In a difficult situation

[CatholicRaven]

She knows a good bit. She’d have to be rather naive not to have a bigger picture.

I seriously doubt it. And it’s not because she’s naive.

Women, especially young women, do not think the way men do. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that she has any idea what you are thinking.

It’s pretty likely that if she has suspected at all that you have feelings for her, she will give you the benefit of the doubt and think she’s just overreacting and reading something into it that isn’t there. She’ll think that you’re “just being nice” to her, not flirting. It’s most likely not because she wants something to happen between the two of you, but because she wants to believe the best of you.

Same for your wife–she wants to assume that you are trustworthy and faithful… she wants to give you the benefit of the doubt; she wants to believe that you are her hero, and will protect her even from yourself. But apparently, from what you’ve posted here, she is wrong. Hopefully, she’ll have a little more experience than the nanny and realize, sooner rather than later, that you aren’t being faithful to her.

I will for all of you.

 

[Groo]

I don’t know if this has been covered, but what if the nanny sues for wrongful termination? Whether firing on grounds of attraction is legal I don’t know. I read an article a while back about a dental hygenist who was fired due to attraction (wife coerced her husband to fire the hygenist). She sued the dentist and it made national news. With the conversations you have had with her, you might also be at risk of being accused of sexual harassment.

Have you considered finding your nanny another job? I don’t know if that is feasible or not. Maybe you could offer to keep her employed until she finds something else. I would think good nannies are in high demand.

 

[bluehen95]

Well, my daughter broke her leg today. Our nanny took her to the hospital, I followed, my wife came later. It was my decision not to call her until we got there and had something to tell her. There is past precedent that gives reasons for this, but it was not the right way to handle the situation, evidently. This was the backdrop for a major, and much needed, conversation. I do not think I’ve been able to articulate everything going on in my head here, but I did a much better job with my wife. Not easy. Not smooth. But totally necessary. And totally honest. I miss my wife. I miss her a lot. I’d forgotten who I was, and it took another person to remind me, and also that it was okay to remember. My wife also does not remember who she was, and that it’s not a bad thing, not a bad thing at all to reconnect with the things that made her happy, that made us happy. We should not be searching for things to do with the kids. We should be doing the things that brought us together, that will keep us together (even if they’re new), and bringing them along with us. Kids are portable. They love everything. I think it will be all the more valuable if they’re doing what mommy and daddy love too. That is what has been missing from our relationship. That is what this young woman has awakened in me. I could not love her any more, but I love my wife more than that. This is where I am tonight.

I do not know what will happen from here. You can form your own opinions about what should, but my wife and I know there is a lot of work to be done. This was a good first step, a needed first step. I’m sorry my kid had to break her leg to get us to see it. I don’t know what happens to our nanny from here. I know what you all think should happen, and that is fine, and that is not a decision I will make. I do know, and I will get slammed for continuing to say it, that she is a very special person. If we had to break ties now, she will have done for me, for us, more than could have been imagined. I would hate it, really hate it, but am a better person for having met her.

Have at it.

 

[bluehen95]

I don’t know if this has been covered, but what if the nanny sues for wrongful termination? Whether firing on grounds of attraction is legal I don’t know. I read an article a while back about a dental hygenist who was fired due to attraction (wife coerced her husband to fire the hygenist). She sued the dentist and it made national news. With the conversations you have had with her, you might also be at risk of being accused of sexual harassment.

Have you considered finding your nanny another job? I don’t know if that is feasible or not. Maybe you could offer to keep her employed until she finds something else. I would think good nannies are in high demand.

I think the Supreme Court just said that was okay. Nevertheless it is worth noting this is not a “career nanny”, she has, for lack of a better term (no offense to nannies), bigger plans. So I’m not sure finding her another nanny job would really be an appeal to her. She is fully aware she is in a unique “nanny” situation, and I think really does value it, whether or not she knows what’s been going on in my mind and in my relationship with my wife. I have also never had a conversation with her that could be construed as sexual harassment…as stupid as I have been, I have been through way too many professional training courses to cross that line.

 

[Groo]

People can do funny things when self-interest is involved. Maybe I am paranoid, but if she accuses you of anything improper it could be your word against hers. If you decide to terminate her employment, it might be worth a conversation with a lawyer.

I am sorry you are in this situation. I don’t have any answers, but I wish you and your family the best.

 

[HouseArrest]

Well, my daughter broke her leg today. Our nanny took her to the hospital, I followed, my wife came later. It was my decision not to call her until we got there and had something to tell her. There is past precedent that gives reasons for this, but it was not the right way to handle the situation, evidently. This was the backdrop for a major, and much needed, conversation. I do not think I’ve been able to articulate everything going on in my head here, but I did a much better job with my wife. Not easy. Not smooth. But totally necessary. And totally honest. I miss my wife. I miss her a lot. I’d forgotten who I was, and it took another person to remind me, and also that it was okay to remember. My wife also does not remember who she was, and that it’s not a bad thing, not a bad thing at all to reconnect with the things that made her happy, that made us happy. We should not be searching for things to do with the kids. We should be doing the things that brought us together, that will keep us together (even if they’re new), and bringing them along with us. Kids are portable. They love everything. I think it will be all the more valuable if they’re doing what mommy and daddy love too. That is what has been missing from our relationship. That is what this young woman has awakened in me. I could not love her any more, but I love my wife more than that. This is where I am tonight.

I do not know what will happen from here. You can form your own opinions about what should, but my wife and I know there is a lot of work to be done. This was a good first step, a needed first step. I’m sorry my kid had to break her leg to get us to see it. I don’t know what happens to our nanny from here. I know what you all think should happen, and that is fine, and that is not a decision I will make. I do know, and I will get slammed for continuing to say it, that she is a very special person. If we had to break ties now, she will have done for me, for us, more than could have been imagined. I would hate it, really hate it, but am a better person for having met her.

Have at it.

Really? Wow. You’re really a piece of work. Get over yourself.

 

[MamaJewel]

Well, my daughter broke her leg today. Our nanny took her to the hospital, I followed, my wife came later. It was my decision not to call her until we got there and had something to tell her. There is past precedent that gives reasons for this, but it was not the right way to handle the situation, evidently. This was the backdrop for a major, and much needed, conversation. I do not think I’ve been able to articulate everything going on in my head here, but I did a much better job with my wife. Not easy. Not smooth. But totally necessary. And totally honest. I miss my wife. I miss her a lot. I’d forgotten who I was, and it took another person to remind me, and also that it was okay to remember. My wife also does not remember who she was, and that it’s not a bad thing, not a bad thing at all to reconnect with the things that made her happy, that made us happy. We should not be searching for things to do with the kids. We should be doing the things that brought us together, that will keep us together (even if they’re new), and bringing them along with us. Kids are portable. They love everything. I think it will be all the more valuable if they’re doing what mommy and daddy love too. That is what has been missing from our relationship. That is what this young woman has awakened in me. I could not love her any more, but I love my wife more than that. This is where I am tonight.

I do not know what will happen from here. You can form your own opinions about what should, but my wife and I know there is a lot of work to be done. This was a good first step, a needed first step. I’m sorry my kid had to break her leg to get us to see it. I don’t know what happens to our nanny from here. I know what you all think should happen, and that is fine, and that is not a decision I will make. I do know, and I will get slammed for continuing to say it, that she is a very special person. If we had to break ties now, she will have done for me, for us, more than could have been imagined. I would hate it, really hate it, but am a better person for having met her.

Have at it.

ahh, a lovely affair with parental alienation in the mix
so special, yet typical
have at it

 

[Pax2u]

No, I won’t be “having at it” any further on this thread. Tired of your silliness, OP.

 

[bluehen95]

No, I won’t be “having at it” any further on this thread. Tired of your silliness, OP.

One person’s silliness is another’s inner turmoil, which maybe he has to go through to come out whole on the other side. I thank you for all of your advice and opinions. I have no idea what things will look like at the end of the road. But emotion - life, even - does not change by the week, it changes by the second. It is an event, a realization, an epiphany, that takes the same situation and casts it completely differently. If that wasn’t the case, we’d all pretty much be screwed because we’d just do the same things, and it wouldn’t matter what anyone else “involved” did either. It’s what should give us hope.

I hope my silliness did not bore your perfection, Pax2u. It would seem to me you’ve got a lot to learn before you can call yourself a true Catholic, or any Christian, without laughing.

 

[bluehen95]

Really? Wow. You’re really a piece of work. Get over yourself.

No one forced you to read a single word I said. You found a train wreck, and most (not all) of you have been more than happy to watch it while cheering under you breath at the idiot with no self-control careening over the mountain. Get over myself? Get over yourself. I may be a ball of conflicting emotions, and I am not even close to being perfect, but I am no worse than anyone else except the few who actually tell themselves the truth, and listen to what it says.

Enjoy your night. I feel so Catholic again.

 

[PartoftheBody]

I seriously doubt it. And it’s not because she’s naive.

Women, especially young women, do not think the way men do. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that she has any idea what you are thinking.

It’s pretty likely that if she has suspected at all that you have feelings for her, she will give you the benefit of the doubt and think she’s just overreacting and reading something into it that isn’t there. She’ll think that you’re “just being nice” to her, not flirting. It’s most likely not because she wants something to happen between the two of you, but because she wants to believe the best of you.

I was a 25-year-old, nice, devout Catholic young woman not so long ago, so I’d like to give a few thoughts from what I suspect might be her perspective.

First and foremost, you are her boss. She may enjoy your company or she may find your attention a little creepy, who knows. As your employee, she’s not really free to say,
“Listen, Mr. Hen, I’m here to watch your kids, not to be friends with you. Please leave me alone,”
if that is in fact what she wanted to say. You do not have an equal relationship, because as her employer you have an unspoken power over her, whether you realize it or not.

Secondly, she may see your interest in her as purely an interest in her beliefs. She may think she’s winning a soul for Christ by engaging with you, not jeopardizing a marriage/family.

Thirdly, if she really is the devout Catholic girl you think she is, she would never be with you romantically. You are a married man, and even if you divorced your wife to be with her, she would still see that as adultery. If she would be with you, she is not who you think she is.

Finally, if my boss ever came on to me or did something inappropriate, I don’t care how great the job was, I’d be gone in a heartbeat.

Also, if it helps as a reality check, remember that this woman was born in 1987 or 1988.

 

[Iheartcoffee]

People can do funny things when self-interest is involved. Maybe I am paranoid, but if she accuses you of anything improper it could be your word against hers. If you decide to terminate her employment, it might be worth a conversation with a lawyer.

I am sorry you are in this situation. I don’t have any answers, but I wish you and your family the best.

I agree with Groo. Especially because she has probably caught on to the fact that you have been interested in her. Women notice these things. She could claim sexual harassment.

Previously, I had recommended that the OP move his job to an office so he would deal less with temptation, but as it appears he has discussed his temptation issues with his wife I’m pretty sure she will want the nanny to find a new job now. I have seen a ton of posts recommending that the OP have his wife stay home, but why not the OP? This would probably be the least disruptive path for the family. There is no sense in making everyone’s role change when we could kill two birds with one stone by having the OP stay home with the kids. After all, the kids are already used to their father being in the home during the day and developing a strong bond with one’s father is just as important as developing a strong bond with one’s mother. Can you quit your job? Can you even adjust your job down to part time or arrange your hours in such a way that you can watch your kids part of the day and work while they are at a part-time “Mother’s Day Out” program at church or something?

It would be a very easy excuse for letting the nanny go if they find her new employment and tell her that their family has decided since the father works from home he has now found a way to arrange his work around watching the kids. This might be a good way to cover yourself to avoid some of the awkwardness of letting her go and finding her new employment. Plus, it gives HER and easier story when she explains the job on her resume to future employers. It’s easy to say you were let go because a parent wanted to quit a job to stay home with the children. People will understand that.

Stay home with your kids for a while. A stay-at-home husband isn’t a crazy thing. My husband was unemployed for a while and stayed home. To be quite honest, that period of time was actually not as bad as we thought it would be financially. You would be amazed by how much money your family can save when you have a spouse at home. My husband used his time while unemployed to cook super cheap but healthy meals, shop sales, and just generally keep life moving smoothly and cheaply.

This could be a really great way to re-connect with your family because your main focus as a stay-at-home dad will be their needs. You can spend more time working on ways to repair your marriage, and you can really get some quality time with your kids while they are still young. I read earlier that they are 2 years old. Can your family afford for you to be at home with them and work from home part time on evenings/weekends (when your wife gets home from work) until they start Kindergarten? Then, you could most likely go back to working full time during the day while they are at school.

Try it for a couple of months. If it doesn’t work out, then find another source of childcare. As long as you find your current nanny employment elsewhere, it won’t be awkward if you ultimately end up looking for another nanny again later down the line. If anyone asks, circumstances changed and since you already found your nanny a new job you had to find a different source of child care. Next time around, see if you can find a MALE that will watch the kids. I knew a guy in high school that took care of his neighbor’s kids. Since you would be in the home anyway you probably don’t need an adult watching your kids, a home-schooled teenager might be able to spend part of the day at your house watching the kids while you work. Think of it this way, if you hire a male to watch the kids, your wife won’t have to worry. You saying, “That guy is like a son/nephew/brother to me” is WAY more socially appropriate and moral than being attracted to your current nanny.

 

[bluehen95]

QUOTE=PartoftheBody;11057634]First and foremost, you are her boss…You do not have an equal relationship, because as her employer you have an unspoken power over her, whether you realize it or not.

Fair point. I do understand this. We have not had a normal employer/employee relationship, but at the end of the day that is still one of the things that we are (employer and employee), now.

Secondly, she may see your interest in her as purely an interest in her beliefs. She may think she’s winning a soul for Christ by engaging with you, not jeopardizing a marriage/family.

I would agree that she doesn’t think she’s jeopardizing a marriage/family. The rest of that, she doesn’t hide her faith, but she doesn’t push it either…it’s her personal faith. I don’t see her trying to “win a soul for Christ”, really. But that’s kind of beside the point.

Thirdly, if she really is the devout Catholic girl you think she is, she would never be with you romantically. You are a married man, and even if you divorced your wife to be with her, she would still see that as adultery. If she would be with you, she is not who you think she is.

BEST POINT MADE. Deep down, I know this, I respect this.

Finally, if my boss ever came on to me or did something inappropriate, I don’t care how great the job was, I’d be gone in a heartbeat.

Just to be clear, I haven’t and I wouldn’t.

Also, if it helps as a reality check, remember that this woman was born in 1987 or 1988.

It doesn’t help, but thank you.