Impurity Trouble With Girlfriend

[catholiccraig]

I’ve had my most recent girlfriend for about three weeks now. I’ve followed the rules of chastity all my life and have not had sex. My girlfriend is not Catholic, she’s Presbyterian and non-practicing. The problem is that we I have fallen into temptation quite a few times while hanging out with her. I haven’t had sex, but I’ve touched her above the waste a lot, and I’ve even gone below and touched her there a couple times (I even have thought about it being wrong when I do it, but I JUST CONTINUE…I don’t know what’s wrong with me). I feel guilty about it and told her ahead of time I don’t believe in these things, yet somehow I still do them. I don’t feel like I feel as guilty as I should though. I don’t spend all of the next day regretting it really. I’ve brushed off confession even when I could have gone. My guilt should really be greater I know… it’s like it feels right or something, though I know it’s wrong. I really hate that.
Any advice regarding this would be appreciated, and perhaps advice on introducing Catholocism to my girlfriend. She seems like a good person and even though she doesn’t believe the same things about chastity i do (or try to), I like her quite a bit. I don’t think it’s only infatuation. Thanks.

 

[YADA]

Have you checked out the Pure Love section here at Catholic Answers?

You do not say how old you [and your new girlfriend are] but three weeks is not long enough to decide life long decisions like being intimate [which should not occur outside of marriage] nor even marriage… 3 weeks is nothing in a life time…

If you were intimate and she concieved a child what would you do… you say she does not feel the same way about chastity as you … what does she believe about the sanctity of life? What do either of you understand about the sanctity of and sacramental nature of marriage? WHere is God in the picture, when you are touching this near stranger in intimate ways?

Have you gone to church in the last three weeks? Ask your friend to go, it is hard to be touching a person and singing hymns in praise of Jesus at the same time…spend some time in prayer before the Tabernacle.

The two of you should confine your times together where you do not have the privacy to touch each other … that is what McDonalds was created for … a public place to meet NOT for good [or healthy] food! Spend some time getting to know each other [your faith and faith differences, your life goals, your families]

remember you areto avoid the near occasions of sin…

 

[1ke]

Any advice regarding this would be appreciated,

Find a girlfriend who is equally committed to chastity. Clearly she is not.

She is not Catholic-- I hope you will reconsider going down that path. Find a Catholic, a woman with whom you share the same vision for your faith, family, and future.

And, if you do continue set clear boundaries: do not be alone with each other. Period.

She seems like a good person and even though she doesn’t believe the same things about chastity i do (or try to), I like her quite a bit.

She clearly does not share your values. MOVE ON and find someone who does. You will continue to sin and continue to be pulled farther away from your faith if you do not assert your will toward Christ and away from this relationship.

I don’t think it’s only infatuation. Thanks.

You’ve been dating her three weeks and are already this involved sexually?

It’s DEFINITELY infatuation.

 

[YADA]

And, if you do continue set clear boundaries: do not be alone with each other. Period.

You’ve been dating her three weeks and are already this involved sexually?

It’s DEFINITELY infatuation.

TRUE!!! TRUE!!! TRUE!!! TRUE!!!

Take heed Craig…in truth…it is infatuation … three weeks is nothing in a life time!

 

[puzzleannie]

I’ve had my most recent girlfriend for about three weeks now. I’ve followed the rules of chastity all my life and have not had sex. My girlfriend is not Catholic, she’s Presbyterian and non-practicing. The problem is that we I have fallen into temptation quite a few times while hanging out with her. I.

you have known this person 3 weeks and you are in intimate situations that involve touching? isn’t that a little previous, even for this generation?

why not focus on developing true friendship, which involves shared common interests and activities that do not take place on a couch.

 

[catholiccraig]

Thanks for the imput

A couple things I didn’t say

I’m 22 and she’s 21…

actually i’ve known her a couple years but we just started dating, so that’s something i shouldn’t have left out. we’ve been good friends for a long time. Thanks.

 

[Harmony1988]

It’s infatuation
It’s temptation
It’s immoral

What must you do? Confess, not only go to confession, but tell her you are sorry for mishandling her, even though she doesn’t view it like that. Jesus views it like that, she is not your wife. You kept going because ‘no man is greater than the flesh’. For some people they can restrain themselves at your point, some can’t. You can’t.

You aren’t quite ready for a relationship if you can’t control yourself doing this.

www.pureloveclub.com

READ IT!

rc.net/wcc/readings/

START READING!

And I want you to start praying the rosary everyday, seems a bit commanding, considering I don’t even know you, but you should do it for your sake, your girlfriend’s sake and above all for the sake of God. Ask Mother Mary to help you through your troubles and temptations. Ask your girlfriend to help you through your troubles and temptations by decling your advances.

Look through the prayers in here:

2heartsnetwork.org/Michael.htm

See which applies to you, and pray. Keep aside about 1 hour a day for praying.

God Bles

 

[1ke]

Thanks for the imput

A couple things I didn’t say

I’m 22 and she’s 21…

actually i’ve known her a couple years but we just started dating, so that’s something i shouldn’t have left out. we’ve been good friends for a long time. Thanks.

None of your additional information makes any difference. My answer remains the same:

Find a Catholic woman with whom you share your values, life ambitions, and Faith.

Stop being alone with this woman with whom you are so tempted to sin and who encourages you in it.

 

[Maria1212]

Stop being alone with this woman with whom you are so tempted to sin and who encourages you in it.

Dear OP,

I agree with this posters advice. Please dont confuse what feels right “hormonally” with what is right morally. Our hormones can easily make it difficult to put the brakes on intimacy, so it is better to avoid temptation in first place!

As someone who is not yet married, and has dated people who do not share my moral views on chastity, it is next to impossible to have a chaste relationship with someone who does not share this same value. If someone thinks premaritial sex is okay, they will often either pressure you subtly, or not so subtly until you cave, or they will get resentful and walk away. Unless you first convince them that your view on chastity is the correct one.

I dont mean to sound judgmental, but if the woman you have dated for only three weeks (regardless of how long you have known her), is letting you move that fast with her, she has probably done the same in the past. You are opening yourself up to STDs even if you dont “go all the way.” Think of you you would feel if you had to tell your future wife you have, or had, an STD.

Put your faith first. Anyone who causes you to abandon following your faith, or to separate yourself from the Church (which happens when we commit mortal sins), is not someone you should be dating. Try reading some of Christopher West`s books and discuss them with your girlfriend. Or try reading a Biblical Defense of Catholicism or Crossing the Tiber. See if she is open to this. Then you can discuss the book over coffee at your local coffee shop, and avoid the temptation that will come from “messing around” while pretending to watch a movie at home!

You can save yourself a lot of sorrow by not compromising your faith, or the state of your soul.

Believe me, I know it is not easy find other young people who are committed to chastity. But they are out there, and that is what God wants for you. And you wouldnt be posting here if you didnt know that already.

Definitely get yourself to Confession ASAP. Tell the priest what you told us here. He can give you some spiritual tips on how to deal with this struggle.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Sincerely,

Maria1212

 

[LeahInancsi]

If you had done these things to me after only three weeks…well, let’s just say, at the first attempt, I’d have you by the wrists and we’d be having a VERY serious conversation about limits.

Listen to the others who say that she is not the one for you because she does not share your values. How far has she gone with other guys if she’s gone this far with you so fast?

 

[FIAT_MIHI]

One thing that you may not be considering: When you do find your true love you will have a hard time not thinking about what you did with this girl. Those foul memories will be with you forever and may be hard to ever forget.

If you would end up marrying this girl, you will always remember after you were married the mistakes that you made before the marriage. Also, if she is willing to let you get away with this, she may be weak and give someone else the pleasure after you were married.

Find someone 100% pure that will make you 100% happy the rest of your long life. Fiat Mihi

 

[Sina]

Catholiccraig, I just wanted to say that I think it is awesome that you are a virgin. Keep your virginity! You are 22 and you have made it this far

Pray about it. I will pray for you too. A lot of people struggle with impurity just like you do.

The easiest way I can explain what you are doing is that you are using each other to “feel good”. It’s not right… by either of you.

 

[sanctamaria17]

If she keeps encouraging you to sin, I’d say get out of the relationship. What good is it if you gain the world but lose your soul?

I know it’s tempting to sin. I was in a relationship at one point but we stayed chaste (because I insisted on it) and we have no regrets and are still friends. I’ve also developed friendships with wonderful Catholic guys who treat women like they’re gold and make it a point to show them the honor and respect that Christ would show women. They would never do something to a woman that they would go after a guy for doing to his future wife. Through the way they treat me, it’s as if they’re saying to me, “This is how a man should treat you. Don’t ever settle for less than this.”

Remember, this woman may not end up as your wife. If that’s the case, she’ll be married to someone else and so will you. Your future wife wouldn’t want to hear about you touching another woman, even if you didn’t “go all the way”, so to speak.

I will pray for you!

 

[Quinault]

If you really want to have a relationship with this woman you need to lay everything out. Tell her about your beliefs in regards to premartial sex. Have her AGREE to help you uphold these beliefs. And I hate to say it, but she might be playing with you. There are a great number of women that think taking on a virgin and making him go against his views of chasity is a fun sport. If she isn’t willing to help you maintain your vows of chastity before marriage then you need to move on. When you are in a situation of kissing ect. you HAVE TO have her on the same page os you. If she is not then you WILL have sex. I dated my husband for three years without having sex. There were plenty of situations that got too hot and heavy and we had to stop. But since we BOTH were in agreement about waiting until we were married we were able to make it those three years before we wed without having sex. It may be a relationship breaker for her when you tell her you won’t have sex before marriage. It may strengthen the relationship. But you have to take that chance and deal with it.

 

[catholiccraig]

Thanks everyone. I plan on confession tomorrow and I’ll try and steer clear of doing it again.

 

[Steeltemplar]

I would advise you to be very careful in this matter. It may or may not seem like a big thing to you now that she is not Catholic, but you must think ahead. As Christians, our purpose in dating/courtship is to find someone to marry and then marry them. With that in mind, I would urge any Catholic to avoid getting into a romantic relationship with someone who would make Catholic marriage difficult.

Suppose you eventually marry this woman. Consider the following issues:

Will she want to use artificial contraception, which is a mortal sin?
How will she want to raise your children? Will she allow them to be raised as Catholics?
Will she treat marriage as a permanent bond, as we Catholics do?

If you are serious about the faith, then it would be good for you to find someone who puts God first in their lives and someone who will be a good Catholic wife and mother. And whatever you do, never assume that you can change someone. Conversion through relationship often ends in disaster.

Remember the words of Proverbs 31:
Proverbs 31:10-12:

A good wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.

Also:
Proverbs 31:26:

She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

And:
Proverbs 31:30:

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Let the Lord’s wisdom guide you

 

[whatevergirl]

Thanks everyone. I plan on confession tomorrow and I’ll try and steer clear of doing it again.

Unfortunately, you will probably need to steer clear of her. I hate to say that–in other aspects, your relationship may seem great…and leading somewhere, but if your gf does not have your best interests at heart, and you continue to have to battle the temptation to sin with her…then you should let this one go, and seek a girl in your future who is more along the lines of living a chaste life. And, I don’t think she cannot change, but when…after a few more ‘oops I did it again’ moments? Don’t risk your soul for a girl. Ever. Never worth it. Yes, we all fall…but, after a while…even a toddler knows not to go near a hot stove. As my dad would say in Italian…capish? lol I pray for you to have great strength.

 

[hasikelee]

None of your additional information makes any difference. My answer remains the same:

Find a Catholic woman with whom you share your values, life ambitions, and Faith.

Stop being alone with this woman with whom you are so tempted to sin and who encourages you in it.

I agree with 1ke. You want to be picky. Find someone who is devoted to your wellbeing. If she is so willing now, after only 3 weeks of dating, to let you suffer, what will she be willing to do in marriage?

Just think this: anything your girlfriend does NOW will be done to the 10th degree in marriage. It’s a good way to see if you can really accept certain behaviours.

 

[Steeltemplar]

It is possible for her to change, of course, and for you to help her. But doing that inside of a relationship, letting so much rest on a change that might not occur, is a very risky thing.

In considering your actions, it is wise not to assume she will change. Think about what would happen if you married her as she is.

 

[CelticSword]

On a side note, watch out for Catholic girls who try to “bend” the chastity rules as far as they can. You know…the ones who practically pounce on you and say something like, “we can’t have actual sex until we’re married, but EVERYTHING ELSE is okay.”
You don’t need to hit a “home run” to be in mortal sin; a triple–maybe even a double–will do the trick. Assuming the definitions of second and third base have not changed since I was in high school in the early '90s.