I'm thinkin' that I will quit trying...but thanks for helping me!

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vatoco6

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I just wanted to thank all those who tried to help me return to the Church. Call me a quitter, but even Fr. Vincent from this website never called me back when I was instructed by staff to call him. He said he’d “look into” my situation, but I never heard from him again. He sounded busy, anyway.

Besides, nobody likes a whiner. I just can’t seem to get past the pain the Church’s “minions” have caused me. Mea culpa, Crusader, Anna and the rest whom I found to be a bit harsh…the Church really DOES owe me nothing…not kindness, not security, not community.

I can seek God at home, without all the pain being inflicted on me. Now my ex-pastor is telling my 9 year old daughter’s FRIENDS that he threw me out of his parishes because he “doesn’t like me anymore” and he thought I “needed to stay away from him for awhile”. My daughter still insists on going to CCD at his parish, but if he hurts her, I’ll pull her out.

But thanks for trying to help. Maybe I can just have community here, as a lurker and survivor, not a victim.

Therese
 
Dearest Therese

Whatever the rift is between you and your Priest, I am presuming you don’t have a rift with Christ Jesus, Jesus never refuses anyone Our Father calls to Him. So it isn’t what has happened in the past with your Priest, what counts substantially is your relationship with your Friend Christ Jesus.

I don’t know what happened with your Priest and if you have flouted doctrine. Has the Priest refused you attending Mass and receipt of the Sacraments? If this is the case you need to go and speak with the Bishop. If this is not the case, well now there are plenty of parishes you can attend, or you can swallow your pride and step back into that Church you attended and quietly but confident in Christ’s love for you, resume your receipt of the sacraments. Therese, we can’t like everyone but we MUST love everyone. You don’t have to like your Priest to allow him to be your pastor, you do however have to love him.

I see all the time people pestering the Priests, befriending them etc, when this is not necessary to be a good Catholic, it seems people confuse the issue and think if they are being a good catholic, it follows the Priest will like them and they like the Priest, now this is not the case. Your faith in Christ relies upon you and Christ and no-one else. If we were to look at people in the world and measure or faith on this basis, everyone would be losing faith. So we look to Christ Jesus, God our Father and the Holy Spirit and Heaven, for the guidance of our beloved Pope John Paul II but first Therese, we look to Christ, stay close to Him, desire to stay close to Him and despite all difficulties it will lead you straight back into the Eucharist and Mass.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you xxxx
 
Hello! One thing you can try is to visit other parishes. In Colorado, there are at least 17 churches and chapels that are listed in the directory of Latin masses. Nobody will mistreat you there, I am quite sure. 🙂 They often offer traditional catechesis, too.
 
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Teresa9:
I don’t know what happened with your Priest and if you have flouted doctrine. Has the Priest refused you attending Mass and receipt of the Sacraments? If this is the case you need to go and speak with the Bishop. If this is not the case, well now there are plenty of parishes you can attend, or you can swallow your pride and step back into that Church you attended and quietly but confident in Christ’s love for you, resume your receipt of the sacraments. Therese, we can’t like everyone but we MUST love everyone. You don’t have to like your Priest to allow him to be your pastor, you do however have to love him.
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Dear Teresa9,

Several of us have been talking to her, trying to help her but we have not been able to find a good solution. Her story is revealed in great detail in the thread "I can’t receive sacraments because of my husband, at:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=13709

You seem to be very kind; maybe you can help her.

Her tale is one of those which inspired me to start thread "Love trumps faith and moral in the Apologetics forum.

Alan
 
If you can go to a smaller parish (I do not know how big your current parish is).
I had a chance to not just change parishes but return to my ByzCath roots. I have been blessed beyond belief with a wonderful Pastor and a 65 family parish.
It’s just a thought…

go with God!
Edwin
 
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vatoco6:
I just wanted to thank all those who tried to help me return to the Church. Call me a quitter, but even Fr. Vincent from this website never called me back when I was instructed by staff to call him. He said he’d “look into” my situation, but I never heard from him again. He sounded busy, anyway.

Besides, nobody likes a whiner. I just can’t seem to get past the pain the Church’s “minions” have caused me. Mea culpa, Crusader, Anna and the rest whom I found to be a bit harsh…the Church really DOES owe me nothing…not kindness, not security, not community.

I can seek God at home, without all the pain being inflicted on me. Now my ex-pastor is telling my 9 year old daughter’s FRIENDS that he threw me out of his parishes because he “doesn’t like me anymore” and he thought I “needed to stay away from him for awhile”. My daughter still insists on going to CCD at his parish, but if he hurts her, I’ll pull her out.

But thanks for trying to help. Maybe I can just have community here, as a lurker and survivor, not a victim.

Therese
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Hi Therese!

To use an old saying, you’re throwing out the baby with the bathwater. The holiness of Christ’s church is not measured by the behavior of her members. If you are not happy at one parish find another, but don’t leave Christ. He didn’t create us be alone but rather to be in a community of believers. I hope you’ll reconsider!

In Christ,
Nancy 🙂
 
Therese –

I sent you a couple personal messages a few days back, and I just want you to know that I am still praying for you. As hard as it is when you are in such a frustrating situation, my question for you is – are YOU praying for you?

Sometimes we are so bent on DOING that we forget to leave it in God’s hands. Believe me, I know, because I struggle with this all the time.

Several years ago, I prayed what I call the Dangerous Prayer. I was feeling very dry, had been frustrated by priests and religious ed directors, and the way some people treated each other and me. I was ready to leave the Catholic Church even though I knew it would be hard on my husband, our families, friends, etc. So as a last ditch effort I prayed:

“Lord Jesus, you know my heart. You know I am frustrated and dry. I long to be close to you again and to feel your Spirit alive in me. Please lead me where you want me to be. Please send friends into my life who will bring me closer to You.”

Well, to make a very long story short, over the next few years – my husband was unemployed for awhile, lots of financial difficulties, bad car accident, I became seriously ill and continue with chronic problems, BUT…

We got a new priest at our parish (who is wonderful!), many of the dissenters left, got a new religious ed director and new RCIA leaders (who are all great), I had time on my hands to really study and learn the faith, Our Lord sent me incredible new friends to help me grow and learn, I was strongly encouraged to begin a weekly hour of Eucharistic Adoration at a neighboring parish (truly a life-changing process for me) AND

I am so incredibly peaceful being in the One, True, Holy, Catholic, Apostolic Church with Jesus Truly Present in the Holy Eucharist that I know I will never leave. I would die first.

Does that mean everything is perfect? Hardly! We still have problems at our Church (like every family). I still struggle with my illness, though I would never ask for it to be taken away because it brought me closer to Jesus. We just recently went through another job change for my husband, and financial difficulties persist, but I’m at peace.

So, I suggest praying the “Dangerous Prayer” for your own circumstance, finding a parish that has Eucharistic Adoration and going at a regular time each week, and leaving your situation in God’s hands. He will take care of you.

It might not be the way you think it should be taken care of; it might not be as soon as you would like it to be; it might through people and circumstances that will be difficult – but He will lead you and be with you every step of the way.

Through this all, may you come know how much Our Lord loves you and desires for you to be with Him at the table of His Last Supper, to receive Him in Holy Communion. He wants it more than you do, so He will make a way!
 
vatoco6,

**You have a 9 year old in CCD, it is your Christian duty to allow her to learn the faith…if not in CCD, how will she learn- I assume she attends a public school. Jus because you are angry with a certain priest is no reason at all to raise your daughter outside the Church. Think. How will she act when she is 15 if she has no spiritual roots? I know. She’ll act like the Pagans we all see too often.:tsktsk: **

**If you were my daughter I would ask you to pray 3 times a day. Tell God you are mad at a certain priest, tell Him the whole story. You and I know God is our Father in heaven. Fathers like to talk to their children. Yes. And then LISTEN to Him. I believe that He will open another door for you or He will show you the real problem. But you have to listen, preferably in a quiet place. But your daughter is the most important thing right now…please don’t plant seeds of doubt in her mind. May God bless you and your family !🙂 **
 
It’s not just a “certain priest”…I’m exhausted.
(Bear with me, Alan, Tricia, and those who know my story).

The next two closest parishes to me are headed by one pastor who “doesn’t do Hispanics”, and another who doesn’t do telephone contact, even for Last Rites. (And no, he doesn’t have email.) The next closest parish is an hour away.

Have I served the Church? I’ve just served 6 years on the Board of Directors of Catholic Charities here locally. I am on the local and regional FEMA boards as well. I helped to start a local parish-based assistance program for stranded travelers, which now also helps rural folks with winter electric and propane needs. But my pastor threw me out of his parishes 6 months ago. Do I plan to quit trying to help? No. Volunteering is a part of who I am.

I had NO idea my husband’s first marriage was a problem, because he’s never been Catholic. Nor was his first wife. She didn’t want children. They were married 3 1/2 years, we’ll be married 21 years in November. The gay priest refused to marry us because my husband wanted to read papers he’d have to sign as part of the process of marrying me.

We never got to discuss ANYTHING with the gay priest. He just wrote us off. I’ve never been married, except to him. We have 4 kids, and were married legally by a minister because the Church turned us away. But I’m a slut in the eyes of the faith.

Will he get an annullment of his first marriage now? No. He thinks I’m nuts to want anything to do with the Church after the way I’ve been treated. He was willing to consider it until my last pastor threw me out and even the deacon teaching my RCIA class didn’t bother to call to see what happened.

Through the religious studies I did with my ex-pastor, he never mentioned a problem with my husband’s first marriage until after he started talking to me through his teeth. That was over the course of a day. He was my friend before he was my pastor. He made me want to come back to the Church, and he promised me he’d help me “come home”. But I guess the only ones in our Church who have to keep promises are the faithful. I am told that my ex-pastor “fell in love with me” and so had to shun me like the harlot that which I must be. I’ve been told how dangerous women are to priests.

My daughter, age 9, insists on going to CCD at his parish, because that’s where her friends go, and she wants to learn about God and her Guardian Angel. (She was never baptized, and our kids haven’t been raised Catholic. She began becoming interested in our faith through my going to Mass, speaking at Catholic Charities Sundays, and because of her friends.)

I won’t even be able to go to her Christmas program because this priest, who supposedly is in love with me, sent me a “no-contact” letter on church letterhead. I only heard that from a friend, because he hasn’t ever deigned to discuss anything with me. He doesn’t HAVE to! He’s a priest, and I’m just a woman. THAT’S LOVE?!?

Does it matter that my husband now has 2 chronic illnesses, and so we live as “brother and sister” for weeks? Does it matter that when we *are *intimate, the endorphins relieve his chronic pain for awhile?

I have found an old associate pastor of mine that seems to care. Unfortunately, he’s in Illinois. I’m not. Can he do anything? Maybe…though I haven’t discussed things with him in nearly the depth I have here. He is a Bishop now…but not MY Bishop.

I believe in the Church. I have followed the rules. And I think Vatican II was a good thing. Does my husband make most of the major decisions in our home? Yes, but not without (name removed by moderator)ut from me. Neither did the husband in Proverbs 31.

I’m not asking for exceptions. I’m not asking to have the rules bent. If I can’t go to Communion or Confession, so be it. But my experience of trying to come back to the faith has been just awful.

Where is my Jesus in all this?
 
vatoco6 said:
Where is my Jesus in all this?
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Look at the crucifix and you’ll see that He is right there with you. He has suffered injustice, abandonment, lack of understanding from his best friends, betrayal, rejection.

There is nothing you are going through that He hasn’t been through. He is right there with you. We might not always understand why things happen the way they do, but we can still trust in the One who loves us enough to suffer and die for us.

Offer your frustrations and hurts to Him and He will turn them into graces for you.
 
unite your suffering with His, have you considered that your perserverance may be the means of bringing someone else home? If a Catholic pastor and parish have constructed a place that is not “home” the sin is theirs, not yours. Know that the prayers of all of us our with you, and we all have our stories. You can instruct your child at home online catechismclass.org (or com, try both), but the chief instruction and value will be showing her how we deal with adversity, uncharitableness, and how we find Christ in all of this.
 
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vatoco6:
I’m not asking for exceptions. I’m not asking to have the rules bent. If I can’t go to Communion or Confession, so be it. But my experience of trying to come back to the faith has been just awful.

Where is my Jesus in all this?
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Dear Therese,

Of course, some posters will be saying to themselves, “well, that’s her side of the story.” Personally I am extremely curious to know what the priests’ side is. Given what you’ve said, you have tried harder than most people I know who have had problems with the Church. In our city another parish is usually only about 10 minutes away, and I personally know of people who have left and people who have joined our parish because of the way they were treated at another. I also know some who have given up, quit going to Church entirely, put their kids in public school, and have nothing good to say because of the way they were treated. They still show vestiges of love for the Church through the hurt, but they have enough problems that they need the Church to be a blessing, not a curse. In the cases I’m talking about, it had nothing to do with marriages, tribunals, etc. It’s easy to blame lost sheep on the sheep, but when the shepherd’s voice and actions are sufficiently harsh they may learn to run from his voice. All the while we are supposed to encourage fallen away Catholics to come back. To what? More abuse?

I’m impressed at how far you’ve taken this, and I’d hate to see you throw the baby out with the bathwater, but one has to wonder when the bathwater is sufficiently toxic, perhaps the baby needs to be buried?

As I said, we have only heard your side of the story, but unless you’re reaally stretching it or leaving out some large material issue – especially about the “no contact” letter – then I’m sorry but I simply can’t accept a priest who does this kind of thing or an archbishop who backs it up as being viable. Have you done something to deserve “special” treatment? If not, how many others might they have treated this way to suit their own agendas. When you caught the gay priest being gay, did you bring it to Church authorities, or tell someone who may have directly or indirectly informed them? If so, maybe the priest who was your friend was ordered to have no contact with you, a proven troublemaker? Maybe he feels even worse than you do about the no contact situation, but is under orders? Pure speculation, but I’ve heard of stranger things happening.

Alan
 
Hey, Alan,

To address what you said (I don’t know how to use the “quote” function):

“unless you’re reaally stretching it or leaving out some large material issue – especially about the “no contact” letter – then I’m sorry but I simply can’t accept a priest who does this kind of thing or an archbishop who backs it up as being viable. Have you done something to deserve “special” treatment? If not, how many others might they have treated this way to suit their own agendas.”
I am told by a therapist and by several parishoners that I did nothing wrong, except to treat him as a human being. He has a public history of alcoholism (though he’s supposed to be recovering), and he admitted to me that he also has a history of emotional abuse. He even told me that if I got too close to him, in his words, “I will hurt you”.
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I have not whistleblown…not on the gay priest, because we left that state (and I left the Church) shortly after that. And I haven’t “told” on my last pastor, mainly because I grew to love him like a little brother. I don’t want to hurt him. I want to get him help. And the other priests, who told me how dangerous women are to priests, and how “a priest must do what he feels right, and you must never question that”? And the deacon, who ignored my absence from his class? What good would it do to tell? And who to tell?

I know from others’ past experience that the Archbishop would spirit my ex-pastor away in the middle of the night to parts unknown, leaving his 3 parishes without a pastor. As one parishoner put it, “(Where we live) is where the Archbishop sends old, bad priests to die. Who are we gonna get next, someone even worse?”

And if he feels so bad about the situation, why would he diss me to 9 year olds? Alan, he knew I was married. He’s met a couple of my kids and my husband.

And I have also fallen in love…with the Church, really for the first time. I suspect it’s unrequited, though. I want the Church…but the Church doesn’t want me.
 
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Didi:
Look at the crucifix and you’ll see that He is right there with you. He has suffered injustice, abandonment, lack of understanding from his best friends, betrayal, rejection.

There is nothing you are going through that He hasn’t been through. He is right there with you. We might not always understand why things happen the way they do, but we can still trust in the One who loves us enough to suffer and die for us.

Offer your frustrations and hurts to Him and He will turn them into graces for you.
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I love this advice. I do belive offering all your pain and frustation to Jesus will help. I have had amazing relief from offering up my pain in this fashion.

You are feeling rejected by the church, the very same people who should be loving you. Jesus felt the same way when he was betrayed. But he had a higher purpose and did not give up. You also have a higher purpose and God is using this trial for a greater purpose in your life.
 
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vatoco6:
And I have also fallen in love…with the Church, really for the first time. I suspect it’s unrequited, though. I want the Church…but the Church doesn’t want me.
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Therese –

I’m sure it’s very easy to feel that the Church doesn’t want you. But don’t relate the Church – the whole Body of Christ that is full of sinners and saints – with the unconditional love of Jesus. He is the one speaking to your heart; He is the one calling you home; He is the one with whom you have fallen in love. He, indeed, does want you, and does want to be close to you through the Sacraments. He will make a way where there is no way. Let go and let God take care of your troubles.

I have struggled and continue to struggle with letting go, giving up my way of doing something, giving up my timing, stepping aside and opening up my clenched fists into open hands, letting go and laying my burdens at the feet of my Savior. Take your burdens to Him; He will care for you.
 
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AlanFromWichita:
Of course, some posters will be saying to themselves, “well, that’s her side of the story.” Personally I am extremely curious to know what the priests’ side is.
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Me too. The whole thing sounds nuts. But truth is stranger than fiction, to repeat a cliche, so I’ll go with it. I’ve been lucky enough to have good priest after good priest, so someone has to get the statistical opposite, unfortunately.

Therese, it sounds to me like the first thing you need to do is find a decent parish. It’s a shame that’s so tough–if you were here it would be a matter of walking a couple of blocks in the other direction.

Is it really that impossible? I get the sense (Chaput reference) that you are in the Denver area, which seems like it should have options, but I have no personal knowledge (and could be a huge diocese, geographically, for all I know). Maybe it would be worth trying to make contact with some people from your area here, to talk about parish possibilities before getting disappointed again.

Also, what do you mean one of the priests doesn’t do Hispanics? That’s not acceptable and is the sort of thing that ought to be reported, I’d think. (Though not your first need right now to get in the middle of that. You need to find a good community.)

I understand the annulment thing, though it’s a pain. A long term relationship of mine broke up, because he just couldn’t deal with the hassle that would have resulted from addressing the situation with his ex. (They have joint custody of a young child.) Different situation, obviously, and because we weren’t married and didn’t have children I can say it wasn’t meant to be, but it was frustrating.

I don’t quite understand why you have to do RCIA/convert or why you can’t confess (assuming you find a confessor). Can’t you rejoin by confession, basically, if you were raised Catholic? RCIA might be a good idea because you’ve been away for a while, and lots of people aren’t well catechized (not that RCIA necessarily resolves that), but it’s not like you’d be baptized or confirmed again. Did anyone explain that?

I also echo those who say that receiving the Eucharist is not the only reason to go to mass. But you still need to find a parish that will be workable for you. While you are so unhappy with the Church is hardly the time to convince your husband to participate with an annulment. My feeling is that that should come later. Finding a parish and going back to mass should come first.

I’ll pray for you, and I hope you keep us posted.
 
Therese,

I hurt over your situation and am praying for you. Be persistant. Document everything as it happens (so that eventually the messes can be cleaned up.)

You may find getting some help from local religious may help. At least getting them to pray for you will.

I would guess that once you get into the annulment process, it will be fairly straightforward, consider the immaturity of the parties involved and his ex-wife’s attitudes.

I wish I had a good solution for you, but all I think of is to continue to pray, go to mass and participate but not recieving the Eucharist. Find an adoration chapel and do regular Holy Hours. Invite your husband to join you.

You remain in my prayers.
 
The Church is not one priest, 3 priests, a couple of bishops and a few nuns. The Church is universal, the mystical body of Christ, the Church triumphant in heaven in union with Christ and the Father, the Church suffering in purgatory, who benefit directly when we unite our earthly suffering with theirs, and the Church militant, still fighting here on earth against the forces of evil, including and especially the evil we harbor in our own parishes, dioceses, families. Please do not reject me, I am part of the Church, I welcome you, why doesn’t my welcome, and that of all here, just to name a few, count for anything?
 
Annie said,
Please do not reject me, I am part of the Church, I welcome you, why doesn’t my welcome, and that of all here, just to name a few, count for anything?

That’s why I’ve stayed here, Annie…because this is really the only active Church community I have right now. :blessyou: all for being there for me! When I posted my story and used my former pastor’s first name without calling him “Father”, no one listened to my story. But I got hate mail about not calling him “Father”. Niiiiice.

And Tom said,
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You may find getting some help from local religious may help.
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My mom (God rest her soul) was a member of the Third Order of St. Francis. Was she part of your order, Tom?

The Archdiocese of Denver is HUGE. It stretches from Denver and the foothills of the Rockies (Boulder, Rocky Mountain National Park) all the way south almost to Colorado Springs and then east from Denver to the Kansas and Nebraska borders.

I live in Northeastern Colorado, where there can be 30 miles between tiny (pop. 500) towns and 60 miles between bigger towns. The only thing between towns is grassland and cattle. We live here because we can’t afford to live closer to the Denver metro area (the closest edge of which is over an hour away). So my options really are limited.

I grew up in Chicago, where there was only 6 blocks or so between parishes. I was baptized in the same parish as was my mother. Whole 'nother world. When we would tell of the nuns at our school beating us, or come home with bruises, our mom would just tell us to “offer it up for the Poor Souls”. I became convinced that if I came home from school squirting arterial blood because one of the “blessed” nuns ripped off my leg and beat me over the head with it, Mom’s response would have been the same.

I belonged to a terrific parish as a teenager, but by then, the damage had been done. The gay priest just finished it off before my marriage.

I did grow up and leave. But the work I did with my ex-pastor convinced me that the Church is where I belong. With the grace of God, I was able to find a new spiritual director who really cares about me (and, incidentally, is the coolest nun in the universe!) But it costs me $25/hr for her friendship…not always easy to find with a disabled husband in college and 2 kids still at home, a son in college and another son trying to “find himself”.

So, Annie, Tom, Alan and the rest…in a spiritual sense, you guys are pretty much all I have now. When I was a kid, we had a show on Chicago television called “Mass For Shut-Ins”. I feel like there also oughta be a show called, “Mass For Shut-Outs”. 😦

Therese
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As a shut-in, I attend mass almost everyday via EWTN radio over the internet. It helps me a lot. I prefer going in person to a mass, but that is very difficult. The other programing is good as well. I listen to EWTN shortwave over the internet about 10 hours each day. ( www.EWTN.com and select radio.)

The Third Order of St. Francis is now known as the Secular Franciscan Order, which is my order.

Your location has you at a disadvantage as troublesome priests are more likely to be sent out to the country parishes where there are less people than to the metro parishes.
 
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