In laws question

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Eugene

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My wife and I emigrated from our country of origin 11 years ago. Our eldest kid was only 2 at the time. The other was 8 months. In our new country we had 3 more children. They do not know the love of family on a day to day basis. We have been back a few times to keep up the contact.

I brought my mom and sister in law over to come and stay with us for 6 months. My mom-in-law is a widow and we thought it good that they could spend some time with us and the kids.

I try my best to treat her like my own mother and provide her with all the comforts of life. She relies completely on myself and my brother-in-law for all her needs as she has a very small pension.

Problem I have now is that since they are in our house they are with us all the time. Our kids (5 of them) are not used to that and have made noises to that effect. We have a family tradition of watching a movie on a Sunday night. Naturally my mom-in-law and sister-in-law come and sit with us. But I would prefer they retire to their own quarters and allow us to just have this time as a family again. They have their own living quarters which includes their own TV.

I do not mind them being with us most of the time but feel that for those two hours on a Sunday night we need our time as a family. My wife agrees but does not know how to say this to her mom as she will feel rejected. Having them watch the movie with us completely changes the seating arrangements we have as we usually cuddle up together in or lounge. Now everyone has to shift. I feel the family does this for them already at the dining room table and in the cars, etc.

What do I do as I do not wish to put my wife under pressure either?
 
Perhaps your wife could more easily speak with her sister then her mother to explain that your family needs this little bit of alone time with one another after a hard week. If I’m counting correctly, there are nine of you, and things must seem a little crowded sometimes. You deserve and need some alone time as a couple and as a family to cuddle and bond. Perhaps your mother in law and sister in law would actually like to retire from the rest of the family once in a while, but feel that you would be insulted if they did so. Your wife is the one who should speak with either her mother or sister, not you, as they are far less likely to take offense or feel embarrassed with this coming from their own daughter/sister. God bless you.
 
Actually, my sister-in-law (38) is a special needs person but not a serious one. She has only intellectually developed to the age of about an 8 year old and cannot function independently in society - for example she has no notion of the value of money or the concept of time but is able to perform most basic duties. So mentioning it to her is not an option really.

My mom-in-law has also had many mental issues - bi-polar/anxiety attacks but has improved greatly over the last year or so, I firmly believe due to the power of prayer. But being needy I doubt that she will fully appreciate where we’re coming from and will most likely take offence.
 
My two cents?
I think maybe you could consider what it’s like for THEM.
You brought them to a country far from their comfort zone in order to keep the family connected. And then you model for your children that they’re not really part of the family because they’re not welcome during your family time.
Six months is a long time. You have not by now developed some “new” tradition that would include grandparents and a disabled relative?
Do you consider them casual acquaintances or relatives? You’re uncomfortable suggesting a seating arrangement, yet you seem comfortable asking them to stay in another room while you all enjoy a movie?
Family is important. Be gracious and teach your kids what it’s like to share and to treasure living family.
 
I suggest that if you want some time with just your children as a family that you leave the house - go to the movies, go to dinner, whatever. I do not feel it is reasonable to expect house guests, family or otherwise, to confine themselves to their quarters for a designated time each week.
 
underacloud - what’s the difference between them going to their own quarters and us leaving to have time by ourselves? With the latter the message will be, “We’re off to the movies by ourselves if you don’t mind as we need our time out.”

pianistclare - I beg to differ in that I think it very important that we as a couple and family have time for ourselves. Imagine if you had your inlaws milling around you in a house ALL the time? My wife and I cannot recline at night in our loungeroom like we used to and catch up on the day because they come to join us - every evening. So now we retire to our bedroom. Imagine what it would be like to live with family who are needy and around you ALL the time! Where is your me-time? Don’t you think it wise that we need to look after ourselves as individuals/couple/family as well?

The kids yearn to have some timeout with us sometimes and we have to see to their needs as well.

Also, remember you do not know the full story so I’d suggest caution when offering advice. We take them with to Mass, the kids sporting activities, shopping, virtually everywhere we go and that means two cars for we are people. I cannot sit in the car anymore and discuss things with my wife like we used to because they understand us. We speak 3 languages (and my inlaws the same 3) and our kids only 1.

I’m sorry if I sound mean but as the man in the house I try and see to everyone’s needs and it is not easy and black and white. I will get it wrong sometimes but I pray that I will continue to grow in wisdom in this area.
 
I would consider it very poor hospitality to have guests in your home and to exclude them from your evening activities. I agree with the suggestion that if you want to spend time with only the kids, that you do it in the form of an outing, until your guests leave. If you ask them to go to their rooms so you can watch a movie along, they will probably consider this rude, and I think they would be correct.
 
Eugene said:
underacloud - what’s the difference between them going to their own quarters and us leaving to have time by ourselves? With the latter the message will be, “We’re off to the movies by ourselves if you don’t mind as we need our time out.”
Click to expand...
The most clear differences are whether or not they’re confined to their room, and who is making the effort to accommodate the other. You are the one wanting family time - quite understandably so - so it is you who should make the effort.

What sounds better?

“We’re off to the movies by ourselves if you don’t mind as we need our time out.”

OR

“Could you please stay in your room for a few hours as we need our time out.”

I simply don’t think it’s reasonable to have house guests and to then place certain restrictions on them like this one, which are not only ordinarily impolite, but in this case have the potential added sting of signaling that they are a lesser part of your family (which perhaps they are, but they needn’t be made to feel that they are).
 
Eugene said:
underacloud - what’s the difference between them going to their own quarters and us leaving to have time by ourselves? With the latter the message will be, “We’re off to the movies by ourselves if you don’t mind as we need our time out.”

pianistclare - I beg to differ in that I think it very important that we as a couple and family have time for ourselves. Imagine if you had your inlaws milling around you in a house ALL the time? My wife and I cannot recline at night in our loungeroom like we used to and catch up on the day because they come to join us - every evening. So now we retire to our bedroom. Imagine what it would be like to live with family who are needy and around you ALL the time! Where is your me-time? Don’t you think it wise that we need to look after ourselves as individuals/couple/family as well?

The kids yearn to have some timeout with us sometimes and we have to see to their needs as well.

Also, remember you do not know the full story so I’d suggest caution when offering advice. We take them with to Mass, the kids sporting activities, shopping, virtually everywhere we go and that means two cars for we are people. I cannot sit in the car anymore and discuss things with my wife like we used to because they understand us. We speak 3 languages (and my inlaws the same 3) and our kids only 1.

I’m sorry if I sound mean but as the man in the house I try and see to everyone’s needs and it is not easy and black and white. I will get it wrong sometimes but I pray that I will continue to grow in wisdom in this area.
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No offense, but you sound like a rich guy and a little spoiled. Most people do not have a “loungeroom” to “recline” in. Most couples discuss the days events in their bedroom, and if they have kids, even this space isn’t sacred. Personally, I can’t even take a shower without someone bursting in on me to ask me something. So, if you have a large enough home where having family members around all the time is not something you are accustomed to, then I think you are very fortunate. Most people can not relate to your problem that well.

However, if you have invited guests to your home, I think you owe them hospitality. A compromise might be that one of you can either stay home with your guests, while the other takes the kids out, or one of you can have your movie night with your kids while the other takes out your guests. Again, I would say it was poor form to demand that your guests vacate the family room and confine themselves to their guestrooms.
 
These people are clearly from a different culture. Somewhere where there might have only been a couple of rooms in the house to start with. You have now hit the big time.
And you’ve left that culture behind.
My opinion remains: family is sacred. Either they are part or your family or not.
If they bug you, do yourselves both a favor and send them home.
But understand what you are modeling for your children.
When you get old, infirmed, and possibly underfoot…what will they say to YOU dad?
Most of us would give anything to have our parents still with us.
 
You could consider going to the movies in a movie theater, maybe a different night.
 
pianistclare said:
These people are clearly from a different culture. Somewhere where there might have only been a couple of rooms in the house to start with. You have now hit the big time.
And you’ve left that culture behind.
My opinion remains: family is sacred. Either they are part or your family or not.
If they bug you, do yourselves both a favor and send them home.
But understand what you are modeling for your children.
When you get old, infirmed, and possibly underfoot…what will they say to YOU dad?
]Most of us would give anything to have our parents still with us.
Click to expand...
Sigh…yes…😦
 
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