I’ve been struggling with a little confusion about my sexual orientation. Ever since I can remember, I’ve always felt attracted to men (I’m female). Unfortunately I did/do suffer from some sexual addictions (including masturbation, which I’ve been trying to overcome). I’ve always fantasized about men. Over the past couple of years though, I’ve felt somewhat drawn to a few women. I can’t tell if it’s sexually or not. I think it all started when I felt a woman was checking me out, and I couldn’t determine whether or not I liked it. I do suffer from a lot of anxiety and scrupulosity. Also, in the past, I used to look at both sexes impurely and still do sometimes. Whenever I see a woman dressed immodestly I will look at her. I will admit that the female body does arouse me, but I don’t feel like I’m actually attracted to the woman I’m looking at. I think it provokes thoughts of masturbation. Anyway, I can’t seem to reconcile any of this in my mind because there is a wonderful man that I know who I am VERY attracted to and wish to marry. There was a man I was attracted to before my current interest, but he was very effeminate and this was a bit of a turn-off. My current interest is very masculine and I feel quite attracted to that. I should mention that I’m only 22, so my hormones probably do play some tricks on me. Also, I am quite sensitive in the sexual area thanks to all of my past addictions. Does this sound like I have bisexual tendencies? Or am I just letting my anxiety/scrupulosity worry me over nothing? Sorry for the lengthy post, but I’m really worried about this because I so badly want to get married. I really desire to be a good catholic wife and mother.
I’m more than twice your age, so I hope you will consider this advice as coming from an older sister in Christ.
First of all, just because you can drive, vote and drink, doesn’t mean that you are fully mature - trust me, I’ve been 22.
As you wisely noted, at your age, hormones are still kind of wacky. Also, it is not uncommon for young men and women to need to “grow into themselves.” Toss in some anxiety and scrupulosity together with your personal experiences, and this can lead to your confusion. It also doesn’t help that in today’s day and age, we are all constantly bombarded with intentionally sensual and sexual images and innuendo from the media.
Now, let’s look at the facts: You say “[e]ver since I can remember, I’ve always felt attracted to men,” you have “always fantasized about men,” “there is a wonderful man that I know who I am VERY attracted to and wish to marry,” “[t]here was a man I was attracted to before my current interest,” “[m]y current interest is very masculine and I feel quite attracted to that,” and you “so badly want to get married. I really desire to be a good catholic wife and mother.”
All this sounds like the thoughts and desires of a healthy, heterosexual woman.
I would suggest (from my own personal experience) that the attraction you might feel for the feminine stems from the fact that because you have had sexual experiences (including masturbation), you may be aroused by the feminine because as a woman you know what it feels like to have an aroused feminine body. I hope I’m being understandable here… you’re attracted to men because you’re heterosexual, but you can feel arousal by the sight of a woman because you know how a woman’s body feels when aroused.
I went through this confusion when I was younger, and once I figured it out, it relieved my fears that I was bi-sexual.
I would suggest that you frequent the Sacrament of Reconciliation. The graces received from the Sacrament can really help in getting your sexual life in order. Also, praying to the Blessed Mother for help and strength in this area is another big help, especially in overcoming masturbation.
It might also help to check out Pope John Paul II’s teaching on the meaning of the human body and sexuality,
Theology of the Body. You can Google this.
You’ll be in my prayers. I have no doubt that with the graces received through prayer and the Sacraments, that one day your desire will be fulfilled, and you will be a good Catholic wife and mother. God bless.
