I'm worried about a friend

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RoseLilacLily

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My friend is in her mid 20s and I’m worried about her. As far as I could tell she had such a strong Catholic background, but when she went to college she just seemed to fall away from it. She got a few boyfriends, and she started having sex with one. She seemed upset about “falling from grace”, but she still kept having sex with her boyfriend. She’s very prolife, and didn’t seem concerned with becoming pregnant. She had a pregnancy scare, but that was negative. A few years later she broke up with her boyfriend and she was devastated. He said he wanted nothing to do with her. A few months later I found out she was still having sex with him, but they were not in a relationship. Now shes pregnant. From what I know he doesn’t really want anything to do with her or the baby. Shes gonna keep it, but I’m scared for her. She always seemed so devoted to Catholicism. How can I help her? Do I encourage her to get back to her religion? Do I help her with the baby when she asks? Do I give her my support on her decisions?
 
I can’t tell you what to do.

But if it was me…I would be there for my friend. I would tell her if there was anything I could do to help, just ask. So yes I would help her.

I would invite her to church with you BUT I would not lecture or continuous invite her if she declines or refuses to go.

The best thing IMO you can do is PRAY for her and the unborn baby. Pray she gets back into the church and that God leads her to choose the best decisions for her and her baby.

Remember (not that I am saying you are doing this) don’t judge her. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone learns from them. God is gracious and loving and will forgive her if she asks for it.

GL to you and your friend and her unborn baby.

I think is sweet that she has you in her life.
 
Yes to everything Linybaby said. This may be exactly the opening she needs to come back to the practice of her faith.

The good news is, your friend is in her mid-20s. She’s not a child. Once she’s more settled, you can talk to her about her plans and maybe encourage her to go talk to a good priest and some sort of counselor about her future. It’s very striking from your story that she was so attached to this guy that treated her like garbage. Going forward, that’s going to be a behavior to work on, so that she has a greater feeling of self-worth and dignity and figures out how to relate to men in a less self-destructive way. When she’s up to hearing it (she won’t be for a while), point out to her that this is not just “religion,” but self-interest. She can’t be throwing herself at men that don’t care for her–it’s a sad and undignified way of life, and a very bad example for children.

Oh, and once things are settled, you can encourage her to pursue a child support judgement.

Pregnant women are really sensitive, so step lightly.
 
There are three things you can do in this situation:
  1. Support your friend while she enters into a very trying time in her life.
  2. Pray for her, her unborn child, and the relationship with the father of the baby.
  3. Set an example by living your own life as a good Catholic.
There is only so much you can say right now. The deed has been done, and there is a baby on the way. So continue to love and support your friend, and help to show her the way back to the Church not only through your words, but your actions also.

St. Francis of Assisi said, "Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.”

God bless
 
Thank you Linybaby. I will help her the best I can if and when she asks. She’s actually inviting others to go to church with her. I know if she asked me I would go with her. Shes been going to church regularly the entire time I’ve known her. Its hard not to judge, but when she throws people under the bus about their loss of virginity, its hard not to remind her shes not a virgin.

@Xantippe: I do hope she realizes shes worth more than what other men are giving her. She has a few options in men. Guys that I believe truly love and treat her well, but she just calls them emotional babies or promises a relationship, but goes for “boys she can fix”.
 
lovedance4ever said:
There are three things you can do in this situation:
  1. Support your friend while she enters into a very trying time in her life.
  2. Pray for her, her unborn child, and the relationship with the father of the baby.
  3. Set an example by living your own life as a good Catholic.
There is only so much you can say right now. The deed has been done, and there is a baby on the way. So continue to love and support your friend, and help to show her the way back to the Church not only through your words, but your actions also.

St. Francis of Assisi said, "Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.”

God bless
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Well stated.
 
RoseLilacLily said:

"Thank you Linybaby. I will help her the best I can if and when she asks. She’s actually inviting others to go to church with her. I know if she asked me I would go with her. Shes been going to church regularly the entire time I’ve known her. Its hard not to judge, but when she throws people under the bus about their loss of virginity, its hard not to remind her shes not a virgin.

“@Xantippe: I do hope she realizes shes worth more than what other men are giving her. She has a few options in men. Guys that I believe truly love and treat her well, but she just calls them emotional babies or promises a relationship, but goes for “boys she can fix”.”

That sounds kind of terrible, both the judginess and treating nice guys badly.

In a couple of months, try to nudge her in the direction of therapy or talking to a priest. I think a good therapist would be very helpful about the relationship stuff. “So, these ‘boys you can fix’–how has that been working for you?”
 
RoseLilacLily said:
My friend is in her mid 20s and I’m worried about her. As far as I could tell she had such a strong Catholic background, but when she went to college she just seemed to fall away from it. She got a few boyfriends, and she started having sex with one. She seemed upset about “falling from grace”, but she still kept having sex with her boyfriend. She’s very prolife, and didn’t seem concerned with becoming pregnant. She had a pregnancy scare, but that was negative. A few years later she broke up with her boyfriend and she was devastated. He said he wanted nothing to do with her. A few months later I found out she was still having sex with him, but they were not in a relationship. Now shes pregnant. From what I know he doesn’t really want anything to do with her or the baby. Shes gonna keep it, but I’m scared for her. She always seemed so devoted to Catholicism. How can I help her? Do I encourage her to get back to her religion? Do I help her with the baby when she asks? Do I give her my support on her decisions?
Click to expand...
As the others have said, you’ll want to be there for her! 👍

:gopray:
 
Thank you everyone for your help.
@lovedance4ever: Since I’m not Catholic I cant show her a good Catholic example, but I do try to be a good person.

@Xantippe: She does see a counselor and a Priest, but she’s very “If you dont say something I like or agree with I wont listen and I’ll do whatever I want” type person. Me and a few other friends have been confused with her attitude for a long time.
 
RoseLilacLily said:

“@Xantippe: She does see a counselor and a Priest, but she’s very “If you dont say something I like or agree with I wont listen and I’ll do whatever I want” type person. Me and a few other friends have been confused with her attitude for a long time.”

That’s not great, either. If she keeps that up, it’s going to be hard to be her friend.
 
@Xantippe: It was for a little while. We broke the friendship off for a few months because I told a mutual friend she was acting like a love sick teenager. The truth can be mean somtimes, but I really should have said it to her face. She was also walking away from other good friendships because of the way we all lived our lives weren’t up to her standards. But she’s pregnant now and needs more people. She needs friends and family, but she cant treat us like we’re disposable when we say something she doesnt like. I’m a bit worried about her mental state. She knows shes done bad in Catholic terms, but what if shes angry at us for small things we cant control? How will the friendships work?
 
RoseLilacLily,

One thing I have to warn you about is that pregnant women can be very emotionally unstable, i.e. borderline CRAZY. It’s a hormonal thing. Add that to your friend’s normal level of functioning (which isn’t so hot), and she’s going to be really weepy/hysterical/irrational. A switch turns on and you just lose emotional regulation and can’t get it back. It’s like you’re suddenly a huge toddler having a meltdown. This happens even to a lot of level-headed women, and I can guarantee that your friend, given her taste for drama, is going to get it bad.

I would encourage you to figure out in advance what to do when she flips out, because it’s going to happen. What often works for toddlers is a change of scene and a change of subject (look, a doggy!), but you may just need to say, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow!”
 
RoseLilacLily said:
@Xantippe: It was for a little while. We broke the friendship off for a few months because I told a mutual friend she was acting like a love sick teenager. The truth can be mean somtimes, but I really should have said it to her face. She was also walking away from other good friendships because of the way we all lived our lives weren’t up to her standards. But she’s pregnant now and needs more people. She needs friends and family, but she cant treat us like we’re disposable when we say something she doesnt like. I’m a bit worried about her mental state. She knows shes done bad in Catholic terms, but what if shes angry at us for small things we cant control? How will the friendships work?
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Maybe the hurtfulness of this is something that needs to be discussed. As X said, pregnant women can be emotionally labels, but she can’t hide behide (lol) her pregnant belly. True friends say the hard things in a loving way.
 
I will say I’m not used to pregnant women and their emotions. I’ll try my best to bite my tongue, unless I know I can soften the blow for her. Right now I’ll focus on helping her out when she asks, and after the babies born I’ll try helping her eith other things. At the moment shes mad that I said “ew” when she talks about how she got pregnant. I’ll try to keep my sensitivity to sexual talk nonexistent. And if she needs a shoulder to cry on I hope I can be someone she turns to.
 
RoseLilacLily said:

“I will say I’m not used to pregnant women and their emotions. I’ll try my best to bite my tongue, unless I know I can soften the blow for her. Right now I’ll focus on helping her out when she asks, and after the babies born I’ll try helping her eith other things.”

Good.

“At the moment shes mad that I said “ew” when she talks about how she got pregnant.”

Too Much Information!

“I’ll try to keep my sensitivity to sexual talk nonexistent. And if she needs a shoulder to cry on I hope I can be someone she turns to.”

Good.

Long-term, I think your friend needs to grow up fast or your friendship is going to die, but for the moment, if you can be there for her, that would be a very good thing.
 
Thanks everyone! I feel confident that I know what to do and say around my friend now. 🙂
 
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