Impossible situation

  • Thread starter Thread starter mommy_k
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

mommy_k

Guest
There is a situation in the extended family that is just not right.
My mother who is and has been an extremely difficult person her entire life has changed her will to support my sister who is divorced for 25 years, never worked, and living with her.

Mom changed the will after my dad passed. Mom has enabled my sister to be dependant.
The entire extended family has abandoned my mom becuase of her forceful and toxic personality. Now she is alone with my sister, and sis is not caring for her. Out of Christian charity, and because she is my mom, I converse with her on the phone as she lives an hour away. All she does is complain, look for pity and so on. When I don’t call for a week or so, she will pick up the phone and call people who know me, saying I am a horrible daughter—she has called my MIL, the pastor, friends and so on. She has told them ‘what kind of a daughter only calls their mother once a week’?
Can you imagine your MIL calling to ask why you don’t call your mother–or facing your pastor? She makes it so dramatic-- Ugh.

She collects rent, has a comfortable income from dad’s retirement. She has made my adult nephew (my sister’s son) the executor.
She has never given our children anything-zero. She has rarely attended any occasion for them.
The problem is she needs full time care-sis is useless. Nephew will not step in.
I am still getting over the toxic and abusive childhood due to her, and she keeps piling it on. If I call adult services, sis’s money (inheritatnce) will be eaten up, as mom is frugal, and states she cannot afford nursing home). The reality is -sis needs the money, and a place to live. She refuses in home care.she will not open the door.
Mom is late 80’s with limited mobility, and needs help. Her parents lived until they were 100. So if she goes to a nursing home even for 10 years, money will go.

She has tied my hands-leaving me with a moral dilemma. I feel that this is not right. I feel God is somehow testing me with this, because it is so difficult. If I was not Catholic, it would not be a problem. It is not the inheritance, that is just part of it. I know St. Francis and many saints gave up everything. But I don’t want to interfere with sis’ living arrangements as she really can’t take care of herself financially, and her son is in a relationship and living with his girlfriend. He is not going to take in his mother. Ugh…
 
Thank you Monicad-i don’t know if I should leave well enough alone or call for services for my mom-- I cannot entagle myself more, argue why this is the right thing with nephew. I become extremely stressed out as mom keeps piling on difficulty.

I would have seperated myself from her along time ago and should have. But I could not do it. She keeps dishing out guilt, condemnation, excuses and so on. Many relatives warned her to let sis become independant. But she did not listen the relatives have all stayed away…

And now, after insult after insult, she needs help from me. I am so stuck. The last time I talked to her she told me I was always me a stuck up, cold b*** – becuase I wanted her to live in a nursing home, and how can I do that to my sister?

She will not open her door for a nurse-I tried that.
 
You reap what you sow.

Do what is best for your mother. If all is stable, let it be. There will be an event where she ends up in the hospital or a nursing home. Sometimes you just have to wait for that. As for your sister? I don’t know.
 
I would not only leave well enough alone, but I would also stop talking to her at all. There is no virtue in being constantly tormented by someone with control issues. And, yes, she might complain about you behind your back, but when confronted with this you can simply say that the two of you do not get along. There is no reasonable reason for her to continue to dominate. You are just feeding her power. I feel really badly about your situation though. I wish I could help in some way.😦
 
If your mom’s care is being neglected, and she is unable to perform basic activities (personal hygiene, getting herself around, etc.), I would probably get involved. When you say “she needs help from me”, what does that mean? If she cannot function on a basic level and needs more care than your sister can or is willing to provide, I would make a call.

If she is generally okay but you are more worried about the future, I would just leave things be. And I would leave any consideration of money out of it- if she has money, and needs care, it might end up being spent. Your sister will need to figure things out on her own, as your mother’s needs are more immediate.
 
mommy_k said:
There is a situation in the extended family that is just not right.
My mother who is and has been an extremely difficult person her entire life has changed her will to support my sister who is divorced for 25 years, never worked, and living with her.

Mom changed the will after my dad passed. Mom has enabled my sister to be dependant.
The entire extended family has abandoned my mom becuase of her forceful and toxic personality. Now she is alone with my sister, and sis is not caring for her. Out of Christian charity, and because she is my mom, I converse with her on the phone as she lives an hour away. All she does is complain, look for pity and so on. When I don’t call for a week or so, she will pick up the phone and call people who know me, saying I am a horrible daughter—she has called my MIL, the pastor, friends and so on. She has told them ‘what kind of a daughter only calls their mother once a week’?
Can you imagine your MIL calling to ask why you don’t call your mother–or facing your pastor? She makes it so dramatic-- Ugh.

She collects rent, has a comfortable income from dad’s retirement. She has made my adult nephew (my sister’s son) the executor.
She has never given our children anything-zero. She has rarely attended any occasion for them.
The problem is she needs full time care-sis is useless. Nephew will not step in.
I am still getting over the toxic and abusive childhood due to her, and she keeps piling it on. If I call adult services, sis’s money (inheritatnce) will be eaten up, as mom is frugal, and states she cannot afford nursing home). The reality is -sis needs the money, and a place to live. She refuses in home care.she will not open the door.
Mom is late 80’s with limited mobility, and needs help. Her parents lived until they were 100. So if she goes to a nursing home even for 10 years, money will go.

She has tied my hands-leaving me with a moral dilemma. I feel that this is not right. I feel God is somehow testing me with this, because it is so difficult. If I was not Catholic, it would not be a problem. It is not the inheritance, that is just part of it. I know St. Francis and many saints gave up everything. But I don’t want to interfere with sis’ living arrangements as she really can’t take care of herself financially, and her son is in a relationship and living with his girlfriend. He is not going to take in his mother. Ugh…
Click to expand...
No matter what, it’s going to be a difficult situation, but please don’t think of it as “sis’s money.” Nothing counts as “sis’s money” until your mom goes to her eternal reward.

Also, a 10-year nursing home stay is very unlikely.

"the median length of stay in a nursing home before death was 5 months

“the average length of stay was longer at 14 months due to a small number of study participants who had very long lengths of stay”

geripal.org/2010/08/length-of-stay-in-nursing-homes-at-end.html

The health situation you describe is unlikely to go on for another 10 years–I bet your relatives that lived to 100 were in much better health at 90 than your mom.

Perhaps you should consult a lawyer or social worker specializing in this sort of thing?

In a worst case scenario, you can call for a welfare check or adult protective services.

thelawdictionary.org/article/what-is-a-police-welfare-check/

dfps.state.tx.us/Adult_Protection/

By the way, nobody but your mom is going to freak out if you call your mom only once a week. It sounds crazy to complain to people about that. I guarantee you, 75% of the people she says that to are thinking to themselves, “I bet there’s a reason for that.”

Your mom is sicker than your sister, so I think her immediate welfare does take precedence in this situation.

Best wishes!
 
If you are worried about your mom’s health or safety and you think your sister can’t take proper care of her then it is your duty to call adult services. They’ll do an assessment to see if she needs to go into nursing care or simply at home care. *It is not your responsibility to make sure your sister has money! *So don’t worry about it being used up for your mother’s care – that’s what it’s for.
 
Also, a person like your sister is unlikely to benefit from any sum of money. Have you ever in your life seen a dysfunctional person benefit from getting a large lump sum of money?

So, spending down mom’s money is, if anything, a plus.
 
I like to remember that I have no control over anyone but myself.

You can’t change your mother. You can’t change her inheritance. You can’t change her attitude. You can’t control who she calls to complain about you.

But you don’t have to give her the power to let that influence you.

If I were in your situation, I would treat my mother just as if she were any other friend that was doing the same thing.

I might call and listen to her complaints. I may sympathize a bit. I would limit my calls to a predetermined amount of time and have an excuse to have to go.

And should my MIL or pastor call about it, I would chuckle and say something like .“Yes, I guess I’m a terrible daughter, and she can be a bit of a drama queen. But thanks for reminding me that I should call her.”

My guess is that they already know that your mother can be difficult. You don’t have to remind them of that. My guess is that they already sympathize with you.

If you feel that your mother is unsafe, then you do need to figure out what will best help her. But if it is just a situation that you don’t like, you need to back away from it and be happy that you aren’t closer.
 
Thank you all for your replies and links.

I don’t know for sure how bad off she is on a daily basis. From what I have gathered, she watches tv all day, and orders take out for meals. The last time I was there, the house like strong urine as she is incontinent. Then she had her money kept in grocery bags. She has to crawl down stairs because she has limited mobility. She complainns about how my sis does nothing, no cooking cleaning anything. I believe it from what I saw. No food in the fridge, house a horrible mess.
She has also had multiple heart attacks.

When I call for a nurse or home care she will not open the door, When I called for maid service, she did not open the door. When takeout comes, she instructs them to call the house when they get there-or she does not open. Same when I go.I told her that the cost of takeout is more then a nurse would be, but she does not want strangers in the house. When I tell my nephew, he says–you know how she is…

At one point I called my nephew to check on her and suggested that perhaps we should consult a lawyer. He told her-and she immediately had her lawyer go to her house and changed her will. My nephew is youngish, so he doesn’t realize perhaps she needs more help.

Then I asked her how can she do this and elimnate me from everything, she says that I should get down on my hands and knees and thank God that I have a husband , a nice house, and children. I thinlk this is pretty normal for a woman-but I am thankful-- but she makes it seem like this was an impossibility for me…And then she throws a curse-such as I hope just ONE of your children turns out like you…but she has been saying this sin
ce - was about 5 years old. So I thank her…and then I am a cold you- know-what for not getting mad.

Then I take a break from calling her, and she starts with the phone calls. She even called the town police–and said she thought I was dead, please check on me.

So I want to do the right thing in God’s eyes for my extended family while being at peace here for my husband and children.

Obviously, my mom is not typical, but deserves a clean house, care, and it is breaking my heart to see her living like this.
 
mommy_k said:
…

Obviously, my mom is not typical, but deserves a clean house, care, and it is breaking my heart to see her living like this.
Click to expand...
Her choices. Choices have consequences.

Always amazing to me how desperate we as human beings are for parental approval that people will go to extraordinary lengths in their later years for human being who abused and tormented them. From the way you tell it, she’s lucky you’ve stayed in contact at all.

You’ve gotten good advice here and as others said-- you need to realize a few things.
  • What it is within your power to do
  • What power authority your mother has to control her own situation
  • What exactly is it your mother expects you to do to ‘help’ her, when she’s refusing the help you can actually provide- like arranging nursing care, housecleaner visits etc? Does she just really want someone to complain to, someone to listen to her?
  • How much of this can you take without negatively impacting your relationship with your own husband and kids?
  • What lengths are you willing to go to in order to change the above? Are you willing to hire a lawyer, pay him, to try and get your mother declared incompetent so you can in fact force her into accepting in home nursing visits etc?
Pray over those-- if you mother isn’t mentally incompetent and is choosing to live this way. She’s an adult, entitled to make her choices and accept/deal with the consequences.
 
Your mother calls and complains that your sister does nothing? That is your mother’s problem.

Your mother is in control of her situation: she allows your sister to live there; she has left your sister her money; she will not allow anyone in the house to help her. These are all her decisions; the consequences are her problem.

Your sister is in control of her situation: If she looked out for your mother the way she ought to, then maybe your mother would not have to go into a a nursing home which will eat up your sister’s inheritance. Again, these are your sister’s decisions; the consequences are her problem.

You might, when your mother complains about your sister’s doing nothing, suggest home help. Do that consistently, and your mother might either make some changes or stop complaining to you about it. In the meantime, you will have done all you can do.

Also, I read about a psych experiment in which a classroom of students perked up and paid a lot of attention when a professor was on one side of a room, but looked bored when he was on the other side. Within a few weeks, the prof was practically in the corner lecturing.

Mute your responses to her complaining, engage actively when she’s not; that might help your conversations.
 
Your mother calls and complains that your sister does nothing? That is your mother’s problem.

Your mother is in control of her situation: she allows your sister to live there; she has left your sister her money; she will not allow anyone in the house to help her. These are all her decisions; the consequences are her problem.

Your sister is in control of her situation: If she looked out for your mother the way she ought to, then maybe your mother would not have to go into a a nursing home which will eat up your sister’s inheritance. Again, these are your sister’s decisions; the consequences are her problem.

You might, when your mother complains about your sister’s doing nothing, suggest home help. Do that consistently, and your mother might either make some changes or stop complaining to you about it. In the meantime, you will have done all you can do.

Also, I read about a psych experiment in which a classroom of students perked up and paid a lot of attention when a professor was on one side of a room, but looked bored when he was on the other side. Within a few weeks, the prof was practically in the corner lecturing.

Mute your responses to her complaining, engage actively when she’s not; that might help your conversations.
 
OP, your mother is toxic and manipulative. She has the financial resources to take care of herself. She has chosen who she wants living with her. She has made it extremely clear that she doesn’t want your help, nor does she intend to give anything to you. Your nephew is young, but he’s the guy she chose. (Having said that, however, an executor of a will does not have power of attorney. He really has no legal capacity with her until she dies.)

Tell you nephew to call you if he needs your support or advice. Otherwise, you’re doing fine as far as social contact and more than many would do. Whatever you do, though, give up on trying to intervene on her behalf and resign yourself to the obvious fact that you cannot possibly please her–do not toss your pearls before swine. Maybe there will be something financial left for your sister to inherit when this is all over, maybe there won’t, but it is out of your hands. Although I don’t think you ought to be thankful for the reasons your mother probably does, you are in the least awful circumstances of anyone in your story, and made an escape from a toxic upbringing that truly is rare. It is highly ironic for your mother to tell you to be thankful, since that is like an arsonist telling you to thank the fire department that so little of your home was damaged in the fire that the arsonist set! Still, you’re going to have to bite your tongue and refrain from saying, “Mom, hearing you telling me to be thankful for the life I have is like hearing an arsonist tell me to thank God for the fire department.” She WILL go ballistic at that one!! :eek:
 
St_Francis said:
Your mother calls and complains that your sister does nothing? That is your mother’s problem.

Your mother is in control of her situation: she allows your sister to live there; she has left your sister her money; she will not allow anyone in the house to help her. These are all her decisions; the consequences are her problem.

Your sister is in control of her situation: If she looked out for your mother the way she ought to, then maybe your mother would not have to go into a a nursing home which will eat up your sister’s inheritance. Again, these are your sister’s decisions; the consequences are her problem.

You might, when your mother complains about your sister’s doing nothing, suggest home help. Do that consistently, and your mother might either make some changes or stop complaining to you about it. In the meantime, you will have done all you can do.
Click to expand...
Yes.
 
Thanks again-

Yes, St. Francis and Xantippe-my husband has this line of thinking too. She has completely aliented the entire family, with the way she treats people. I am the last person outside my sister and nephew who talks to her.

Easter joy-your anaolgy is so funny-- if it was not so sadly true. She is telling me to be thankful to make me feel sorry for my sis, who is divorced, and to justify her own decisions–this I know. But sis had 25 years to pull herself together-but did not.

She has verbally wished evil on me many times, when I don’t do what she asks- and then says she was just angry.

So yes, she has control issues.

If any of you can offer a prayer, that would be appreciated too. I will be praying for peace and direction.
 
mommy_k said:
Thanks again-

Yes, St. Francis and Xantippe-my husband has this line of thinking too. She has completely aliented the entire family, with the way she treats people. I am the last person outside my sister and nephew who talks to her.

Easter joy-your anaolgy is so funny-- if it was not so sadly true. She is telling me to be thankful to make me feel sorry for my sis, who is divorced, and to justify her own decisions–this I know. But sis had 25 years to pull herself together-but did not.

She has verbally wished evil on me many times, when I don’t do what she asks- and then says she was just angry.

So yes, she has control issues.

If any of you can offer a prayer, that would be appreciated too. I will be praying for peace and direction.
Click to expand...
You do deserve prayers, as does your sister and, really, your mother, no matter what part willfulness and what part mental illness play in their sad plight.

The thing to realize is that it requires no condemnation or judgment of them on your part to realize that you can’t help. Let us say that my house is burning down, and all you have is a bucket and a splash pool. There comes a time when you realize that you need to get away from that blaze and hope that the fire department will come. If I wave off the fire department, then unfortunately you, your bucket, and your splash pool of water will still be just as impotent to help me.

I’d suggest a book titled “Co-Dependent No More.” I’ve found that some of the literature aimed at the loved ones of addicts and alcoholics gives some of the most useful strategies for any time that we can say, “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it.” You are in one of those situations. Your loved one does not have to be an addict and does not have to be doing anything wrong, even, in order for you to be in that position.
 
First, my prayers go out to you. We were once in this exact situation, and it took years of therapy and spiritual council to help us come to correct decision. This involved my MIL who, much like you have described, became ever more toxic after my FIL passed away. Her youngest son was co-dependent on her and was also her executor and power of attorney.

The first thing our therapist asked us was whether we were looking for an inheritance. Our answer was a resounding no. Saying that aloud was very freeing. Like your mom, my MIL did nothing for my special needs son. He was, more or less, the throw-away grandchild (and her only one, sad to say). Several priests that we spoke to also assured us that we tried our Christian best to comfort MIL but, like in Sunday’s gospel, we were not to stay around places where we were not welcomed. God did not intend for us to be whipping boards for a toxic person. We were to pray for her from afar.

It is obvious you have tried your best to get through to your mom. It seems also true that others have failed to get through to your mom. It is unfortunate that your sister is intertwined in this, but how can you be certain she would even be a good steward of any inheritance she receives?

As we did, I would cease any verbal communication and write letters only. That way, your words cannot be twisted on you. If need be, send an exact copy with perhaps a personal note to those relatives that have some involvement.

Finally, I assure you that those close to you know your mother is probably troubled beyond what you can do to help her. At this point, concentrate on keeping your family healthy and drama-free. Drama can be horribly exhausting. It is a marvel how wonderful life can be when drama is no longer present.

Please feel free to PM me or look up some of my posts under my old username: 90Domer

I have many posts where I asked for similar advice to yours.

God bless.
 
People sometimes have undiagnosed mental health issues that worsen when they age. Does your Mom have a Health Care Proxy (someone who is elected to make her healthcare decisions when she is no longer competent)?

If you think your Mom is “at risk” then someone should step in and help her. If your sister is “assigned” to this role, even unofficially, and is not capable of ensuring your Mom’s basic needs ex. bathing, nutrition, healthcare needs, clean house, etc, then I would say that she is “negligent” and the situation should be reported to elder services. My 2 cents. I don’t know if you can make your call to elder services anonymously or not. You’d have to ask them.

It is difficult to get people to do the right thing when they have poor judgement or insight. Even if you were to call 911 to get them to the hospital, they can still refuse to go with the paramedics. It is a tough situation but don’t just neglect your mother if you feel she is in a bad situation. We’re supposed to show mercy, which means treating people well even when they don’t deserve it. It seems that she will be mad at you either way, whether you help out or not. I’m sorry for your trouble. Prayers offered.
 
polki said:
People sometimes have undiagnosed mental health issues that worsen when they age. Does your Mom have a Health Care Proxy (someone who is elected to make her healthcare decisions when she is no longer competent)?

If you think your Mom is “at risk” then someone should step in and help her. If your sister is “assigned” to this role, even unofficially, and is not capable of ensuring your Mom’s basic needs ex. bathing, nutrition, healthcare needs, clean house, etc, then I would say that she is “negligent” and the situation should be reported to elder services. My 2 cents. I don’t know if you can make your call to elder services anonymously or not. You’d have to ask them.

It is difficult to get people to do the right thing when they have poor judgement or insight. Even if you were to call 911 to get them to the hospital, they can still refuse to go with the paramedics. It is a tough situation but don’t just neglect your mother if you feel she is in a bad situation. We’re supposed to show mercy, which means treating people well even when they don’t deserve it. It seems that she will be mad at you either way, whether you help out or not. I’m sorry for your trouble. Prayers offered.
Click to expand...
In my humble opinion and experience, it may be difficult for the OP to discern truth from fantasy. Sadly, many toxic people use passive-aggressive tactics to get you entangled and pull you closer to them. I remember someone on this forum told me to look up “toxic personality disorder.” My jaw dropped!

Also, due to HIPPA, the OP may have her hands tied as far as being able to talk to her mom’s healthcare providers. Once again, I think keeping a safe distance and trying to heal herself is the best medicine right now…and lots of prayers for the OP!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top