In a hellish cycle

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thestudentAD

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Hey, everyone.
I’ve been in this hellish cycle of being in mortal sin and going to confession for about a year or two now. Whenever I go to confession, I make a sin list and I take it with me to Church. I have also been falling constantly to porn and masturbation for eight years. And I have been taking medicine for intrusive thoughts. Now, I’m thinking about hastening my death and mutliating myself, despite knowing things contrary to that. I’ve stopped doing my devotions as I don’t think God hears the prayers of mortal sinners. I feel like I’m constantly on the road to hell and I’m destined for it. I just can’t stay on the straight and narrow for long.
 
You are loved and precious! Don’t give up! Your life matters and there are good things only you can do!

Don’t stop your devotions! Increase them!

The US has a curse of impurity on it. It’s all hands on deck. No one is getting a free pass.

This trial will teach you humility, patience, and trust in The Lord.

Praying for you Saint!

Bk
 
thestudentAD said:
Hey, everyone.
I’ve been in this hellish cycle of being in mortal sin and going to confession for about a year or two now. Whenever I go to confession, I make a sin list and I take it with me to Church. I have also been falling constantly to porn and masturbation for eight years. And I have been taking medicine for intrusive thoughts. Now, I’m thinking about hastening my death and mutliating myself, despite knowing things contrary to that. I’ve stopped doing my devotions as I don’t think God hears the prayers of mortal sinners. I feel like I’m constantly on the road to hell and I’m destined for it. I just can’t stay on the straight and narrow for long.
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This site can help!

angelicwarfareconfraternity.org/

I will pray for you.
 
Praying to the Holy Spirit to give you guidance, direction, strength, fortitude & wisdom in your time of need.
 
Our Lord promised that we will never be tempted beyond our ability to resist. Rather than mutilating yourself, why not channel all those feelings into willpower and show your body who’s boss? Make the resolution that you absolutely. Will. Not. Allow your body to make a move OF EVEN ONE CENTIMETER to commit one of those sins, EVEN IF IT KILLS YOU.

THIS IS WAR. Throw out your computer if you have to. Wear a chastity belt. It’d be worth it to wipe the smirk off the devil’s face. Feel the burn. Revel in the pain that proves your mettle. Resist sin until your eyes roll back in your skull and you pass out. Know that if you die resisting sin, you die a hero. Glory in your omnipotence over your own body, because NOBODY CAN FORCE YOU TO SIN.
 
thestudentAD said:
Hey, everyone.
I’ve been in this hellish cycle of being in mortal sin and going to confession for about a year or two now. Whenever I go to confession, I make a sin list and I take it with me to Church. I have also been falling constantly to porn and masturbation for eight years. And I have been taking medicine for intrusive thoughts. Now, I’m thinking about hastening my death and mutliating myself, despite knowing things contrary to that. I’ve stopped doing my devotions as I don’t think God hears the prayers of mortal sinners. I feel like I’m constantly on the road to hell and I’m destined for it. I just can’t stay on the straight and narrow for long.
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If you are having thoughts of harming or killing yourself, then you need professional help. Please make an appointment and seek help ASAP. :grouphug:
 
Intrusive and obsessive thoughts, consistent mortal sin, stopping prayer, falling into despair, mentioning things that insinuate thoughts of death, giving in to the thought that you belong in hell: this is precisely why the Church has exorcists, and they absolutely should be sought out, because these are all traits of demonic influence (according to anything I’ve ever heard or read on the subject).

I’m not sure how one goes about getting a consultation with an exorcist, but I certainly would be ringing some phones if I felt there was a good need for it.
 
thestudentAD said:
Hey, everyone.
I’ve been in this hellish cycle of being in mortal sin and going to confession for about a year or two now. Whenever I go to confession, I make a sin list and I take it with me to Church. I have also been falling constantly to porn and masturbation for eight years. And I have been taking medicine for intrusive thoughts. Now, I’m thinking about hastening my death and mutliating myself, despite knowing things contrary to that. I’ve stopped doing my devotions as I don’t think God hears the prayers of mortal sinners. I feel like I’m constantly on the road to hell and I’m destined for it. I just can’t stay on the straight and narrow for long.
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Believe me, I’ve been there. In fact, I’m still going through it. The other posters have given you good advice. If I could just add… when you think about it, when you’re feeling especially wretched, speak with God. I don’t mean pray exactly, although if you can try and pray ( I know you can feel like such a hypocrite, praying and sinning). I just think, make God your inner voice, he invented language, you are not going to say anything he doesn’t understand. You’re not going to have a sentiment he doesn’t “get”.

He “gets” you completely. He is probably letting you endure this darkness to be closer to him. He loves you, and at this moment you are possibly defined by your love for him.

God Bless, Meadhbh
 
thestudentAD said:
Hey, everyone.
I’ve been in this hellish cycle of being in mortal sin and going to confession for about a year or two now. Whenever I go to confession, I make a sin list and I take it with me to Church. I have also been falling constantly to porn and masturbation for eight years. And I have been taking medicine for intrusive thoughts. Now, I’m thinking about hastening my death and mutliating myself, despite knowing things contrary to that. I’ve stopped doing my devotions as I don’t think God hears the prayers of mortal sinners. I feel like I’m constantly on the road to hell and I’m destined for it. I just can’t stay on the straight and narrow for long.
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I posted this in another thread just last night:

I do not understand my own behavior; I do not act as I mean to, but I do the things that I hate. Though the will to do what is good is in me, the power to do it is not; the good thing I want to do, I never do; the evil thing which I do not want - that is what I do.

~Romans 7:14-24:

Don’t despair, thestudentAD, overcoming habit and compulsion and automatic behavior is one the primary goals of life, and it’s exceedingly difficult for everyone. So take heart, you’re on the right path, but it takes hard won insight gained through suffering to come to real life. I strongly recommend you research contemplative prayer and its practical methodology. It’s a process of waking up, and it’s a true struggle. I like the analogy of a bird using all the strength at it’s disposal, every last iota of energy it can muster, to struggle and break free of it’s eggshell…
 
Check out the website Reclaim Sexual Health. It’s about the exact struggles you are delaing with. You’ll be amazed. I heard about it on Catholic Radio
 
thestudentAD said:
Hey, everyone.
I’ve been in this hellish cycle of being in mortal sin and going to confession for about a year or two now. Whenever I go to confession, I make a sin list and I take it with me to Church. I have also been falling constantly to porn and masturbation for eight years. And I have been taking medicine for intrusive thoughts. Now, I’m thinking about hastening my death and mutliating myself, despite knowing things contrary to that. I’ve stopped doing my devotions as I don’t think God hears the prayers of mortal sinners. I feel like I’m constantly on the road to hell and I’m destined for it. I just can’t stay on the straight and narrow for long.
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Child of God & Brother of Jesus,
You are loved! He knows all our sins but He also knows what’s in our heart. Our contrition, our shame, our embarrassment, our anger at our own weakness, our heartfelt sorrow for offending Him. Most importantly, He knows how much we love Him, how much we want to reject sin (even though we’re all weak and stumble now and then), how much we try to follow in the footsteps of Christ Our Lord. We do not rejoice when we sin; we seek reconciliation and express our sincere contrition. We may sin again and again but each time we have the opportunity to seek God’s forgiveness and try not to sin again. It’s never a case that God will NOT forgive us; can we forgive ourselves? Believe that the evil one wants nothing less than you to hurt yourself or others by turning away from God or turning others away from God. Trust in God’s infinite mercy and love. He will never let you down and will always be there to pick you up. God bless you and protect you, Child of God & Brother of Jesus. :gopray:
 
Then why don’t you give up the porn and masturbating? You have the ability to do it. The devil continues to play with your mind and then uses those things against you so as to push you further into other sin, particularly on a soul that has their heart set on God. By the grace of God, you can overcome all of this. Make no room in your heart or mind for the devil to get through via the tool of impurity. Give all your heart and mind to God and God alone. I will pray for you.

A book worth reading that should help you is “7 Secrets of Confession” by Vinny Flynn.
 
thestudentAD said:
Hey, everyone.
I’ve been in this hellish cycle of being in mortal sin and going to confession for about a year or two now. Whenever I go to confession, I make a sin list and I take it with me to Church. I have also been falling constantly to porn and masturbation for eight years. And I have been taking medicine for intrusive thoughts. Now, I’m thinking about hastening my death and mutliating myself, despite knowing things contrary to that. I’ve stopped doing my devotions as I don’t think God hears the prayers of mortal sinners. I feel like I’m constantly on the road to hell and I’m destined for it. I just can’t stay on the straight and narrow for long.
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Please do not give up! There are many people who have struggled with masturbation and pornography that have found freedom through Jesus Christ. There’s a book by an author named Christine Watkins called “On the Edge of Grace”. It details several mystical stories of conversion. One of the stories is about a man named Peter who explains how he fell into masturbation and pornography, how Jesus led him out of it and how he manages it today: daily mass, confession, prayer, 12 step program & counseling and adoration. He explained that by praying in front of the Eucharist and by receiving the Eucharist daily he has God living inside of him to fight the addiction. The Eucharist is your “medicine”. Trust in Jesus, He can heal you.

Do not give into the temptations to hurt yourself that come from Satan. And definitely do not stop praying! Jesus is mercy – mortal sin or not, He longs to hear your prayers. Jesus LOVES you!

One last thing – I would suggest speaking to a priest to help walk you through this. There is hope, put all of your trust in Jesus!

I’ll keep you in my prayers,

Josie
 
thestudentAD said:
Hey, everyone.
I’ve been in this hellish cycle of being in mortal sin and going to confession for about a year or two now. Whenever I go to confession, I make a sin list and I take it with me to Church. I have also been falling constantly to porn and masturbation for eight years. And I have been taking medicine for intrusive thoughts. Now, I’m thinking about hastening my death and mutliating myself, despite knowing things contrary to that. I’ve stopped doing my devotions as I don’t think God hears the prayers of mortal sinners. I feel like I’m constantly on the road to hell and I’m destined for it. I just can’t stay on the straight and narrow for long.
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Please, do not give up the struggle!

Please do not despair, nor do yourself harm!

Try not to be discouraged. Some of the habits that we get ourselves into can be vicious, and may take a long time to beat. Yet, it still (by God’s grace) can be done.

I am not sure what all you have tried to help you deal with the temptations to impurity, but I can suggest a few things based on what has helped me (and advice that I have received from my confessor). Perhaps they will be of service to you also.
  1. If you haven’t already, I would suggest limiting (or perhaps, if the temptation is bad enough it may be necessary to eliminate entirely) your private access to the internet (since I presume this is where you are gaining access to the pornography – if you have any other sources like magazines or DVDs destroy them ASAP in the safest way possible). If you can’t get rid of it, have some software installed that will restrict you (this isn’t fool-proof, but it does make it harder to access bad stuff and therefore it is less tempting – remember the easier it is to do, the harder it will be to resist). If you have access to the internet on your phone, get rid of it and get one that can’t access the internet. I am serious about this, you can live without ready access to the internet, but you cannot expect to resist long in a near occasion of sin; you have to find a way to insulate yourself from constant temptation. Moreover, you may have to work to determine what other things are near occasions of sin for you (places you go, activities you engage in, people you know, things you watch etc) and cut out what you can.
  2. I have found that fasting helps a lot (though, don’t get carried away and harm your health or anything). Gluttony and Lust are both closely connected vices. If you get used to denying yourself some small lawful pleasures it will make it easier to resist the harder stuff. Also small “mortifications” as well can help (doing things that are less comfortable, or even mildly painful – again not to harm yourself, but to discipline yourself not to ‘need’ that which you desire.)
  3. Frequent the Sacraments (which it sounds like you are already). Try to confess to one confessor if you can (this can be hard, but I’m beginning to learn that this is an excellent thing to do); he will be able to not only give you better advice if you confess to him regularly, and he will also hold you accountable as well. Regular Communion too; don’t forget the graces that we’re given through the Sacraments! As Josie33 said above: “The Eucharist is your “medicine”. Trust in Jesus, He can heal you.”
  4. One of the other posters suggested the Angelic Warfare Confraternity. I second this, sign up with them as soon as you can and pray their prayers daily. Basically, they are a bunch of folks that do, or at least presumably have, struggled with the very thing you are struggling with. They pray for each other that they may be preserved in Chastity.
  5. You mustn’t neglect your prayers and devotions. I can assure you that it will be impossible to win the struggle and overcome the temptation without recourse to prayer. The more you struggle, the more you should pray. Pray the Rosary (which really helps me a lot). Pray it daily; pray it several times a day, whatever it takes! If you are tempted; pray. If you fall; pray harder, make a sincere Act of Contrition and confess as soon as you can. Try not to become despondent.
You mentioned being concerned about God not hearing your prayers because you are a sinner. Do not worry, unless you are being blasphemous, presumptuous or hypocritical (or something the like) then He will hear your prayer. Here is a bit from New Advent Catholic Encyclopedia on prayer:
  • “The just can pray, and sinners also. The opinion of Quesnel that the prayer of the sinned adds to his sin was condemned by Clement XI (Denzinger, 10 ed., n. 1409). Though there is no supernatural merit in the sinner’s prayer, it may be heard, and indeed he is obliged to make it just as before he sinned. No matter how hardened he may become in sin, he needs and is bound to pray to be delivered from it and from the temptations which beset him. His prayer could offend God only if it were hypocritical, or presumptuous, as if he should ask God to suffer him to continue in his evil course. ”*
People have overcome this before; many people, and so can you (if you don’t give up). It might take a long time, years even, but it can be done.
 
thestudentAD said:
I’ve stopped doing my devotions as I don’t think God hears the prayers of mortal sinners. I feel like I’m constantly on the road to hell and I’m destined for it. I just can’t stay on the straight and narrow for long.
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The Catechism of the Council of Trent (from the 1500s when things spoke more harshly) says that God hears the prayers of those in mortal sin:
The Second Degree Of Prayer: The Prayer Of Sinners
Another degree of prayer is that of those who are weighed down by the guilt of mortal sin, but who strive, with what is called dead faith, to raise themselves from their condition and to ascend to God. But, in consequence of their languid state and the extreme weakness of their faith, they cannot raise themselves from the earth. Recognising their crimes and stung with remorse of conscience, they bow themselves down with humility, and, far as they are removed from God, implore of Him with penitential sorrow, the pardon of their sins and the peace of reconciliation. The prayers of such persons are not rejected by God, but are heard by Him. Nay, in His mercy, He generously invites such as these to have recourse to Him, saying: Come to me, all you that labour, and are heavily laden, and I will refresh you, of this class was the publican, who, though he did not dare to raise his eyes towards heaven, left the Temple, as (our Lord) declares, more justified than the Pharisee.
 
On joining the confraternity: I should have mentioned that I have never been confirmed. 😦
 
On another note: Can a mortal sinner be heard when saying prayers for the Holy Souls in Purgatory? And what are some wholesome books? Usually, I’m a fiction (Military science fiction with Jrr Tolkien)
 
I have Eusebius’s History of the Church and St. Augustine’s City of God.
 
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