In a difficult situation

[Iheartcoffee]

I suggest getting yourself a small office away from the home. I don’t think getting rid of the nanny will fix this issue and it has a huge potential to hurt a lot of people without actually fixing the temptation you are dealing with. This may be a temptation that you will deal with for a very long time (as in, it’s not necessarily this nanny, the temptation may not be linked to her, but to other women in general). Chances are, if you hire another good nanny then you may have feelings for the next one too. I think the fairest thing to everyone would be for you to remove yourself from a situation where you are feeling tempted.

While it can be great to work at home, maybe it would be better for you and for your work to rent a small office. It sounds like if you have had the time to develop this attraction then working at home among distractions in general may not be the best idea. This also may help the inappropriate feelings you do have to pass. With less contact, you may be more likely to ensure an appropriate relationship when you do speak with her.

 

[Cricket123]

There is a big difference between finding someone attractive and forming a strong bond. I think it is a bigger deal than just noticing someone.

Perhaps you are right. This being the internet, who knows what’s really in anyone else’s head.

On the other hand, let me amplify a little: “Melissa” is a real person, one of my wife’s best friends. She also has a thing for me, which I know because she told me so at a party alluded to above, where pretty much everyone in attendance was a wee bit inebriated. I also find her pretty enticing. I’m married, not dead.

BUT, here’s where the “man-up” comes in. That night, I had to tell her, even though I think she’s pretty hot, “this conversation never happened” and leave it at that. Now, if I wanted to go the other way, it would be pretty simple. In fact, I’m alone right now… I could give her a call and… well, you know. But I’m not going to do that.

Beyond that, I would think that, though she has a thing for me, she really has a thing for someone who doesn’t exist. Her husband does not treat her well. Since I’m actually, more often than not, nice to my wife, she probably thinks I’m much better than I really am.

I guess what I’m saying is the “strong bond” may well be in the OPs head, and the thing to do may well be to, if he is not as into his own marriage as he could be, focus that energy there instead.

My wife and I were a “presenting couple” at pre-Cana for years, and we worked with a lot of the same couples over that time. We learned a lot form them as we developed our presentations for each new year. Though the parish is now closed, we are mostly still in touch. Anyway, there was one couple who always introduced themselves like this:

Hi. I’m John, and this is my wife Kay. We’ve been married for 15 wonderful years. We’ll be celebrating our 30th anniversary on May 25th.

See? It’s been like that for us too. You have bad days, bad weeks… even bad years, but that’s what marriage is. Forsaking all others, right? Not just forsaking all others as long as it doesn’t come up. Forsaking all others even if it does come up. Especially if it does come up.

It would seem to me that an affair is easily arranged, one way or another.

I’m saying that, if you’re married, REALLY married, then you have to deal with that. Forsaking all others. You may well be right. Even so, I see so many threads here where people preach self-control. It seems to me this would be an admirable time for some, regardless of how attractive this nanny is. Fire the nanny because you think she’s attractive? Or deal with your own issues yourself?

Forsaking all others. That’s what was in the vows. Even, and especially, when it’s an option not to. My take. Ymmv.

Peace,

C

 

[maryjk]

My problem, and it truly is becoming a problem, is that I have started to develop very real feelings for her (the nanny, I hate calling her that). They are not physical at this point, but they are at an emotional level I have never before experienced, and I actually find myself becoming more attracted to her every day. I do not want to lose this person in my life, but I am also becoming concerned about where I’m headed, and impacting my marriage.

Tom

I’m saying that, if you’re married, REALLY married, then you have to deal with that. Forsaking all others. You may well be right. Even so, I see so many threads here where people preach self-control. It seems to me this would be an admirable time for some, regardless of how attractive this nanny is. Fire the nanny because you think she’s attractive? Or deal with your own issues yourself?

Forsaking all others. That’s what was in the vows. Even, and especially, when it’s an option not to. My take. Ymmv.

Peace,

C

Cricket, what you are saying makes sense. A lot of sense. And that is how my marriage is. Forsaking all others, forever.

But the OP, as shown above, already sees this relationship as a problem. This isn’t that he simply finds the nanny attractive. He is so attracted to the nanny, that he hates to call her “the nanny.”

He makes comments like “they are not physical at this point” and " am also becoming concerned about where I’m headed." Statements like that indicate that he is beyond simple self control. Heck, he has feelings for her that he has “never before experienced before.”

All of these statements are great big red flags.

 

[Cricket123]

@maryjk

Again, perhaps you are right.

All I would say is these feelings are not physical at this point? Good. Don’t go there.

Feelings you’ve “never experienced before?” or “not in a long while?”

Is the “near occasion of sin” the nanny herself, or in the OPs mind? To paraphrase the gospels, if we are faithful when it is easy, what merit is there in that? And even without bringing God into it, I promised my wife to be faithful to her: “forsaking all others.” Is that not enough? I promised her, God or no God.

Not “forsaking all others as long as no others come along.”

If the nanny were encouraging all this my answer might be different. As it stands, I think on_the_hill is right. Man up. She’s off limits. Deal. You’re married.

I suppose, if the OP can’t manage that, then you are indeed right. Only he knows.

 

[The_Bucket]

Cricket,

I get your point about “manning up” but when does enough become enough? Not everyone has great impulse control and this is at least a situation where the OP recognizes that things are headed down a dangerous path… before something bad has happened. That’s a good thing to be sure, but how long can he keep temptation around just to spare someone’s feelings or career?

I agree with the poster that says he should cut her loose and give her a big severance. If she’s a great nanny then I’m sure she’ll pick up another job soon. As for the bond formed with the kids… so what? I’m serious. So what? Nannies/babysitters come and go. Far better that the bond their father has with his wife stays strong.

I guess what I’m getting at is that the OP has recognized that he is weak and headed for trouble. Let’s just cut of off at the pass and get rid of the occasion of sin. Could it be in his head? Certainly. Could it remain even if she’s gone? Absolutely. But at least then the opportunity to act on that temptation would also be gone.

 

[maryjk]

I guess what I’m getting at is that the OP has recognized that he is weak and headed for trouble. Let’s just cut of off at the pass and get rid of the occasion of sin. Could it be in his head? Certainly. Could it remain even if she’s gone? Absolutely. But at least then the opportunity to act on that temptation would also be gone.

I agree.

I actually find myself becoming more attracted to her every day.

And this man works at home?? With the nanny??

Fire the nanny. Get some help with your marriage. Everyone will be better for it.

 

[Book_Worm]

Over the course of my life, I’ve found that attraction is often one-sided; that is, it is more a function of what’s going on in the life of the person feeling the attraction than the attractiveness of the other person. (Please, Sr. Corrine, don’t critique that sentence.). How many people leave a marriage because they’ve found their “soul mate,” only to divorce that person, too?

The OP may be experiencing a version of the seven-year itch. He’s been married long enough for some of the magic to have faded, children and the demands of caring for them put additional stress on a marriage and along comes an attractive young woman whom he only sees when she’s at her best. If he were to fire her, where’s the guarantee that he won’t begin to develop feelings for her successor? Now THAT would be an interesting. conversation to have with his wife - “Honey, remember how I had to fire Mary because of my attraction to her? Well, it seems that I also feel that way about Sue. No, no, it’s not that I don’t find you attractive. . .”

As a PP pointed out, firing the nanny punishes only the innocent. This young woman has done nothing to warrant losing her job. (And what reason would he give her?). It certainly would be harmful for the children to lose their primary care-giver; she probably spends more waking hours with her than they do with their parents.

And why cause harm to so many people? Because the OP won’t (not can’t) decide to remain true to his marriage vows? I reject the idea that we are a week mess of physical beings at the mercy of every base instinct and hormonal urge. The OP can make a decision to spend less time with the nanny and put more effort into rekindling the relationship with his wife. If the cost of finding a place where he can work outside the home seems expensive, perhaps looking into what the financial costs of a divorce would be would dampen his ardor.

 

[bluehen95]

“Fire the nanny” is the obvious solution. “When is enough, enough”, the obvious question.

Where I struggle is here. In this person, I see a lot of myself. She reminds me of things I used to be interested in, at a time in my life that was very difficult, and she is interested in things I WOULD have been interested in at that time, had I allowed myself. Not only that, she has reminded me that the things I want to do, many of which I would like to do along with my wife, are still possible and that many of my excuses are just that.

My wife has asked me if I am replacing her. I’ve had to think a lot about this, and it is the fundamental question to me. Can what this woman brings to my life be complementary, and actually strengthen our marriage by encouraging us to re-engage in self-definition so we remember what brought us together in the first place? Or will it inevitably lead to a “replacement” situation, in which I get what I need from another person?

I am not immediately going with the obvious answers because I see the potential for this situation to be very positive and strengthening for me, my wife, my kids, and our relationship. I also see the opportunity to impact the life of a very rare and special person in a meaningful way. But I also see the potential dangers. One path has risk, one path has opportunity cost. I do not know how far to push the limits to figure this one out.

I guess that is the obvious question…when is enough, enough?

 

[on_the_hill]

My wife has asked me if I am replacing her.

Your wife knows about the situation? Or she senses that you’re attracted to the nanny?

If your wife knows, then…wow. It’s a lot worse than it seemed from your OP.

 

[bluehen95]

The OP may be experiencing a version of the seven-year itch. He’s been married long enough for some of the magic to have faded, children and the demands of caring for them put additional stress on a marriage and along comes an attractive young woman whom he only sees when she’s at her best.

Without question some of the “magic” has faded. If she left now, this woman will have succeeded in encouraging me to find it again, and convinced me that it can be found. But there are many dynamics that make it an unusual situation, one that does place stress on the marriage. And yet, if we can overcome that stress, it could be very rewarding.

The “see when she’s at her best” part is interesting, because if there is one thing I have learned about her, it is that she is always just herself. She is honest, she is blunt, she does not hide her faith. And that has made me start to be honest and blunt with myself about my life and my relationship, and to want to re-engage my faith. The last part is a journey I would like to explore with my wife. So I see significant positives here.

The danger is getting to the point where I would rather be with her than with my wife. I am not at that point, but I can see it happening. At the least, it will take considerable effort to continue to engage my wife, because the other path is in the short term much, much easier. In neither choice are there any “guarantees”, but are there ever any? At the end of the day, how much trust can I place in myself, and in God, to navigate this appropriately?

Or do I do the easy thing, let her go, or stop talking to her? That’s the easiest thing to do of all, but it’s also one that I genuinely feel could be a huge missed life opportunity for all of us who are involved…but not without risk.

To all of you, by the way, who say to have my wife quit and be a stay-at-home mom, we both wish we could. I’d love to be a stay-at-home dad, too. Unfortunately, we are not in a position to do that, because of past decisions and the financial realities of where we live. I wish we lived in an ideal world, but we are both tired of being judged for being working parents. We not only want the best for our children, we’d also like them to eat regularly.

 

[clem456]

I have to concur with the majority. Your marriage takes precedence.

You say that it is not physical. But that’s never the root of the problem. It starts in the heart always. From pride, lust, etc…then the physical.

If your heart is not totally devoted to your wife, that is a problem. I can tell you from personal experience in my own marriage, when these doubts enter in from one spouse or the other, the poisoned trust can take a few years to rebuild, -even if nothing “happened”-. If your wife catches on that there is something between the nanny and you (and there is, you admit it), that is big trouble for your marriage, whether you get physical with the nanny or not.

man working at home + attractive nanny = big big trouble

 

[mommamaree]

I don’t know what advice to give you as the husband, but I can tell you for sure that if I was a wife in this situation, I would expect my husband to tell me promptly of his inner struggles with the bond developing with our nanny, and I would likely immediately quit my job, stay home with the kids, terminate the employment of the nanny with a great severance package and promises of glowing recommendations. Then, I would make an appointment with a highly recommended marriage counselour, and insist that my husband and I go together. If the loss in pay demanded we sell our house and some belongings, even including an extra car, then I would do so.

The health of the marriage is paramount, and my husband should be bonding with no other woman in an intimate way except for me.

You said you are developing feelings for her, the type of feelings that you have never before experienced.
If my husband developed feelings for our nanny that he had never before experienced, I would be crushed, because I would know his attraction to her outshone his attraction to me. But if he would agree to all that I laid out in my first paragraph, I would soldier on and do everything in my power to save my marriage and build a Godly foundation for a love and a friendship in my marriage that we both would grow to treasure. If my husband refused to cooperate with me in that endeavor, I would be devastated.

 

[bluehen95]

Your wife knows about the situation? Or she senses that you’re attracted to the nanny?

If your wife knows, then…wow. It’s a lot worse than it seemed from your OP.

My wife knows that I have gotten closer to this woman. She has point blank asked me if I “have feelings” for her. I have been very honest about what I am thinking and feeling, why I feel what I feel about her now, what I think she could actually do for our marriage (without doing anything other than being herself), and what it means in terms of the work that we need to do. One thing we have always had in our marriage is absolute trust, and I have asked her to continue to trust me and work with me to handle this appropriately. So I do not think it’s a worse situation. My wife both deserves to know, and needs to be an active part of how we address it.

 

[FrStevenJones]

Cricket, what you are saying makes sense. A lot of sense. And that is how my marriage is. Forsaking all others, forever.

But the OP, as shown above, already sees this relationship as a problem. This isn’t that he simply finds the nanny attractive. He is so attracted to the nanny, that he hates to call her “the nanny.”

He makes comments like “they are not physical at this point” and " am also becoming concerned about where I’m headed." Statements like that indicate that he is beyond simple self control. Heck, he has feelings for her that he has “never before experienced before.”

All of these statements are great big red flags.

“Fire the nanny” is the obvious solution. “When is enough, enough”, the obvious question.

Where I struggle is here. In this person, I see a lot of myself. She reminds me of things I used to be interested in, at a time in my life that was very difficult, and she is interested in things I WOULD have been interested in at that time, had I allowed myself. Not only that, she has reminded me that the things I want to do, many of which I would like to do along with my wife, are still possible and that many of my excuses are just that.

My wife has asked me if I am replacing her. I’ve had to think a lot about this, and it is the fundamental question to me. Can what this woman brings to my life be complementary, and actually strengthen our marriage by encouraging us to re-engage in self-definition so we remember what brought us together in the first place? Or will it inevitably lead to a “replacement” situation, in which I get what I need from another person?

I am not immediately going with the obvious answers because I see the potential for this situation to be very positive and strengthening for me, my wife, my kids, and our relationship. I also see the opportunity to impact the life of a very rare and special person in a meaningful way. But I also see the potential dangers. One path has risk, one path has opportunity cost. I do not know how far to push the limits to figure this one out.

I guess that is the obvious question…when is enough, enough?

Sir, if you were in my office saying these things, I would exhort you to remove the nanny from your life, immediately. This is not an opportunity to enrich your family life and marriage, this situation is a trojan horse that will destroy your marriage if you don’t remove it. I know others disagree, but that’s what I see from your comments about this “rare and special person” who “I’m more attracted to every day”. Those feelings need to be directed towards your wife, not your nanny.

I will be praying for you. Please take your family to Mass. May God’s will be done, and I pray you all find the peace that comes from giving your life to Jesus Christ.

 

[mommamaree]

My wife knows that I have gotten closer to this woman. She has point blank asked me if I “have feelings” for her. I have been very honest about what I am thinking and feeling, why I feel what I feel about her now, what I think she could actually do for our marriage (without doing anything other than being herself), and what it means in terms of the work that we need to do. One thing we have always had in our marriage is absolute trust, and I have asked her to continue to trust me and work with me to handle this appropriately. So I do not think it’s a worse situation. My wife both deserves to know, and needs to be an active part of how we address it.

You are not thinking clearly! Look at what you have said. You have been talking about the good that this other woman could do for your marriage! That is insane. You have hired her to take good care of your children so that you are free to work. Full stop. She is not a marriage counselour. She is not a third party in the marriage. The third person in the marriage is GOD. Not one single other person ever ever should be talked about as being good for one’s marriage. Only GOD and a good marriage counselour.
Your wife KNOWS. And still you do nothing, while asking her to trust you. You know you cannot trust yourself. You have already said that you prefer the company of your nanny to your wife, and that it is difficult to engage with your wife. You are not being trustworthy. You are not being truly honest. No sane woman would leave her husband alone with a woman if she truly knew all you confess here.
Fire the nanny post-haste. Get thee to a good marriage counselour. Stop the shenanigans and the self-justifications.

 

[bluehen95]

Fr. Jones
I appreciate what you are saying and I thank you for it. Forgive me if I continue to engage the congregation before deciding what to do. I choose this because you would also likely let me know that my children are the result of a mortal sin (and by logical extension, not a gift from God, per se), a sentiment with which I vehemently disagree.
I say this with all due respect.

 

[maryjk]

Without question some of the “magic” has faded. If she left now, this woman will have succeeded in encouraging me to find it again, and convinced me that it can be found. But there are many dynamics that make it an unusual situation, one that does place stress on the marriage. And yet, if we can overcome that stress, it could be very rewarding.

It must be hard to be married to someone when the magic has faded.

The “see when she’s at her best” part is interesting, because if there is one thing I have learned about her, it is that she is always just herself. She is honest, she is blunt, she does not hide her faith. And that has made me start to be honest and blunt with myself about my life and my relationship, and to want to re-engage my faith. The last part is a journey I would like to explore with my wife. So I see significant positives here.

Gosh, the nanny sounds just great. What man wouldn’t be attracted to her??

The danger is getting to the point where I would rather be with her than with my wife. I am not at that point, but I can see it happening. At the least, it will take considerable effort to continue to engage my wife, because the other path is in the short term much, much easier.

It seems like the nanny is just so easy to talk to, where your wife requires work.

In neither choice are there any “guarantees”, but are there ever any? At the end of the day, how much trust can I place in myself, and in God, to navigate this appropriately?

WAKE UP. You sound like this is just happening to you, rather than the fact that you are making the choice.

Or do I do the easy thing, let her go, or stop talking to her? That’s the easiest thing to do of all, but it’s also one that I genuinely feel could be a huge missed life opportunity for all of us who are involved…but not without risk.

Not without risk. Who are you kidding? If you claim there is an opportunity, it has already happened. If you think this opened your eyes about the relationship you have with your wife, your eyes are already open. Be honest with yourself. You want to keep the nanny around because YOU LIKE HER. In fact, you would pretty much rather be with her than your wife.

Man up. You sound like you are in high school, talking about a potential girlfriend. “She is just so perfect.” Get over yourself.

 

[clem456]

My wife knows that I have gotten closer to this woman. She has point blank asked me if I “have feelings” for her. I have been very honest about what I am thinking and feeling, why I feel what I feel about her now, what I think she could actually do for our marriage (without doing anything other than being herself), and what it means in terms of the work that we need to do. One thing we have always had in our marriage is absolute trust, and I have asked her to continue to trust me and work with me to handle this appropriately. So I do not think it’s a worse situation. My wife both deserves to know, and needs to be an active part of how we address it.

Spouses tend to attempt accommodation and good faith when faced with these issues, but realize that you may be hanging yourself.
This is big big trouble for your marriage. If it were me, I would remove all doubts, so that your wife is not in the difficult spot of wondering. Not good for your marriage.

 

[FrStevenJones]

Fr. Jones
I appreciate what you are saying and I thank you for it. Forgive me if I continue to engage the congregation before deciding what to do. I choose this because you would also likely let me know that my children are the result of a mortal sin (and by logical extension, not a gift from God, per se), a sentiment with which I vehemently disagree.
I say this with all due respect.

Of course, please do what you need to do. You are under no obligation to follow my counsel. However, I want you to know that in my opinion the answer is very clear. To give you an analogy, if a friend who was out boating called you and said “my boat is on fire, should I let it burn and try to contain it, or should I put out the fire immediately and then fix whatever caused the fire to happen?”.

So I just want to be clear. But please, discuss as much as you need. I will be praying for the well being of all involved!

Pax Christe,

 

[The_Bucket]

Fr. Jones
I appreciate what you are saying and I thank you for it. Forgive me if I continue to engage the congregation before deciding what to do. I choose this because you would also likely let me know that my children are the result of a mortal sin (and by logical extension, not a gift from God, per se), a sentiment with which I vehemently disagree.
I say this with all due respect.

We all commit sin. The fact that I pointed out the Church’s teaching in another thread and defended said teaching doesn’t mean anything as far as this situation goes. In the other case, you can simply confess the sin and move on. It does not mean you have to regret the fact that you have children!

I point the finger at myself before I point it at others. I am likely guilty of far more grave sin than you and I’d be the first to say it. It was not a case of j’accuse and me lording anything over you. You tried to assert that the Church was in error. I defended her teaching. That does not make me better than you or anyone else in that thread or this one. Nor does it make you worse.

In fact, I daresay you are or were in a better position than I. For I am guilty of numerous grave sins that I knew and believed were grave and did them anyway.

As for this circumstance, I think it might behoove you to listen to the exhortations of your peers. I was hooked on pornography for years and thought I could “control it.” What a joke. So once entering recovery I had to take certain steps to remove this temptation. First thing first I had to entirely cut myself off from the computer at home for a time. I have access once again but I also have a better program to keep me on the straight and narrow. I still do not have a smartphone out of fear that I will fall into that sin with that device.

We are counseling that you cut off a source of serious temptation and saying that any “opportunity cost” is well offset by maintaining a strong marriage.