Impending death... And my husband

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LorilopezInneed

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I have posted here about my marital problems and my lack of boundaries. It’s sad but I truly dont know how I should feel about this. My grandfather is in another state. He received last rights then made a bit of a recovery but has since gone back to critical and is now going to hospice. I haven’t seen him in about a year. Should I fly in to see him before he does pass or wait until the funeral?

Also, what kind of reaction would you expect from your spouse regarding this news?
 
I would expect my husband to say, “Make reservations and I will drive you to the airport.”

Go before your grandfather dies.
 
My husband doesn’t want me to go until the funeral and hasn’t asked about him at all.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I would expect my husband to say, “Make reservations and I will drive you to the airport.”

Go before your grandfather dies.
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Mine would do the same thing.

Can you afford to go? Either by car or plane? If so, you need to be on your way.
 
If it’s not possible nor affordable to go without your husband’s consent,
can you think of creative ways to send loving messages to your grandfather?
Do family members living close to your grandfather have laptops and would one of the family be willing to take a DVD or some kind of recorded message to your grandfather expressing your love and your wish to be there, though present circumstances prevent you from actually being there? It’s not much consolation to you, but may be for him.
Or could Skype be used to communicate with your grandfather.

Through use of Skype, I was able to talk with and see my brother-in-law when he was in hospital for six months after an accident paralyzed him. He even introduced me to the nurses who drifted in and out of his room.

Perhaps something is possible if you can’t convince your husband that you wish to visit your grandpa while he is still in this world.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I would expect my husband to say, “Make reservations and I will drive you to the airport.”

Go before your grandfather dies.
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I’m not married but my dad would likely say the same to my mom, or at least give her the option. I know my dad regrets not going to see his brother-in-law (they were close) when he was in the last days of his life.

Praying for you; I recommend you, if you can, go so there’s no regrets to deal with later or try to do what Trishie recommends if you cannot.
 
Yes I can find a way to go. But I’m just angry that my husband is so cold to the situation. He made me feel bad for wanting to go… Before the funeral.
 
If you can only do one visit go while your Grandfather is alive.

Tell him you love him and will miss him.

If you can do 2 visits do both.

It’s horrible for you, I know.
 
LorilopezInneed said:
You would go back for the funeral, too… Yes?
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If I could, I would stay if my grandfather was in his last days. I would go while he was still alive, to say goodbye, and I would try to stay through the funeral if possible. If not possible, I would rather be there while he is still alive. The funeral is for everyone else. Go while he is alive.
 
triumphguy said:
If you can only do one visit go while your Grandfather is alive.

Tell him you love him and will miss him.

If you can do 2 visits do both.

It’s horrible for you, I know.
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This, totally this. 👍

Go NOW. Before he dies. Spend some time with him. Even just an hour matters.

Short story.
My mom died just last year. My sister hadn’t seen her for two years. We knew Mom was dying, but we thought we had a couple of months, weeks at least. 😦 I was told on a Friday that Mom wouldn’t last the weekend. So my sister had to make a fast reservations and fly in ASAP. She almost didn’t make it. She had just 45 minutes with Mom before Mom died on Saturday afternoon.

My sister is still upset with herself. Honestly, I thought she was being just a little bit selfish by not coming. (Cost wasn’t an issue, our dad offered to fly her in a couple of times.) But she always claimed to be too busy. 🤷

So, go, go now. Figure out when you can leave, and do it. If you can stay till the end, do that. If not, come home and go back for the funeral, if you can.
 
I am so sorry for how hard this is for you and your family. I will pray that this works out for you. Try to somehow forgive your husband and not carry anger in your heart as this will only hurt you. My heart goes out to you. Pray the Divine Mercy prayer for your grandfather. It is powerful.

Hugs,
mlz
 
Thank you. You know, this impending death has really put in perspective just how disconnected I am from my family. My husband has really controlled and shaped my life. Unfortunately I stopped visiting home more than once a year and I haven’t kept up with them. My parents did the best they could but they caused me a lot of pain growing up and my husband has used that to keep me from them other than the yearly visit. However he hasn’t visited his family much either.
It just puts life in perspective when I consider all of this…
 
This is just a thought, but would asking your husband to go with you perhaps make him feel more part of this? Or would that just fuel another argument?

Thanks
 
[BIBLEDRB][/BIBLEDRB]

He has accepted that I will go back home. It is tough. It just highlights our issues.
 
Honestly, and I know this won’t be the popular answer, but I wouldn’t give a rat’s patooty what my husband thinks in a situation like this. I’d be going, no questions asked. Now, thankfully, I have a husband who wouldn’t have any issue with it and 1) would assume I was going and support me, and 2) go with me if possible/if I wanted.

Of course, I was extremely close to both of my grandfathers when they were alive. And one of mine lived in another state, so I know that it can be hard to get to see someone far away.

And yes, go back for the funeral. You will most likely regret it if you don’t, IMO.

Prayers for your grandfather, you, & your family…
 
maryjk said:
This, totally this. 👍

Go NOW. Before he dies. Spend some time with him. Even just an hour matters.

Short story.
My mom died just last year. My sister hadn’t seen her for two years. We knew Mom was dying, but we thought we had a couple of months, weeks at least. 😦 I was told on a Friday that Mom wouldn’t last the weekend. So my sister had to make a fast reservations and fly in ASAP. She almost didn’t make it. She had just 45 minutes with Mom before Mom died on Saturday afternoon.

My sister is still upset with herself. Honestly, I thought she was being just a little bit selfish by not coming. (Cost wasn’t an issue, our dad offered to fly her in a couple of times.) But she always claimed to be too busy. 🤷

So, go, go now. Figure out when you can leave, and do it. If you can stay till the end, do that. If not, come home and go back for the funeral, if you can.
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It was probably more denial and fear than anything else, not wanting to face your mom’s impending death. People chicken out and stay in a cloud, thinking that someone will go on and on when they really know better in their heart of hearts. We should all seize every possible moment with our loved ones. Take them out to lunch TODAY. Go see them TODAY. Hug them TODAY. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. They might be called, or YOU might. You never know.

About a month before my father passed, I spent time with him while he was in the hospital. We had some good talks, and a lot of time where I was just there, holding his hand. I wasn’t there when he passed, and unfortunately it was very traumatic for his wife, my step-mother. But I treasure to this day the time I spent with him while he was still alive and able to talk to me.
 
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