Impurity addiction and Mass question

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I am a married man, 34 and have 5 kids 10 and under. I have a sexual addiction (masturbation). My wife knows about this and because of it she doesn’t leave me home alone by myself. My problem is: we usually go to Mass together as a family on the Saturday vigil Mass. Today only I will be going and I will take my 2 oldest kids (10 and 8). My wife will be staying home taking care of our 3 youngest children who have the flu. So I guess my question is - Is she committing a mortal sin by not going to Mass by herself tomorrow, since she can’t leave me alone because of my addiction? I know this is a sensitive question and some of you are probably revolted because of the situation I have put my family into. It is a serious question I would like to have an orthodox answer to. Thank you ahead of time. God bless.
 
Taking care of the sick kids instead of not going to mass is not a sin. Im not sure what that has to do with your masturbation addiction. Is she really afraid you’ll be masturbating (and looking at porn?) while taking care of five children for less than an hour?
Regardless, Its not a sin.
 
Shameless said:
I am a married man, 34 and have 5 kids 10 and under. I have a sexual addiction (masturbation). My wife knows about this and because of it she doesn’t leave me home alone by myself. My problem is: we usually go to Mass together as a family on the Saturday vigil Mass. Today only I will be going and I will take my 2 oldest kids (10 and 8). My wife will be staying home taking care of our 3 youngest children who have the flu. So I guess my question is - Is she committing a mortal sin by not going to Mass by herself tomorrow, since she can’t leave me alone because of my addiction? I know this is a sensitive question and some of you are probably revolted because of the situation I have put my family into. It is a serious question I would like to have an orthodox answer to. Thank you ahead of time. God bless.
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You should be commended for the concern you have for your wife and opening yourself up (even if it is only online, it can feel very personal) to comdenation from people here.

No. It is not a sin to stay home and care for sick children. Especially, since, IF your addiction is so great, that you may be tempted to indulge yourself even with sick children in the house, neglecting your children while you do so. She needs to stay home and care for them since neither of you can be sure that you will.

Rest easy that she will not be committing a sin in doing so, and adding to your burden of guilt over your addiction.

God Bless,
Maria
 
Oh, and one other thing…
I would be much more worried about the masturbation addiction and finding ways to solve that and much less time worrying about missing mass to take care of the sick children.
Sorry if that sounds cold, its difficult to to convey tone in writing.
 
Please know that I’m not accusing you of anything, but does your wife consider your problem a danger to your kids? While masturbation is a grave offense, I’m not sure your wife should miss mass over it. You don’t entertain this addiction in front of your kids do you? Is it her fear of leaving you alone with the kids driving her wanting to stay home, or are you using her as a crutch to keep you from sinning? If it’s the latter, then I think you’re being a little less giving to her.

If she is staying home to protect her kids, then missing mass would not be a mortal sin. Otherwise, she needs to search her conscience.

If you haven’t already, seek counseling for your problem, and pray, pray, and pray some more. This problem can be controlled.
 
if there is a danger you would be neglecting your sick children for an hour in order to indulge in any passtime–painting the garage, golfing, playing video games–let alone going off by yourself to indulge in some immoral actions, you have a lot bigger problems in your family life. get help. If whatever it is you do is a threat to your kids, so that you cannot safely be left alone with them, we have gone way past counselling to intervention.
 
I am on several support groups on-line for this addiction. I was getting counseling but could no longer afford it (my insurance through work didn’t cover it). And no I don’t do this in front of my kids or with them - I’m suprised anyone would bring that up. My question was about my wife missing Mass because of my situation. She has left before to go shopping or whatever only to come home to have me tell her that I did that. That is why she no longer leaves me alone at home.

So I have several answers some yes and some no. I’m not sure who is accurate.
 
I weigh in on the it would be a sin on her part to miss mass on Sunday because she doesn’t want you to be alone because she believes (with good reason) you will not get through that one hour without masturbating.

a) certainly you have neighbors with which you get along…can’t you or your wife arrange to have someone visit with you during that hour she is at mass? Have you no relatives or friends nearby on whom you can call to come visit? You don’t need to tell them why, but you should be able to find some person, even from church, perhaps, to come sit with you for that hour. You can always play the “I’m a dad at home with three sick little ones while my wife is away, I’m not confident I can meet do this alone.” card.

b) Masturbation is your addiction. Your struggle. She should not jeopardize her soul on your behalf, and you, as the loving husband should not allow her to.

You should be able to resolve not to masturbate while she is away this one time, somehow, some way Again, call to have someone visit with you or employ some other tactic you’ve learned about. Heck, commit yourself to praying all five mysteries of the rosary if need be. Sit yourself down in front of images of the blessed Virgin and the Sacred Heart of Jesus for that hour, do so in the bedroom of the sick children so that you are never out of their sight since you are not inclined to masturbate in their presence. Surely there is something you two can figure out to eliminate the risk to you to fall for one hour while she receives the grace she’s going to need to keep up with this arrangement you two have made. She needs to receive Jesus in the Eucharist more than she needs to be by your side to keep you from falling.

If you somehow fail to abstain then that’s on you, not her - and you will need to go to reconciliation as soon as you can. But if she willingly misses mass for your addiction she will need to go to confession as soon as she’s able.
 
Shameless said:
I am on several support groups on-line for this addiction. I was getting counseling but could no longer afford it (my insurance through work didn’t cover it). And no I don’t do this in front of my kids or with them - I’m suprised anyone would bring that up. My question was about my wife missing Mass because of my situation. She has left before to go shopping or whatever only to come home to have me tell her that I did that. That is why she no longer leaves me alone at home.

So I have several answers some yes and some no. I’m not sure who is accurate.
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It seemed odd that your wife was afraid of leaving you home alone with the kids because of this problem. It’s also a little out of the ordinary that you would confess this sin to her. Clearly there’s more to the story and I would hazard a guess that it involves something like Internet porn, chat rooms, etc. You have violated her trust in a way that causes her not to trust you home alone. The details are unimportant for this forum, but I would work on finding a way to demonstrate that she can trust you. Missing mass because one doesn’t trust one’s spouse is giving Christ the back seat in the relationship.

Also, does your city have a Catholic Charities office. They may be able to find you counseling at a lower cost. Your parish priest will talk with you for free, too.
 
StCsDavid said:
It seemed odd that your wife was afraid of leaving you home alone with the kids because of this problem. It’s also a little out of the ordinary that you would confess this sin to her. Clearly there’s more to the story and I would hazard a guess that it involves something like Internet porn, chat rooms, etc. You have violated her trust in a way that causes her not to trust you home alone. The details are unimportant for this forum, but I would work on finding a way to demonstrate that she can trust you. Missing mass because one doesn’t trust one’s spouse is giving Christ the back seat in the relationship.

Also, does your city have a Catholic Charities office. They may be able to find you counseling at a lower cost. Your parish priest will talk with you for free, too.
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This is not about missing Mass because she can’t trust him. Well it is. But it is more than just babysitting her husband.

It is about how sick her children are and whether or not she can trust her husband to care for them while she is gone for an hour. 3 young children with the flu can turn deadly very quickly.

If he can not be trusted, (or trust himself) to overcome this for one hour to care for his children, his wife needs to stay home and watch the children.

And since it appears his children would not recieve proper care if left alone with him, it would not be a sin for the wife to stay home and take care of the children.

Basically it appears as if the wife has a choice. Would she leave 3 young children, with 2 well children the oldest being 10, home alone? NO. If husband cannot be trusted to watch the children, then she is choosing to leave 5 children home “alone”, 3 who are very young and sick with the flu. And THAT would be gravely negligent.
 
The problem is not about your wife’s fears concerning your behavior if she leaves but your inability to control yourself for one hour. I also believe that it is more than just masturbation, as that can be done in the bathroom with the door closed in two minutes with your wife thinking that you’re using the bathroom. Most men struggle with this but not to this extent. There has to be some time where your wife can’t be with you.

This is no different than you’re being a totally dependant disability. You need to get professional help until you get this under control. You are putting a great strain on your marriage whether she expresses it or not. It’s your addiction that is causing your wife to fear leaving for Mass so she has no sin. Depending on the compulsion you may also have no mortal sin at this point BUT counseling with a priest is a MUST!

Pornography addiction can be eliminated. Masturbation, in and of itself, is always going to be a struggle but you can control that also. Seek counseling.

Your concern should not be your wife missing Mass this Sunday but your future within a marriage that is veiled with insecurities for your wife. I hope that none of this came off sounding harsh but please for your sake, your wife’s sake and most of all your children’s sake get help. May God bless you always and you will be in my prayers today. I’m leaving for Mass in an hour and you will be my intention.
 
Shameless:
and some of you are probably revolted
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Right lets get one thing clear, you do not appear to be ab or sub-normal ok.

Masterbation can be attributable to a number of factors including depression, an unwilling spouse, difficulty finding time to have sexual intercourse.

Whatever the reason, please stop beating yourself up over it. That is not what God wants.

I think it is better to masturbate then be a very kind person to others than to be scrupulously moral and never think of other people. I am sure I know which God prefers.

So, please do your self and your wife a favour and stop being unkind to your self. Give yourself time, look at other areas of your life which may be putting pressure on you to feel the need to masturbate, then tackle them.

If you do not succeed, then all you have to do is kneel down after you have masturbated, confess to God what you have done [don’t use too many words as He knows what you are going to say anyway, keep it short and sweet], make a good act of contrition and move on by ‘not looking back’ 👍
 
I think it is better to masturbate then be a very kind person to others than to be scrupulously moral and never think of other people. I am sure I know which God prefers.
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I hope no one listens to you. I’m sure God prefers that. Has it ever occurred to you that your “advice” might influence someone who reads it…and your advise is dead wrong?

Do any moral theology manuals teach what you just advised? No.
 
MariaG said:
This is not about missing Mass because she can’t trust him. Well it is. But it is more than just babysitting her husband.

It is about how sick her children are and whether or not she can trust her husband to care for them while she is gone for an hour. 3 young children with the flu can turn deadly very quickly.

If he can not be trusted, (or trust himself) to overcome this for one hour to care for his children, his wife needs to stay home and watch the children.

And since it appears his children would not recieve proper care if left alone with him, it would not be a sin for the wife to stay home and take care of the children.

Basically it appears as if the wife has a choice. Would she leave 3 young children, with 2 well children the oldest being 10, home alone? NO. If husband cannot be trusted to watch the children, then she is choosing to leave 5 children home “alone”, 3 who are very young and sick with the flu. And THAT would be gravely negligent.
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Fair 'nuf. We’re both just kind of speculating here, but I would submit that if the kids are that sick, her husband’s problem is irrelevent. She should stay home and help her husband take care of the kids. It’s sort of wishful thinking on her part to believe that her mere presence in the home is going to keep him from his addiction.
 
How do you manage to go to work if you can’t be alone an hour ?

Kathy
 
StCsDavid said:
Fair 'nuf. We’re both just kind of speculating here, but I would submit that if the kids are that sick, her husband’s problem is irrelevent. She should stay home and help her husband take care of the kids. It’s sort of wishful thinking on her part to believe that her mere presence in the home is going to keep him from his addiction.
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Yes, we are just speculating:D

But as the wife of a paramedic, when someone says they have the flu, I think REAL flu not catch all sick with a bad cold.

And that was my point all along. IF her kids are that sick, it is not a sin to stay home from Mass, espcially if her husband will not watch them if she were gone. And I think you are right, that even if he didn’t have a problem, she should stay home and take care of the kids WITH him. Very sick, young children, can become anything from restless to unconsolable if mommy leaves.

And while I do agree with you that there are very deep and serious issues here that her mere presence will not solve, that is not what he asked advice on and so I chose not to focus on that aspect of his post;)
 
One of the first things taught to people who go to Al-Anon, N-Anon, S-Anon etc. is that they didn’t cause the addiction of a loved one and they can’t cure it either. It sounds like your wife is trying to control something that she’ll never be able to control. Maybe in addition to your online support groups you could go to an SA meeting. Except for collecting a small donation like a dollar or two at each meeting it doesn’t cost anything and it might make a huge difference in your family.
 
I have been helping people with this problem for about 30 years. You can get a little booklet that I publish that can help you by visiting my website at www.mountcarmelmedia.com The first thing anyone addicted to sin and having a tormented conscience must understand is that there is plenty of reason to hope. The tormented conscience is a big give away that your soul, slave as it is to sin, is not lost, or worse, dead.

The little booklet covers this and some very sound advice on how to work with God’s Grace to be freed from the slavery of sin. It doesn’t cost much, just enough to cover printing and mailing. I print them up myself, it is not a big operation.

If anyone would like to assist me in getting this booklet out to more people, please pass the word along. There is also a “donate” button on my website. The donation will not be tax deductible, but it will help me get more booklets out to souls in need, and trust me, there are a lot of souls addicted to masturbation.

God bless,

Mount Carmel Media
 
Are you handy? If you are so worried about causing your wife to sin, you could put together a working chastity belt and let your wife take the key with her when she goes to Mass.
 
You didn’t mention a porn problem, but if this is part of your routine, then you need to understand that porn only has power because of masturbation. As soon as you separate them, porn is completely useless.

If you are viewing porn or using ANY visual aids whatsoever during masturbation, stop immediately. Destroy all porn in your home. No exceptions! Purify your mind with lots of prayer and frequent confession. Live a G-Rated life and your mind will regain a lot of the innocence you once enjoyed as a child.

Be patient with yourself and allow your masturbation habit to fade. Resolve to cutting back. Skip a day at first.Then skip two days. Again, NO visual aids. Focus all of your sexual energy into your marriage bed like a laser beam! Become the most generous, loving, godly and affectionate husband you can be and your masturbation habit will die like a rat with a belly full of poison!

:cool: :cool: :cool:
 
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