I'm too difficult to love

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AlmaPerdida

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Hi everyone. I am new to the forums although I’ve been reading for months (if not over a year).

My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. We have 2 children (one honeymoon surprise and another who is almost two). We have had our share of ups and downs… a lot more downs than ups, it seems. We’re always engaged in some sort of struggle. Not always with each other but just with life in general, if that makes sense.

Today my husband told me that he doesn’t really feel like he was called to the family life. Yes, almost 9 years and 2 kids into it… This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this, though. He says he’s not sure he loves me, that it’s not marital love he feels for me, and that I’m difficult to love.

I don’t know… I’m not perfect… but he’s not easy to love, either. I’m difficult to love because I can be strong-willed. He’s difficult to love because he always has secrets and I’ve never felt like he’s given himself 100%.

We were in counseling before, and we’re calling around to try and go again… but I’m just feeling so doomed and stuck in a terrible pattern.

If he left, it would just be adding another person to the list of people who said they loved me than couldn’t. That hurts my heart to type but it’s so true.

It’s not like I don’t try to be better. I feel like I have invested myself 1000% in our marriage and our family. I work full-time (although I don’t NEED to, he insists that I do), he works 2 jobs so at night it is me who cares for the children (fed, baths, play with them, etc.) and once they’re in bed I am doing laundry, or picking up the living room, or loading the dishwasher, etc. so that I don’t have to hear him tell me again that I don’t do enough around the house. And when I’ve actually got a free moment, I pray. I pray and ask God to help me be the best wife and mom that I can be. And I read books constantly on parenting and marriage and family, and I try to learn and apply what I learn. But it all seems futile. How can I be trying so hard and yet it’s all going so wrong?

I feel angry, hurt, and confused. We’re seeking out a counselor. Trying to find a Catholic one since many of our decisions are influenced by faith and I don’t think a non-Catholic counselor would understand. But we’ll take what we can get to get the ball rolling.

In the meantime, what do I do? Like I said, I’m TRYING to be different. I’m PRAYING to be different. 😦
 
This hurts my heart! I’m so sorry. Praying for you. :hug1:
 
Please, in addition to getting marital counseling, seek counseling for yourself. It appears to me from your post that you are being emotionally and mentally abused. It made my heart hurt to read about what your husband has said and how he treats you. I am saying a prayer for you right now that some counseling, both personal and marital, can help change your marriage for the better, and bring to you an awareness of how precious you are and how much God loves you. :gopray:
 
mommamaree said:
Please, in addition to getting marital counseling, seek counseling for yourself. It appears to me from your post that you are being emotionally and mentally abused. It made my heart hurt to read about what your husband has said and how he treats you. I am saying a prayer for you right now that some counseling, both personal and marital, can help change your marriage for the better, and bring to you an awareness of how precious you are and how much God loves you. :gopray:
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This right here.
 
I will pray for your intentions, my family member in Christ, just remember to pray that God cleans my heart and mind so I can always hold faith and hope in Christ instead of holding panic and confusion.
 
A little bit late to “not be called to family life.” Sounds more like an excuse for something else going on, at least something going on in his head.

If he’s working all the time maybe he’s just crazy stressed and burned out and it falls to you to shoulder the burden of when he tries to release it. That’s not right or fair, but maybe that’s what’s going on. There could also be something more nefarious as well but that’s only something you two (or just him) would know.

Love is a choice. Love is a choice to sacrifice yourself for the other. You seem to at least be trying to grapple with that and that’s far and away better than what most people do. He needs to understand that love is not about him. It’s about you. And vice versa. Love is not about you, it’s about him. And ultimately love is not about either of you directly, but about God. You’re just serving God by serving your husband and again, vice versa.

I’d say go to Retrouvaille. It’s not terribly expensive and I think it has a better grasp on things than most counselors do. Counselors tend to provide practical advice which is great and all, but what your husband needs is a teaching session about what love is. He needs to come to an understanding about the very nature of love.

No one is too difficult to love because God loves all of us. Our inability to love someone is not the other’s fault, it is the fault of the one who “cannot” love the other. Christ called on us to good to those who hate us. In other words, we are called to love everyone the way God loves everyone. An impossible task? For us mere mortals, sure. But if we surrender our entire beings to the Lord, nothing is impossible.
 
AlmaPerdida said:
My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. We have 2 children (one honeymoon surprise and another who is almost two). We have had our share of ups and downs… a lot more downs than ups, it seems. We’re always engaged in some sort of struggle. Not always with each other but just with life in general, if that makes sense.

Today my husband told me that he doesn’t really feel like he was called to the family life. Yes, almost 9 years and 2 kids into it… This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this, though. He says he’s not sure he loves me, that it’s not marital love he feels for me, and that I’m difficult to love.
(
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Clean out the family bank accounts and put the money in your name. Then tell him to grow a pair and realize that is to late to change his mind about children if he leaves he’s going to have to enjoy his new found freedom on 1/2 a paycheck, no home and no money. Then you need to tell him to get rid of his girlfriend.
 
SamH said:
Clean out the family bank accounts and put the money in your name. Then tell him to grow a pair and realize that is to late to change his mind about children if he leaves he’s going to have to enjoy his new found freedom on 1/2 a paycheck, no home and no money. Then you need to tell him to get rid of his girlfriend.
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Presumption anyone? As much as I appreciate people cutting to the chase, I think assuming that there’s adultery going on is a bit of a step without more information.
 
i can’t give no advice, only my prayers can i give to you, idk you, but when i read this, i had tears in my eyes 😦 God bless you
 
The_Bucket said:
Presumption anyone? As much as I appreciate people cutting to the chase, I think assuming that there’s adultery going on is a bit of a step without more information.
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Care to make a wager on that? There’s always a first time but I’m not holding my breath.
 
SamH said:
Clean out the family bank accounts and put the money in your name. Then tell him to grow a pair and realize that is to late to change his mind about children if he leaves he’s going to have to enjoy his new found freedom on 1/2 a paycheck, no home and no money. Then you need to tell him to get rid of his girlfriend.
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This post is defamatory, inflamatory and irresponsable. It should be deleted.
 
SamH said:
Care to make a wager on that? There’s always a first time but I’m not holding my breath.
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SamH, I’m wondering if you’re so quick to assume infidelity because you yourself have been unfaithful and his behavior mirrors that?

It’s an innate thing to be in “fight or flight” mode when faced with difficulties. In all honesty, I think my husband is getting tired of fighting and flight seems more appealing. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the same way, but I’m not ready to stop fighting for our marriage just yet.
 
SamH said:
How so? Married 9 years with two children and decides “family” isn’t for him - how exactly does that play out in most (all?) similar situations? 🤷
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I’ll PM you to explain some potential consequences of your post.

Actually, as other posters described, he can just be completely burned out. And I would add: perhaps he wished he had become a monk instead. I know because I’ve been there.
 
SamH said:
Care to make a wager on that? There’s always a first time but I’m not holding my breath.
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I imagine that my wife was feeling the exact same way for the last couple of years. I never said anything like “I’m not cut out for family life” but I do know that she felt unloved. My problem was addiction to pornography. In the same ballpark? Yeah I concede that it is, but there was never an actual person or even a cyber-person in terms of chatting or anything like that. Purely one-way. Doesn’t make it better because mortal sin is mortal sin but it’s not the same as having a girlfriend on the side.

My point about something nefarious means maybe OP’s husband is dealing with the same thing. Or drugs. Or alcohol. Or an anxiety disorder. Or all of the above. I don’t know and you don’t either. So don’t make that leap because it is indeed quite insulting.
 
AlmaPerdida said:
SamH, I’m wondering if you’re so quick to assume infidelity because you yourself have been unfaithful and his behavior mirrors that?

It’s an innate thing to be in “fight or flight” mode when faced with difficulties. In all honesty, I think my husband is getting tired of fighting and flight seems more appealing. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the same way, but I’m not ready to stop fighting for our marriage just yet.
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Nope. Just a witness to world as it is. Now if I were telling my wife of 17 years I was having second thoughts about my “calling” to be a father to our 4 children she would have undeniably good cause to have the same suspicion that I have of your situation.

That is until I read your second post.
 
Why discuss cheating when the Op didn’t even bring it up :confused: if she wants to discuss she’ll let y’all know, until then i think we should drop it (: God bless y’all
 
AlmaPerdida said:
Hi everyone. I am new to the forums although I’ve been reading for months (if not over a year).

My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. We have 2 children (one honeymoon surprise and another who is almost two). We have had our share of ups and downs… a lot more downs than ups, it seems. We’re always engaged in some sort of struggle. Not always with each other but just with life in general, if that makes sense.

Today my husband told me that he doesn’t really feel like he was called to the family life. Yes, almost 9 years and 2 kids into it… This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this, though. He says he’s not sure he loves me, that it’s not marital love he feels for me, and that I’m difficult to love.

I don’t know… I’m not perfect… but he’s not easy to love, either. I’m difficult to love because I can be strong-willed. He’s difficult to love because he always has secrets and I’ve never felt like he’s given himself 100%.

We were in counseling before, and we’re calling around to try and go again… but I’m just feeling so doomed and stuck in a terrible pattern.

If he left, it would just be adding another person to the list of people who said they loved me than couldn’t. That hurts my heart to type but it’s so true.

It’s not like I don’t try to be better. I feel like I have invested myself 1000% in our marriage and our family. I work full-time (although I don’t NEED to, he insists that I do), he works 2 jobs so at night it is me who cares for the children (fed, baths, play with them, etc.) and once they’re in bed I am doing laundry, or picking up the living room, or loading the dishwasher, etc. so that I don’t have to hear him tell me again that I don’t do enough around the house. And when I’ve actually got a free moment, I pray. I pray and ask God to help me be the best wife and mom that I can be. And I read books constantly on parenting and marriage and family, and I try to learn and apply what I learn. But it all seems futile. How can I be trying so hard and yet it’s all going so wrong?

I feel angry, hurt, and confused. We’re seeking out a counselor. Trying to find a Catholic one since many of our decisions are influenced by faith and I don’t think a non-Catholic counselor would understand. But we’ll take what we can get to get the ball rolling.

In the meantime, what do I do? Like I said, I’m TRYING to be different. I’m PRAYING to be different. 😦
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I am so sorry but for him to decide now that he wasn’t called to married life, it is too late and he shouldn’t use that as an excuse now to get out of it. You need to get counseling together as a couple and if he won’t go, at least you get some help. You shouldn’t blame yourself that you are unlovable or have anyone make you feel this way. He has responsibility to you and the 2 kids now. You can look at what you can do to improve your marriage but please don’t take the entire responsibility for your problems. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
 
AlmaPerdida, it was my thought also. If he persistently works two jobs and holds (himself and) you to such ‘high’ standards, he could in fact be somewhat burned out.

Alma it was like that for me, except that my husband worked one job which was the work of two men, and after his stress breakdown, two men were hired in his place. My husband slid into depression though he did begin to seek help after some time.

The excessively high expectations of me, and of our children, the absence of emotion except those of anger and frustration. He used to say he didn’t love me, in fact often showed contempt for me, and he left the family several times over the years because of the stresses of requiring so much of me and of our children…I recall him saying what your husband is saying, and wanting out of marriage and children. It wasn’t because he wasn’t a good man. He is a good man.
He’s quite fond of me now, but there were some rather awful years. 🙂

You are not too difficult to love. And you try so very hard. I think you’re a marvelous person. I hope you have some little time for yourself in your “two” jobs, because he’s not the only one working two jobs. Two children husband, home, and all the housework you do alone, in addition to your other full-time job! Your husband perhaps cannot appreciate you or his children because he is too driven and perfectionist and is drained himself of emotional energy, as occurs in depression, where the only prevalent emotions are negative ones, or no emotion.
We did get through all that and I’ll be praying that you and your husband will find your way through all this a lot quicker than we did.

Sending you a hug,
Trishie
 
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