In-laws that hate their son's wife

[pia]

Good advice given! I would add that I would plan on sending all of them Christmas cards until the day I died.

I totally agree with this

 

[iluvmybabies]

I feel your pain!!! :sad_yes::hug3: Even though my situation hasn’t been for that long, now with current bf’s parents…It happened to me with my exhusband…And now with my bf…My exhusband was BLIND to it too…No matter how much I tried pointing out how they mistreated me and turn their backs on me constantly etc it was as if he didn’t care, which I am assuming because of the way he is, or he really didn’t notice a difference…Pretty sad. Well with my new bf, things were perfect all of a sudden from one day to another his mother blows up on me…Very sad…UGH! BUT my bf noticed her change and he didn’t like it at all…He told his parents I was going to be his wife and he would appreciate it if they wouldn’t disrespect me…AND that if things didn’t work out that he would appreciate it if they wouldn’t disrespect me because he loved and cared for me as a friend as well…His mother wasn’t happy. I asked her constantly what happened? She told me even though I know it’s a lie that she doesn’t like it how the kids run my world and I am not a good enough mother to put them in their place…Then she told me she didn’t like how I didn’t get any adult time like she did with her kids when they were little…

I have explained to her that I will raise my kids the way I want that I appreciate her concern…She tells me “fine whatever”! AND pretends everything is fine…

I will never win her love, his father loves me and I love him…I at least have that support even if it’s small…His sister and I are getting along and she told me that their mother does that to her husband as well…SO I guess I will either have to accept it -like I have- and live with it or let him go because I don’t get along with his mother?!

I don’t bother with her any more…GOT way to many other problems to deal with…She’s the least of my concerns. I care about her and respect her but that’s it…I pray for her and hope that someday she might accept me but until then it’s in GOD’s hands…

I do hope things get better for you…Because I know how hard it is not to feel wanted or welcomed…Not even in your own home…I started ignoring her a lot and after a while she came around…And now talks to me…But I would act indifferent as if whatever she acts like didn’t matter to me. I always was caring and sweet no matter how humiliating things got…

One time she humiliated me so badly I got up and said “GOOD BYE I AM OUT OF HERE!” Grabbed my children and left…My bf went confronted her and his sister was there and they both stuck up for me…Even their father-her husband- did as well…I hated that they were doing that because I didn’t feel I deserved it and I too apologized for whatever reason she hates me, but I had 3 super sweet people caring for me and I don’t care what the MRs says about me or thinks about me…I know I haven’t done anything wrong and I am still sticking around…

Like I said I don’t disrespect her but I pretend that her rudeness doesn’t hurt at all, I learned not to let it any more and then she started coming around and actually talking to me…Not much especially when people are around but enough to show that at least she notices me…lol…

GOD bless and good luck…Hopefully soon things will get better for you…I will keep you in my prayers…

 

[kage_ar]

I’ve been posting inlaw threads here for quite some time. Mine hate because I don’t make enough money to fund their retirement. Knowing why they hate me has given me little comfort. They disgust me. They live off their children pretty high on the hog which I can’t afford to help them with. They invested in their childrens education expecting to see a return on their investment. They are bums.

Matthew 15, starting at the first verse you will see how Jesus spoke to those who would not provide support for aging parents. Pray that Jesus will soften your heart toward your wife’s parents.

 

[igator99]

Matthew 15, starting at the first verse you will see how Jesus spoke to those who would not provide support for aging parents. Pray that Jesus will soften your heart toward your wife’s parents.

I don’t think you understand. They planned their life so they could be nothing but dependent on their children. They sold their paid for house and moved in with my wife before we got married. They were content with their daughter being an old maid while they blew the money from their house. They were violently opposed to our marriage why? I don’t make enough money to support them. I have done my best to win them over. I’ve been nothing but nice but it don’t matter to them. I don’t have credit cards they can max out. I can’t buy them cars. I can’t afford to finance their trips to Casinos to go blow money. After 14 years I’m done.

As far as taking care of your parents I understand and believe in that. Using your children like banks and economic slaves I don’t believe that is what God had in mind. I pray I don’t ever become a burden on my children but rather be able to help them get a start in life.

 

[Christina009]

I do feel better hearing about how others deal with in-law problems too.
I am going to start just pretending their actions don’t bother me.
I will send a Christmas card to the in-laws.
I sent them a nice thank you card for their visit.And thanked them for taking us out to eat and such.
Say the nice things and leave out the negative,just as Jesus would want me to do.
We should all pray for each other. The Lord will comfort us and ease the pain of all this.
I can’t wait to see what’s at the next level of life.
Peace of Christ to you.

 

[ben1832]

Hi,
I know exactly how you feel. I’m in the same situation and have been for more than ten years – and in this case I am the man!
I have always been fairly quiet, introverted and more concerned about a person’s feeling than getting a point across. I really do get along with just about everyone. I will make every effort. My wife’s parents have always treated me as incompetent and ‘slow’ for some unknown reason, and I’m guessing it’s because of my quiet personality. I really don’t know for sure why this is the case. My wife has said she’s noticed how her parents treat me but only rarely and the says I’m just too sensitive. She refuses to ever support me or stand up for me in such circumstances. We have been married almost 11 years and I am CONVINCED my wife places her family before me. I could go on with a hundred reasons why I know this, but I have no evidence to the contrary. I have confronted her with this, but she just looks at me and doesn’t say anything. When I stop talking, she is off to another subject. We have two children, ages 5 and 7, so this has really gotten complicated. As a devout Catholic, I don’t believe in divorce and certainly not when kids are involved.
I really don’t know if she realizes just how much her family is hurting me. She’s smart, 47 years old and a Masters in Mathematics, so I can’t believe she has no clue.

When we first started dating, I spent time with her family quite a lot, as she told me how important her family is to her. Although I am not that outgoing, I gave my best and tried to have fun – but I never (even from the start) got much back. Her dad rarely even looks at me and never talks to me UNLESS it’s to correct me or educate me about something. Most of the time, if he does turn an eye to me, I really believe he is leering at me. Not a friendly look at all. Her younger brother’s the same. Her mom is the same. The last straw was Christmas 2003. I gave my Mother-in-law a very nice wall frame collage with about 12 or 14 pictures of our then-one year old son (her grandson) and a few of my wife and I added. She opened it, smiled, and put it aside. A week later, visiting, it was back in its box behind the couch, on the floor. Two years later, it was still there. Talk about a punch in the stomach. And I could go on and on, and I don’t know the why of any of it. In any case, that was the last Christmas I spent at my in-laws home. I don’t visit anymore, cannot take the treatment any longer. I haven’t even spoken to any of them since 2007. No one has ever called to find out what’s happened. Although no one ever called to talk with me about anything since I met my wife back in 1996. Her, they call. They are all very charismatic and talkitive, (I’m neither) and they certainly love to talk about their accomplishments. And from listening to them, they can do almost anything!

Time has not really healed old wounds, they have just festered a bit. I don’t know why they feel this way about me. I don’t know why my wife won’t stand by me. Her dream was always to be a stay home mom, and I gave her that in 2005. I finally started a job that paid enough so she wouldn’t have to work. But, believe it or not, her and her family have been even worse towards me since that happened. I’m at my wit’s end. They live 2 miles away, and if I could, I’d move many states away.

I’ve done what I can to help this situation, but I’m to a point now I really just want to move on – but, like I said, the kids make it difficult. I will pull them from visiting the in-laws, if they openly degrade me in front of them.

Please forgive me for rambling, but, like you, I am torn up with this, and really need to see what others think and suggest. Especially those that have suffered through something similar.

God bless you all!
Bob

 

[masondoggy]

By this point I’d just tell husband that visits to that house and contact will end until he starts setting up boundaries. They do it because they can get away with it. They haven’t been talked to by him about it yet have they?

If he is so oblivious, maybe he doesn’t need to go over there for dinner. You shouldn’t be dragged there to be ignored and treated like dirt in front of your own children.

They can do without seeing the grandchildren now.

You’ll get blamed, but what else is new.

Normally I don’t advocate cutting off contact with in-laws or keeping grandchildren from in-laws, but just because your husband doesn’t see you being mistreated doesn’t mean your children don’t see it. And to them, it looks like daddy approves of mommy being treated like she doesn’t exist.

You deserve better.

Yeah, you said something and they didn’t like it. But their ability to punish is scary. And your husband pretending nothing is wrong is scarier. You don’t need to go over there and get a heaping serving of abuse along with the mashed potatoes.

Start making other plans.

I’d even cancel them coming to your house. Why? So you can be the maid and servant while they won’t talk to you in your own house?

If your husband gives them permission to shun you and disrespect you in front of your own children, you have another set of problems. Time to draw a line in the sand and see which side hubby chooses. He’s had the luxury of playing Switzerland for far too long. In normal families, even when people tick each other off, they make a pretense of politeness and fake it till they make it. 13 years is a long time for him to allow his family to treat you like this.

I agree with this post 100%

Your hubby isn’t oblivious and he’s not living in his own little world. He knows EXACTLY what’s going on and it’s easier to turn a blind eye rather than act like a man and put his family in their place. Don’t make excuses for him.

The balls in his court or you cut off contact. And that includes your kids. This is NOT healthy for your kids to be around…it’s very unfair to them and they will definitely learn by example that it must be OK to treat people this way. Is that what you want?

 

[NPalmby]

I’m coming late to this thread, but I wanted to share my own experience.

My problem is not with my in-laws, who have always been nothing but nice and loving to me, but my own father, with whom I no longer have a relationship.

I won’t go into all the details (it’s a long, long story), but in 2007, my father was not invited to my wedding. It was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever had to make, and it was one my husband would have supported no matter which way I’d gone or whatever the outcome. But it has truly been the best decision for me.

For a while, I really struggled with it. I was afraid I was dishonoring him by not speaking to him, and that I’d made the wrong decision, but then I’d hear something from my sister or from my mother (who divorced my father long ago) about my brother’s relationship with him that just cemented in my heart that this was the decision that’s best for my life and my family.

I won’t say I was a saint in the situation(s), but I did what I thought was best at the time, and if I was proven or felt I’d made the wrong choice, I always apologized. My father did not.

Some of the decisions he’s made are harmful to him, to my siblings, and to his new wife and children. In 2007, I decided that I couldn’t have someone like that in my life anymore. I was constantly stressed and upset by what he was doing, hurt by the way he treated me, and just plain miserable.

I prayed for a long time, and I realized that there’s only so much you can do in this kind of situation. In any relationship there are two people. If the other person isn’t willing to work it out, nothing you do or say can “fix” the relationship. It’s not to say you should give up and be mean or anything like that, but you have to do what’s in your heart to do.

I firmly believe that the Lord led me to the decision of removing my father from my life. Since I realized that I’d done all I could for our relationship and that it was in my father’s hands to take the next step, I’ve never regretted my decision.

My father is still making poor decisions, and hurting my siblings (emotionally) by the way he treats them, and I pray every day that they can have a good relationship with him. I, on the other hand, am blessed to have many, many people in my life who love me no matter what and won’t make me feel bad about myself. Those are the people I go to when I need love.

I pray for my father, that he’ll see the way he treated me was wrong, but I know that, with the way he is right now, it’s better for us to not speak.

Well. That turned into a longer post than I expected (sorry!). I just wanted to share my own experiences…I’m sure some of you can relate!

God bless!

 

[elizabeth22]

Christina009 and others, how about in-law problems and upsets for 32 years. Only once did my husband take up for me, and I think it was so traumatic for him to have to do that for me, that he waited nearly 32 years to for a major blow-up to do it again. After the first ugly incident directed at me, they all got slick and learned to throw their barbs when my husband wasn’t around. This has gone on for our whole married life. I’ve had money and clothes stolen from me by his sister, and then once when we were staying with his parents his brother stole some sterling silver mugs out of his parents’ house, right under all our noses. I came downstairs to overhear my mother-in-law asking my husband if I could have done it. When I confronted my husband, he lied and said no such thing was said, and he continued to lie about it for the next twenty six years, to protect his parents. Finally he confessed within the past four months that his mother had indeed said that. (It’s almost comical they accuse me of stealing from them, yet I’m the one that’s been ripped off by their family) The huge blow-up we recently had has damaged our marriage, probably irreparably. My husbands father died and his brothers and their wives and sister absolutely tore into me, the fact that they were drunk didn’t help the situation at all. My husband just sat there and let the conversation go on. They brought things up from the past, even made an underhanded swipe at my dear mother who has been dead for 15 years, and never did anything to any of them. My husband said he was praying for his Dad and was not paying any attention to what was going on. Baloney. I proceeded to light up my husband (feeling quite guilty, because of the situation with his father’s death) but I was livid and hurt (I cried for two hours). One sister-in-law did apologize the next morning, that’s how bad it was. This incident was the last straw with my in-laws, there will never be any relationship, and as I’ve said, my marriage has been damaged seriously. In fairness to my husband, he went up for an oyster roast with them, I refused to go, and he SAID he lit them up. This past March we went up for my father-in-law’s burial and my husband got an apology for things said in September around the funeral Mass time (my father-in-law was cremated) but I was not given an apology. As a matter of fact, my husband sent an e-mail to the brother that was the worst and he received an e-mail back and said no apology was needed and none would be given. I know I have to love these people as Christians, but I certainly do not have to like them, and I do not think God wants me to be exposed to the hurtful attitudes these people show me. And like some of you who have posted, the resentment is festering towards my husband.

 

[Rainman2]

Christina, I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I apologize if I am too blunt with my suggestion, but your husband needs to get a backbone. It is his responsibility to stand up for you in this situation and defend you. You should not have to “fight” your in-laws on your own. I think he knows what is going on but us afraid to confront his parents and let them know that without a doubt he is behind you and if they don’t change their ways, then they are not welcome in your home. I am sorry, but he is being a coward. I had a similar situation when my wife and I were married and I let my parents know immediately where I stood and I am happy to say that it was all over with very quickly. Now the relationship between my wife and my mom is extremely good. I know that if I had not stood up for my wife, the situation would not have changed.

God bless you.
Rainman2

 

[Lilla]

My situation is slightly different as my concern is my daughter-in-law is manipulating my son to separate him from our family. We are a close family and her family is in constant turmoil, not speaking to one another, angry, etc. She has recently be telling my son blantent lies regarding a variety of situations and my son recently suggested to me that I apologize to her for something I never did and he is convinced I did. When I explained to him the situation never occurred, he asked me why would she lie? I was hurt and asked him why he would think I would lie?

I don’t want to destroy our relationships and have tried to let these lies go by and have tried to be extra nice in the hopes to “win” her over and pray that she stops the lying.

Any thoughts?

Lilla

 

[Christina009]

My situation is slightly different as my concern is my daughter-in-law is manipulating my son to separate him from our family. We are a close family and her family is in constant turmoil, not speaking to one another, angry, etc. She has recently be telling my son blantent lies regarding a variety of situations and my son recently suggested to me that I apologize to her for something I never did and he is convinced I did. When I explained to him the situation never occurred, he asked me why would she lie? I was hurt and asked him why he would think I would lie?

I don’t want to destroy our relationships and have tried to let these lies go by and have tried to be extra nice in the hopes to “win” her over and pray that she stops the lying.

Any thoughts?

Lilla

How about asking his wife infront of your son about this "situation"that never occurred.
Maybe she misunderstood something. Who knows but I would want to talk to both of them at the same time.
Of course I did try that with my in-laws. Me,my husband and them sitting around the table. I admitted that I knew there was a problem and had noticed that they were not as friendly toward me. They denied any problem and insisted that they love me.
I went ahead a appologized for this sin i commited,that they insist they don’t know about.
I didn’t want to point out their lie. So I just dropped it. I wish I had asked my father in-law why he turned his back on me as I went to shake his hand. And a few other things they’ve done,But I decided to let them off the hook politely.
You can’t clear the air and have an honest discussion with a liar.
And this has been going on for years. I tried talking to my mother in-law,woman to woman. She lied,insisted no problems. So I thought maybe with all of us together they might want to get it all out in the open. No,they like the way things are apparantly.
All we can do is pray. I do believe in miracles.
God’s peace.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

My in-laws hate me. This has been going on for about 13 yrs. now,but they hide it from my husband. The last straw was their last visit when I went to shake my father in-law’s hand to say goodbye,he turned his back on me. Right in front of other members of their family…

Christina,

I believe you. I believe most people who have a nagging intuition that does not abate over many years and who have specific examples to back up their fears are perceiving reality correctly. In other words, I don’t believe you are imagnining this. We can trust our intuition about people. You’ve been completely alone for a long time in your perceptions, and I’m here to tell you that you can trust yourself. Most people can trust their intuition, but don’t trust it, they discount what they are perceiving because the social pressure to do so is so high. I’m sorry you’ve experienced this. :hug1:

Here’s what I can tell you about your in-laws behavior. They don’t admit anything is wrong for a very simple reason. They know, deep down, that their attitude is unjustified and wrong. I’m guessing that there is a very, very, petty and selfish reason for their attitude, and that’s why they hide it.

Dragging your husband into the conflict by getting him to see what is going on would only play into their hand. First, he doesn’t have the sensivity to hear and understand you. Second, he doesn’t want to hear it. He doesn’t want to admit his parents are like this. Third, if you convince him there is something wrong, then magically, you become the problem for voicing the reality of what’s going on. You’ve already seen this family dynamic being played out with this siblings. You said something, so you get to be the cause of the problem now.

So, don’t give them the satisfaction of recognizing their behavior. My first piece of advice to you is to completely let go of and give up any desire that you have for them to love and accept you. Just let it go, and accept that they have chosen this childishness.

My second piece of advice is to take away the pleasure they get from seeing you hurt by their behavior by not reacting to it. When your MIL tells you Happy Mother’s Day through clenched teeth, pour on the charm. Gush to her, “Oh, I love you Mother, Happy Mother’s Day.” and then hang up, not reacting to her coldness in any way. When you absolutely have to interact with them, take this strategy. Respond with exagerrated warmth to their hostility. If your father withdraws his hand, reach over and hug him.

And lastly, when you don’t have to see them, then don’t. DON’T include them, DON’T invite them when you don’t have to do it. Avoid them when you can.

And of course, keep praying about this, and for them. Take your true feelings and your pain to the Lord.

 

[Christina009]

What you say is true,I agree.
One problem I have is not being able to act all lovey dovey when inside I know they hate me. And I have tried to act like I don’t notice that clenched teeth sweetness.
I will practice sounding like I don’t notice what’s going on.
I am trying not to talk about it anymore.
As a matter of fact since their last visit I haven’t said a thing to my husband.
I have been tempted to say,“Did you notice how your parents didn’t talk to me the whole time we sat together at the table?”
Or mention that when we went to church together she didn’t say one word to me.
I haven’t said a word. I am letting it go.
I will only talk to the our Father in heaven about this.
And I do pray for them every night.
Thank you for being here to listen and give me feedback with encouragement.
God’s Peace be to you.