In Law Problem

[jazzbaby1]

My MIL and FIL have been divorced for over 20 years, but it seems that she just can’t let go and is trying to play out her issues with him using my DH and I and our children. He’s been with someone else for over 10 years; she’s been remarried and widowed and had another long term relationship.

She gets jealous of time that we spend with FIL and his GF. She sees him at events for our children and insists that they walk down memory lane, or corners him and invites him for lunch or coffee. She has used my DH as an excuse to call him on his cell phone (after she trolled my DH’s phone for the number). For both Thansgiving and Christmas last year she blew off plans that we had with her and then “just happened” to show up when he was visiting. The football playoffs were the same way: DH would have plans with his dad to watch the game, she’d stop by an hour before “just to see the kids for a minute” and then stay for the entire game ( if it looked like she was staying, DH would call his dad and let him know out of her earshot). I’m frankly tired of every event having this weird layer of tension, or plans having to be changed because she’s decided to grace us with her presence. My DH doesn’t want her invited to anymore of the kids school events, but I’m the one who’ll hear about it if she finds out. Any suggestions?

 

[littleone]

Whoes house do you live in? Generally speaking people can only do what they are alloud to do if it is someone elses home.
That is a long time to put up with those situations don’t you think it could be time to shut the door.
It seems that she has become used to rooling the roost, is that not so?, if it is then maybe you might have to take the power back that you have alloud her to have. Don’t let her get away with controling the home because once another person takes over I don’t thinki that it is a “home” any more, would you say that that could be the situation, and that you are wanting to close the past.
Well then you must decide. Jesus gives us the strength if we realy on Him.
you can do it
God bless.

 

[Della]

Your husband has to sit down with her and tell her to stop doing these things–that she isn’t making points with her ex or with your family or anyone else. He has to put his foot down with her and tell her not to contact you about his decision because you are in full agreement on this and her calling you will change nothing.

It sounds like she is lonely and wants to reopen a long dead relationship. She needs something to keep her occupied, but that is up to her to do. This woman needs to get her own life and it’s up to your husband to see that she doesn’t bother your family in this inappropriate way any more.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

I’m sorry, what a drag. What people won’t do when they’re still carrying a torch. (Which is why I tell every young person I know: you can get a divorce, you can get an annulment. An ex is still forever.) This can be the price you pay for being in the life of a man with an ex-wife.

I’d have your husband ask your FIL
a) whether he thinks this is something that can’t be tolerated from his point of view and
b) what he’d like to do about it.
He would be an excellent resource with regards to laying out the history and predicting what is going to work and what won’t. This isn’t to say that he can dictate what you are going to do, but since it is the detritis from *his *marriage, he ought to be willing to help you out.

You also might try having some of these visits with FIL at undisclosed locations, or also “just happen” to change your plans at the last minute where he is concerned.

If your husband and FIL decide on a course of action, it isn’t for you to catch the flak. Deflect the questions to where they belong: “This wasn’t my decision. This is between you, your son, and your ex. I’m not getting into it.” Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

As for blowing off plans at one time and then showing up later, let her know that her “flexiblity” is rubbing you the wrong way. You don’t have to drag her interest in FIL into it. Just tell her that she can cancel if she has to, but if you don’t offer to re-schedule on the same day, she should respect that.

Also, point out that your FIL’s new friend is a guest in your home, and you have every intention of making your guest list so that she will know her comfort is important. Your mom is given the same deference…she needs to respect that you have that to give to others, too. Even if she isn’t at an event, she should be able to trust that if the family says the “ex” won’t be there, then the “ex” won’t be there. What you are describing would be considered by most women to be pursuing the man who is now their boyfriend. You don’t have to cooperate in any way with that.