In-law and Morality issues

  • Thread starter Thread starter DoxieMama
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

DoxieMama

Guest
Hi all! I just became Catholic last year, and am so happy in the faith. As a result of this, I have worked hard on overcoming past sins, such as using the Lord’s name in vain and swearing. I do not consider myself a goody-goody, but I have tried to become more pleasing to God.
So, the in-law situation. My husband has 2 younger sisters. We’ve been married for 11 years, and I tried my hardest to get close to his sisters, but I’ve always felt like they’ve never really accepted me and we just never clicked. Over the years they have done hurtful or rude things, but I let them go for my husband’s sake, and so that his relationship wouldn’t be strained with his mother. My mother-in-law and I do have a good relationship.
So, his youngest sister is planning her wedding. We received the invitation yesterday, and I kid you not, in huge, pretty fancy letters, the invitation said, F*** Yeah, with an excerpt below of, “We’re getting married, etc.” They used the WHOLE " F" word on a wedding invitation (I just put in the asterisks myself above).
I called my husband about it, and said it bothered me. He said he was sorry I felt offended and asked if he should talk to his sister. I said no, I’d do it myself, and he was ok with that. I texted her this, “Got your wedding invite. I’m happy for you, but I hate the F word. Please do not send us anything with that word on it again.” She hasn’t texted me back.
I wondered if I did the right thing. One friend says yes, because I also have a small child who I don’t want seeing stuff like that. Another friend said I may have put up a wall with his family. But, I feel like there has always been a wall, and that I finally need to assert myself, especially when it comes to moral issues.
I was not trying to start drama, but as a Catholic, who also needs to be tolerant and charitable, DID I DO THE RIGHT THING? 🤷
Thanks!
 
Well, apart from the morality of using that word in any context, to use it on a wedding invitation was just plain crude, rude and totally unncessary, so you are right to feel offended by this.

And while you are right, and I agree it was disgusting and cheap, calling out you sil over it may not have been the wisest thing to do. Knowing what you do about her, it might have been better to ignore it, but not show it to your daughter, of course. Now your sil had ammunition to keep up her bad behavior towards you, perhaps even thinking she has a moral right to say whatever she wants no matter who it offends. And I don’t think you’d get her mother to agree with you because a mother is going to defend her daughter over her dil 99% of the time. 🤷

You can’t rescind your rebuke so you’re going to have to live with whatever reaction she may have, up to and including being disinvited to her wedding. I know you have morality on your side, but that’s not always enough, as odd as that might sound. We can’t change others attitudes/actions unless they are teachable, which she certainly doesn’t seem to be. I’d let it go and say nothing more about it, even if she wants to make an issue of it. Just treat her with love and give her to God. Really, there’s nothing else you can do. 🙂
 
I think it is totally appropriate to take that stand, and I think your wording was perfect. That is seriously disgusting and offensive, and lacking even a tiny bit of common sense - or just intensely rebellious. I’m assuming this is not the first time she has been crude around you, and if you have children, you have an obligation to protect them from some level of crudity/immorality, so for her to realize that this behavior is offensive to you, is a good thing. Whether it would be more prudent to have your husband do it because it is his sister, I’m not sure - I suppose the answer to that might be different depending on family dynamics.

Honestly, I’d probably be relieved to get disinvited from a wedding that had that type of an invitation - if it says “F—” on a wedding invitation, just imagine what other lovely things you might have to witness, or that your kids might be exposed to (if you have kids that are invited) at this event. Yikes. But it’s not asking too much to say, “don’t send me the F word,” and I’m sure there are plenty of people who aren’t super religious who wouldn’t want to receive stuff like that either. I would say it’s time for sister to grow up and realize that she should be respectful of other people. You certainly can’t make that happen, but it is appropriate for you to assert your right to be treated with respect, and to not receive F-bombs in the mail.

I’m a little confused by your description of your husband’s response - almost sounds as if he wasn’t bothered by the invitation himself. Either way, while I agree it is really good of you to try to not get between his relationship with his family by complaining too much, he is cleaved to you, and should be in your corner. Hopefully, if there is any backlash, or further strife, he will stick up for you. You certainly didn’t go looking for trouble, and he should defend his wife’s right to be respected.
 
I agree with your disgust and disapproval on social as well as moral grounds,ThyKingdomCome. I also believe that the sil needs to grow up. 🙂 However, knowing how she would react, it might have been wiser to simply ignore her and to block her email/tweet/twitter/FB, or whatever so no children be exposed to her bad behavior. That way she would have to mail an invitation–which would be less likely to contain such language (what respectable invitation card company would approve?). Or she’d have to phone and announce it ear to ear, and again be less likely to resort to shock and awe nonsense, which she no doubt thought very clever. :rolleyes: As for the wedding itself, there’s not likely to be anything crude during the ceremony itself, but they could always excuse themselves from the reception if they believe it would be inappropriate or leave their daughter home.

I’ve got a sil that lies, disinvites people to family events so she can have only the people there that she wants (and for the oddest reasons you’ll ever hear), and manipulates events so she can appear the victim. She’s emotionally unstable and unreliable. Telling her all this would only make her worse, sad to say. So, we put up with it for my brother’s sake. It’s a mnor cross to bear for the sake of charity. Not that it would be uncharitable to try to correct her–we’ve tried that. Knowing what we do about her, it’s simply not worth the hassle and the fall-out.
 
Thanks for your replies!

Della, she DID happen to MAIL it on an actual paper invitation. Yes, that’s right. So, I asked her not to send me stuff like that in the mail.

I have taken both posters views to heart. I appreciate it. Thank you!
 
ThyKingdomCome,

My husband thought the invitation was funny. But he has more of a crude sense of humor than I do. He works all day with men who talk like that. But, he supported by right to say something because I was offended. Thanks for your reply!
 
DoxieMama said:
Thanks for your replies!

Della, she DID happen to MAIL it on an actual paper invitation. Yes, that’s right. So, I asked her not to send me stuff like that in the mail.
Click to expand...
:eek: Unbelieveable! Of course, people can make their own invitations these days, can’t they. How crude and rude! :hypno:
I have taken both posters views to heart. I appreciate it. Thank you!
Click to expand...
It can be hard to understand how some people can be so crass and not understand how they affect others. And these days we’re just supposed to take it because no one is allowed to “judge” except those who think offending others is somehow okay. They have no morality and no consideration. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. All you can do is what seems right to you. That’s all any of us can do. 🙂
 
Della said:
Well, apart from the morality of using that word in any context, to use it on a wedding invitation was just plain crude, rude and totally unncessary, so you are right to feel offended by this.

And while you are right, and I agree it was disgusting and cheap, calling out you sil over it may not have been the wisest thing to do. Knowing what you do about her, it might have been better to ignore it, but not show it to your daughter, of course. Now your sil had ammunition to keep up her bad behavior towards you, perhaps even thinking she has a moral right to say whatever she wants no matter who it offends. And I don’t think you’d get her mother to agree with you because a mother is going to defend her daughter over her dil 99% of the time. 🤷

You can’t rescind your rebuke so you’re going to have to live with whatever reaction she may have, up to and including being disinvited to her wedding. I know you have morality on your side, but that’s not always enough, as odd as that might sound. We can’t change others attitudes/actions unless they are teachable, which she certainly doesn’t seem to be. I’d let it go and say nothing more about it, even if she wants to make an issue of it. Just treat her with love and give her to God. Really, there’s nothing else you can do. 🙂
Click to expand...
Della, I can never post after you because you post my thoughts! Get out of my head :rotfl:

ThyKingdomCom, it was the F word. They weren’t using the Lord’s name in vain for which the family upset caused by this rebuke would be warranted. Sometimes in the interests of peace, we need to bite our tongue and offer it up.
 
She’s free to be crude. You’re right to inform her that her actions are in bad taste. I applaud the OP because I think there should be negative social consequences for something so raunchy. If we stop standing up for decency, then our nation’s soul will wither.
 
DoxieMama said:
ThyKingdomCome,

My husband thought the invitation was funny. But he has more of a crude sense of humor than I do. He works all day with men who talk like that. But, he supported by right to say something because I was offended. Thanks for your reply!
Click to expand...
I’m no prude, and have had many jobs with men who talk like that - and I’ve used that language myself. But on a wedding invitation??? Thats just crude, rude, disrespectful, and not at all funny. Totally low class.
 
If I had been you, I would have thrown the invitation away, then when she called to express indignation that you had failed to RSVP, you could say, “Oh my, I assumed that was a joke or some cruel prank, so I just threw it out. I couldn’t imagine that the use of four-letter words on a formal invitation would be serious.”

If she is going to do her invitations that way, what will that say about the wedding? I’d be relieved that I may have an “out” on feeling obligated to attend.

(That said, I am a hopeless curmudgeon when it comes to these types of things. Etiquette rules exist for a reason.)
 
Many of you have mentioned an “out” to going to the wedding. I’ll admit, I don’t want to go. At this time, I do not know if I’m still invited or not. But, if I am, I think I should go just to maintain the peace.

OPINIONS WANTED HERE PLEASE…IF I am not invited anymore, should my husband take the stance that if I am no longer invited, he will not attend? I’ll admit, I would be hurt if he went anyway if I wasn’t invited, but that may ruin his relationship with his family. If he went, and I stayed home, I would want my little girl to stay with me (especially since he’s supposed to emcee the reception and wouldn’t be able to watch her.) Would that be wrong to my daughter to keep her home too?
 
Doxie, I think it was totally appropriate for you to contact your sister-in-law and let her know you don’t want that kind of stuff being sent to your home. From what you described, it’s not like she liked you and now will feel differently…she hasn’t treated you well in the past, correct? Therefore, nothing has really changed in that sad relationship.

You did what you felt needed to be done, and it didn’t sound like it was done in an unkind way. I would just carry on as if it hadn’t happened. You planted your seed, and need not say more. However, if she has the bad manners to NOT invite you to the wedding, your DH should NOT attend without you. If his wife is not invited and treated well, he should totally not be going either. I would be furious if my DH went without me in those circumstances.

Only giving you my take on this…you and DH should sit down and have a good discussion, and be on the same page if at all possible. Hopefully sister-in-law is just very immature, and will grow up and at some point you’ll be able to have at least a cordial relationship with her.
 
DoxieMama said:
Many of you have mentioned an “out” to going to the wedding. I’ll admit, I don’t want to go. At this time, I do not know if I’m still invited or not. But, if I am, I think I should go just to maintain the peace.

OPINIONS WANTED HERE PLEASE…IF I am not invited anymore, should my husband take the stance that if I am no longer invited, he will not attend? I’ll admit, I would be hurt if he went anyway if I wasn’t invited, but that may ruin his relationship with his family. If he went, and I stayed home, I would want my little girl to stay with me (especially since he’s supposed to emcee the reception and wouldn’t be able to watch her.) Would that be wrong to my daughter to keep her home too?
Click to expand...
My first question is, how are you going to find out that you have been uninvited? This is the kind of situation where many people would just assume that you “knew that” and would be additionally offended if you show up. At the same time, you have been invited - you received an invitation, presumably with an RSVP card. You can signal your intention on that at least well in advance so they can know to expect you or not. Rescinding an invitation is really rude. But then again, so is using the F-word on the invitation itself.

My second is, how is it “maintaining the peace” to allow rude people to continue to be rude to you?

My third is, is your husband emceeing the reception for pay or as a volunteer? If he has been hired he would have to figure out what the terms are of his arrangement to see if he can back out of that or not. IMO, though, married couples are invited as a couple. You would never invite just one half of a pair. If your husband is only doing the reception as a favor to his sister, and you have been uninvited or decide not to go, then he should not go, either. (And if he has a job for the reception, who is going to take care of your daughter if she goes and you don’t?)
 
Windmill said:
She’s free to be crude. You’re right to inform her that her actions are in bad taste. I applaud the OP because I think there should be negative social consequences for something so raunchy. If we stop standing up for decency, then our nation’s soul will wither.
Click to expand...
I totally agree! It is good to let someone know when they step so totally over the line.
 
Pax2u said:
From what you described, it’s not like she liked you and now will feel differently…she hasn’t treated you well in the past, correct? Therefore, nothing has really changed in that sad relationship.
Click to expand...
It’s a little confusing. I feel the relationship has been cordial, but not particularly warm.
 
pensmama87 said:
My first question is, how are you going to find out that you have been uninvited? This is the kind of situation where many people would just assume that you “knew that” and would be additionally offended if you show up. At the same time, you have been invited - you received an invitation, presumably with an RSVP card. You can signal your intention on that at least well in advance so they can know to expect you or not. Rescinding an invitation is really rude. But then again, so is using the F-word on the invitation itself.

My second is, how is it “maintaining the peace” to allow rude people to continue to be rude to you?

My third is, is your husband emceeing the reception for pay or as a volunteer? If he has been hired he would have to figure out what the terms are of his arrangement to see if he can back out of that or not. IMO, though, married couples are invited as a couple. You would never invite just one half of a pair. If your husband is only doing the reception as a favor to his sister, and you have been uninvited or decide not to go, then he should not go, either. (And if he has a job for the reception, who is going to take care of your daughter if she goes and you don’t?)
Click to expand...
As for the first question, you’re right! I don’t know how I would know. I would assume she would tell my husband. Second question, what I probably should’ve said instead of maintaining the peace was not rocking the boat. I feel they have been cordial enough with me out of respect for their brother, but our relationship is not close. She is an overall rude person, not just to me. She uses people and she obviously lacks manners. Third, my SIL asked my husband to emcee her wedding.(She seems to only speak to him when she wants something, btw). No money involved. I guess only time will tell what’s going to happen. The wedding is at the end of August.
 
No one does something like that without knowing exactly how it will be received. She was going for shock value, and, unfortunately, you let her know she accomplished her aim. Personally, I think it would have been more effective to ignore it entirely. In my house, it would have hit the shredder before it was fully out of the envelope. People do offensive things because they want to offend you. Refusing to acknowledge the offense takes the wind out of their sails.

I’d accept the invitation and let the ball lie in her court. If she disinvites you, of course your DH should not attend. It’s a pretty basic rule of etiquette that married couples. **must **be invited to social events as a couple. If your invitation is rescinded, it is just logical to assume that his is also.

And I would not bring my DD to this wedding under any circumstances. The less time she spends with crude people like this, the better; you can’t be sure there won’t be repercussions, especially when people have been drinking; and, if there are none, you can just relax and enjoy yourself with your DH and get a little break from your mommy duties.
 
Book_Worm said:
No one does something like that without knowing exactly how it will be received. She was going for shock value, and, unfortunately, you let her know she accomplished her aim. Personally, I think it would have been more effective to ignore it entirely. In my house, it would have hit the shredder before it was fully out of the envelope. People do offensive things because they want to offend you. Refusing to acknowledge the offense takes the wind out of their sails.
Click to expand...
This.

Noting that if you feel something ought to be said in such situations, ask your husband to address it with her. This is IMO the best approach regarding in-law relations; each person handles issues with their family and shields their spouse as much as possible.
Book_Worm said:
I’d accept the invitation and let the ball lie in her court. If she disinvites you, of course your DH should not attend. It’s a pretty basic rule of etiquette that married couples. **must **be invited to social events as a couple. If your invitation is rescinded, it is just logical to assume that his is also.
Click to expand...
This.

Noting that I see no reason to think or expect that you are or will be uninvited. Carry on as usual.
Book_Worm said:
And I would not bring my DD to this wedding under any circumstances. The less time she spends with crude people like this, the better; you can’t be sure there won’t be repercussions, especially when people have been drinking; and, if there are none, you can just relax and enjoy yourself with your DH and get a little break from your mommy duties.
Click to expand...
and this.
 
I think you should have told your husband, “Yes, you absolutely better talk to her!” If my sister did something like this, I wouldn’t expect my husband to confront her.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top