In-law baggage

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Aaron_H_1983

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I have been married for almost two years now. My in laws are god fearing, and very active in the Catholic church. My upbringing though, is completely different from their ways and family life. It has been taking a toll on me for quite sometime. A couple examples between my family and theirs…within their family there is always DRAMA with one of their son’s, and they never hold them to any accountability. They say one thing and never act on it. As much as I hate to say this, they “baby” them to a certain extent. And they are in their late 20s and early 30s. Another thing, our home is blocks away from theirs, many family members also live close by. I feel as if that is somewhat holding my wife and kids and I from establishing our own identity and independance. It is very hard to not be at their home because they watch our two kids while we are at work. Don’t get me wrong…it is not a nightmare situation, they have been there for me many times, I’m not saying I’m better than them, my family and I do our own things by ourselves, but I feel that this is “baggage” that is being placed on me just by being associated with all of this. It puts me in a stressful bad mood. I find it hard to talk to my wife about this because it is her family. Recently I spoke to a close spiritual advisor about this, and the lord lifted the fog on a lot of this. Since then I have begun to “cut the fat” out of my life. As cut and dry as it may sound, other than pray for my in laws daily, I could care less on what they are doing or not doing, or what happens to their sons. I have been and will always be cordial with them, but I have a family to lead, and another baby on the way. Money is getting even tighter. Distractions must be deleted for the sake of my family. I can’t afford to have this weight on my marriage. Any analysis of this situation would help me greatly. Thanks.
 
My dad had several issues with my mother’s parents therefore when they decided to purchase a house, they bought a house that was close enough to visit easily but difficult for someone to visit daily. He bought a house about 45 minutes away from his in-laws which worked out well because it gave them the space they needed.

If you can afford it, moving a little away from them might help the situation. You can gain a little more independence without the drama. (Provided they don’t give you hassles about the move) Plus with the baby on the way, you can use it as an excuse because you need more space for the growing family. They can be close enough to watch the kids but far enough to give you the space you need.
 
We all have families to deal with, and yes inlaws if we’re married.

I think one of the keys to coping is recognising that your can’t change other people, only yourself. There is no point being frustrated with other people, just focus on what you can control (and protecting your family if required). Focus specifically on matters that relate to you (how they treat you, your wife, and your children), but don’t focus on matters that don’t involve you (eg how they treat their sons).

If you’ve been married about two years, I’d say you’re still learning how each others families work, and don’t work. Don’t get too frustrated with this, just give it time. After a few more years, you’ll be more used to it and know how you can work within it.
 
SecretGarden said:
My dad had several issues with my mother’s parents therefore when they decided to purchase a house, they bought a house that was close enough to visit easily but difficult for someone to visit daily. He bought a house about 45 minutes away from his in-laws which worked out well because it gave them the space they needed.

If you can afford it, moving a little away from them might help the situation. You can gain a little more independence without the drama. (Provided they don’t give you hassles about the move) Plus with the baby on the way, you can use it as an excuse because you need more space for the growing family. They can be close enough to watch the kids but far enough to give you the space you need.
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Thanks secret garden. It is my wish that we could move to a new home right now, out of the same neighborhood. But financially we are living paycheck to paycheck. We still have faith though that one day this could happen. Keep us in your prayers.
 
Sometimes things can get “lost in translation” on the internet. That’s especially true when the person writing them is upset and it sure sounds like you are upset. I hope I haven’t misunderstood you. It sounds to me like:

-You are upset with your in-laws for not holding one son in particular accountable for his actions. and for “babying” their sons in general. We may not agree with someone’s parenting methods, but unless it’s affecting your wife or you personally, then I don’t think I understand your cause for alarm. Can you give an example of an action they took in this regard and explain why it upset you?

-You mention living close to family members and you say that it is keeping you from “establishing your own identity.” What do you mean by that?

-You mention that the in-laws babysit for your children, and that seems to bother you… but I don’t think you explained why it bothers you. From the outside looking in, getting (free?) babysitting from my in-laws would be a blessing. Certainly better than leaving them with strangers, in my opinion. Plus, the kids get to establish a relationship with their grandparents. Can you explain why it bothers you?

-“Distractions must be deleted for the sake of my family.” ← What distractions? The distraction of having your kids watched during the workweek by your wife’s parents? The fact that your wife’s parents “baby” their own sons? :confused:

-“I can’t afford to have this weight on my marriage.” ← What weight?

You said you find it tough to talk to your wife about her parents. I hate to be harsh but if you’re trying to cut ties with them, it’s very concerning to me that you haven’t been talking to your wife more. These are her parents, it’s kind of… a big deal.
 
Hi, Aaron…I saw another poster asked you quite a few good questions. I looked at your post a different way and kind of read between the lines. I think what you are saying (correct me if I’m wrong) is that, being so socially as well as physically close to your in-laws is kind of draining you. Right? Especially when you are sort of at the beginning of “growing your family”. You and your wife (and children) need to become a tight unit and being involved with the in-laws so frequently takes energy away from that task.

I agree with the other poster who said to try to move physically farther away from the in-laws, so there is not so much opportunity to tune-in to their everyday dramas. But, since finances are tight and that isn’t going to happen right away, how about move farther away in how you live your lives and what your own family does with its free time? Get some schedules going…when you go to church and where, social events with other young couples, physical fitness and recreation activities for just you and for you + your family. And, maybe schedule when and how much social time you want to spend with the in-laws…then, stick to your schedule. They’re your in-laws…you’re going to have to love 'em, but doesn’t mean you have to hang with them all the time.
 
Well OP, I hope that some day you know how blessed you and your family are, and appreciate the wonderful gift of family you have.

“Independence from family” is a worldly value, a false value. Getting along with family, being interdependent, and treasuring each other are true values. If only you knew how many people would love to be in your shoes. If only you knew how many people feel lonely, painfully isolated, unloved, because they don’t have their extended families nearby, or involved in their lives.

Yes, your wife and children are your priorities, after God, and it might be a juggling act occasionally, but again, you just don’t know how fortunate you are.
 
Aaron_H_1983 said:
I have been married for almost two years now. My in laws are god fearing, and very active in the Catholic church. My upbringing though, is completely different from their ways and family life. It has been taking a toll on me for quite sometime. A couple examples between my family and theirs…within their family there is always DRAMA with one of their son’s, and they never hold them to any accountability. They say one thing and never act on it. As much as I hate to say this, they “baby” them to a certain extent. And they are in their late 20s and early 30s. Another thing, our home is blocks away from theirs, many family members also live close by. I feel as if that is somewhat holding my wife and kids and I from establishing our own identity and independance. It is very hard to not be at their home because they watch our two kids while we are at work. Don’t get me wrong…it is not a nightmare situation, they have been there for me many times, I’m not saying I’m better than them, my family and I do our own things by ourselves, but I feel that this is “baggage” that is being placed on me just by being associated with all of this. It puts me in a stressful bad mood. I find it hard to talk to my wife about this because it is her family. Recently I spoke to a close spiritual advisor about this, and the lord lifted the fog on a lot of this. Since then I have begun to “cut the fat” out of my life. As cut and dry as it may sound, other than pray for my in laws daily, I could care less on what they are doing or not doing, or what happens to their sons. I have been and will always be cordial with them, but I have a family to lead, and another baby on the way. Money is getting even tighter. Distractions must be deleted for the sake of my family. I can’t afford to have this weight on my marriage. Any analysis of this situation would help me greatly. Thanks.
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Frankly, I don’t see how you could handle the situation any better! They are your wife’s parents–and remember, they must be at least half capable of half way raising kids well–they raised your wife, right? Your wife loves them and may never see their faults in the same light that you do, Even if she does, she may not want to take her parents on over the issue–and unless she has expressed her annoyance with them too–I’m not sure it would be fair to insist that she must be the “heavy” and confront them. As a woman, I know if my husband laid such a thing on me, I’d be a little put out to put it mildly! If the family is into drama and it bothers you, simply don’t allow yourself to be drug into it. If they are in your home and start in on a subject that you know will end up in disharmony, politely change the subject or excuse yourself and go to another room for awhile or leave. If you’re in their home, you can try the same approach. If they don’t get the hint and change their behavior however— it is THEIR home not yours! If living so close to them is an issue–then decide either to move or to accept their behavior. And above all, as long as you are using their services, such as by them baby sitting your kids—there’s another roadblock in getting your point across right there. I mean one way to limit contact would be to not have to drop off or pick up your kids there at their home daily! So it really boils down to how much they annoy you and how far you are willing to go to distance yourself from the situation.👍
 
You may want to read Boundaries, When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Charge of Your Life, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. You probably can borrow the book and the book on audio at the public library.

It may help you to realize why and how her family of origin is a point of discomfort to you and how together (or by yourself) you can become at peace in setting your boundaries for their role in your life.

(also Boundaries in Marriage by the same authors)

I invite you and your dear wife to a Worldwide Marriage Encounter Weekend. The weekends are designed to help couples make good marriages into great marriages, by giving couples tools to use in their marriage. ❤️

One tool is communicating with each other so you understand the other one. WWME might be something helpful with the stress her family of origin causes you. The weekend is not counseling. It is a very private weekend. You only share about your marriage with your spouse - no one else.

wwme.org/

May God give you and your dear bride the graces for strength and unity in your marriage.
 
Your duty is to your wife, not her parents.

Show them the respect they deserve as her parents, whether they really deserve it or not.

You don’t have to agree with them, neither do you have to argue with them. It’s not your job to try to convince them of anything or to try to change them or even to give them unsolicited advice. Although they may do all of these things to you. Just smile and pray for them.

I’ll pray for you and your marriage.
 
I’m going to guess writing that probably helped you.

I’m going to guess you live in the USA where for some reason ‘kids’ don’t have to grow up timely, they can take their 20’s to blow off with the help of the nanny state.

Also where parents have set society in front of themselves as leaders and guides for their own children.

This is the result with regard to these 30 something children. Look at the selfishness in society as a whole. Parents don’t say ‘no’ anymore, it’s been a 30+ year process to wipe our parenting.

I don’t like to use the word, but I HATE dramma, so I feel for you.

One thing is to be patient. Have in your head, the first 5 years could be extremely close contact. Sets a foundation so you don’t go nuts in 2.
 
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