In love with a priest

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2010_Convert

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I know someone who is married and she has developed feelings of love for her Priest. She has asked me if she needs to confess adultery. I am a new convert, so I wasn’t sure what to tell her. The Priest is not aware of her feelings. She has assured me that nothing inappropriate has happened between them and that she would not commit adultery at the risk of destroying her family. Please tell me how to advise her about confession.
 
She didn’t do anything, but she was tempted. Temptation may or may not be a sin, depending on what you do with it. If you quickly dispel it, not only is it not a sin, but it may be virtuous. If she is entertaining the temptation, she should confess it, especially since she could use the graces, because she is going to harm her marriage by it. Maybe she should bid adios to this priest.
 
I agree with CatholicBoy, if it is only a temptation then it is not a sin, but she must be careful of it turning into something more, the best she can do is stay away from him, and not even so much as look at him carelessly(gazing, etc)
and if it is only a temptation, then you can tell her to confess the temptation, because to confess our temptation to impurity gives us the strength and necessary graces to overcome them,
but if it is more than a temptation, like if she’s having impure thoughts or desires for this priest, then that falls into the realm of mortal sin, and because he is consecrated to God, it is also a sacrilege,
but if she is merely attracted to him and does not go beyond that, then my advice is, just separate any interaction with him or whatever else leads to temptation.
and remind her that it’s not just for the sake of her own families well-being, but also for the priests sake, because he has far more children under him as a spiritual father to look after than she does, and he does not need the temptation either.
 
She can’t leave the parish or stay away from the Priest without explaining why to her family. The whole family loves their church and they’re very attached to the Priest.
 
If she loves her family, the Lord, herself, and even respects the priest, then she has to find a way to put distance between the priest and herself. She knows best how to do that, but it is absolutely critical that she do that now. She will destroy all involved, and lose all chance for happiness.
 
2010_Convert said:
She can’t leave the parish or stay away from the Priest without explaining why to her family. The whole family loves their church and they’re very attached to the Priest.
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well, she could do it without explaining why, it would just be very uncomfortable for her…which i understand if that would be to difficult or impossible of a thing to do, and it is ultimately up to her, but that is a more extreme approach for someone who is in a more serious situation, such as greater temptations to consent to sins.
but if she is only tempted and not committing actual sin, then there is no obligation to leave or avoid him,
we have to keep in mind that the soul comes first, before friendship and self-image, and if God wants her to stay away from him, then He will make it possible for her, but she has to pray on it, and you can pray for her to, and then just go from there.

so, i would say for now, she should at least try to keep her distance, and try to keep custody of her eyes, and pray for direction over the matter, and also pray for the grace to avoid these temptations.
she should just do what she is able to do, and she’s really not expected to do more than that, so don’t worry to much beyond that.

ok? prayer is really the best thing to do at this time…and as i said, if it’s only a temptation, then it’s not really very serious at this time…being attracted to someone is nothing out of the ordinary, and not even sinful at all, if that’s all it is then she just needs to be careful it doesn’t turn into anything more.
 
I agree that if she is unable to change parishes because of her family, that she needs to make sure she is not in a postion to be alone with this Priest. I would also counsel her to go to confession but obviously to a different priest, or even a different parish if there is only 1 priest available.

I don’t know how far her “love” has gone. If she is masturbating while thinking of him or while with her husband. Or if she is simply infatuated with him because he has maybe helped her through a rough patch and become a confidant.

At one time in my life I was searching for love - in all the wrong ways - and realizing my life was out of control I sought counsel with my parish priest and did as he recommended. I broke off all contact with all inappropriate relationships. In spending time with Father, he started to fill the place of those other relationships. I in turn felt that I had no choice but to limit my interactions with him because I knew that my feelings - while not “real” - where sinful. They quickly faded away as my contact outside of mass faded.
 
I feel sorry for her…but, Okay, so she’s attracted to her priest. That’s what is is, attraction. She can be sure that there will be quite a number of women throughout his priestly life who have or will feel attracted to the priest.

Of course a good priest who is living his ministry (which makes him particularly appealing!) and also who has some attractive personal characteristics will have a following of women throughout his life, who are drawn by these things.
Of course he will seem more attractive than the husband she lives with in her husband’s faults and foibles and in the often tedious aspects of marital relationship.

This woman does need a good dose of realism…and to know that if she finds him attractive and thinks she is what books, movies, poems, magazines have taught us that we are in love with someone when actually there is imagination, chemical attraction, maybe in some cases boredom and disappointment in operation also, and so we want someone other than our husband or someone else’s husband, or a priest or whoever because he seems what we don’t have and want.

She also needs the blast of reality will only be one of many throughout his lifetime who will be attracted to him at some time and even believe themselves in love with him" and if the poor man is lucky they will keep it to themselves rather than put it into the poor man’s mind and emotion so he too may slip into private sin if nothing else, and be made uncomfortable around the parish he is called to serve.

Whiile she continues to allow space in her mind for this, she cannot be fully committed to her marriage vows and her husband, and he will by contrast become less and less attractive and this will communicate to him and may even damage their relationship.

Being the so-called "in love’ (translate to attraction and admiration, it isn’t love) Love is everyday acts of practical kindness to the people in our lives, whether it is easy or not.

I speak thus because not everyone sees through the charming veils that these things are often obscured by. Jesus speaks not one word about ‘in-love-ness’ except to say that to look at another with lust in your heart is to commit adultery. Jesus only speaks of practical and even of sacrificial love and this is what the commandments and the Gospel and Christian life, created human life is all about.

I’m sorry to be so blunt but I’ve seen this sort of thing where people get tied in knots over priests, and the effects in their lives and others even if they 'do and say nothing the harm is great…and pointless. I know people can be offended by this as they feel their ‘in-love-ness’ is something sacred and special in this sort of situation also, but the reality is that it’s one of the human traps we can so easily fall into when confronted by an attractive person living Gospel love and witness.

May God bless and help her and may God bless the priest, and all in such situations.

As regards confession she should certainly not reveal to this priest that he is the object of her desire, or indicate by any body language or behavior at any time. She should confess adulterurous thoughts in obedice to Jesus’ words.
**Matthew 5:27-28 **
Adultery

27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’a] 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Or man.

May God give her wisdom and healing and may God abundantly bless her family. 🙂
May God protect our priests.

God’s kindest blessings to you and all concerned
 
Thank you all so much for your help with this. Just as a point of information, the priest involved is not handsome and he’s chubby. She says she’s attracted to him because she is drawn to people in authority. This priest is very influential and gifted. I think she feels a closeness to him because he’s her confessor and he knows everything about her. I think your suggestion of prayer is the best advice for me. I’ll pray for her and for her priest because he has dedicated his whole life to God and he doesn’t need this temptation in his life. I will also tell her that she should not share her feelings with the priest. She has confessed her thoughts of lust to another priest, but she didn’t tell him she had those thoughts about a priest. She said the priest told her that she has a crush on this man and she needs to pray for purity of thoughts.
 
If she has lustful thoughts and dwells on them, that is a grave sin. Otherwise, I don’t think she has much to be worried about but I may be wrong. I think that she should probably discuss this with a priest but more than likely not the priest that she has feelings for.
 
2010_Convert said:
I know someone who is married and she has developed feelings of love for her Priest.
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She is not* in love *with her priest. She is *infatuated *with her priest. She has created a false sense of intimacy. She needs to find a different confessor and refrain from situations which will feed her infatuation.
 
gurneyhalleck1 said:
Why am I now in the mood to watch “The Thorn Birds?”
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I so totally LOVE LOVE LOVE this movie. Is that wrong?

I also think part of the attraction is that it is a “safe love” since you know that you will never act on it and in most cases neither will he. So it is safe to love him knowing that that love requires no commitment from you.
 
2010_Convert said:
Thank you all so much for your help with this. Just as a point of information, the priest involved is not handsome and he’s chubby. She says she’s attracted to him because she is drawn to people in authority. This priest is very influential and gifted. I think she feels a closeness to him because he’s her confessor and he knows everything about her. I think your suggestion of prayer is the best advice for me. I’ll pray for her and for her priest because he has dedicated his whole life to God and he doesn’t need this temptation in his life. I will also tell her that she should not share her feelings with the priest. She has confessed her thoughts of lust to another priest, but she didn’t tell him she had those thoughts about a priest. She said the priest told her that she has a crush on this man and she needs to pray for purity of thoughts.
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She should find a different Confessor. No one in her family need know this. There is no reason why she cannot attend mass and other parish functions, but she should distance herself from these intimate moments with the priest. She would not want to cause a scandal, right? She does not want to tempt the priest, right?

Remind her that she always sees the best of him because he is a good priest and a good listener and a gentle person. She does not know what it would be like to be his wife. She is building a fantasy.
 
2010_Convert said:
I know someone who is married and she has developed feelings of love for her Priest. She has asked me if she needs to confess adultery. I am a new convert, so I wasn’t sure what to tell her. The Priest is not aware of her feelings. She has assured me that nothing inappropriate has happened between them and that she would not commit adultery at the risk of destroying her family. Please tell me how to advise her about confession.
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One more thought, although it appears the that you are close friends with her, it is also somewhat inappropriate for her to be discussing her thoughts toward the priest with you. Everyone is human. What temptation is there for you to mention this to your hair stylist, your coffee barista, or another friend. You might want to say one of my friends, thinking if you don’t say her name it will be okay. Anyway, this is something that she should really keep to herself to prevent gossip about the priest.

I am not saying that you are gossiping, I am saying that there is an opportunity for gossip to happen, and that I would like to see your friend avoid the occasion of sin.
 
2010_Convert said:
Thank you all so much for your help with this. Just as a point of information, the priest involved is not handsome and he’s chubby. She says she’s attracted to him because she is drawn to people in authority. This priest is very influential and gifted. I think she feels a closeness to him because he’s her confessor and he knows everything about her. I think your suggestion of prayer is the best advice for me. I’ll pray for her and for her priest because he has dedicated his whole life to God and he doesn’t need this temptation in his life. I will also tell her that she should not share her feelings with the priest. She has confessed her thoughts of lust to another priest, but she didn’t tell him she had those thoughts about a priest. She said the priest told her that she has a crush on this man and she needs to pray for purity of thoughts.
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The best way to deal with such temptations is to remove the occasion of their occurence. She can go elsewhere for confession, surely. Most parishes have programs divided up among parish staff for sanity’s sake. Volunteer in one of the programs he is NOT highly involved in. Exit any program that he’s most heavily into. Reduce contact to pleasantries and highly public events. And get a regular date night at home too!
 
Larsen, thanks for your advice. She feels like she has to talk to someone and I use to be a pastor’s wife so she knows she can trust me to keep her confidence. I only asked the question on here because I wanted to give her the best advice possible and I am a recent convert. This secret will go with me to my grave, but I appreciate your concern for my friend and the priest.
 
Larsen, I’m glad you said you weren’t accusing me of gossip because there for awhile I thought that’s what you were doing. It is my understanding that this group deals with moral issues in theology. If being in love with a priest isn’t a moral dilemma, I don’t know what is. My friend was reaching out for help because she knew that I use to be a pastor’s wife and I have counseled women in the protestant church for years. However, I’m a new convert and I wanted to make sure that I was giving her the right advice. She knows that she can trust me, even if you seem to think I would talk about this precious priest over coffee or at the beauty shop. Give me a break. Everyone seeking advice is not trying to spread malicious gossip.
 
2010_Convert said:
Larsen, I’m glad you said you weren’t accusing me of gossip because there for awhile I thought that’s what you were doing. It is my understanding that this group deals with moral issues in theology. If being in love with a priest isn’t a moral dilemma, I don’t know what is. My friend was reaching out for help because she knew that I use to be a pastor’s wife and I have counseled women in the protestant church for years. However, I’m a new convert and I wanted to make sure that I was giving her the right advice. She knows that she can trust me, even if you seem to think I would talk about this precious priest over coffee or at the beauty shop. Give me a break. Everyone seeking advice is not trying to spread malicious gossip.
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I’ve been off the forum a couple of days for family reasons.

I did not accuse you of gossip. I suggested that you could accidentally slip up simply because you are human. Also as a new convert, you will have about 3 -5 years of development in your faith. On the one hand you may know from RCIA than cradle catholics but on the other hand, you are a newbie.

Yes this is a moral dilemma. Which is exactly why you may gently suggest to her that you are happy to give advice but are not an expert. That is all that I was saying.

I am gentle, loving and kind. I do not use disgusting words or call people names. Why is it that giving someone honest feedback to a situation is considered an attack? Other members actually do call names and are downright crass…
 
Larsen, I’m so sorry. I did not mean to make you think I was offended and I do appreciate your advice. You’re right…No matter what my previous experience was, I am a new catholic and I realize every day how much I have to learn. I’m sure your are a kind person, so am I. I hope you won’t hold it against me if I was a little too sensitive. I honestly wish my friend didn’t feel this way about a consecrated man of God. It’s an uncomfortable position to be in, but for whatever reason I’m involved in the dilemma she’s facing. I appreciate your candor and honesty. Please don’t hesitate to help me out in the future. I need friends like you to point things out to me and help me grow as a practicing catholic. If you don’t mind me asking, how long have you been catholic?
 
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