In love with the wrong person?

[Southern_Eagle]

Sorry for a VERY long-winded post:blush: , but I could really use some advice! Plus, I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this…
Hello everyone-
I returned to the church two years ago and it has been a long, slow journey to becoming the Christian and Catholic that I (and all of us) are called to be.
Oftentimes I feel alone in the faith, but I got some great encouragement from some folks on another thread about that.
Anyhoo, as far as this thread is concerned, only recently have I truly discovered what love is in its truest, purest form.
I believe I have fallen in love, and that I now truly know the love God wants us to have for another. It has been very eye-opening. Unfortunately, the woman I am in love with is in another relationship.
Her relationship is very abusive, and we’ve been friends for quite some time (her “significant other” is also an acquaintance from way back when.)
I have always supported her in times of sorrow. Many times she has run to me for comfort, and I have always been there to comfort her. I think this may have been the spark that helped ignite our feelings for one another.
She has feelings for me too, but she is in such an emotionally “bad” state because of the neglect and poor treatment she receives in her relationship. She has said that she sees"no way out."
She says when she has “relations” with him, she feels “nothing.” She continues to do it because it is what she is used to and is afraid of the consequences of leaving him.
Anyway, we had a few sexual encounters a while back (behind her boyfriend’s back) in which, in each others’ weakness, we forgot ourselves. I was immediately regretful of these things happening, have confessed my sins, remain diligent to stay in a state of grace and have tried to explain to her why what we did was so wrong - not only by society’s standards, but by God’s as well. I do truly regret both my sins and leading her into sin.
She was raised in some sort of non-denominational Christian Church, and it is very clear that her family truly loves the Lord, but she is so immersed in the “culture of death” (not to sound judgemental) to realize the errors of her ways. Actually, I think part of what has drawn me to her is the fact that, when I was her age, (she’s 23 and I’m 26 - not to sound like I’m "so much older and wiser ) I was exactly like her - living only for myself and succumbing to all my earthly desires. Obviously I still struggle with that, but the church has taught me right from wrong, and, if anything, those experiences have made me work harder to live a holy and chaste life.
I email her each day’s mass readings and a little reflection, and I can see that she has so much desire to get out of her “rut” and get closer to God, but she feels so trapped by her and her boyfriend’s lifestyle.
Hopefully these reflections will bear fruit. She gets so motivated after reading them, but it doesn’t last, and she heads out with her boyfriend to the same bar to do the same “stuff.”
I try and quote the saints sometimes in these reflections, and that’s one thing she seems generally interested in reading more about. I got her "The Saints’ Guide to Happiness by Robert Ellsberg for Christmas…
I’m not trying to “forcefeed” God to her, and she understands that. She really enjoys the reflections, although she only checks them every couple of days and reads them all at once, but she always wants to talk about them and learn more…
Anyway, she continues to live in sin with him and it hurts my soul, but I have obviously been such a bad example in the past, so I can’t really try to play “holier than thou.”
My main concern is to see her happy. I have prayed and prayed to find out if my motivations to see her happy are for my own selfish reasons or for her own well being, and I truly believe she wants to change and build a relationship with God, and I can help her. As far as my feelings for her go, obviously I have struggled not to pursue them, but they’re still there.
But right now, I just want to be her friend.
So with the background laid out, how can I remain in her life without leading her and myself into sin, not try to appear like I am trying to “change” her and handle this situation the way Christ wants me too?
Should I suppress my feelings for her (of course any lustful feelings I have are being prayerfully dealt with, but should I also try and get rid of the true and deep love I feel for her)?
I tend to get a little long-winded when I post, and for that I apologize. I just want to figure out if my actions and my feelings are good and should continue. She always tells me how much she needs me, and I feel like it’s the truth…
Thanks - any and all advice would be most appreciated!

 

[rwoehmke]

She is in an abusive relationship with a man who may well come after you both if he finds out. People are killed every day by guys like this. It also would appear she is not willing to change a lifestyle that you find less than stellar. My advice is that you sound like one of those guys who likes to pick what I call “wounded birds,” females that “need” you. You feel good being her “savior” and hero, but it is only an illusion of love.

Get away from her and work on your own self esteem before picking up another “wounded bird.” Unless you attain good psychological health you run the danger of marrying a “wounded bird” and if she somehow manages to get healthy later on in life your relationship will suffer.

 

[Southern_Eagle]

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut rwoehmke-
As for your first point, I understand the inherent risk in what could arise if our “secret” got out. The fact that it even happened in the first place has really caused me a lot of anguish and shame, but I am also willing to accept my mistakes. It has been one of my main priority to try and “correct” the error of my ways.
As far as this man “coming after” anyone, that is an issue could arise and one I would have to deal with.
However I am more concerned for her. The “wounded bird” theory is an interesting one, and one I’ll have to ponder on that for a while, but I don’t honestly think this is an issue of self esteem for me. I have known her for years, and I have always felt that God put her in my life for a reason. If she didn’t need my help and our relationship was “easier”, I wouldn’t complain…
I feel that she is crying to me for help, and I need to be there for her, because nobody else really is.
As for our feelings, I am well aware that we wouldn’t be able to explore them any time soon. My main priority is to try and be there for a friend in need. Although my feelings do play a role in that, I still don’t feel that abandoning a friend - even one I have such strong feelings for - is the right thing to do. Thoughts?

 

[Christy_Beth]

Years ago I was in a emotionally/mentally abusive relationship. I finally got out of it. But only because he and his family felt I wasn’t “good enough.” I wouldn’t wait on them hand and foot like I was “suppose” to.

Anyway, it took me years to move past that. Good counseling helped. But most of it took time and the knowledge that I had done everything I could have done to keep the relationship together. If there is a domestic violence thing in your area, contact them immediately. And make sure she gets into that. There may be temporary housing for people in her situation. A “safe house.” But don’t let her lean on you any more. That doesn’t help the situation at all.

Even now, as I look back, I can see what I and others had done wrong, or right. Another person would have had limited influence. She does need help, but she needs more than you can give her.

 

[GraceDK]

there is no wrong person to love…
does she love you too?
I think she needs your help…
heheh… but I am also in love with a wounded bird and
he caused me so much suffering already.
I dont know… I just… dont want you to give up on her…
she will come to life if she is loved in a pure and holy way.
people give up on people every day… but
I think you should talk to her.
Tell her that you want her to start afresh with you… a new start in her life and yours where she has to start by leaving this dude.
she is probably afraid to because she feels unlovable now after having been with this looser for so long. we sometimes cling to the wrong people because we are afraid of being alone.
But she is still alive in there… tell her she wont be alone if she leaves him but she will have you. if she loves you too…
But tell her to make a choice and if she stays with this guy you gotta let her go for the sake of your own life…

man… I am in no state to give advice…

 

[Lainey63]

Try surrendering to God…& letting go. That doesn’t necessarily mean saying goodbye…but it sounds like she’s got a lot of issues to work through. Keep putting her in the ocean of infinite mercy of the Sacred Heart of Jesus…just keep praying and trusting in God & He will guide you through this:flowers:

 

[Southern_Eagle]

I sincerely want to thank everybody who took the time to respond. I would respond to each of you individually, but you’ve all given me things to think about and I thank you.
GraceDK and Christy Beth, my heart and prayers go out to you both. Lainey63 - could you explain “putting her in the ocean of infinite mercy of the Sacred Heart of Jesus” for me? Is that a specific prayer?
Anyways, we talked on Christmas. It kind of hit her like a ton of bricks all of a sudden just how bad her situation really is.
I do want to clarify that, outside of some drunken shoving matches, the abuse is taking a toll mentally much more than physically. She fights back when he gets physical, and it’s never escalated into a serious injury (thankfully). Just some shoving back and forth.
She became very emotional and upset in talking to me. I guess what she was trying to explain to me was that her relationship is the only thing that had seemed “real” in her life, and now nothing seems real. She has seen the reality of the situation, and realized that he doesn’t “love” her. She was glad that I was there to talk to her and she said that me being there made it her “happiest and saddest” Christmas ever.
She said that she wishes she could be with me, but feels like she has to move away and start over completely fresh.
I understand where she’s coming from. She’s given herself six months to try and straighten everything out, but feels like she will end up “moving on” and leaving everything behind.
I think I understand why she wants that, but - for me anyway - it kind of seems like she’s “throwing the baby out with the bathwater.”
She feels like she can’t trust me (or anyone else), but deep down, I know I would give her the world if I could. She will not be quick to trust anyone though, and I understand that.
I just wish she could see through the muck though and realize what I could offer her.
Mainly though, I just keep emphasizing that she doesn’t have to trust me, or anyone else for that matter, if she puts her trust in God. He’ll never break that trust.
Of course, I wish she could trust me too. I’ve never been in love before this, so I struggle with how to handle the situation and my feelings. I do wish she could feel the same way about me.
Just a little bit of selfishness on my part I guess. If leaving behind everything (including me) would make her happy, it would make me happy too (for her, anyway). I think.
I’m just glad that she has realized that she needs to take steps to change the direction of her life.
I will continue to pray for her, and will suck it up and be there for her in whatever way she needs me to, and play whatever roll in her life I can to make it better.
Thanks again for your thoughtful responses.
And thanks for letting me vent. It feels good getting all this off my chest.

 

[Lainey63]

Yes…it is a prayer…I kinda sorta made it up…but I always say that little prayer for my kids-both adults now & my entire family. It gives me a lot of comfort and I can see some changes going on. I have a daughter who is a drug addict and she always gravitates to men who abuse her. But there are many domestic abuse hotlines available, but she has to make the call…there is a lot of help available to her. From what you have written it sounds like she also has a drinking problem as well. I can tell you that if that is the case…she needs to get into a program of recovery and right now as it stands she is uncapable to love herself…never mind anybody else. I would encourage her to seek help from those who have been in the same situation as she and go to some AA meetings to see if she does have a problem with alcohol. There is a lot of help available for her…but she has to want it & you can’t force it upon her. I hope I didn’t overstep my bounds but I didn’t want to overlook the use of alcohol involvement which you stated a couple of times.

 

[Southern_Eagle]

Just wanted to update those concerned with the situation.
She broke up with her boyfriend. she has gone away to visit her sister.
There’s no telling what happens next, but I am VERY proud of her.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and prayers…

 

[GraceDK]

HALLELUJA BROTHER!
Thats wonderful! I hope everything works out for you both, seperately or together. Its never wrong to love someone… and pray for them. And if you have made mistakes with and infront of her then do not think that all is lost because of that and that you cannot testify to the light anymore in a credible way. Of course you can and do. We testify to the light while we ourselves become tested in the fire of suffering caused by ourselves and others.
That she can choose good for her self is a great sign that she is not so much a wounded bird … or at least she is recovering. Dont give up on her. Give her time and be a brother to her… she is lucky to have you.
God bless you.

Grace:thumbsup: