In-law issues...

[AClaire11]

I was thinking more on the lines of not even talking about it, and if mil brings up why the op and husband are not interacting with sis, just say she’s rude and did not aplogise…then whatever excuse they have, that the op say -thank you for for sharing that, but we’ve got this…iow- myob, or whatever you say will not change things–they can push all they want, and I would still thank them for sharing thier opinions, but not change my lack of interaction with sil. It has gone on long enough.

I would change the subject everytime…the choice is then thiers-give up or tell sil to apologize.

Hardball is needed, and sometimes the less u say is better, especially if this has been discussed ad nauseum. It’s time to act and,stop letting them steal peace. I would shut them down. I would not feed this at all with deep emotional talking…it will further aggravate the op when sil still does not change.

Except we’ve been trying that for years and it hasn’t worked and this latest family event has escalated the situation. It’s time to be direct and see if we even have a prayer of having a good, healthy relationship with them.

 

[1ke]

As it is now, she texts us every day and my husband talks on the phone with her a few times a week.

In my world, that’s excessive.

So, my advice is that just because the phone rings, you don’t have to answer it. Just because someone texts, you don’t have to respond.

Back it down. Respond on your own terms.

Instant communication isn’t always the best thing, and the “always on” mode of phones and texting puts social pressure on people that didn’t exist before. Back in the 1800s, people would go to other people’s homes and leave cards on a tray-- a calling card-- if the people weren’t available. The staff had instructions regarding who the family were and were not receiving as visitors at that time, and whether they were receiving at all. People did not feel obligated to open their door to everyone.

Now, with texting, there is pressure as to why you didn’t text back. You shouldn’t feel you have to.

 

[AClaire11]

In my world, that’s excessive.

So, my advice is that just because the phone rings, you don’t have to answer it. Just because someone texts, you don’t have to respond.

Back it down. Respond on your own terms.

Instant communication isn’t always the best thing, and the “always on” mode of phones and texting puts social pressure on people that didn’t exist before. Back in the 1800s, people would go to other people’s homes and leave cards on a tray-- a calling card-- if the people weren’t available. The staff had instructions regarding who the family were and were not receiving as visitors at that time, and whether they were receiving at all. People did not feel obligated to open their door to everyone.

Now, with texting, there is pressure as to why you didn’t text back. You shouldn’t feel you have to.

It’s almost always my husband who is texting, fb messaging, and talking on the phone. And most of the phone calls are initiated by him. I’ve tried getting him to dial it back, but we always end up in the same place.

 

[EasterJoy]

In my world, that’s excessive.

So, my advice is that just because the phone rings, you don’t have to answer it. Just because someone texts, you don’t have to respond.

Back it down. Respond on your own terms.

Instant communication isn’t always the best thing, and the “always on” mode of phones and texting puts social pressure on people that didn’t exist before. Back in the 1800s, people would go to other people’s homes and leave cards on a tray-- a calling card-- if the people weren’t available. The staff had instructions regarding who the family were and were not receiving as visitors at that time, and whether they were receiving at all. People did not feel obligated to open their door to everyone.

Now, with texting, there is pressure as to why you didn’t text back. You shouldn’t feel you have to.

I know families where there is daily contact between parents and children, but the vast majority of it is quick and inconsequential, just hello, some brief small talk, and gotta go.

 

[EasterJoy]

I was thinking more on the lines of not even talking about it, and if mil brings up why the op and husband are not interacting with sis, just say she’s rude and did not aplogise…then whatever excuse they have, that the op say -thank you for for sharing that, but we’ve got this…iow- myob, or whatever you say will not change things–they can push all they want, and I would still thank them for sharing thier opinions, but not change my lack of interaction with sil. It has gone on long enough.

I would change the subject everytime…the choice is then thiers-give up or tell sil to apologize.

Hardball is needed, and sometimes the less u say is better, especially if this has been discussed ad nauseum. It’s time to act and,stop letting them steal peace. I would shut them down. I would not feed this at all with deep emotional talking…it will further aggravate the op when sil still does not change.

I do not mean bringing up the issue out of the blue. I mean formulating a, “here is where we are response” that is very clear, calm, and sensible, and then just sticking to it.

This requires that you accept in advance that the response might not be anything like clear, calm, or sensible, kind of like announcing bed time and realizing that sometimes they go to bed and sometimes they try to negotiate. The easiest thing is, “Nope. Rules are the rules, and you haven’t come up with an exception. That may disappoint you, but* no guff*. Thank you for sharing your ideas, but off to bed you go.”

That isn’t to say that the complaint department is always on the third floor of a two-story building. It is to say that when the answer is simple, stand firm and keep it simple. Getting complicated or trying to prove you have the right to authority you obviously have the right to exercise just invites foot-dragging and argument.

By the way, my Rule Two was a variation putting the end-run of If-Dad-Says-No-Ask-Mom into the childhood criminal code. Couples need to come to their decisions together and stick up for each other. It is usually best if each spouse deals directly with his or her own blood relatives and with their spouses and hangers-on. That means they need to defend the principle that end runs are verboten.

 

[mommy_k]

If directness is needed, I would not put it in writing.
You should only put kind things in writing, as a rule.

This is between sil and yourself and husband. I would tell inlaws that you are more then happy to talk with sil about this, and she can call you.

I would tell them this go between messaging is not the way you deal with people–But thank them for thier concern and you hope things get better. This can be repeated as many times as needed.

And as easter joy stated–keep it simple.

Then…I would tell dh by his actions in this, he is making you look like you are the bad person in all of this. He has to show them a united front…this means he needs to tell them the same thing about this as you are. He should not be enabling thier behavior at your 3xpense.

 

[1ke]

I know families where there is daily contact between parents and children, but the vast majority of it is quick and inconsequential, just hello, some brief small talk, and gotta go.

Well, you can’t control him either.

 

[AClaire11]

Thank you all for your perspectives. I don’t think we’re going to send the email, but will instead address things as they come up. The e-mail would just leave to a shouting match and either nothing changing or a cut-off.

 

[AClaire11]

Also, please forgive me if I reacted poorly, this situation has been causing me stress for a while and I tend to get very defensive about it in the heat of the moment.

 

[Xantippe]

Thank you all for your perspectives. I don’t think we’re going to send the email, but will instead address things as they come up. The e-mail would just leave to a shouting match and either nothing changing or a cut-off.

Yeah.

 

[jazzy0710]

“These are our boundaries, they are not up for discussion.”

Don’t engage. Don’t explain. Don’t rationalize. Don’t defend. These are your boundaries, and that’s it.

If they try to bring it up, cut them off immediately-- get up and leave, hand up the phone, whatever. Tell them once that they have crossed the boundary line and if they continue, follow through with the consequence-- which might be limited interaction with THEM as well as SIL.

THIS! Couldn’t agree more

If you have not already done so, I would highly reccomend that you and your hubby check out this book: amazon.ca/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

 

[1990Domer]

@AClaire11,

You received some awesome advice. I actually remember Monicad helping me through several rough spots with my in-laws. Our experiences sound so similar. I feel the one difference was that my MIL would purposefully try to avoid talking to DH because he was (is) more reserved and would not get involved in discussing his brothers. So, she sought me out. The problem was my FIL, who died about about 10 years into our marriage, would reign in my MIL’s caustic comments a little more. After he died, MIL probably insulted and/or hurt my feelings about 10 times a conversation. She was also very dismissive of my son’s disability (autism spectrum).

When I told DH about his mom, he said he would handle the issue next time he spoke to her but never did. The reason? He did not want to be subjected to her caustic personality which included lying, passive-aggressive behavior, insults and not apologizing for her actions. Equally, she would defend her youngest son and blab conversations we had with her to her youngest son. Then he would get involved to defend her, and it was one big drama fest! Yuck! It got to the point that my esteem was so low, I would just lose it with my husband. At one point I told him if he didn’t defend me and kept ignoring the issue, I would leave. We went to marital counseling where he finally recognized his wrong–the therapist got through to him, which was not an easy feat.

The therapist explained that my feelings should come before keeping peace (my husband thought it was easier to reason with me than get into it with his mom). But, I felt that I was hung out to dry. When DH started sticking up for me, her claws came out and she was really defensive. Out came the insults to my husband, the spinning of things I said, the passive aggressive behavior, you name it. Sadly, it came to the point where DH would only keep in touch with her by snail mail, because he wanted a record of what he said and how she replied. He stopped talking to his youngest brother when he sent DH a series of texts (we think he was drunk, high or both) that were highly insulting of me. While I told my DH that his brother was very unkind, he never had the proof. Now he did.

When MIL passed last year, we were only communicating by letter. At her funeral (which DS and I didn’t attend because he was in a science fair competition and had no real relationship with MIL who lived 6 hours away), said BIL wanted to start afresh with DH. DH stood his ground and said, “Not until you apologize to my wife.” Well, that hasn’t happened nor do we think it will.

I, too, had to learn to expect NOTHING from her. Once that came, it was so freeing. I wasn’t an in-law, I was an outlaw. I think where you have it more difficult is that your husband keeps in close contact with his parents, and that doesn’t help matters. Also, any talk about your SIL should be shut down immediately.

Perhaps you need to talk with your husband to find out what redeeming qualities he gets out of his daily interaction with his parents. If it is to maintain peace, I fear it will not work and life will get harder as your daughter gets older, especially if she wants to interact more and more with them.

Feel free to PM me. I can honestly say I have a better relationship with my in-laws in death than in life because they can now see I wasn’t the witch my BIL made me out to be.

Good luck! Trust in God and pray to Mary for guidance. She has never failed me.

 

[AClaire11]

Thank you, I’ll probably take you up on that. It just feels like we’re in constant contact with her and it’s driving me slowly crazy. She doesn’t get along with FIL so she talks to my husband about everything (like complaining about the lawn mower guy…for hours) and I think it’s ridiculous. He feels bad for her because FIL is such a jerk. We’ll agree to try not messaging/texting for a few days but always get sucked back in. And now that the baby is here, there’s constant picture sending. Today has been difficult for unrelated reasons. Ugh. There are good opportunities back in their city, and my husband misses living there, but the thought of having to deal with them constantly is exhausting.

 

[AClaire11]

I just asked him if he even enjoys the constant contact or just feels sorry for her and he said it’s the latter. If anyone has any advice on this update, I’d appreciate it.

 

[1990Domer]

I think you will need your borders firmly in place before a move. Otherwise, I worry about the outcome.

 

[AClaire11]

I think you will need your borders firmly in place before a move. Otherwise, I worry about the outcome.

Definitely. I can already hear “Why don’t you let us watch the baaaaby all day and then AClaire11 can go get a real job?” And constantly showing up…

I don’t like his home city in general and his parents living there is the nail in the coffin.

 

[1990Domer]

Definitely. I can already hear “Why don’t you let us watch the baaaaby all day and then AClaire11 can go get a real job?” And constantly showing up…

I don’t like his home city in general and his parents living there is the nail in the coffin.

Hun, my MIL said to me if I was going back to work. I replied, “No, I worked my tail off to put DH through grad school, so he’d like me home raising son rather than daycare.” My FIL chimed in, “Well, will your mom watch DS for you?” I said, “Heck no. She told me long ago that nobody was around to help raise you or your sister (true–my Grammy lived 1 1/2 hours away and couldn’t drive). It took sacrifice. I expect the same from you if you want to stay home.”

I was not in the least offended, as we always lived off my salary when I worked. Now, it made sense with a third person in the house that DH’s higher salary was needed. So, I resigned my job when my OB was worried about complications. My MIL dryly said, “What a waste of a good ND degree.” My husband heard this and said, “No, DW has learned essentials skills to prepare for the ultimate vocation–motherhood.”

Well, that went over like a lead balloon. For a while she asked inI was going back to work when he was x, y, or z age. By age 3, we knew he was on the autism spectrum. While waiting for county services, we blew through a lot on money to start him as quick as we could. My parents, who came from a much more modest background, gave us $10,000 for initial therapies. When DH asked for help from his parents, they said, “We don’t have any funds to spare.” I was hurt, because they vacationed in FL two months of the year to escape Western NY." We never asked for a penny again.

If you MIL doesn’t think motherhood is a “read job,” I have a bridge to see her. Would she say that to our Virgin Mary? Doubtful. But she was jealous because she went back to work and I stayed home. Oh the (ugly) memories.

I think moving to DH’s home town may really hurt your esteem and ruin your home life. DH needs to put his family’s wishes first. Feel free to PM if you want to learn about the counseling I went through to avoid, I swear, a nervous breakdown.

I will bring your prayers to Adoration with me on Friday.

 

[AClaire11]

FIL is coming to visit in mid-December (over my protests) and I am dreading it. When my husband tried to address some of our issues with him over the phone, he got very huffy and just made excuses for SIL, then sent a group email laying out his “expectations” for everyone as adult siblings. The email was ridiculous and we just ignored it. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this visit. The idea of having to sit there while he acts like he’s grandpa of the year despite not visiting for nine months and constantly giving terrible outdated advice and pretend that everything is great and I’m happy he’s here makes me feel sick.

On top of this, it’s just been an awful few weeks and I’m so drained.

 

[1ke]

FIL is coming to visit in mid-December (over my protests) and I am dreading it.

I am unclear how someone can visit you without your permission.

By visit do you mean the same city or do you mean to your house?

The idea of having to sit there while he acts like he’s grandpa of the year despite not visiting for nine months and constantly giving terrible outdated advice and pretend that everything is great and I’m happy he’s here makes me feel sick.

On top of this, it’s just been an awful few weeks and I’m so drained.

So what am I missing? You don’t have to go anywhere, sit anywhere, or be with this man.

 

[kptrs]

I am unclear how someone can visit you without your permission.

By visit do you mean the same city or do you mean to your house?

So what am I missing? You don’t have to go anywhere, sit anywhere, or be with this man.

Exactly. None of this can continue unless you allow it to. And it sounds like you are allowing it to.