I have been married for over a decade and have 2 young children. My spouse and I have always had some sexual incompatibility issues, and I have recently given into temptation (adultery) with my first love who has come back into my life. I find myself in love with this person who is not my husband but I do still love my husband - who happens to be a wonderful father. It is simply that my love for my husband seems more platonic. My husband does not know of my infidelity. (It happened only once.) I do not know whether to tell him.** I also do not know if it is fair to him if I stay with him because of the children when I secretly love another. **I talked to a priest but did not get definitive answers. I am depressed and confused. Thank you.
Congratulations, illinoisgirl, on having the courage and honesty to post here!
It is easy for us to tell you what to do, but you know what turmoil you are going through now.
I feel that I am in a position to say “I understand”, because I have been the husband in this situation. Your post could almost have been, word for word, something my ex-wife would have written when she had an affair and was wondering whether to stay with me. Similar to your case it was after 10 years of marriage, but the difference was that I knew all about the affair, and she put me through several months of agony as she mulled over her choices. She was “in love” with this man. Everything about their relationship “felt right”. She sort of loved me, as a friend, but not as a husband and she felt that to stay with me would not be fair to me or the children. (Btw, their affair was not a sudden fling either. We had known the man for years)
However, my ex-wife would not have had the courage expose her situation to other Catholics as you have. She had already left the church, and all religion, effectively, and leaving me was the final step.
So, your plight is somewhat similar to the choices my ex-wife faced after 10 years of marriage. You probably know, or should know, that it is also the plight of millions and millions of spouses, male and female, at some point in their marriage. Each one feels that their “love” for the other person is something special and blessed. This is where adultery comes from. It is rarely a purely “sexual” fling - it is accompanied by strong feelings and a sense of “rightness”.
Your situation probably feels unique and special, but it is not. Many have experienced it. Many (most?) have chosen to remain faithful to their spouse, and others have not. Those who have left their marriage have ended up in the same situations. The second relationship becomes less “special” over time, and usually ends within a few years. They are then alone, and looking for the next relationship. My ex-wife and the other man lasted 15 years, but she is with someone new now. Their original “love” (from the affair) has become completely dead - they don’t even talk anymore.
While the adulterous spouse is taking years to discover what everyone else already knows (ie. that adultery doesn’t work) they cause immense harm to their children and the spouse they have left. There is the obvious emotional harm. There is also often significant financial disadvantage as the two parents stop providing one home, and working together on the financial future. They also stop working together on the raising of the children. There are some misguided psyschologists and counsellors who will tell you that you can raise the children just well when you are divorced. Bull! Utter bull! The damage to the children will run through the rest of their childhood and into their adult life.
Thanks for posting here.
Please listen to the wisdom of history, of the Church, of the Ten Commandments, of Jesus, which all tell us that is adultery is wrong - period. No ifs, buts, or exceptions. Listen to these voices, rather than the voices in your head.
Please, please, break off all contact with this other person and be faithful to your husband. Think about the best things about him. You CAN let go of this other person. You CAN still have a wonderful marriage and happiness.
Please go to confession and keep going while you work this through.
As most people here have advised, don’t tell your husband. However, I would recommend that you do find someone else to confide in and give you a “reality check” while you work this thru. A good Catholic woman, who will listen without judging you would be best.
I am praying for you and your family.
Edmundus
