You aren’t alone! We’ve been married 29 years…porn/unmet sexual intimacy became an issue in the first year. I shouted…you pick these up more than me,…tossing mags on the bed. I’m hurt and lonely and get more alienation rejection when he gets angry and holds a grudge.
The disrespect doesn’t stop with the porn/masturbation. It escalates with the deflection, denial, and outright blame. Escalates further with trying to walk through those defenses to prove the reality of the issue, the repeated betrayal, and back and forth discussions, until they are arguments getting louder and louder, trying to hide disagreements from the kids no longer an option with each of you retreating to corners after the clash.
Over the years we have tried lots of ways to deal with this…1992 counseling joint, individual, 93 Christian marriage w/e, 94 Retrouvaille, 96 SA (?three years), years of stress counseling for me, intermittent anger management for him, 2012 marriage counseling, 2012 Retrouvaille again…
Suppressing my sexual needs became a way of survival. Along the way …I stopped worrying about him using porn because I was driving myself crazy with the seek and confront behavior. I avoided initiating sex…fearing denial or worse he’d aquiesse physically but be 1000 miles away…I’d feel sad and empty, worse than before I’d tried to connect with the man I love. I’d silently suffer knowing it was futile to mention the growing gap…I’d willingly offer myself each time he swore he was done… Along the way I knew my vagina was a replacement for the hand he swore off…again.
Our daughter was born in 1987 I was embarrassed ashamed and privately humiliated as my girlfriends were talking about their husbands reactions to postpartum Intimacy…(his problem had become mine and already affected my socially) they talked about anticipation, excitement, challenges with our new interlopers
taking priority over old freedoms…I cringed inside and kept quiet hoping my coming experience wouldn’t be another disappointment. I called him to share the good news and let him know I’d be waiting up, cleaned the house, fresh sheets, got baby fed and felt grateful her long sleep coincided with his 2nd shift arrival home, bathed, did hair, lotions, perfume and fell into a light doze waiting for him…woke to odd lights in hallway, then music to announce the betrayal…I quietly sobbed…nearly back to sleep “what are you crying about?” “I waited for you” turning my head to ignore his frustration that his actions didn’t go unnoticed…he never verbalized that frustration…he told me it was my fault…I was FAT. Yeah that didn’t go over real well.
When his job changed to traveling all week, the Friday tantrums as he walked in the door became the norm…further kicking the proverbial dog.
Now it’s my fault because I’m unavailable…excuse me…I’m done accepting blame for his problem. I’m no longer willing to offer my vagina as a substitute hand…because he’s ready now, after once again telling me its my fault, and I don’t understand.
No…now he can get help, I know it won’t kill him to not have sex…he can have a problem with my refusing to sexually gratify a man who doesn’t respect me or my needs …because we’re married. I’m not trying to punish him…I’m dealing with years of pain that won’t disappear no matter how much or how loudly he insists it ought to for his convenience, years of repeated betrayals in and out of the bedroom don’t disappear because he promises once again. It’s very simple…we both became very sick. I have become the passive aggressive personality I struggled with for so long. Whether our marriage survives or not…I choose to respect myself by reserving the most intimate thing I own for a respectful relationship. That won’t happen in a day, or a week.
Last year at marriage counseling I was plain…I’m done playing second fiddle. After Retrouvaille I became frustrated with the focus on all the ancillary issues while we still ignored the elephant in the room…sex. He isn’t ready to hear let alone acknowledge my feelings, I don’t know if he’ll ever be and that saddens me tremendously with the fear that as I acknowledge the feelings I suppressed with the physical desires I’ll accept that no matter how much he says he wants to change…he won’t. Its hard to hope, dream or plan a future when the person you are counting on, keeps squashing the hopes, dreams and plans by repeatedly betraying a core ingredient.
This has been a long road, I learned that no matter how busy or fulfilled I stayed with the children, and community involvement affirming me, I was still feeling a huge void at home. It looked pretty as long as I didn’t broach the taboo in any way…trying to deal with this I became a chameleon trying this and that until I didn’t know myself anymore. Avoiding my feelings, wishes and desires eventually led to total isolation as those hidden desires, wishes and feelings overwhelmed me to the point of not functioning. Another anti-depressant wont cure an unacceptable situation, but it would mask my feelings about it
I can’t tell you the right thing to do, or how to fix it, to stay or go…only that you aren’t alone.
