In-Law doesnt want to give blessing for Fiancee to marry me

[Bluesfan19]

My fiancee and I have been dating for over a year (1 year and 2 months) and we have been engaged for 5 months (Since August 2019). So back in June I was thinking about proposing to my fiancee and i wanted to get her mother’s blessing, so she said I would wait longer. I told her I believe she will be ready to get married in August and she said I don’t know about that. I the man believe that I should be able to decide whether or not to propose to my fiancee or not. Anyways, my fiancee was ok with it and I surprised her and proposed in the middle of August. She said yes and our engagement began. Her mother okayed it and we were fine. Flash forward to October we had set our wedding date for November of this year (2020) and her mother was ok with that. We wanted to book the reception after the holidays here recently so I honored her wishes and waited until 2 days ago. My fiancee and I approached her and were going to try to book the reception place and now her mother is up in arms why my fiancee is getting married. She believes that I am the one for her, but she literally says she doesn’t know if my fiancee is ready. My fiancee and I know we are ready and she literally told her mother with me there that she is ready. Her mother doesnt believe her and says “You lack life experience” Yet she is willing to do anything and is confident in her decision. I am at a loss because her mother gives reasons like, she is lacking emotional I can’t remember the word but I believe that she is ready and she does too. We want to get married no matter what but she doesnt want to hurt her mother and I understand that because they are close and it will affect their relationship. I care about her mother’s blessing just as much and her mother wants us to push our wedding back for her own benefit believing my fiancee and I are not ready. 5 months into our engagemnet we feel like we could get married at this moment. I am at a loss at what to do and so is my fiancee. We just want her to respect my fiancee and I’s decision to get married. What can we do? Any suggestions? We pray daily and I have taken every situation to prayer and I feel like it is God’s calling to be married to her and she feels the same way.

 

[ahs]

Who are you marrying? Your fiancé, or her mother? The answer to that question is the person whose opinions matter in regard to your wedding, the reception, etc.

 

[Anicette]

Just me, but you don’t know each other for a long time. A lot can changed in your relationship, and maybe wait more time would be better.

But at the end, you marry her, and you don’t need a mother’s blessing to do so. And you cannot force a blessing. How you would live your marriage in a holy way and grow old together in happiness would be enough to answer a mother’s prayer.

 

[1ke]

You do NOT need a parent’s “blessing” to get married. I would have advised going down that path to begin with. As adults, you decide together when to get married.

Talk to your pastor. Your fiancée is going to have to stand up to her mother and tell her when the wedding is and that’s final.

 

[AdamP88]

I am at a loss at what to do and so is my fiancee.

Do what you both, as adults, want to do.

Respectfully, this is not the mother’s decision. She is overstepping her authority and realistically, if you let her have her way in this it will set a precedent for your marriage and you will probably find that she interferes in other areas too.

My father gave me a good piece of advice before my own wedding. He said: At the end of the day, it’s your wedding, you’re paying for it. Other people will give their opinion, but you should just do what you want in the end.

 

[Legend]

Is there any reason why your fiancée’s mom would go back on her word? Is she of another religion? Has she ever tried to insist that her daughter date other Men, after the time you announced your engagement?

It’s natural, and usually healthy that mothers and daughters bond, when the daughter gets married. It gets even stronger , circumstances depending, when each Child is born. How far away from her parents are you planning to move?

Healthy, close, relationships between mothers and daughters can usually be maintained at a distance, but, if your future mil doesn’t like phones, and/or, is computer illiterate, this may make it very difficult for her. How does your fiancée feel about this?

Also, I found from a quick look at your posting history. I gather that you are 27, or will be, soon. But, I really can’t give any advice until you share your fiancée’s age, in general terms, of course, i.e.late teens, early, mid or late twenties. I also read that you were using online dating sites, and some gave you trouble. Did you meet this woman thru one of these sites? Have you actually met her family, face-to-face? I know such relationships can work, but just be careful!

 

[Cruciferi]

My fiancee and I know we are ready and she literally told her mother with me there that she is ready.

Then you’re ready.

We want to get married no matter what but she doesnt want to hurt her mother and I understand that because they are close and it will affect their relationship.

You and your fiancee need to be on the same page. You cannot have her mother dictating your marriage.

I am at a loss at what to do and so is my fiancee.

You’re both adults, this is your decision to make together. Please, speak with the Priest.

We just want her to respect my fiancee and I’s decision to get married.

You can’t force her to respect either of you. Don’t expect her to change.

 

[CoffeeCatholic]

I found myself asking the same questions as the other posters… wondering your age first and foremost. I was guessing from your post that you were really young (like, 19) but another poster said they read your posting history and you are 27. If you are 19 and she is also 18 or 19, there might be some merit to her mother wanting her to wait a bit. But if you are both closer to 27, then it seems as though her Mom is holding on a little too tight.

One poster had a quote from his father that “it’s your wedding, you’re paying for it” and again, that may be relevant… you didn’t say if you were paying for it or if the brides family was following tradition and paying for it?

Maybe culture plays into this? Not sure if either of you are from other cultures where a parent has strong influence over the daughter and whether or not she can marry… lots of questions!

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I’m presuming you and your fiancee are both adults and not financially dependent on parents or planning to be after marriage. If my presumptions are correct, then it’s not the parents’ decision whether you two get married.

If your fiancee does not want to get married until Mom decides she’s ready, then maybe it’s time for you to lay down the ultimatum and say, “You can stay with your Mom or you can come be my wife, your choice, but don’t expect me to wait around because I am ready now.”

 

[Anicette]

I’m presuming you and your fiancee are both adults and not financially dependent on parents or planning to be after marriage. If my presumptions are correct, then it’s not the parents’ decision whether you two get married.

And even if they were financially dependant from their parents, as long as they both adults, of a resonnable age, and at least one work or earn money in a way or another, they can get married.

 

[Irishmom2]

If your girlfriend is about the same age as you are, she needs to make up her own mind. Your girlfriend is ready to marry when she is able to make the decision on her own, regardless of her mother’s opinion.

 

[libbeylu]

Wait! Something does not seem valid…seems that the mother and the daughter have been talking without your presence…Do not make a commitment that you may regret later…let the dust settle and rethink your responsibility here…you proposed and she accepted…but the mother is not in agreement and now the daughter is not sure…get the ring back and move on! This is a sure sign that this is not meant to be…

 

[Anicette]

get the ring back and move on! This is a sure sign that this is not meant to be…

You go on the extreme. You do not met very often in life people who are compatible with us for life.
Moove on to go where?

But yes, I agree that maybe the fiancée said something to her mother that make her said she maybe unready, or afraid to make such commitment.

It can be only fear, that may be very common but even if it that, it need to be dig and explore. They should have an honest discussion, and involved the priest that would marry us or a marital conselor if needed. Postpone marriage may be or not necessary.

 

[Psalm30]

The biggest issue here is that your fiancée is more concerned with what her mother thinks and wants than she is with you. You are her priority now, not her mother. If she can’t stand up to her mother and put you first, I’d suggest you put marriage plans on hold until she is ready to leave and cleave.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Who is picking up the tab? If you are expecting your MIL-to-be to pay for an extravaganza, then you will need to come to a peaceable solution.

If you two are paying yourselves, then simply out of respect you may want to smooth the feathers.

As you begin your marriage prep with your pastor, after you have had a couple of meetings (if your parish uses the FOCUS test, after it is analyzed), have a meeting with priest that includes MIL to be.

After that, act as independent adults “mom, we want to include you as we plan this special day, however, if you are going to disrespect our autonomy, we will not be able to include you in (insert one of those fun things, picking out bridesmaid dresses or cakes).”

Also, remember, break your posts into paragraphs. Big wall of text is difficult to read!

 

[libbeylu]

Extreme?..compatible with us for life?..relationships are built not on love only but trust as well! This relationship as described, is between three people…the man, the woman, and the mother…interference makes it difficult for any relationship to work especially if there is doubt…I support the guy’s effort in trying to marry his fiancee, however, there seems to be unpredictable circumstances with the mother’s. Going to a priest would be advisable and probably helpful, however, daughters do consider their mother’s advice…Maybe Bluesfan19 should go to a Priest solo. Just don’t rush into a situation…

 

[Psalm30]

This is a sure sign that this is not meant to be…

I’m not sure I would go as far to say it’s absolutely not meant to be, at least not without more information. I do, however, have a very low tolerance for grown adults who allow their parents to interfere in their relationships with their spouses. The way the fiancée is acting now is setting the tone for how the marriage will be. If this indeed how it’s going to be, I would advise the OP to reconsider, because a life with a wife who consistently caters to her mother at the expense of her husband is not going to be a happy life/marriage. But, once again, the information we are getting about the situation is limited. The OP needs help from a priest and marriage counselor.

 

[libbeylu]

I agree with you! It is sad when some just rush into a marriage and realize that it is and will not work…marriage can be expensive but a divorce…ugh…hate that word!..can be very expensive and very hurtful!

 

[Norseman82]

How old are you and where do you live? Is your fiancée from a culture where getting the parents’ permission is customary?

 

[Busyfather]

Who is picking up the tab? If you are expecting your MIL-to-be to pay for an extravaganza, then you will need to come to a peaceable solution.

If you two are paying yourselves, then simply out of respect you may want to smooth the feathers.

This unfortunately can be something parents can hold over childrens’ heads for a long time. Young couples to be wed might not have the ability to pay for the kind of wedding they want. It’s certainly common for parents to help if not outright foot the bill for the celebration with some stipulation. This can be minor like absolutely wanting to be part of the wedding dress shopping or something major like this particular situation.

There really is no defining end, aside from death, that we stop trying to please our parents. For example, my parents contribute heavily to my young childrens’ future education trusts and while not outright saying it, my mother has hinted heavily that she does not want to see her young grandchildren on the back of a street legal motorcycle as my brother and I both ride a bit and she sees that as dangerous. Bro and I don’t need to taunt mom about what the repercussions might be if we did take the kids for a ride, it would be counter productive, insulting . Ultimately we don’t want our kids on a street bike either with all those learning or forgetting how to drive four wheels with near zero accountability for destroying someone else’s life because facebook happened to be more important than piloting a 4000lb weapon at just the right time.

Mom is 65, her mom is 85 and still guilts mom into doing what she seems fit despite how ludicrous her request might be and this has nothing to do with control over money. It has a lot to do with mom promising grandpa on his deathbed she would take care of grandma as needed in the future. Grandma fighting early stage dementia is really taking a toll on everyone as she’s not yet mentally incompetent but she plays like it pretty hard at the most inopportune times.

While a soon to be husband and wife have to step more carefully around parents and in-laws than a well heeled couple married for 40+ year would have to be, we never stop trying to keep our parents happy.