In-law differences

[irisheyes17]

In my last post I was explaining that me and my fiance had planned to have a church wedding and when I told my MIL she was very upset. Since this happened everything has been fine between us but no words about the church wedding. Last night my future SIL made a comment about someone being catholic and that they’re not a “real christian”. She said Catholic’s are fake christians. She has said things like this to me before and so has MIL. Always little comments that really hurt. I find this to be extremely hurtful because like I explained in my last post I really do love my future family with all my heart. However they know I have chosen to raise my son catholic, he was baptized 2 years ago. They know I was raised that way by my grandmother who was my true mother to me and has passed away and they also know that my fiance has started attending mass with me for the past few months. I know I must say something when these things are said but I always clam up and am just shocked by the words coming out of their mouth. They are protestant and I would never in a million years make commentary about their religion. I know how truly hurtful that is. I feel like at this point it comes down to respect and I know I have to open my mouth and tell them how much these little digs really are effecting me. I know they are not trying to be mean when doing so. They truly believe the catholic church is some evil anti christ institution which of course it is NOT. There is no point in me defending anything about the church because I have in the past and they do not want to hear it. I just think I deserve a certain amount of respect towards them saying things like this. I feel like I should say something along the lines of “I don’t want to offend you and I really love you guys so much but I find it very hurtful when things are said about catholics or me being catholic. I ask that you just don’t say these things in front of me. I respect you and your religion and we all love Jesus so I hope we can put this behind us and no longer focus on it.” I am searching for the right time to say this. In my past post many of you suggested my fiance speak to his family and also for us to try and write a letter to them. I feel like it really does have to come from me since they don’t make these comments to my fiance…only me. However the letter idea could work as well. Right now I am just looking for prayers and more advice. I hate letting this kind of thing get to me and besides my fiance I truly don’t have any family from my side or friends to vent to. So thanks for hearing me out and please say a prayer that I find the right words to say at the right time.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

You need to set boundaries with these people. Are you saying that your future husband has refused to defend you because these attacks don’t happen when he is present? What does that say about his commitment to you?

 

[agnes_therese]

I know I must say something when these things are said but I always clam up and am just shocked by the words coming out of their mouth. They are protestant and I would never in a million years make commentary about their religion. I know how truly hurtful that is. I feel like at this point it comes down to respect and I know I have to open my mouth and tell them how much these little digs really are effecting me.

Actually, it’s your fiance who needs to tell his family that they will respect his future wife. He needs to be firm, and if they continue, he has to tell them that you (both!) will have to limit contact with them. He cannot tolerate this treatment of you.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You need to set boundaries with these people. Are you saying that your future husband has refused to defend you because these attacks don’t happen when he is present? What does that say about his commitment to you?

I would think long and had before marrying a man who is reluctant to defend you to his family.

 

[bisco]

i’m confused. you have a son, but you’re not married yet?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

i’m confused. you have a son, but you’re not married yet?

Where’s the confusion?

 

[irisheyes17]

i’m confused. you have a son, but you’re not married yet?

I’m not sure whats confusing you. If you follow my past posts I have posted my coming home catholic story. I had many horrible things happen in my life and fell away from the church at 13. I came back recently and my fiance is in RCIA to become catholic. Our son was baptized catholic as well. It may not be the traditional way but we are trying to do right by God and will be married in the church this coming year.

 

[irisheyes17]

Dear IrishEyes17,

I think this is going to take many prayers and much soul searching on your part to come to grips with this family. I know in your heart you long and hope for a beautiful family that will love and accept your Catholic faith and that you can all get along reasonably. I think you will at some point have to accept that this is NOT that family, at least not now anyway, perhaps some time in the future after some years but clearly not now but I think you know that it is just too painful to face I know that it is so hard.

If you had a Jewish person sitting across the table from you and you made an insult about Judiasm, would you expect them to be insulted? Bottom line I believe this family probably knows you are insulted but a part of you longs so deeply to be loved and accepted so you are overlooking some of their bad behavior. I understand that this situation is awkward, makes you feel uncomfortable, that you feel uneasy about confrontation and all of those things. I understand that deep down you want an intact family and that you want a family to accept your Catholic faith life and your marriage however first and foremost I believe is that you need to see this for what it is. Dear one these people are insulting your faith in a horrible way.

Your sister-in-law telling you that you are a fake Christian to your face is not a “little comment.” I read and re-read your post and you seem to really be minimizing the way that your future family is totally insulting you right to your face and not apologizing for it. You are even defending them in your post and claiming that they don’t mean to hurt you but I wonder deep down do you believe that?

People who love each other don’t do things like that. You can write your future family a letter, it is not a bad idea. However please know that they might not change and that is something that you need to prepare your heart for. There is a saying “When people show you who they are; believe them.” and it is true.

Facing this problem honestly will help you I promise. If you seek a loving relationship from people that are not capable of a loving honest relationship you will be let down. You might have to have a relationship with your in-laws where you gather for coffee and talk about the weather occasionally because other topics are too “touchy.” That is okay! It is good to recognize our limits as human beings and take what we can get until we are ready to dig deeper!

Everything you said is right. Sometime’s I need a true voice of reason and that is why I posted here again. Thank you for taking the time out to reply to me. I’m working very hard on dealing with all of these issues.

 

[irisheyes17]

Where’s the confusion?

I understand how it sounds but every situation is different. My fiance has always had difficulty speaking with his family, he feels like he can not get a word in edge wise. He suffers greatly from confidence and social anxiety. I really do understand how he feels because I feel the same way. However his anxiety is much worse then mine.

 

[agnes_therese]

I understand how it sounds but every situation is different. My fiance has always had difficulty speaking with his family, he feels like he can not get a word in edge wise. He suffers greatly from confidence and social anxiety. I really do understand how he feels because I feel the same way. However his anxiety is much worse then mine.

If he cannot/will not defend you to his family, then you need to agree that the two of you will have very limited contact with them. If he can’t/won’t do that either, you need to think long and hard about what your marriage will be like. Your in-laws will treat you both like this for the rest of your lives. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but that’s what you’re facing.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I understand how it sounds but every situation is different. My fiance has always had difficulty speaking with his family, he feels like he can not get a word in edge wise. He suffers greatly from confidence and social anxiety. I really do understand how he feels because I feel the same way. However his anxiety is much worse then mine.

It is one thing to be supportive of your fiancée’s anxiety, it is another to make excuses for him. If he can not man up and defend you to his family, it will not be a very happy marriage for you

Angie

 

[bisco]

I’m not sure whats confusing you. If you follow my past posts I have posted my coming home catholic story. I had many horrible things happen in my life and fell away from the church at 13. I came back recently and my fiance is in RCIA to become catholic. Our son was baptized catholic as well. It may not be the traditional way but we are trying to do right by God and will be married in the church this coming year.

thanks, i haven’t seen your past posts.

 

[underacloud]

I feel like I should say something along the lines of “I don’t want to offend you and I really love you guys so much but I find it very hurtful when things are said about catholics or me being catholic. I ask that you just don’t say these things in front of me. I respect you and your religion and we all love Jesus so I hope we can put this behind us and no longer focus on it.”

I would say something like this.

But more bluntly.

And do not forget to include your son - ie - “I ask that you just don’t say these things in front of me OR MY SON”.

Make it clear that you will not tollerate them putting down your faith in front of him. You are raising him Catholic and thus need to protect him from anti-Catholic attitudes during his formative years.

And I thoroughly agree with all posters so far who say your fiance needs to step up. You should talk to him about this. If he cannot or will not protect you from his family, you should be very aware of this before you enter a marriage with him. You and he will need to have, as Monicad discussed, a concrete plan to deal with this. If his anxiety limits his capacity to be firm with his family, your plan will need to accommodate that limitation.

 

[irisheyes17]

Exactly!

…Furthermore, when you make it CLEAR you need to be specific to be fair to yourselves and to his family. “I don’t care for negativity in front of my son” sounds wonderful but is completely vague and meaningless. “If you ridicule my faith once I will give you a polite warning that I wish to change the subject; if you do it a second time I will quietly get up and leave.” is 100% clear and stick to it…

You don’t need to come out guns-a-blazing, you can do this quietly, politely, and from the perspective that you are doing it in the interest of family peace and that you don’t want your son to hear negative things so it is probably best if you remove your family from the situation. However you already know that your fiancé’s family isn’t going to like your letter if that is your approach, you can see that coming. No matter how many times you write it, no matter how many times you try and use nice words you know they are gong to not like it. Why? Because they hate your perspective, they hate your religion, and any attempt to defend your stupid faith is a JOKE to them that’s why. You may as well be a member of the Flat-Earth-Society trying to defend to them that the Earth isn’t round and trying to gain their respect, it isn’t likely as in many ways you are a laughing stock to them. I am so sorry you are going through all of this, please be assured of my prayers, do the best you can, you will be fine Jesus is with you!

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Really can’t thank you enough for your kind words. Especially your ending words that Jesus is truly with me. I am working so hard on knowing and realizing that no matter this outcome Jesus is with me and will be happy that I stood up for my family’s faith. It is so beyond disrespectful the more I think about it and is really an insult to my grandmother who has passed away. I am close to his family and they all know very well my grandmother raised me this way and was my primary parent. She passed when I was just 13 and it would be her wishes that I stay with the true church and raise our children that way. I can’t allow for them to put down my faith anymore wether they think it is for the best or not.