I'm worried I'm trying to date for the wrong reasons

[DarkLight]

What it comes down to is that I feel my reasons for wanting to date are primarily side benefits. I’m lonely, and I want lasting relationships, and I feel like the only option offered to me to fulfill that desire is to marry. I feel like I’m expected to either get married and have kids, or be the weird lonely lady with her cats isolated from society. I feel very isolated from women my age who are by and large having babies or have small children, and that it’s almost impossible to make friends with them unless you also have children and attend child-oriented activities. I’m not terribly interested in most single women around me for the simple reason that they’re in college and seem so very young to me (admittedly, I felt that way somewhat about college students while I was in college, too).

But I’ve never been particularly interested in sex or really had a strong desire for sex. It’s not like I’m afraid of sex or anything, it’s just kind of…the whole idea seems boring and mildly puzzling and a little bit gross. I’m not afraid of sex, I just have a hard time wrapping my head around why I’d want it. I’m somewhat put off by feeling I’d be expected to have sex to sustain a marital relationship - obviously I’m not there yet, but it just feels like it would be very cheap for me.

I never particularly wanted kids of my own either. I like kids just fine, I love working with them (although I’m not terribly fond of babies), but…I just somehow missed any of this desire to have them. I’m not particularly averse to them, but truth be told I’d rather not. It’s already enough of a pain dealing with one person’s issues.

More than anything, it just feels like I watched every other girl I knew go through puberty and go really boy-crazy and then eventually want babies and find a guy and settle down and start a family. And I got told when I hit puberty I’d start being interested in boys but it never hit in the same way. I can sometimes have a crush on someone, but it’s never much and it’s extremely rare and short-term.

I want relationships that last beyond the 2-3 years that seems typical for your average friendship. I want to not be left alone every time people move for work. I’ve been trying to make friends at church but it just doesn’t seem to work. Most of my interests are dominated by men, and most parish groups that would be around my age tend to be focused on men. I’m not adverse to male friends but it does have additional complications that make the kind of real closeness that I want more difficult.

I guess I’m not sure what to do. I’ve never had a difficult time in my life after high school finding potential romantic partners. I’m not sure that’s what I really want, but I’m not sure what else to do.

 

[XndrK]

I’m single too, so take my words with a grain of salt, but:

I think you are going after marriage for the wrong reasons, especially given these two paragraphs.

But I’ve never been particularly interested in sex or really had a strong desire for sex. It’s not like I’m afraid of sex or anything, it’s just kind of…the whole idea seems boring and mildly puzzling and a little bit gross. I’m not afraid of sex, I just have a hard time wrapping my head around why I’d want it. I’m somewhat put off by feeling I’d be expected to have sex to sustain a marital relationship - obviously I’m not there yet, but it just feels like it would be very cheap for me.

I never particularly wanted kids of my own either. I like kids just fine, I love working with them (although I’m not terribly fond of babies), but…I just somehow missed any of this desire to have them. I’m not particularly averse to them, but truth be told I’d rather not. It’s already enough of a pain dealing with one person’s issues.

I’m kinda in this situation too (especially regarding the two paragraphs I quoted), but I’m a) introverted and b) male, neither of which is particularly easy to augment, so my advice may be a little skewed, but:

Back off. I’ve put my trips to the dating pool on indefinite hiatus and I’ve turned out fine. (At least in that respect.) Keep looking for social opportunities. Know that friendships can be fragile, but beautiful in their own way, and try to leave a positive influence on your friends should they or you have to move.

I wish I had more practical advice than “live with it”, but that’s what I’ve done.

Feel free to toss out everything I’ve just said if you don’t think it’ll work. I’m just throwing my two cents out there.

 

[Rau]

DarkLight - how old are you?

 

[DarkLight]

29, edging up on 30 pretty quickly.

I’ve been hearing I’ll feel differently in a few years for about 2 decades now. I’m not holding my breath anymore. Things can always change, but I’d rather not count on that.

 

[Rau]

What it comes down to is that I feel my reasons for wanting to date are primarily side benefits. I’m lonely, and I want lasting relationships, and I feel like the only option offered to me to fulfill that desire is to marry. …

I don’t find “companionship” a side-benefit - I think it’s fairly mainstream. In younger days, I dated girls who were quite plainly longing for eventual motherhood, and others who did not see that in their future much at all. IMHO, neither was more “properly” dating than the other. Certainly anyone who progresses in a romantic type of relationship ought to do so understanding the reasonable interpretations their companion places on the relationship, and, should it progress toward a marriage, must be willing and able to make the commitments natural to marriage.

But I’ve never been particularly interested in sex or really had a strong desire for sex. … it’s just kind of…the whole idea seems boring and mildly puzzling and a little bit gross. …I just have a hard time wrapping my head around why I’d want it. I’m somewhat put off by feeling I’d be expected to have sex to sustain a marital relationship - obviously I’m not there yet, but it just feels like it would be very cheap for me.

It is an odd thing that men are somewhat more clustered toward one end of the libido scale, and women are rather more spread out on the spectrum. It is quite conceivable you might not every really “want it” - by which I mean feel desirous of initiating sex. But it is not healthy that you might feel put off by the idea that you might be “expected to have sex” in your marital relationship. Marriage is sexual relationship. It’s not just a friendship. You need to understand that your husband will quite likely experience sexual desire differently and that it is a good thing that he should, and that should not be a source of discomfort for you.

I want relationships that last beyond the 2-3 years that seems typical for your average friendship. I want to not be left alone every time people move for work. I’ve been trying to make friends at church but it just doesn’t seem to work. Most of my interests are dominated by men, …

I guess I’m not sure what to do. I’ve never had a difficult time in my life after high school finding potential romantic partners. I’m not sure that’s what I really want, but I’m not sure what else to do.

Marriage is of course a road to a long-lasting and intimate friendship, and I can understand the difficulty in achieving long standing friendships as a single person. In my experience, such friendships usually arise from high school, university, Career/place of work or perhaps Church. And many can fall by the wayside if others are getting married, or already married, and you are not. There may not be an obvious solution here, other than participate in social opportunities that present themselves at Church and elsewhere.

 

[Edmundus1581]

Very interesting. I have a 31 year old daughter who has never shown any interest in men, dating or marriage. Unlike you she doesn’t practice her faith, but like you she has her interests, eg. Horses, movies, science, and generally seems content with her lot. There is a bit of this in the women in thy family line.

I have been very puzzled by her attitudes to dating and have feared there is some serious problem behind it. Your post has been most helpful in understanding that this may not be so - that it’s just the way she is. Having read your post I now suspect that at times she may ask herself the same questions as you, ie. Whether fear of loneliness and being different is a good enough reason to start dating. She would also be able to get interest, if she made herself available.

So, that’s not so much advice as a thankyou for sharing.

The two bits of advice I would offer are: one, don’t marry in order to solve any problems you might feel with singleness. Any arriage has more problems than being single, and it can have very serious problems indeed. Secondly, thinking about my daughter, I am reminded of how much you have in your faith, and how this can make a blessing of your single state.

2c

~ Edmundus

 

[DarkLight]

It is an odd thing that men are somewhat more clustered toward one end of the libido scale, and women are rather more spread out on the spectrum. It is quite conceivable you might not every really “want it” - by which I mean feel desirous of initiating sex. But it is not healthy that you might feel put off by the idea that you might be “expected to have sex” in your marital relationship. Marriage is sexual relationship. It’s not just a friendship. You need to understand that your husband will quite likely experience sexual desire differently and that it is a good thing that he should, and that should not be a source of discomfort for you.

I am uncertain how natural a thing that is. It seems to me that certain eras and cultures have had the idea that men were the ones who primarily desired sex, and women simply tolerated it. Others thought that the normal woman had an insatiable desire for sex that had to be checked by the virtues of men. Culture, I suspect, influences expression - I know of some young ladies who had sexual desires, but did not express them except to trusted friends, for fear of, to use an old-fashioned word, being seen as wanton. The boys tended to be more open.

In my experience, many men get the wrong idea because more women are more circumspect in their attraction. I can tell you that the discussions of sexuality in single-gender company, and in mixed ones, are quite different, especially as one is associating with adult women. I’ve certainly known enough secular women who were sexually active, and their reasons seemed to be largely the same as secular men - they liked sex. I’ve known married Christian women who expressed that it was an activity they enjoyed as well, although among Catholics the concern for pregnancy is an issue.

But at the end of the day, I think the point is that I feel myself wanting for friendship rather than romance, only I fear that it is almost impossible to sustain such a friendship in modern society. As far as sex with my husband, I understand the role in marriage, but I think it could be hard for me not to feel “used” in such a scenario. But I feel, especially among Christians, that outside of clergy and the rare religious, those I interact with either are married or seek to be so soon.

 

[Edmundus1581]

I came across this today. It seems relevant, but I share with a great deal of caution. I am not suggesting the part about her lesbian past is relevant, but what does seem relevant is that she made a good choice of husband, committed to him, and the love and happiness followed.

I Never Became Straight. Perhaps That Was Never God’s Goal.

Why I embraced the Bible's sexual ethic before I understood it.

www.christianitytoday.com

 

[Rau]

I am uncertain how natural a thing that is.

I’m not sure to what you refer - is it the difference spread on the libido scale? I wasn’t painting a picture applicable in every time, place and culture - but I think one broadly applicable.

But at the end of the day, I think the point is that I feel myself wanting for friendship rather than romance, only I fear that it is almost impossible to sustain such a friendship in modern society.

I agree it is difficult, probably quite a deal moreso than in earlier times.

As far as sex with my husband, I understand the role in marriage, but I think it could be hard for me not to feel “used” in such a scenario.

I suggest that is an issue you would need to consider deeply before entering marriage. At the present time - are you able to intellectually recognise that resenting a loving husband’s desire for sexual intimacy is unreasonable?

 

[DarkLight]

I suggest that is an issue you would need to consider deeply before entering marriage. At the present time - are you able to intellectually recognise that resenting a loving husband’s desire for sexual intimacy is unreasonable?

I mean, that’s the whole issue. I understand completely that most people want sex from their spouses, and this is a normal and reasonable expectation. That doesn’t mean that being expected to have sex when it’s something that you don’t want isn’t a potential source of pretty serious issues. One’s feelings rarely follow perfectly rational logic, and by the time they do none of us will be getting married. The marital act is supposed to be unitive, and I wonder if it genuinely can be when one partner lacks the desire for it.

I should make it clear that I don’t think this is a general case - in fact the whole issue is that I recognize that, for most couples, they want to have sex. And it’s important to them and something that brings them closer together. Sometimes there’s a bit of give and take, but most people don’t want to be in a relationship that doesn’t eventually involve sex. Most couples enjoy having sex, and that’s good for them! Most married women I know, absent some other serious issue, want to have sex with their husbands, even if not always at the same time or with the same frequency that their husbands do. I’m in no way against sex in any sort of general sense, or holding any such nonsense about it being unreasonable for an individual to want sex from their spouse.

What it comes down to me is I feel like I desperately crave the sort of emotional intimacy and commitment that, in our society, seem to exist only within marriage. But at the same time I am unsure I could make the marriage commitment involving sex and children and all that without inviting problems. And I feel like I don’t know where to turn - I feel like my choices are to settle for ephemeral friendships that form rarely and fall apart commonly, or to marry anyway.

 

[DarkLight]

The thing you have to remember here, of course, is there’s a lot of “you don’t know until you get there” going on. If I end up in a serious relationship with someone I like, things could change. Things could change after getting married. You can never know the whole future.

But I can’t help but feel I wouldn’t be interested in marriage if I felt like I could have genuinely stable friendships.

 

[Lea101]

I can somewhat relate…somewhat. I crave for a relationship but in the back of my mind I know that it’s probably because I don’t have much meaningful friendships in my life.

The focus you should have is working on stable relationships, imo. Someone once said here to focus on getting your bridesmaids, not your bride.

What’s stopping you from having good friends? Honestly I wouldn’t be too worried about feeling a little off about marriage, you probably need to have your need for emotional intimacy fulfilled, or else dating and marriage would seem more of a weird abstract idea.

You seem to know that, and I honestly don’t have a magical cure because I don’t have any emotional intimacy with anyone, but like I said, don’t focus on marriage.

You don’t have to make friends at church (or you could go to another parish and try your luck there). You could join interest groups, volunteer etc.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

I want to mention something.

Today, our culture views sex as something that EVERYONE is supposed to want, anytime, any place and with anyone.

It made me die a little inside every time even my other single Catholic friends spoke about sex because they found SO MANY men sexually attractive. I thought I must be asexual. I just didn’t feel that way.

Well, I met my husband and I did feel attracted to him, but as I got closer to him, the sexual love developed. The more we were together, the more attractive sex became.

I still don’t have a crazy libido and I talked about this with a sister who worked in campus ministry. She said it’s more common than we think. Many people don’t have strong sexual feelings towards just anyone–most of those feelings are developed over time. She mentioned that she felt she’d seen more good marriages where this occurred than if both parties were more likely to have felt a great deal sexually towards mere strangers.

 

[F_Marturana]

I’m not sure your reasons are wrong.

Adam didn’t want to be alone.

Would you accept children if you get married? Would you be able to enjoy intimacy? Libido isn’t set in stone and can fluctuate during your life and even during the course of the month.

 

[DarkLight]

What’s stopping you from having good friends? Honestly I wouldn’t be too worried about feeling a little off about marriage, you probably need to have your need for emotional intimacy fulfilled, or else dating and marriage would seem more of a weird abstract idea.

I just feel like I never meet anyone my own age, and when they do I know them for a year or so and then either they move far away, or they get into a relationship and drop everyone. Most women my age that I do know, when I’ve asked where they make friends, the answer is that it’s at stuff like play dates or school activities or kid’s sports games.

I wish I could volunteer, but at this point if I could commit to something I feel like I’d be committing to more paid work because I need the money.

Would you accept children if you get married? Would you be able to enjoy intimacy? Libido isn’t set in stone and can fluctuate during your life and even during the course of the month.

That’s the hard part. I can’t really know if I’d be able to enjoy intimacy until I actually try to have sex. I’d accept children, but I’d worry that I’d secretly resent them. I already feel like there’s never enough time in the day to do the duties of life without feeling like I want to collapse, how could I add an infant into the mix? Plus of course learning how to parent, I don’t really know anyone older that I would respect enough to help and I certainly don’t want to follow the path my parents did.

 

[TechieGuy]

Sounds like you might be a romantic asexual.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

I just feel like I never meet anyone my own age, and when they do I know them for a year or so and then either they move far away, or they get into a relationship and drop everyone. Most women my age that I do know, when I’ve asked where they make friends, the answer is that it’s at stuff like play dates or school activities or kid’s sports games.

I wish I could volunteer, but at this point if I could commit to something I feel like I’d be committing to more paid work because I need the money.

So perhaps right now your issue isn’t simple lonilness but time.

That’s the hard part. I can’t really know if I’d be able to enjoy intimacy until I actually try to have sex. I’d accept children, but I’d worry that I’d secretly resent them. I already feel like there’s never enough time in the day to do the duties of life without feeling like I want to collapse, how could I add an infant into the mix? Plus of course learning how to parent, I don’t really know anyone older that I would respect enough to help and I certainly don’t want to follow the path my parents did.

In my experience, sex comes from love. I did not really desire sex until well into my dating my husband. Those feelings just barely started when we got engaged. Now, they are there. I have been told by a good source that is the ordered way things happen. We are not creatures meant to have sexual arousal at every man who comes our way.

About kids–kids do take up much time…but time is different. As a single person I was BUSY! My first job had me often working 60 hours a week. I spent time with my young adult group, I watched my friend’s child frequently (single mom who needed a break). I tutored some homeschool girls. I got my Masters. I trained my dog to Canine Good Citizen level. I had no time.

When I met my husband, some of the things fell by the wayside. When we got married, we were busy with house things and family obligations. Then kids.

I’m now a SAHM/WFHM. Things can get busy but they are a really good busy. Even though I have to find time to work 20-30 hours a week it’s far less stressful than having to be 8 different places one after another. I control my time. And while early babyhood is alot of work with little reward–toddlers and preschoolers are fun and very funny. And yes, things that are obnoxious when it’s another kid, is adorable when it’s yours. I mean, we’d look at books of all sorts of animals and she’d insist that they were ALL “dog-dog” and that they all went “RAUR”. Even the turtle. On another kid? Blah. But with her–it was so cute.

 

[DarkLight]

So perhaps right now your issue isn’t simple lonilness but time.

I mean, that doesn’t help, but there’s also the big issue that pretty much everything I’ve investigated, people (especially women) around my age aren’t interested. The focus for my age group seems to be primarily on child and family oriented activities. Also, like I said, there seems to be little stability - people move away, or marriage or children happen and they no longer have time for friends.

About kids–kids do take up much time…but time is different. As a single person I was BUSY! My first job had me often working 60 hours a week. I spent time with my young adult group, I watched my friend’s child frequently (single mom who needed a break). I tutored some homeschool girls. I got my Masters. I trained my dog to Canine Good Citizen level. I had no time.

I suspect my own health being a mess doesn’t help here. It’s a different concern because business or extra tiredness from health isn’t easily reduced. If I had a kid, I’d still have to be continually keeping on top of multiple doctors and issues. I’d still have to worry that my body basically decides to shut down if not getting a regular sleep schedule (I will literally start throwing up if my sleep is disrupted too much). You just can’t let that sort of thing go without it coming crashing down around you.

Sounds like you might be a romantic asexual.

I’ve heard the term, although I’m not sure it’s of terribly much use. I am, above all, a Catholic, and that means many of the sites or advice aimed at such things are not applicable to me. For an obvious example, I couldn’t permit a man to “satisfy his needs” somewhere else as a compromise. I also must remember the possibility of children in any case.

 

[Emperor_Markus]

Are you old enough to get married?
Then get married.

 

[Xantippe]

Some thoughts:
–As I believe somebody else has mentioned, it’s not wrong to be interested in marriage for companionship. It’s not a fringe benefit, like winding up Queen of England or receiving an inheritance.
–I can’t remember exactly, but I want to say that I wasn’t really that interested in having children until my husband and I started dating.
–My husband also wasn’t that interested in children until we were serious. (He’s gotten much more into it since then.)
–There’s unfortunately not really any good preparation for having children of one’s own. Even some of the Duggar girls weren’t really ready to have their own on their own.
–Non-marital sexual activity (especially the nonconsensual and semi-consensual variety) is gross, so that’s not really much of an indicator as to how one will feel about actual marital relations.
–I don’t want to sound like I’m shoving you toward the altar, but the only things that you mention that give me concern are a) lack of desire and b) health problems that will make it harder to parent.