I'm Stuck Stuck STUCK. Non-Catholic Seeking A Catholic Perspective

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SeekingPeaceOnEarth

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Hello, I’m not a Christian. I don’t have any religion in particular but I have an unshakeable belief in God + Christ. I was raised in a family of two different faiths and in a school with a third and explored the eastern religions in my later life and they all give me comfort.

I was hoping you’d be able to help me with a dilemma that seems more Catholic than it does anything else.

Six years ago I was in my first (only) relationship with a boy who treated me badly, including by sleeping with others during a period in which I thought we were dating and falling in love. I then couldn’t forgive him and turned into a screaming and crying wreck and he ended up being violent towards me and ultimately ended it. I also told everyone - and continue to do so if its ever relevant - about what he did to me which he sees as vengeful. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.

I understand the separation. Or at least it doesn’t hurt so much now that he isn’t in my life. It does however hurt when he is with someone else and there’s usually a new one every six months or so. It also hurts that I don’t feel able to find someone else and marry because it feels like a disloyalty, even though I assume he wouldn’t care and would be relieved to be rid of me. I didn’t realise how traditional I was and thought I would be with one person forever and believe somewhere on a very bodily level that a sexual relationship IS a marriage. All the religions told me that sex outside of marriage would be a disaster but I didn’t have the imagination to realise how true this was.

Years later I am as stuck as I ever was. I know that in the Catholic church and early Christianity - before this grotesque cult of divorce - separation was granted in cases of abuse and adultery but that did separation did not give right to remarriage. Only death did that.

So how do I get out of this fix I am in which means that:
  1. Every time he is in a relationship with someone else it feels like adultery that is as painful as it was all those years ago.
  2. I don’t feel able to meet and marry someone else because I feel that I am not allowed and that this is my destiny.
  3. I wish him dead at my weakest points, not out of hatred, but because I want to be free.
  4. I wish he would come back, and solve this mess.
I’ve prayed and prayed about it and I don’t know what to do. People in other religions don’t understand. How would a Catholic think through this. Is this just my ego? Or should I just get used to being alone because I messed up and had sex outside of marriage?

It also hurts to watch him live a life which is all about identity politics, and transgender rights, and being upwardly mobile with all the rich kids of the world and just stupid mindless nonsense without God or any spiritual sense. I was liberated from being that person when he hurt me and I just want to hurt him to the point he is liberated from it all too. I know that’s messed up logic, but my body feels its true.

Please help!
 
I think your problem is not a religious one, you need help to get over this painful experience and it seems to me that you projected so much more on him than “just” love.

It sounds that this relationship was based on dependence, not love.
Years ago, I was in a very similar situation as you. I lived with a man, sinfully, and tried to justify it with the hope for later marriage and the idea that “this is like marriage as we share responsibility”.
It was not. I was dependent, as I feared being alone caused by problems in my past. He used this feelings to make me stay, was abusing and jealous and I misunderstood pain and love for so long.
The result was, when I emancipated myself from this toxic relationship, it ended in violence and a desaster.
A sinful lifestyle is painful for everyone, even If people look happy. I realised that we should stay away of this because god wants us protected, too - we should not only not live in sin because of the separation from god, we should also stay away from sin because we make us vulnerable and hurt ourself.
You are not married to this man, and there will hopefully a time when you are glad about this fact. You are not married when you *feel" married.
Please seek help for youself and don´t give up, I´ll pray for you!
 
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Welcome!

Going to ask but you do not have to answer, not prying. Were you physically intimate with this young man? Even if you did not have intercourse, did you “make out” in a way that brought you to sexual arousal or even to climax?

Think back to other friends, have you ever wondered why they stay with boyfriends who are mean, or ugly, or simply bad people yet they are blind to all of his faults?

The reason is science. Do some research into Oxytocin. While everyone experiences levels of this bonding hormone, in women it is very strong in order to help us bond with children (wonder why women are willing to go through pregnancy again after a very difficult pregnancy/delivery? Or how women who were squeamish before can let a toddler puke in her hands then go back to eating her lunch?) Those super high levels are released during uterine contractions - well, guess what contracts when we are sexually aroused and when we climax?

So, we end up chemically bonded to former partners in a way that makes us feel a little bit crazy!

Understand it is science. One way to help break those bonds is to cut off contact. Don’t be Facebook friends, don’t Instagram him, don’t call, don’t text, get rid of photos, break completely. The feeling WILL go away.
 
Let’s be clear that the Catholic Church (nor any Christian denomination I’m aware of) does not teach that you are married to or bound to this person because you had sex with him. You are NOT committing adultery if you date another person, you are not doomed to be alone or never marry, you are NOT married to or bound to him in any way.

You are tied to him by be power of your mind. For this you do need counseling. The emotional bond formed via intimacy with another can be very real and you will need to work through your feelings of hurt and betrayal. Counseling will help you with closure and to stop lashing out towards him.

He’s done, stick a fork in it and move on.

Yes what the Church teaches about sexuality has both religious truth and practical protection for our tender hearts. Take care with yours in the future.
 
Gosh thank you so much! It’s really helpful to know I’ve been misunderstanding Christian teaching all this time and that I am not in some way metaphorically married to him.

Thank you for your kind words and sharing your story. It certainly resonates in a lot of ways with me and it’s such a relief to know there is a way out of it.

And thank you most of all for your prayers!
 
1ke said:
Let’s be clear that the Catholic Church (nor any Christian denomination I’m aware of) does not teach that you are married to or bound to this person because you had sex with him. You are NOT committing adultery if you date another person, you are not doomed to be alone or never marry, you are NOT married to or bound to him in any way.
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This is such a relief to know! I needed to hear this from a Catholic as I wasn’t prepared to believe anyone else! It’s extremely liberating. Thank you for taking the time to help me.
 
upant said:
see a priest and a good doctor.

the priest to sort out your religious issues and the doctor/counselor to diagnose your condition and receive treatment to correct it
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Will a priest see me if I am not a Catholic? Do I just walk into a church?

Oh dear do you think I have a psychiatric condition? That’s scary! What makes you say that?
 
Unfortunately I was. Very regretfully.

And yes I’m a medic, I know there is an element of addiction to the hormones to it, but I just couldn’t work out why it was worse for me with this one individual than it is for all these people I used to know who sleep with zillions of people.

Your advice is really good. His twitter his public and I’ve never seen the need not to look and all this stuff. I believe you! I will take your advice.

Thank you and bless you and everyone else who has taken time out of their day to advise.
 
SeekingPeaceOnEarth said:
Oh dear do you think I have a psychiatric condition? That’s scary! What makes you say that?
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i could not tell from a post. the suggestion was offered because you are having a relationship problem and sometimes non-catholic people have issues with discussing their relationships with a male priest.

i do know that relationship problems have an impact on a person’s life. i occasionally recommend my employees seek assistance. one really good worker had an issue and the counselor sent him to a doctor. he had a sleep disorder. he has it under control and it really improved his life.
 
It’s certainly something. Alice24 mentioned earlier stuff and I’m the child of a maternal abandonment, so it could be transference and I could be longing for my mother or furious at my mother, or whatever it is the psychoanalysts say.

I’d love to see a priest but the protestants in England where I am from are far too liberal for me. I couldn’t take a priest seriously if he believed in gay marriage for instance. I’d just be like, this is ridiculous. He doesn’t understand the basic laws of his own faith. My fear about the Catholic church on the other hand is whether or not they’ll want anything to do with me for the one reason that I have a pretty solid belief in reincarnation. That aside, most of my other beliefs probably line up well enough with the Catholic church.
 
SeekingPeaceOnEarth said:
Will a priest see me if I am not a Catholic? Do I just walk into a church?
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You can call the office to make an appointment. Certainly you can seek counsel whether you are a Catholic or not.
SeekingPeaceOnEarth said:
Oh dear do you think I have a psychiatric condition? That’s scary! What makes you say that?
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No one here is qualified to make diagnoses especially based on such scant information. You can certainly benefit from some counseling.

I think you suffer from being young and experiencing heartbreak, not a psychiatric condition!
 
Thank you 1ke! I’ve emailed the Brompton Oratory which is Catholic and I’ve been on their mailing list for a while now so perhaps its meant to be. Fingers crossed!
 
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