Immediately open to life?

[katillac1]

Hi All,

I really have an pathological fear of babies, pregnancy, having kids…the whole deal. I know the Church thinks that the purpose of marriage is to have children and that if both parties aren’t accepting of that on wedding day, they don’t even have a valid marriage. Where does someone like me fit in? While I can’t imagine myself ever having a baby, part of me hopes that might change one day. The thought of having a grown family when I’m old is appealing at least. So say I want to get married, would the Church forbid that? I don’t like contraception and would be open to using NFP, and the potential husband wants kids someday and would be ok with that as well. Is the fact that I have such a strong fear that I need to get over to have at least an acceptable life with a baby count as reason to avoid, or would the church see that as not open to children?
I guess what I’m saying is that right now I don’t want children, but have hopes that someday, God and spouse, therapists, whatever, will help me to have a change of heart. Having said that, I completely don’t understand why the Church would not recognize a future marriage. Doesn’t it make sense to allow marriage to take place, to love and grow with your spouse, all the while tackling this issue together? Through prayer I fully believe that a miracle can take place and I’ll be ready for motherhood. The alternative would be to deny me the happiness of a wonderful man, stew on the problem alone, then when I decide I’m ready to have kids, be forced to find a man to have my babies before my clock runs out. It seems to me that the former situation would be a more loving and stable environment, plus if/when I do decide that I can be a mother I’m already married to a loving man that has wanted children with me since the beginning.
Please don’t label me as selfish, evil, unworthy of love…etc etc. I have a real problem that I have to deal with. It would also not be acceptable for him to wait on me- this may take many many years.
I just want to know to how the Church would view a situation like mine.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Obviously there are situations where mental illness can be an issue and using NFP would be prudent - I can’t judge your case for you, but it is plausible.

The issue I’m seeing is that you’re mostly talking about YOURSELF in your post. What about your potential husband’s desires? Shouldn’t HE have some say in this? What if you never get to the point where you feel “mentally healthy” enough to have children - would that create any bitterness from your potential husband? You mentioned that he WANTS kids… would you be willing to share in that?

Marriage is not just about ME… it’s about US… it’s about trusting each other and leaning on each other and praying TOGETHER. Your post just sounded so… SELF-ish - I don’t mean that in it’s negative connotation, just that it was all about YOU.

 

[BiologyBrain]

I really have an pathological fear of babies, pregnancy, having kids…the whole deal. I know the Church thinks that the purpose of marriage is to have children and that if both parties aren’t accepting of that on wedding day, they don’t even have a valid marriage. Where does someone like me fit in? While I can’t imagine myself ever having a baby, part of me hopes that might change one day. The thought of having a grown family when I’m old is appealing at least. So say I want to get married, would the Church forbid that? I don’t like contraception and would be open to using NFP, and the potential husband wants kids someday and would be ok with that as well. Is the fact that I have such a strong fear that I need to get over to have at least an acceptable life with a baby count as reason to avoid, or would the church see that as not open to children?
I guess what I’m saying is that right now I don’t want children, but have hopes that someday, God and spouse, therapists, whatever, will help me to have a change of heart. Having said that, I completely don’t understand why the Church would not recognize a future marriage. Doesn’t it make sense to allow marriage to take place, to love and grow with your spouse, all the while tackling this issue together? Through prayer I fully believe that a miracle can take place and I’ll be ready for motherhood. The alternative would be to deny me the happiness of a wonderful man, stew on the problem alone, then when I decide I’m ready to have kids, be forced to find a man to have my babies before my clock runs out. It seems to me that the former situation would be a more loving and stable environment, plus if/when I do decide that I can be a mother I’m already married to a loving man that has wanted children with me since the beginning.
Please don’t label me as selfish, evil, unworthy of love…etc etc. I have a real problem that I have to deal with. It would also not be acceptable for him to wait on me- this may take many many years.
I just want to know to how the Church would view a situation like mine.

You’re going to get LOTS of varying answers on this question. My opinion is that the Church would encourage you to get whatever counselling (both medical/mental and/or spiritual) to get over your pathological fear of pregnancy, babies, etc prior to committing to marriage. If you commit to marriage but openly admit that you don’t want children you are doing yourself & your spouse a disservice - not to mention not meeting all the requirements for Catholic marriage (open to children).

NFP is effective, but its not fail-safe. How would you deal with an ‘accidental’ pregnancy while practicing NFP? Part of the morality of NFP is accepting that ‘accidents’ do happen and sometimes God gives you a child you didn’t plan on having. If that would completely disrupt you, then you need to rethink NFP and with it marriage.

If your fear of pregnancy, babies, etc is based on ignorance of said subjects and/or horror stories of said subjects, then its probably pretty easily overcome by arming yourself with facts. Read pregnancy & parenting books. Speak with parents you admire at Church or in the neighborhood. Spend time w/ parents w/ babies and/or pregnant women to see how they deal with the situation that frightens you so much. Discuss this w/ your boyfriend (prospective husband) and see if you can get him to help you understand what it is exactly about pregnancy & babies that you fear. Go to a good priest for a discussion on being open to life and your problem. There are avenues out there for you to go down to overcome this issue. It may not be easy and it may not be quick, but I would strongly encourage you to get somewhat of a handle on the issue prior to committing to a Catholic marriage.

If you are confident that you WILL overcome your fears and accept a pregnancy when/if God grants you one, then I’d say you’re probably ok to get married. However, be completely honest w/ your priest & future spouse so the issue gets resolved sooner rather than later. Failure to be open to life CAN and DOES nullify marriages down the road. I’d also advise you to be entirely sure that your prospective spouse is ready to commit to you as well. You indicate that him waiting for you isn’t an option. However, it really should be an option regardless of the situation. Getting married can (and should) mean having children if possible physically. If you’re not ready, but he is, then one of you will have to bend or give up the relationship IMO.

 

[katillac1]

I didn’t mean for it to sound selfish. I don’t know how to describe my problem with it not being about me. Also the potential, future husband has clearly stated that he would rather have a marriage with me than children. If children never resulted, he would be ok with that outcome. We’ve talked about this alot. Also, I think it’s alot more selfish for a man to make a wife go through all of that when he wants a kid and she’s not ready. The women have to deal with the majority of all that goes on.

 

[purplesunshine]

These things defiantly need to be worked out before you enter into a marriage covenant.

If you’re looking for healing, go to healing. Its noble you recognize this fear and now you must attack it.

The church dosn’t deny anyone happines, but you’re denying yourself to your spouse. In marriage you’re making an effort to give your whole self to the other. Its impossible to say “I give you all” and than add “but my fertility”. Part of your words about being “forced” to stew alone, “forced” to find a man before your clock runs out is harsh. God dosn’t force anyone to do anything. That’s why He gave us free will. Even if you one day wake up and are healed and want children you’re under no obligation to have children.

 

[BiologyBrain]

I didn’t mean for it to sound selfish. I don’t know how to describe my problem with it not being about me. Also the potential, future husband has clearly stated that he would rather have a marriage with me than children. If children never resulted, he would be ok with that outcome. We’ve talked about this alot. Also, I think it’s alot more selfish for a man to make a wife go through all of that when he wants a kid and she’s not ready. The women have to deal with the majority of all that goes on.

In his own way a man deals with a lot as well throughout pregnancy and raising children. Just b/c the woman’s body is the one giving the signs of change, doesn’t mean she’s the only one changing. My husband did a lot of growing up while I was pregnant (plus the miscarriages & such), so he probably changed just as much as I did, just not in as obvious ways. Unless your future spouse is just going to be a sperm donor, he’ll be changing as well! Also, don’t forget some men suffer sympathetic pregnancy symptoms - even down to belly growth, lactation, and hormonal swings. It just depends on the man how obvious his changes will be!

 

[katillac1]

As an answer to the second post, if an accident did result, I would deal with it the best I could- Which might mean handing baby off to husband and leaving the room for a while No really, I am completely pro-life and would accept it. Thanks for the advice. I have gone to baby websites, read magazines, talked to people, been around pregnant ladies, held babies, even researched and watched live births and been to baby showers. I can’t…handle…it. I thought it was the fact that I was misinformed and making up a huge horror story up in my head, but after all of that I’ve found myself getting worse and more anti-baby. I’ve talked to family, talked to the boyfriend, friends, prayed for a change of heart and I seem to headed in the opposite direction. Strange how you can’t tell your brain what to do sometimes. I’m still trying to change. Therapy is a last resort that I haven’t tried yet, mainly because I’m just still dating, but I haven’t ruled it out.

I thought the point of NFP was that you still gave your whole self in the marital act? My fertility would still be there, we just would be abstaining at times until a child could be welcomed by both parents.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Awww heck… I’m not a “baby person”… and certainly not a “fan” of childbirth or the tough infancy years… But they grow up! They don’t stay babies forever! It’s definitely a sacrifice, but one worth every difficult and challenging moment!

 

[katillac1]

I Also, don’t forget some men suffer sympathetic pregnancy symptoms - even down to belly growth, lactation, and hormonal swings.

Really!! That put a smile on my face

 

[dashso40]

You know, it’s a very different feeling when the kids you are taking care of are your own…I have 3 kids, the feeling that I had when they were born was a feeling that was so wonderful, it’s too wonderful to describe…and when you see that helpless baby looking at you, the feeling of complete, unconditional love you feel is indescribable…Open your heart to the Lord and He will open your heart to children or just one child…I don’t know how old you are but feelings change the older you get, usually…

 

[katillac1]

You know, it’s a very different feeling when the kids you are taking care of are your own…I have 3 kids, the feeling that I had when they were born was a feeling that was so wonderful, it’s too wonderful to describe…and when you see that helpless baby looking at you, the feeling of complete, unconditional love you feel is indescribable…Open your heart to the Lord and He will open your heart to children or just one child…I don’t know how old you are but feelings change the older you get, usually…

I know you mean well, but that doesn’t and never has worked to change my mind. The thought of a helpless baby makes me want to hand it off at arms length to someone that wants to take care of it. Told you I have a problem. I’m 23, and I’ve felt this way my whole life, but there’s still room for improvement.

But let’s stick to the original topic. No one is going to change my mind on here, I’m just curious as to how the Church would handle a situation like mine. I’m working on the kid thing, but no where near it yet. Would the Church deny marriage to me or not?

 

[purplesunshine]

Honestly most priests probably wouldn’t deny you a marriage.

But in concience you should know its not a valid marriage.

Even claiming mental illness you’re going into a marriage with grounds for an annulment, which would mean that you cannot enter into that covenant.

 

[MariaTheresa]

Hello,

I read your posts and couldn’t help thinking that maybe you are getting ahead of yourself a little.
It sounds like you have a lot of worries right now. Thinking that you could never marry because you are afraid your thoughts and feelings about having children may not be perfectly in line is a heavy burden. If you are engaged, I would talk over your fears with your instuctor in your pre cana classes. If you are not, I would simply make an appointment with your parish priest or another one you know and like and ask your questions. It is not a sin to fear having children. It is not a sin to fear being overwhelmed. Feelings/emotions are not sins. Marriage is a gift that God probably wants you to have. He does not want you to be afraid or confused.
Remember, if you are having so many worries that it is interfering with your daily life, this is likely a sign of an anxiety disorder and counseling may help you put things in perspective.
God loves you and wants to help you work out your questions in peace without fear.

Maria

 

[budgie2]

I don’t know what your particular situation is. Perhaps it may help you to have experience with young babies and children and volunteer with the mother and toddlers groups at Church or preparation for Holy Communion, Bible school (it’s called children’s liturgy here). Hope all goes well. Sure that it’s not as big as it seems and I would just pray a lot. I would pray in Christ’s name that he takes away your fear and helps you through pregnancy.

 

[Em_in_FL]

But let’s stick to the original topic. No one is going to change my mind on here, I’m just curious as to how the Church would handle a situation like mine. I’m working on the kid thing, but no where near it yet. Would the Church deny marriage to me or not?

Would you be willing to accept the vows of marriage - “to accept children openly”?

If not… then you’re probably not ready for marriage.

Here is the link to the Catechism on the Sacrament of Matrimony…

And an important quote from that page:

The openness to fertility

1652
"By its very nature the institution of marriage and married love is ordered to the procreation and education of the offspring and it is in them that it finds its crowning glory."162

      Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves. God himself said: "It is not good that man should be alone," and "from the beginning [he] made them male and female"; wishing to associate them in a special way in his own creative work, God blessed man and woman with the words: "Be fruitful and multiply." Hence, true married love and the whole structure of family life which results from it, without diminishment of the other ends of marriage, are directed to disposing the spouses to cooperate valiantly with the love of the Creator and Savior, who through them will increase and enrich his family from day to day.163

 

[kage_ar]

You said something important, you said “suppose I want to get married”.

Marriage is not something we just decide to do, or the next logical step in a romance. Marriage is a Vocation.

Start praying to know what your vocation is. If your vocation is marriage, then, God will supply the grace. You may have a vocation to the religious life.

Discern your vocation first, then, worry about baby puke.

 

[mrpathetic]

1. Discern your vocation. Maybe marriage is not for you, if you are not willing to endure the difficulties of childbirth and motherhood. Or maybe it is. Only God can tell you, so you need to find this, through prayer and reflection.
2. Accept your vocation, and live it to its fullest. If this is marriage, to be open to children, and all the rigors that they entail. If it is not marriage, then do not regret having children, because God didn’t want you to have any, to begin with.

If marriage is your vocation, God will give you the graces to cope with this. Try not to view children as a burden, but as a blessing. There is no reason to fear children. You give birth to a baby, not a bull shark! Sure, parenthood is tough, but then again, the celibate life is not easy, either.

==============================================================

I am viewing this issue from the opposite perspective. My children are nearly grown, and will soon leave the home. I am blessed to have 2 children that are now becoming mature adults, and I am very proud of them. Yes, it has been tough, but I would not give up my children today for anything.

 

[Lancer]

Hi All,

I really have an pathological fear of babies, pregnancy, having kids…the whole deal. I know the Church thinks that the purpose of marriage is to have children and that if both parties aren’t accepting of that on wedding day, they don’t even have a valid marriage. Where does someone like me fit in? While I can’t imagine myself ever having a baby, part of me hopes that might change one day. The thought of having a grown family when I’m old is appealing at least. So say I want to get married, would** the Church** forbid that? I don’t like contraception and would be open to using NFP, and the potential husband wants kids someday and would be ok with that as well. Is the fact that I have such a strong fear that I need to get over to have at least an acceptable life with a baby count as reason to avoid, or would the church see that as not open to children?
I guess what I’m saying is that right now I don’t want children, but have hopes that someday, God and spouse, therapists, whatever, will help me to have a change of heart. Having said that, I completely don’t understand why** the Church would not recognize a future marriage. Doesn’t it make sense to allow marriage to take place, to love and grow with your spouse, all the while tackling this issue together? Through prayer I fully believe that a miracle can take place and I’ll be ready for motherhood. The alternative would be to deny me the happiness of a wonderful man, stew on the problem alone, then when I decide I’m ready to have kids, be forced to find a man to have my babies before my clock runs out. It seems to me that the former situation would be a more loving and stable environment, plus if/when I do decide that I can be a mother I’m already married to a loving man that has wanted children with me since the beginning.
Please don’t label me as selfish, evil, unworthy of love…etc etc. I have a real problem that I have to deal with. It would also not be acceptable for him to wait on me- this may take many many years.
I just want to know to how the Church** would view a situation like mine.

I am not sure how to answer your specific question…but I would suggest you step back and reflect on…** “The Church”…you (and myself also) seem to speak of “The Church”…as some bureaucratic Authoritarian organization…when in fact “The Church” is Our Lord Jesus himself…and when “The Church” **speaks, teaches and guides us in faith and morals issues…it is the Authoritative Voice and Will of Jesus himself:

Luke 10:16 (NAB) Jesus Sends Out the Seventy-Two Disciples
Whoever listens to you listens to me. Whoever rejects you rejects me. And whoever rejects me rejects the one who sent me."

Matthew 18:18 (Douay-Rheims) Peter’s Confession of Faith
Amen I say to you, whatsoever you shall bind upon earth, shall be bound also in heaven; and whatsoever you shall loose upon earth, shall be loosed also in heaven.

So, if…“The Church” says that you should not get married with your current frame of mind about not wanting to have children…are you willing to be obedient to “The Person” speaking. In all honesty…I have not been very obedient on many things that…that** “The Person”** has spoken to me through the Pope, the Magisterium and/or my Bishop…but at least now I know who I was disobeying or ignoring…and can in clear conscience and in all sincerity say:

**Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God…Have Mercy on me a sinner! **

If “The Church” says that you should not get married…at least for now…try to understand the reason why…not just the “NO”…be relentless and open minded/open hearted…to understand the “why” that underlines the “No”…remembering that the Pope and the** Magisterium’s teachings** on** all matters of faith and morals**…is** infallible**! When we do not follow their teachings…we do more than reject the One who Sent the Pope to us…we break God’s Law…and as serious and as ominous as that is…we do something else that is ominous…we break something in ourselves! (e.g., say I don’t believe the physics teacher’s explanation about gravity…I do what I want…I jump off the building with no parachute or safety net…I have every right to do so…yes indeed…but I have no right to avoid the consequences of my actions. So, when I prove that gravity exists just as the physics teacher said it does…he may forgive me and he may even feel bad for me…but my broken bones are my problem…not his!).

God bless…
Pax Christi

 

[Rascalking]

Hi All,

I really have an pathological fear of babies, pregnancy, having kids…the whole deal. I know the Church thinks that the purpose of marriage is to have children and that if both parties aren’t accepting of that on wedding day, they don’t even have a valid marriage. Where does someone like me fit in? While I can’t imagine myself ever having a baby, part of me hopes that might change one day. The thought of having a grown family when I’m old is appealing at least. So say I want to get married, would the Church forbid that? I don’t like contraception and would be open to using NFP, and the potential husband wants kids someday and would be ok with that as well. Is the fact that I have such a strong fear that I need to get over to have at least an acceptable life with a baby count as reason to avoid, or would the church see that as not open to children?
I guess what I’m saying is that right now I don’t want children, but have hopes that someday, God and spouse, therapists, whatever, will help me to have a change of heart. Having said that, I completely don’t understand why the Church would not recognize a future marriage. Doesn’t it make sense to allow marriage to take place, to love and grow with your spouse, all the while tackling this issue together? Through prayer I fully believe that a miracle can take place and I’ll be ready for motherhood. The alternative would be to deny me the happiness of a wonderful man, stew on the problem alone, then when I decide I’m ready to have kids, be forced to find a man to have my babies before my clock runs out. It seems to me that the former situation would be a more loving and stable environment, plus if/when I do decide that I can be a mother I’m already married to a loving man that has wanted children with me since the beginning.
Please don’t label me as selfish, evil, unworthy of love…etc etc. I have a real problem that I have to deal with. It would also not be acceptable for him to wait on me- this may take many many years.
I just want to know to how the Church would view a situation like mine.

You pretty much took the words out of my mouth. I don’t know why marriage has to include children.

 

[lil_flower_luv]

You pretty much took the words out of my mouth. I don’t know why marriage has to include children.

Read this whole thread and you will.