Important to concider before Marriage

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A young family member of mine has said some fairly disturbing things while planning her wedding.

“I told my bridesmaids that if any of them get fat or pregnant, they are OUT of the wedding!”

She was just in my sister’s wedding and my sis is overweight, so to say it with her in the room was a fairly obnoxious thing to do. Of course, my sister wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. The bride to be said she wants the bridesmaids to look good in the pictures, so doesn’t want anyone who looks sloppy. She actually said to my sister “I dont’ want to offend anyone but I just asked my hottest friends because I knew they would look good in the pictures, if anyone is offended that’s their problem, it’s my wedding!”

Just last week she told my sister:

"OK, I just figured out my guest list and I have an ‘A list’ and ‘B list’

when my sister asked what that means she said, “The A list is the people who have money and the B list is for the ppl who don’t” :eek:

I had planned on traveling 10 hrs to get there (probably costing at least $300 and would have spent at least $100 on a gift because I’m very generous with close friends and family. I found out I’m on the “B” list so probably won’t even bother going. It’s kinda funny! It’s not a fun thing to find out you are on a “B” list. Perhaps I could pick up some bee antennae to wear to the reception. 😉 Just joking!

Just an example of a bride to be who is putting the wrong focus on her idea of a picture perfect wedding, rather than on the Sacrament and sharing the day with her family. An example of “what not to be!” LOL.:rotfl:
 
#1: BE CHASTE. You must always be chaste: single chastity now, marital chastity later. By “chaste,” I mean nothing beyond kissing that does NOT arouse either party. It will be so good for your marriage, I cannot emphasize this enough.

#2: Same religion, same way of praticing it.

Following are books I read on courtship and marriage on my own. You’ll note a combination of Protestant and Catholic books because I started reading these when I was still Protestant. (Converted before I met my future husband.)
  1. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life by Cloud and Townsend
  2. Christian Courtship In an Oversexed World by Fr. Morrow
  3. Emotional Infidelity by M. Gary Neuman
  4. Every Man’s Battle by Artenburn & Stoeker
  5. Every Woman’s Battle by Ethridge
  6. Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West
  7. Men and Marriage by Gilder
  8. Open Embrace by Torode
  9. Please Understand Me by Keirsey
  10. Sex . . . According to God by Arther
  11. Ten Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships by Laura Schlessinger
  12. Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives by Laura Schlessinger
  13. The ABCs of Choosing a Good Husband by Stephen Wood
  14. The Divorce Myth by J. Carl Laney
  15. The Gospel of Life by Pope John Paul II
  16. The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger
  17. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman & Silver
  18. The Surrendered Single by Laura Doyle
  19. The Ten Commandments of Dating by Young & Adams
  20. The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25-Year Landmark Study by Wallerstein, Lewis, and Blakeslee
  21. What God Has Joined Together: The Anuullment Crisis in American Catholicism by Robert Vasoli
  22. What Our Mothers Didn’t Tell Us by Danielle Critenden
  23. When Good Men Are Tempted b Perkins
  24. 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged by H. Normon Wright
  25. A Catholic Handbook for Engaged and Newly Married Couples by Frederick W. Marks, Ph.D.
  26. The Book of Questions by Gregory Stock
Following is a list of the reading assigned by our priest for marital instruction

Catechism
  1. Catechism of the Council of Trent (on marriage)
  2. Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1601 et seq. (on marriage)
Encyclicals
  1. Casti Connubii (on Christian marriage) by Pope Piux XI, 1930
  2. Donum Vitae (Respect for Human Life: Instruction on Respect for Human Life in Its Origin and On the Dignity of Procreation) by the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, 1987
  3. Humanae Vitae (on the regulation of births) by Pope Paul VI, 1978
Scripture
  1. Ephesians 5:22–25
  2. Ephesians 5: 28–33
  3. Ephesians 6:1–4
Articles and Excerpts
  1. “The Parable of the Fig Trees,” LEAVES, Sept./Oct. 1953.
  2. Man as Man: The Science and Art of Ethics by Fr. Thomas J. Higgins, S.J., Third Edition, pp. 392–395, Tan Books and Publishers, Inc., 1992.
  3. The Art of Natural Family Planning by John F. Kippley and Sheila K. Kippley, Fourth Edition, p. 236, Couple to Couple League, Inc., 1996.
  4. “Abusing NFP” by Kathleen van Schaijik, The University Concourse, vol. VII, issue 1, April 20, 2002.
  5. “Divine Providence,” The Catholic Encyclopedia, Classic 1914 Edition CD by New Advent, copyright 2003.
  6. “Substituting the Exception for the Rule,” by Peter W. Miller
 
Lots of books on this list - I just began reading “The Seven Levels of Intamacy” by Matthew Kelly and all I can say is READ IT!
 
Love_2B_an_EM:
One last thing, I was on a retreat was talking with a man who is a divorce lawyer. He did an informal survey and the number one thing that he found in common with lasting marriages is that they never consider divorce as an option, it never enters their mind.
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Exactly. My husband and I went into this marriage with the understanding that what happens will be worked out, divorce is not an option. Our marriage feels very strong and secure because we have removed the idea of leaving each other from consideration. (Of course neither of us is abusive; if one finds him or herself with an abusive spouse, there are other considerations.)

Cadence, you mentioned that your fiance is concerned about finances. Let him handle them once you are married, if he is better suited for it. My DH and I actually split the finances: I handle the day-to-day stuff like checkbook and monthly bills, and he handles the major stuff like mortgages, auto loans, and insurance. It works for us.

As for the family issues, someone else posted that perhaps his mother might be willing to move. If not, would the two of you be able to budget for a few trips a year to visit your family? Are there advantages to living in one country over the other (aside from family) such as cost of living, employment opportunities, etc? These are all things to take into consideration as well. This doesn’t sound like a deal-breaker to me, IMO a family-related deal breaker would be if, say, my fiance’s parents were dismissive or abusive to me and ridiculed our relationship, and my fiance did nothing to address it.
 
I think that by reading a number of posts on various websites of people who are dissatisfied with marriage the #1 thing is character and integrity of their spouse. Character and integrity are not extras, they are the core of who the person is.

So many women marry men who are living single in a married life or who just lack character: going out with friends all the time on “guys nights”, not helping around the house, not parenting their own children, playing hours of video games, drinking/porn, not going to church, etc.

These men lack character-- there is no way to “fix” them.
 
Love_2B_an_EM:
One last thing, I was on a retreat was talking with a man who is a divorce lawyer. He did an informal survey and the number one thing that he found in common with lasting marriages is that they never consider divorce as an option, it never enters their mind.
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Hehe, this reminds me of a couple that was featured in a local newspaper for Valentine’s. They had been married for 65 years and when asked whether they had ever contemplated divorce the wife answered (jokingly): “Murder yes, divorce no”
 
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beckyann2597:
I was speaking with my dad’s new wife, and I siad something like, My husband and I will never get divorced, when the topic of a friends ugly divorce was brought up. She got a little defensive and siad, “nobody ever plans on getting a divorce”. That might be true, but I can’t help but think they felt it was atleast an option in the back of their heads.

They are protestant, so the idea of divorce and remarriage is widely accepted. I think for faithful catholics, it is a much bigger deal.
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Ok being a former protestant ( Lutheran) this is not even close to fact, I relize there are many variations of Lutherans but my former faith did not believe in divorce, nor ABC.
and now being engaged and trying to find a church to be married in most denominational churches require an anullment paper.
not just the civil divorce papers,
so kind of blows that accusation out of the water as well.
just because they do not believe exactly as Catholics do do not make them pro ABC or pro divorce.
and statistically Catholics still get divorced as often as Non catholics do, thats why the church is using the pre cana classes and foccus tests and other classes to reduce this divorce trend.

sorry to post this i just get tired of seeing the excuse its cause they are not Catholic, when it has no factual basis on this particular issue.

our society in general is the problem, we are spoiled, and want everything easy.when something gets a lil rough many of us cut and run instead of trying harder…thats more the issue not religion
Most 3rd world countries see little divorce thats because they have had to work all thier lives to get what they have,including thier next meal,nothing is easy for them they are used to fighting for something…
also in my statement relize I am not accusing any 1 or 2 people.
it always takes two to tango so to speak.
Code: 
                                  God Bless     
                                         John

                     God Bless
                           John
 
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1ke:
I think that by reading a number of posts on various websites of people who are dissatisfied with marriage the #1 thing is character and integrity of their spouse. Character and integrity are not extras, they are the core of who the person is.

So many women marry men who are living single in a married life or who just lack character: going out with friends all the time on “guys nights”, not helping around the house, not parenting their own children, playing hours of video games, drinking/porn, not going to church, etc.

These men lack character-- there is no way to “fix” them.
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Agreed

its to easy being selfish and irresponsible,they seem to forget when they get married they become one not two as in a tax deduction.But also lets be fair a lot of men marry women whom are just as bad, I know 5 times the amount of women whom are "cheating on thier husbands than i do men whom are doing the same thing, granted I have more moms bringing thier kids to my karate classes, so all in all I assume its a 50 50 split.

lets not place all the blames on the men.I admit men tend to be more selfish in other areas.most of which you mentioned above.
John
 
John, please don’t be so defensive. I wasn’t accusing all protestants of anything. My only experience with protestants has been that divorce was heartbreaking, of course, but did not carry the same religious stigma as it does in the Catholic faith that I was taught. My dad is also a self proclaimed Lutheran and his beliefs are very different than yours were as a Lutheran. My dad’s wife is a Presbyterian Deacon (sp?) and neither of them saw a problem with divorce.

Again, I am speaking from my own limited experience of protestant view on divorce. No offense intended.

–Rebecca
 
To me, family is a huge consideration. Can he ‘leave and cleave’ emotionally as well as physically? If his family speaks against you, is he going to tell you to get along or tell them to be nice? Is he going to insist that they treat you with respect? Will he put you first?

I’m married to someone from another country, and it has led to some problems, although it didn’t have to. But it is difficult to leave your family and country, and adds one more layer of difficulty to the equation. PT me if you would like to talk about that issue.
 
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Seatuck:
Go on an Engaged Encounter.

engagedencounter.org/
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Have you ever been on one of these?

I did the Churches “forced” class this past Saturday,we have another yet to go, but so far we have learned how important it is ( 2 hour discussion) to put a TP roll on properly and how to put socks away.
its not the cure all the church makes it out to be,its basically geared towards a 2nd grader taught that way as well, just waited for the couple teaching this class to say goochie goochie goo to us.
YES IT WAS THAT REDICULOUS.

Now on the protestant beliefs, I believe a lot of what is perceived comes from the bible,
I have 4 different bibles myself and to take one example that I know of right off my head is Mathew 19 -9
3 of the bibles i have say
" And I say unto you,Whosoever shall put away his wife,except it be for fornication, and shall marry another,committeth adultery.
and whosoever marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery"
now some wording is different as to more modern english is all
within these three bibles However they still say the same things.
now the Catholic bible states
“I say to you, Whoever divorces his wife (unless the marriage is unlawful)and marries another commits adultery”

so in that regards it would be easy to see why one religion would allow certain divorces.

also I am sorry if i seemed overly defensive,I guess its my nature in many ways to get defensive over some things,
I am converting to Catholic But its not because i feel i was headed to hell being a Lutheran,I feel each gives me the same chance to make it to heaven.

My finace is Catholic and her church is the only one I have really gone to since being with her, I wouldnt attend church without her,
so why not join and support the Church i will be attending,I have been told many times I am wrong because I can see “both sides” and was even told by one person that I am supposed to hate the other churches, The way I feel I am not supposed to hate anyone

To OP:

I was married once before for over 18 yrs, most of that time i stayed for my Kids, One thing i cant stress enough is communication, Nothing is off limits to discuss either NOTHING.
putting something off limits is where the problems will start.
remember a true marriage is not about two people its about being ONE.I personally feel that 75% of problems in a marriage come from communication problems,everything else makes up the 25%
took me 19 yrs to figure that out as well.

also took me 39 years to find my Best friend, soul mate,and true love,and I had a very obvious helping hand from God in that,as all the odds of my fiance and me meeting were at best impossible.
but i wont bore anyone with that.Ill just say it made me a true believer in God when i was on a very bad road…

COMMUNICATION sorry cant stress this enough
Code: 
God Bless you 
             John
 
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johntkd:
Have you ever been on one of these?

I did the Churches “forced” class this past Saturday,we have another yet to go, but so far we have learned how important it is ( 2 hour discussion) to put a TP roll on properly and how to put socks away.
its not the cure all the church makes it out to be,its basically geared towards a 2nd grader taught that way as well, just waited for the couple teaching this class to say goochie goochie goo to us.
YES IT WAS THAT REDICULOUS.
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It must depend on the diocese and the instructors. The program we chose (we had a choice of several) was terrific. Two evening sessions, three modules each evening, taught by a campus ministry director at his college. The modules were on things like raising children, dealing with in-laws, finances, religion, attitudes toward sex, etc (can’t remember the last module). He gave a brief talk on each, listed some potential sticky points that couples may encounter, and gave humorous examples from his own marriage. Then we broke off to discuss the topics as a couple. We both got a lot out of it, and talked about things like finances, which we hadn’t done. I wish more couples went to such a program- so many couples throw in the towel after only a year or two of marriage because they didn’t discuss these things.

Now the mandated NFP overview…that was another story. The couple teaching it meant well, but I think they were probably of the same ilk as the couple teaching your classes. That was two hours of my life that are completely gone.
 
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SeekerJen:
It must depend on the diocese and the instructors. The program we chose (we had a choice of several) was terrific. Two evening sessions, three modules each evening, taught by a campus ministry director at his college. The modules were on things like raising children, dealing with in-laws, finances, religion, attitudes toward sex, etc (can’t remember the last module). He gave a brief talk on each, listed some potential sticky points that couples may encounter, and gave humorous examples from his own marriage. Then we broke off to discuss the topics as a couple. We both got a lot out of it, and talked about things like finances, which we hadn’t done. I wish more couples went to such a program- so many couples throw in the towel after only a year or two of marriage because they didn’t discuss these things.

Now the mandated NFP overview…that was another story. The couple teaching it meant well, but I think they were probably of the same ilk as the couple teaching your classes. That was two hours of my life that are completely gone.
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well we were at this class all day and i can say it was the worst day I have ever spent in my whole life, I have gone thru a divorce and would rather do that 10 times over than do another class like this, it took all the will power i had and then some to not go up and politely pound these people into the ground the way they talked to us.and whats worse is I have to do yet one more day with these people, thank God its a month away or I would never be able to recover my patience.

oh well,at least I know what hell is like now…

John
 
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