Importance of proper instruction during Pre-Marriage Prep

[MamaMia3]

Hi all,
I was just having a conversation with a friend regarding this topic, I want to share with all of you and hear some feedback.
Several years ago (before I became a stay at home mom) a business collegue of mine was sharing his experience as an instructor during Pre-Cana as he and his wife participated regulary as instructors/ speakers. He told me how frequently he was asked by engaged couples about the churches policy on contraception. He said he would resospnd with a joke: what do you call two people on the rythym method…“Parents”.
And then he would tell them that even though the"church " teached NFP only you should use your own judgement.

Now, hear is my (name removed by moderator)ut on the matter… My husband is not Catholic. I am and I try hard to be a good Catholic and not just a “cafeteria” one. When my hubby and I went through Pre-Canna, both the Priest and the Married Participants were super “old school”. NFP or nothing!!! Because my husband , who is not Catholic but has given me full lead in our familys religious rearing he understood fully what this meant for our marriage.
If our instructors were more “liberal” on the matter that would have opened the door for my hubby to say “well they said it wasn’t a big deal so why do I have to comply?”. Fortunatly for us this was not the case. 'But, I am curious as to how many other couples find such laid back instruction regarding contraception vs NFP?

Is this a trend???

 

[kevinsgirl]

DH and I attended an Engaged Encounter as part of our marriage prep and there were lots of questions from attending couples about the church’s teaching on contraception. Unfortunately, of the two couples presenting the preparation, only one was knowledgeable about NFP. Thankfully another engaged couple (along with DH and I) were able to set some matters straight but I thought it was ridiculous that the instructors were so poorly schooled in the non-negotiables of a Catholic marriage.

So it definitely happens…

 

[Phemie]

DH and I attended an Engaged Encounter as part of our marriage prep and there were lots of questions from attending couples about the church’s teaching on contraception. Unfortunately, of the two couples presenting the preparation, only one was knowledgeable about NFP. Thankfully another engaged couple (along with DH and I) were able to set some matters straight but I thought it was ridiculous that the instructors were so poorly schooled in the non-negotiables of a Catholic marriage.

So it definitely happens…

When priests won’t even call it a non-negotiable, if they mention it at all, what can we expect from the laity?

 

[Red_Meg]

Mama Mia–

I’ve heard very similar stories to the one you described, sadly. When DH & I got engaged, the priest we asked to celebrate the wedding was very orthodox-- Opus Dei-- and steered us to this one particular pre-Cana program in one particular parish. He knew we already had solid formation, but he wanted us to hear from a priest and other married couples who were on the same page, and weren’t going to try to feed us mush instead of meat.

On a related note-- this may sound awful, but shouldn’t good pre-Cana programs weed out a certain percentage of couples? As in, enough red flags get raised that the couples and priests running the program need to sit them down very seriously and say, “In good conscience we cannot recommend that you two get married.” Try to prevent the train wreck before it happens, not just clean it up after with an annulment? I don’t get the sense that ever happens.

Frankly, I’d like to see couples required to complete a solid pre-cana program before being allowed to book the church for a specific wedding date. Our culture heavily emphasises “the bigwedding” far more than “the solid marriage,” and we need to counter-balance that pretty strongly. :twocents:

Margaret

 

[Lil_M]

He told me how frequently he was asked by engaged couples about the churches policy on contraception. He said he would resospnd with a joke: what do you call two people on the rythym method…“Parents”.
And then he would tell them that even though the"church " teached NFP only you should use your own judgement.

Is this a trend???

:bigyikes: :bigyikes: :bigyikes:

I was not pleased with how NFP was addressed at our marriage prep. The old couple facilitating showed a 70s, graphic video about NFP and basically asked us to “keep our minds open”. The room was full of cohabitating couples. BUT later on they had a different person speak on the sacrament of marriage and SHE did a fantastic job of laying the cards on the table. This is what the vows mean- if you are planning on contracepting (or are already) that is not a free, total, faithful, fruitful gift of self to your spouse. I wished she had done the whole weekend because she knew her stuff and wasn’t going to sugarcoat it. That said I don’t know if one class/weekend on NFP is going to undo years and years of exposure and acceptance of secular attitudes for most people I’m not saying these are “bad” people, only that they have not had good teaching on the faith.

 

[Phemie]

Mama Mia–

I’ve heard very similar stories to the one you described, sadly. When DH & I got engaged, the priest we asked to celebrate the wedding was very orthodox-- Opus Dei-- and steered us to this one particular pre-Cana program in one particular parish. He knew we already had solid formation, but he wanted us to hear from a priest and other married couples who were on the same page, and weren’t going to try to feed us mush instead of meat.

On a related note-- this may sound awful, but shouldn’t good pre-Cana programs weed out a certain percentage of couples? As in, enough red flags get raised that the couples and priests running the program need to sit them down very seriously and say, “In good conscience we cannot recommend that you two get married.” Try to prevent the train wreck before it happens, not just clean it up after with an annulment? I don’t get the sense that ever happens.

Frankly, I’d like to see couples required to complete a solid pre-cana program before being allowed to book the church for a specific wedding date. Our culture heavily emphasises “the bigwedding” far more than “the solid marriage,” and we need to counter-balance that pretty strongly. :twocents:

Margaret

You are so right. A good marriage preparation should cause some couples to say “Hey, we are really not ready for this. Let’s postpone our plans and work on these things.” or even “Hey, this doesn’t have a hope in H… of ever working. Let’s call it quits now while we still like each other and find someone else to make us happy.”

What really happens is “Oy, we may have problems in the future but we can work it out then, besides, we’ve already spent all this money, we can’t afford to call it off.”

 

[EmBee]

I’d love some proper instruction before my wedding! Unfortunately, I have yet to hear any positive stories about pre-cana. I keep putting off scheduling our class since it will cost $150 for an 8am - 4pm session! We’re being married in a neighboring diocese (which I trust much more to be theologically sound), so we may just travel the three hours and take the class there for $40. I will be annoyed if I get to either class and have to listen to people ‘teach’ watered down Catholicism. I still can’t get over my first day in RCIA when the leader came to me and said “Don’t worry if some of this stuff is scary, we’ll make it work for you!”

Anyway, I’m still hoping FI and I are can convince Monsignor to do a few extra sessions with us one-on-one instead of requiring us to go to precana. If not, I’ll suck it up and try to go with an open mind. Maybe it won’t be as bad as I’m anticipating, oooh and maybe lunch will be tasty!

–

 

[puzzleannie]

our daughters had marriage prep on their respective college campuses, individually with a priest, and both were referred to NFP specialists, couples actually using the method, for solid training, and both say without that one to one instruction from couples using the method they could not have figured it out themselves, and one is a scientist. When we got married 40 years ago and moved to a new town, there was a grapevine in the parish for newlyweds so you could find a priest in a parish who would give you permission to contracept or absolution w/o demanding any change in lifestyle. I actually know more couples now using NFP than I did among my contemporaries on a Catholic campus full of married couples 40 yeas ago. We were treated like neanderthals if it even came up in conversation.

 

[ChristinaM]

I had a similar experience in my pre-Cana. The facilitators were not that brazen about it being “up to your conscience” (I hate the way that term gets abused), but the NFP session was short and not really integrated with the rest of the workshops. It was like, “Okay, here’s this presentation that we HAVE to have, but we don’t expect you to pay much attention…” The couple that was doing the workshop didn’t discuss NFP at all outside of that one session. No discussion of the benefits it can bring to a marriage, the real meaning of unitive and procreative love, etc. I think we spent more time talking about our “personal conception of God” than about the theology of marriage.

My husband is not Catholic either but like your husband he understands the importance of the teachings on contraception. He supports me living my faith fully and completely. He has no use for “cafeteria Catholics” - his attitude is, if you’re going to be Catholic, you should be 100% Catholic. I know exactly where you’re at. It’s hard to evangelize a spouse when all they see around them, is Catholics who ignore their church’s teachings!

I don’t know if one class/weekend on NFP is going to undo years and years of exposure and acceptance of secular attitudes for most people I’m not saying these are “bad” people, only that they have not had good teaching on the faith.

I agree. I started taking NFP classes way before our pre-Cana workshop since I wanted to be sure I knew it well. My NFP instructor was giving the talk during our pre-Cana, and while she did a good job, I got the impression the other couples were totally closed off to it. It’s inevitable, in our culture of “every woman should be on the Pill.” Not only do they not know about the actual science and theology behind NFP, they don’t want to know.

My instructor told me she had more Protestant clients than Catholic ones. (When I went to meet with her, the girl who had the time slot before me was Church of Christ.) Now, that was in an area that was only 3% Catholic, but it was still a disheartening thought.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

IMHO if the marriage prep is an 8 hour day full of information, 4 hours minimum should be spent on NFP. NFP encompasses so much of what your marriage is and should become. Not just the physical act of intercourse that is associated with it, because it is “Family Planning” and planning for your future.

I know that the statistic gets thrown out there a lot, but 98 or 99% of couples that use NFP do not get divorced. There is a reason for that…communication. Constant communication. The Theology of the Body does an amazing job of explaining this.

For us, there was not enough on this in the marriage prep. Fortunately for us, we took upon ourselves to seek out the information, take the classes and make this a priority in our marriage. It is so simple, but people want to make is so difficult. What a shame.

Yes there should be more attention to this.

 

[Lil_Cat]

In our marriage prep there was no mention of NFP. We had to ask about it.