I'm very worried about my boyfriend's purity

[PrayingDuck]

I apologize if this is not the right place to be posting this, and please let me know–I’ve never posted before, so I very well might be getting this all wrong!

Anyway, I recently began seeing a wonderful Catholic young man with whom I have been friends for several years. We have agreed that we should take this relationship very slowly, and as such, no physical affection past holding hands and a kiss on the cheek for now. This is very new for me, because I’ve never before dated someone who genuinely cared about my purity (as well as his own). He’s a faithful Catholic, and we attend Mass and Adoration together when our schedules permit.

Of course, being the type of person that I am, I can’t just be happy. I’m not sure if I’m a little jaded from past relationships or what, but I am completely TERRIFIED that this young man will turn out to be someone who views pornography or masturbates. I hold myself to a very high standard when it comes to chastity, and I hope for the people I date to do the same (in general, it has not worked out that way). I honestly don’t know if I would be able to stay with someone if I found out they participated in those activities, but at the same time, I don’t want him to feel like he needs to hide things from me, either. I just want him to be the best man for Christ that he can be.

I’m not sure if I actually have reason for concern, or if I’m worrying about nothing (or being too harsh?). A few things here and there have kind of struck me I suppose. For example, he knows who the various Victoria’s Secret “angels” are, which means he must have more than a passing familiarity with them, right? I mean, I could identify them, too, so maybe I am overthinking, as I have a tendency to do.

I obviously can’t just ask him flat out if he masturbates or anything, so I find myself working “preachy” comments into conversations, like ranting about how so much advertising that we see in today’s world is basically thinly veiled pornography and how it disgusts me–things like that. Which tends to make me seem rather annoying.

Anyway, if anyone has any advice or thoughts on my incoherent ramblings, I would appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut. Thanks in advance!

 

[Aeden]

It is certainly not an overly high standard to require that somebody you are dating be chaste! Dating is meant to be a bit of a preview into marriage, and if they aren’t chaste now, they probably won’t be later. That being said, slipping messages about it too often can come across as preachy, which is potentially annoying. As for his knowledge of the VS “angels,” that could be a bad sign, but it could also just mean that those kinds of things were in his past, as is sadly common for youths these days, and are no longer part of his life. On the whole, it is not necessarily an indicator. If, as you say, he genuinely cares about your purity, odds are he cares about his own as well, so it is probably not something you need to be overly concerned about.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

At first, you say that you have never had a boy who cares so much about your purity, then you finish with worrying over porn and the like.
I honestly think you are worrying too much. You can’t compare this guy to past relationships, that is unfair.
If he hasn’t given you any reason to think he is doing immoral things, then you should stop worrying. You can’t live life worrying about everything.

 

[john330]

Every man will struggle for his entire life with masturbation. It is a fact. This does not mean that it cannot be overcome, but it is something that will always be a threat to men of normal sexual health. It is a temptation at forty and a temptation at fourteen. I’m just giving you a man’s perspective. Masturbation is, from what I understand, very different for men and women. I don’t want to get into the mechanics of it, but its different. If you meet a man who only struggles with masturbation every once in a while and he doesn’t have actual sex outside of marriage, then you have found, truly, the top one percent of the top one percent of the top one percent of all men. You should be grateful if this is the scenario. That being said, masturbation is still a sin.

 

[GreyRabbit]

Honestly? If you’re discerning marriage with this young man, which, it sounds like you are, lol, I would straight up ask him. Of course, you don’t have to be too blunt about it, you can be quite tactful.

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half now, but we’ve known each other for 6 years total, and about half the time was first just friendship, then the other half was dating, including engagement (we’re 25 now btw, and I don’t know how old you are). I say this because it’s a kind of similar situation, of being Catholic, wanting to be pure, taking things slowly (as circumstances have dictated), and of knowing the man for a long time.

Okay, so background over, at some point in our relationship–that is, at the point when I was seriously considering marriage to him, and realizing that yea, I CAN see the rest of my life with him, etc. etc.–I DID ask him about his background in that area. I waited for the closest-to-ideal opportunity I was going to get, and I asked him if he was a virgin, and if he had ever had problems with masturbation, and if he ever viewed pornography (the probable difference between your man and mine, is that mine, although baptized, did not have the same kind of upbringing I had, so while Catholic in name, he was not practicing, not until he met me, but that’s a different story with it’s own timeline. It sounds like your man is a cradle Catholic, so he would no doubt already know what the Church teaches on these things).

Was it hard to talk about and ask? Oh heck yea!! I was very, very nervous, and while I wanted to be tactful, I didn’t want to leave room for misunderstanding. But I had to know. This was a man I may spend my life with, who would raise children with me. And because of certain history in my own family, plus previous dating situations that turned out to not be what I was looking for, not to mention all the stories you hear, I knew that I had to make sure where we stood. And by asking now, about something so delicate, so serious, I knew that, depending on how he reacted and answered, I knew whether or not I could talk to him about other important and deep issues in the future. Which is also important to know, because communication is soooo key. If I can’t talk to him about these things, what else would I not be able to talk about later, that could potentially breed insecurity, resentment, etc.? Thankfully, my man is honest and straightforward, and therefore he answered honestly and straightforwardly. And if this guy is honest with you, then there shouldn’t be harm in believing what he says.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you want an answer, you won’t know unless you ask the question. Dropping hints, being subtle about it, just doesn’t work for things you are very serious about. Particularly with guys, who, no offense to any! can sometimes not pick up the cues, shall we say!

If this man has a history, then you can take the next step and go from there. If he doesn’t, then you’ll be much more comfortable, and at peace.

If you want to, you can PM me, and we can talk a little more in depth about it, but otherwise, I say be honest with yourself, and with him.

God bless!
Grey

 

[JackieMom]

If you are discerning marriage, I would just ask him how he feels about pornography and masturbation. This can lead to a conversation where you say those two things are deal-breakers, relationship-wise.

 

[TarkanAttila]

Who knows? He may have a habit. But perhaps he’s been trying to break it for years, understands it is a mortal sin, but somehow it has held him captive.

Maybe he needs your help, more than you need the perfect life partner.

 

[Brando]

I wouldn’t be too concerned about the fact that he knows the names of women who are regularly discussed on the front page of Google News. If he starts mentioning a lot of porn star names, especially the ones that haven’t been regularly discussed in pop culture, that’s a bad sign.

But he’s showing that he cares about purity, and the only thing you can come up with for doubting him is that he knows celebrity names that you wish he didn’t. Celebrities who have a prime time special every year featuring pop stars.

Just have a frank discussion with him about sexuality, and either trust his answers or break up with him.

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[R_C]

I am completely TERRIFIED that this young man will turn out to be someone who views pornography or masturbates.

Fear is never from Christ, or is it?

On a certain booklet on vocation discernment, there is a whole chapter called “The will of the spirit against Christ is revealed in fear”.

God does not reveal himself by fear or through fear. God does not scare a man into the priesthood, nor does he scare a man into marriage. God does not scare a man into celibacy, nor does he scare him from celibacy. God does not scare anyone into anything.

God reveals his desires to us and draws us by a peaceful presence. It is the spirit against Christ who scares men into and out of things. The spirit against Christ reveals his desires through fear.

The spirit against Christ drives man by a fear of something false, while the spirit of Christ draws a man by a peaceful presence to something that is true.

Does your fear come when you are desiring to do God’s will and the thought of your choosing not do do His will causes you fear? Or, rather, does your fear come when you are focused on what you want and the thought that God may want something different makes you afraid? If so, identify that as the will of the spirit against Christ and turn away from it, inviting Christ into the situation by repeating a simple prayer like: “Jesus, I trust in you!”

If he is a faithful Catholic, and you attend Mass and Adoration together, either he (1) does not commit the sins you so greatly dislike [a commendable thing], or (2) if he ever did or still does fall into temptation, he is working hard to overcome them with the help of his confessor.

As someone who did and still does struggle with such temptations, I can tell you this one thing: when we struggle, the first motion of the spirit against Christ is to move us away from Christ and the Church. This means delaying confession, not attending Mass, not attending Adoration, praying less and less. Therefore if you see the spirit of prayer shining through him, it would seem that he is or is trying hard to be close to Christ and in the state of grace.

Perhaps instead of trying to adopt roles that are not befitting of you (such as trying to teach him) you may want instead to promote a spirit of prayer (taking further occasions to pray together, especially for discernment of God’s will, say, the Rosary, litanies, prayers after Mass, just to mention some examples). Also I kindly remind you that as far as I know (but I may be mistaken) men and women do feel very different about certain temptations…and for us, especially at a certain age, things are very difficult to a degree that even culpability is often greatly eased (though if the three conditions are met, the sins remain mortal sins) so perhaps you are not in the best position to judge someone so harshly simply because he carries a heavy cross that you have never tasted (solely by God’s grace).

I pray that you find more peace and that you trust more in God. Remember that we can only and should only focus on ourselves, though we always want (and should want!) to help our partner (be it a boyfriend today or a spouse tomorrow) to become a saint [though it is God who does the sanctification, we must be His instruments].

 

[1ke]

So, you realize this is about you, not him, right?

I encourage you to get some counseling with your priest or a Catholic counselor. It may not be the right time for you to be in a serious relationship.=

 

[Mangaartist]

Honestly? If you’re discerning marriage with this young man, which, it sounds like you are, lol, I would straight up ask him. Of course, you don’t have to be too blunt about it, you can be quite tactful.

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half now, but we’ve known each other for 6 years total, and about half the time was first just friendship, then the other half was dating, including engagement (we’re 25 now btw, and I don’t know how old you are). I say this because it’s a kind of similar situation, of being Catholic, wanting to be pure, taking things slowly (as circumstances have dictated), and of knowing the man for a long time.

Okay, so background over, at some point in our relationship–that is, at the point when I was seriously considering marriage to him, and realizing that yea, I CAN see the rest of my life with him, etc. etc.–I DID ask him about his background in that area. I waited for the closest-to-ideal opportunity I was going to get, and I asked him if he was a virgin, and if he had ever had problems with masturbation, and if he ever viewed pornography (the probable difference between your man and mine, is that mine, although baptized, did not have the same kind of upbringing I had, so while Catholic in name, he was not practicing, not until he met me, but that’s a different story with it’s own timeline. It sounds like your man is a cradle Catholic, so he would no doubt already know what the Church teaches on these things).

Was it hard to talk about and ask? Oh heck yea!! I was very, very nervous, and while I wanted to be tactful, I didn’t want to leave room for misunderstanding. But I had to know. This was a man I may spend my life with, who would raise children with me. And because of certain history in my own family, plus previous dating situations that turned out to not be what I was looking for, not to mention all the stories you hear, I knew that I had to make sure where we stood. And by asking now, about something so delicate, so serious, I knew that, depending on how he reacted and answered, I knew whether or not I could talk to him about other important and deep issues in the future. Which is also important to know, because communication is soooo key. If I can’t talk to him about these things, what else would I not be able to talk about later, that could potentially breed insecurity, resentment, etc.? Thankfully, my man is honest and straightforward, and therefore he answered honestly and straightforwardly. And if this guy is honest with you, then there shouldn’t be harm in believing what he says.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you want an answer, you won’t know unless you ask the question. Dropping hints, being subtle about it, just doesn’t work for things you are very serious about. Particularly with guys, who, no offense to any! can sometimes not pick up the cues, shall we say!

If this man has a history, then you can take the next step and go from there. If he doesn’t, then you’ll be much more comfortable, and at peace.

If you want to, you can PM me, and we can talk a little more in depth about it, but otherwise, I say be honest with yourself, and with him.

God bless!
Grey

I’m seconding this.

 

[PrayingDuck]

Thank you all for your replies. I think I am going to pray about it more. I will say that I have had mental health issues (anxiety, OCD, scrupulosity) in the past, and while I am doing quite well with them these days, they tend to rear their ugly head whenever I am in a relationship, so it is definitely a challenge to know what fears are rational and which are simply a product of chemical imbalances.

Several people mentioned that it may not be my place to kind of “teach” him and be his moral compass, and I actually came to that conclusion last night when I was reflecting on it. As I don’t have real evidence of a problem, I think it’s probably not worth worrying about at this point, unless I notice an actual issue. And I can cross that bridge when I come to it, if I come to it. Especially if things end up moving towards marriage, although that would be a long ways off!

(Also, thanks for not all telling me I’m crazy to think about these things! If I brought this up to my non-Catholic friends, I think I’d get more than a few weird looks! )

 

[GraceUnderFire]

I started a similar thread not too long ago (except mine was a hypothetical about men, not an actual guy LOL). It’s a valid concern. . .

Every man will struggle for his entire life with masturbation. It is a fact. This does not mean that it cannot be overcome, but it is something that will always be a threat to men of normal sexual health. It is a temptation at forty and a temptation at fourteen. I’m just giving you a man’s perspective. Masturbation is, from what I understand, very different for men and women. I don’t want to get into the mechanics of it, but its different. If you meet a man who only struggles with masturbation every once in a while and he doesn’t have actual sex outside of marriage, then you have found, truly, the top one percent of the top one percent of the top one percent of all men. You should be grateful if this is the scenario. That being said, masturbation is still a sin.

Thank you john330 for being honest. Although I’m not a man, I know male sexuality is different than female sexuality and temptation to do this particular act is very strong. . .

 

[GraceUnderFire]

Perhaps instead of trying to adopt roles that are not befitting of you (such as trying to teach him) you may want instead to promote a spirit of prayer (taking further occasions to pray together, especially for discernment of God’s will, say, the Rosary, litanies, prayers after Mass, just to mention some examples). Also I kindly remind you that as far as I know (but I may be mistaken) men and women do feel very different about certain temptations…and for us, especially at a certain age, things are very difficult to a degree that even culpability is often greatly eased (though if the three conditions are met, the sins remain mortal sins) so perhaps you are not in the best position to judge someone so harshly simply because he carries a heavy cross that you have never tasted (solely by God’s grace).

I pray that you find more peace and that you trust more in God. Remember that we can only and should only focus on ourselves, though we always want (and should want!) to help our partner (be it a boyfriend today or a spouse tomorrow) to become a saint [though it is God who does the sanctification, we must be His instruments].

I think praying together and using sacramentals is a great idea. However, if this is someone I am considering marrying, I would still want to know. Knowing what a person struggles with is not a bad thing. . .if the answer is something OP can live with, then doing more spiritual things together is a great way to help him out.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I think praying together and using sacramentals is a great idea. However, if this is someone I am considering marrying, I would still want to know. Knowing what a person struggles with is not a bad thing. . .if the answer is something OP can live with, then doing more spiritual things together is a great way to help him out.

The OP said she recently started seeing the boy. When I hear/read the word recently, it makes me think that they just started dating. IF this kid is having trouble with immoral things, or if he isn’t, he shouldn’t have to tell some chick the JUST started seeing. Even if they were friends before dating.

 

[GraceUnderFire]

The OP said she recently started seeing the boy. When I hear/read the word recently, it makes me think that they just started dating. IF this kid is having trouble with immoral things, or if he isn’t, he shouldn’t have to tell some chick the JUST started seeing. Even if they were friends before dating.

Which is why I specifically said: “if this is someone I am considering marrying, I would still want to know.” Meaning, things have moved beyond the getting to know you stage.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Which is why I specifically said: “if this is someone I am considering marrying, I would still want to know.” Meaning, things have moved beyond the getting to know you stage.

I don’t think I know anyone who was considering marrying someone that just started dating. Therefore, it is none of her business. She shouldn’t be worrying about this right now at all. Heck, I don’t worry about this with my husband. Wanna know why? Well, he is a grown man who knows what is right and wrong, I can’t be around him 24/7 and I trust that he does the right thing. If you can’t trust, you shouldn’t be with the person. Period. I have known my husband for 5 years and we have never had the “are you addicted to porn” talk. I have never found any reason to freak out about it. If you or anyone else hasn’t found evidence then you shouldn’t assume that your boyfriend/fiance/husband is doing anything wrong.

Also, knowing names of models isn’t evidence that he is watching porn and masterbating. They are well know like many, many, many other celebrities.

 

[Aaron780]

If a man ever tells you hes never masterbated before then hes lying, I know its a sin and im sorry to say this but its the hard truth, You have to be a male to understand, If this is the type of man you are looking for then your in for a long wait im afraid, I wouldnt freak out if he tells you hes had a problem with it at some stage of his life… I hope it works out for you:thumbsup:

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

So, you realize this is about you, not him, right?

I encourage you to get some counseling with your priest or a Catholic counselor. It may not be the right time for you to be in a serious relationship.=

As usual 1ke, gives the correct advice, especially in light of this:

Thank you all for your replies. I think I am going to pray about it more. I will say that I have had mental health issues (anxiety, OCD, scrupulosity) in the past, and while I am doing quite well with them these days, they tend to rear their ugly head whenever I am in a relationship, so it is definitely a challenge to know what fears are rational and which are simply a product of chemical imbalances.

Please see a counselor. This issue being present, IMHO, is not healthy for forming relationships, or giving consent for matrimony.

 

[silentfactor80]

I apologize if this is not the right place to be posting this, and please let me know–I’ve never posted before, so I very well might be getting this all wrong!

Anyway, I recently began seeing a wonderful Catholic young man with whom I have been friends for several years. We have agreed that we should take this relationship very slowly, and as such, no physical affection past holding hands and a kiss on the cheek for now. This is very new for me, because I’ve never before dated someone who genuinely cared about my purity (as well as his own). He’s a faithful Catholic, and we attend Mass and Adoration together when our schedules permit.

Of course, being the type of person that I am, I can’t just be happy. I’m not sure if I’m a little jaded from past relationships or what, but I am completely TERRIFIED that this young man will turn out to be someone who views pornography or masturbates. I hold myself to a very high standard when it comes to chastity, and I hope for the people I date to do the same (in general, it has not worked out that way). I honestly don’t know if I would be able to stay with someone if I found out they participated in those activities, but at the same time, I don’t want him to feel like he needs to hide things from me, either. I just want him to be the best man for Christ that he can be.

I’m not sure if I actually have reason for concern, or if I’m worrying about nothing (or being too harsh?). A few things here and there have kind of struck me I suppose. For example, he knows who the various Victoria’s Secret “angels” are, which means he must have more than a passing familiarity with them, right? I mean, I could identify them, too, so maybe I am overthinking, as I have a tendency to do.

I obviously can’t just ask him flat out if he masturbates or anything, so I find myself working “preachy” comments into conversations, like ranting about how so much advertising that we see in today’s world is basically thinly veiled pornography and how it disgusts me–things like that. Which tends to make me seem rather annoying.

Anyway, if anyone has any advice or thoughts on my incoherent ramblings, I would appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut. Thanks in advance!

Honestly, if he does it but is struggling not to then I think its sad to hold him to it. We all have our vices and women do to! My friend that is a priest said the #1 sin for women to confess is pride. We like to think pride isn’t so bad but in many ways its the worst of all sins and can lead to all other sins. If it really means that much to you to find a guy that has never seen porn and never touched himself that is your choice. Although I will say that as a Catholic guy who is a virgin and got away from that stuff long ago finding a woman who maintains a standard of virtue is not easy feat these days. I had an ex-gf tell me what I did was normal, she did it, and if I ever told anyone she looked at porn / masturbated she would deny it and say it was me. I think a lot more women do it that would like to admit. It’s all about holding up that “angel standard” which to me is really just being full of pride.