In need of advice: The woman I love is marrying someone else

[TheRealJuliane]

I agree that the OP should move on, though I find the idea that people get what they want to be, with all due respect, crazy. Perhaps in some obscure philosophical way that I’m too dull to grasp, but certainly not in any practical way, and not in the business of love. I really, really, really want a better job that will support my family, and have really, really, really wanted it for 4+ years now. I pursue every opportunity that comes along, apply to every job I’m remotely qualified for, etc. Still waiting. What is the timing of this principle? Have I not waited long enough? I would say it applies even less to love than to work. Unrequited love is one of the great tragedies of human history, and some souls drink deeply from its well. Those of us who are older and have been married for years may smile at this man’s story and downplay the significance of it. Maybe it is just a youthful crush that will pass in a few months. Or maybe it’s a devastating heart-break whose effects will last a lifetime, though time may dull them. (Time heals nothing, though we may forget.) Based on the description I would guess its more the former than the latter, but who can judge another person’s heart?

Love the distressed damsel line though, have to remember that!

To the OP: hang in there. Bigger disappointments surely await you, and greater suffering than you are experiencing now. But happiness and pleasures await as well. I find it helpful to remind myself that the purpose of life is to become a saint. That puts everything else in perspective. The trick is to believe that enough to live like it’s true. Every time I pray the faith bead on the rosary lately I ask for faith to believe this. Helps me a lot. For that matter, devote yourself to the Blessed Mother if you haven’t already. Pray the rosary every day. Go to adoration and mass as often as you can. It will all be over sooner than you think.

ld

I can’t take credit for that line, it belongs to Dr. Laura.

As for what I wrote about people getting what they want in life, that applies to people who create and live chaos, disruption, dysfunction, etc. - the ones who are always needing to be rescued and can never seem to get it together. Or the people who do what the OP’s love interest do - break up, get back together, break up, etc. I probably am not explaining it well enough. I’ll try again. When we see people who seem to need rescuing, we assume that with just a little assistance, they will get back to “normal,” which means functioning the way most of the rest of us do, right? But people construct their lives the way they want to live them. The people who thrive on chaos and co-dependency go out and make it happen. The people who like calm and order usually have more of that in their lives.

The problem is when there’s some little illusion in the life of what might be an otherwise sane person’s mind, and they intersect with one of the chaos-bringers…Spark! Wow, maybe if I just love this person enough, he or she will get it together and then, oh, boy, I will get the prize. If I fix this person’s problem, I will have helped her and all will be well.

I came to this recognition because my sister was one of those always in distress people. There was always something going on, reasons why she was broke, excuses as to why she got behind on car payments, drama and trauma galore. My father tried to help her most of his life. He wasn’t helping, he was just participating in her antics. It wasn’t that outside circumstances were in control of her, it really was that she CHOSE that way of life.

I have other people in my life that cause way more chaos than my sister ever did. People still don’t understand just how these people operate, and what they really thrive upon. I want to get as far away as possible.

 

[Daegus]

There are several billions of people in this world.

You’ve got plenty of options my friend.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Only I didn’t tell her how I really felt because I was afraid it would ruin our friendship.

To be honest, I felt she only saw me as anything more than a friend because, even though she was always happy to see me and said she thought it would be great if we hung out more, she always seemed busy with work.

It’s sounds like you were afraid. Too win anything in this life you have to take a risk. It’s that simple. Next time don’t be so afraid or you’ll be single the rest of your life.

Then, just yesterday, she announced on FB that not only that she and her ex-boyfriend had gotten back together again, but that they were engaged to be married. Not only was I crushed, but this took me by complete surprise, because she had given no indication whatsoever that she was seeing him again and I believe he had only returned to the area just this last Christmas.

I know that she has every right to choose whom to marry, and, if this is what she truly wants, then out of love for her, I will pray that she and her husband to be will have a successful and loving marriage, because it is her happiness which is important. But at the same time, I can’t help but think she’s making a big mistake. ]Not because she doesn’t love him or that he isn’t a good man, but that she may be marrying him because she’s tired of being single and feels that she has to get married. But then, that may be my heartache talking. I don’t know what I should do./QUOTE]

Your just making assumptions. You had a chance to tell her already how you felt it’s time to move on.

 

[Charlotte408]

Awe this is the sweetest thing I’ve read in so long.

I know this situation causes you pain, but it made my heart smile. God bless you and thank you for reassuring me that loving men are still out there.

 

[kslat]

I had the hugest crush on a guy for a couple years. I was convinced that he liked me in return, and looking back, I think there may have been a time or two when he did. I was certain that we were meant to be together, that it was God’s will, and that God would make sure it all worked out. (I do not say I was in love with him, because although I half thought I was and wanted to think that I was (but still knew it wasn’t), to help my cause, now that I know love, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was not love. But I may very well have been in the same place you were.)

Over time, nothing happened. And I became more and more obsessed. I was convinced I loved this man, that if I waited long enough, something would happen. We’d be together.

A friend who knew a lot about the situation suggested I go to confession–not because I’d necessarily done anything wrong, but because it might help.

So I did. And in my examination of conscience, I realized that my obsession was sinful, even if not mortally sinful. And not really automatically, because I still struggled for a little while after, but over time, it helped me to let go.

So I give you the same advice: have you been to the sacrament of reconciliation lately? If not, it might help.

It’s a struggle, I know. I’ll keep you in my prayers. Keep fighting, and seek God primarily. He will help you to find the woman you will spend the rest of your life with, if it is your vocation.

 

[AveMaria5]

Many many years ago, when I was eighteen, I met a wonderful young lady and fell in love. When I asked her to marry me, she told me she would not marry in the Catholic Church since she taught Sunday school in another church community. I was devastated, but my faith was important, so we parted. Guess God had other things in store for me because ten years later I emigrated to Canada to a little community in Northern Ontario; While returning by train from a scout camp, I was introduced by one of my Rovers, to a young redhead who was from that same town. One year later we married, and I can assure you God made no mistake, she truly was the most wonderful wife a man could hope for. she converted, and was the ideal Catholic, refusing to use birth control even though all our children where born by C section, and one year apart.
In all of my eighty two years, God had never let me down when I handed over to him, which I do more and more lately. He has something planned for you if you are faithful to him and ask for his guidance.

Oh my goodness, that is beautiful!

 

[chevalier]

Hey, MJM. I’ve been in a couple of similar situations (and a slew of other weird romantic situations), if not of the same gravity.

When I was sixteen or seventeen, there was that girl, my best buddy’s cousin, very nice, we were getting along really well, instinctly, without having to force it, and she was kind to me. At that point in my life it was something totally unique to me (and still has been, for that matter). It took a whole lot of reassurance and mustering up and whatnot for me to get the courage to ask her out. Later, she phoned and cancelled it without setting a specific date, though indicating two weeks thereafter would be a better moment, which I, in my world-wisdom, took to be a cold shower and acted accordingly. I was left with photos that I kept for a long time and returned to. Years later, when she was already with someone, I learnt that she had actually been interested, it was my friend who relayed what she told him. It was rather painful. Whenever I did not have a special lady in my life, I returned in my mind to those moments and used to speak about “my mistake”. My buddy provided me with some little knowledge of how things were going in her life, we would exchange a meaningful nod or a minute of telling silence. Eventually, she married that same guy. Hope they’re happy. After years, it is easier for me to see what it really was, an all right interest in a girl but a relatively not so deep acquaintance, nor was she interested enough to get in touch with me to set up a date. In which there is nothing to blame her for at all, it is just how things go in life.

There have also been a couple of ladies “not ready” for reasons coming down to an “ex”, off-and-on or not, regardless of their initial or even subsequent behaviour toward me. Their loss. If they really were interested, they would likely have got over their inhibiting circumstance, as they sometimes did with some other guy.

On the other hand, there are things you won’t know until you ask or someone tells you (as in my first example) but it is debatable to what extent such knowledge could have changed reality. In fact, they truly might and sure, a good relationship may be prevented by inaction on at least one side, but again, the “what if” will not will not come to a reliable answer. There is always some mystery in life.

On a lighter note:

There are several billions of people in this world.

You’ve got plenty of options my friend.

I actually did some fancy hocus-pocus pseudomath on one day and it turned out if I were to give all my potential matches on the earth a whole day, I might even not be grey when the process ended.

Only half of the people are of the other sex. Then, the majority are outside your age category. Of those within it, a great share are married already, a great share of the rest being seriously involved with someone. Then, Catholics form about 17% of the world populace, out of which a minor share accept the Church’s teaching on sexuality; the number of people from other religions or without religion that hold compatible views on marriage and marital life won’t be very high, either. Then how many people of the other sex appeal to you out of 10, typically? These and more factors overlap to such an extent it’s impossible to offer even an approximate calculation with any degree of reliability, but one thing is sure: the range isn’t in high numbers and the pickier you are, the worse it gets.

Many many years ago, when I was eighteen, I met a wonderful young lady and fell in love. When I asked her to marry me, she told me she would not marry in the Catholic Church since she taught Sunday school in another church community. I was devastated, but my faith was important, so we parted. Guess God had other things in store for me because ten years later I emigrated to Canada to a little community in Northern Ontario; While returning by train from a scout camp, I was introduced by one of my Rovers, to a young redhead who was from that same town. One year later we married, and I can assure you God made no mistake, she truly was the most wonderful wife a man could hope for. she converted, and was the ideal Catholic, refusing to use birth control even though all our children where born by C section, and one year apart.
In all of my eighty two years, God had never let me down when I handed over to him, which I do more and more lately. He has something planned for you if you are faithful to him and ask for his guidance.

Thank you for the tale. :tiphat: