In need of advice

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ymartinez1015

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Hello everyone,

First let me start off by saying, my husband and I are happily married and have an amazing, excellent marriage. Lately we have been going through a challenging time in our lives. We have discussed our challenge with our priest and to be honest with you, it’s a defect I have. The challenge is as follows, my husband has been friends with his best friend for a little over seven years. The problem here is, I don’t like them. His wife is “fake.” Our priest said I need to be charitable. I don’t have a problem being charitable however my problem is, I don’t want to be around them however I am going to have to. I want to fix this problem right away. Our priest said I need to pray about this. Any words of wisdom and advice would be greatly appreciated!
 
Since it seems you have to be around them, you will just have to be polite and not let your true feelings show. Sometimes we can’t avoid the people we don’t like, so we have to put on the smile and be as nice as we ought to be.
 
ymartinez1015 said:
Hello everyone,

First let me start off by saying, my husband and I are happily married and have an amazing, excellent marriage. Lately we have been going through a challenging time in our lives. We have discussed our challenge with our priest and to be honest with you, it’s a defect I have. The challenge is as follows, my husband has been friends with his best friend for a little over seven years. The problem here is, I don’t like them. His wife is “fake.” Our priest said I need to be charitable. I don’t have a problem being charitable however my problem is, I don’t want to be around them however I am going to have to. I want to fix this problem right away. Our priest said I need to pray about this. Any words of wisdom and advice would be greatly appreciated!
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I’m assuming the problem here is that your husband doen’st feel that way about his friends?

i’m not married, but if i was, i personally wouldn’t tell my husband to give up friends, simply because i didn’t like them. unless there was an actually problem or he was being influenced in some negative way

I’m not saying that’s what you should do, just how i would probably handle it, i think it depends on the friends or circumstances, ther’s really not a lot of ddetail to go off from your post.

also, imagine if your husband were upset about a friend of yours? maybe you disagreed about that person, what you do if you were in that situation? just give up your friend because you felt like you had to? that’s probably not going to benefit your marriage, in the long run.

I’d say, just keep the communication lines open with your husband, it’s good that you’ve spoken to a priest about it. and yes, pray about it.

don’t know ifthat helps or not
 
First, I would pray for this lady. For some reason, praying for people I don’t like helps!

Also consider that she may be very insecure. Maybe if you ask for her help in a small matter or two, and compliment her on something she’s good at, she’ll relax and be less fake?
 
I’ll never forget good advice I got at pre-Cana, 17 years ago, long before I was happily married: only argue with your spouse about something you feel so strongly about that you want your spouse to lose.

Is this couple something you feel so strongly about that you want your husband to lose? Maybe; that’s your call.

Further, is there some middle ground? Perhaps “honey, I know mr. X is your friend, but I really, really don’t like mrs. X; she doesn’t edify me; I would like not to be involved when she’s around.”

Just throwing that out for discussion.
 
Maybe she seems fake because she knows , can sense, that you dislike and are judging her? There may be reasons why she is not comfortable in interacting and may be having as much trouble as you in liking her husband’s friend’s wife.
She is having a friendship forced on her also, and it may be hard for her too.
She may see things in you that she doesn’t like also and so tries to be as friendly as she can manage and so seems fake because it’s hard for her also.

We don’t always see ourselves as others do, and we are very sensitive to when people don’t like us. Poor you. Poor her. God. Her charity seems forced, but God grant you the graces to have authentic compassion and find a way to put the relationship with her on a natural basis. That may be difficult after seven years as she, like you, may be too wary by now. Maybe interaction doesn’t come easily for her, so she tries hard and thus is fake in your instinct.
You can be pretty sure that she knows you don’t like or enjoy her.
 
It’s OK to have separate friends - it’s not necessary to do everything as a couple. My husband & I have some separate friends because of different interests.
 
St_Francis said:
First, I would pray for this lady. For some reason, praying for people I don’t like helps!

Also consider that she may be very insecure. Maybe if you ask for her help in a small matter or two, and compliment her on something she’s good at, she’ll relax and be less fake?
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^ Excellent advice that I want to second.

You’d be amazed at what getting on your knees every night and truly meditating on behalf of another can do. Actual prayer… not words coming out of your mouth (or mind). God commands it.
 
This may be a huge stretch, but could you ask her advice on something like decorating or gift ideas? Can you meet for a quick cup of coffee?

And please reply if I am unreasonable!
 
Keep the whole thing concrete.

If she or her husband were succeeding in manipulating your husband something serious would need thinking up to deal with it, otherwise all the above suggestions sound great.
 
I suggest you heed your priest’s advice and use these circumstances as an opportunity to practice charity. This reminds me of a conversation St. Faustina had with Our Lord:
My pupil, have great love for those who cause you suffering. Do good to those who hate you. I answered, ‘O my Master, You see very well that I feel no love for them, and that troubles me.’ Jesus answered, It is not always within your power to control your feelings. You will recognize that you have love if, after having experienced annoyances and contradiction, you do not lose your peace, but pray for those who have made you suffer and wish them well. (Diary,1628)
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In another instance St. Faustina writes:
O my Jesus, you know what efforts are needed to live sincerely and unaffectedly with those from whom our nature flees, or with those who, deliberately or not, have made us suffer. Humanly speaking, this is impossible. At such times more than at others, I try to discover the Lord Jesus in such a person and for the same Jesus, I do everything for such people. (Diary, 766)
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And we can’t forget the second greatest Commandment,
…] You shall love your neighbor as yourself. (Matthew, 22:39)
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God bless,

Josie

*Jesus’ words are in bold
 
We all have duel personalities; one for home and families and one for public and friemies. Usually when we are with others outside our own little comfort zone we try to put on our best face. This may be what the other party is doing; trying to put forth her best personal posture. I find that most people do the same without an intent to be “fake,” but to be accepted. If you want to be charitable invite the women out for lunch, coffee or for a friendly visit in your home or hers. You will be surprised how fast the “fake” will fall away and you find yourself liking the person. Jesus ate and was a friend of sinners. Can we try to be similar? Peace.
 
Once there was a person in my class who really disliked me. This person even went around telling other people how awful I was. Then we had to work on a project together. The person became one of my best friends. Obviously there were qualities I projected that weren’t very admirable to this person. But when they got to know me, they either discovered other qualities or they realized their original judgment was wrong. You never know.
 
Thank you for all of your responses. There are a few things that bother me about this couple. One of them being, they are drinkers. While they have yet to do anything in front of me, this still lingers through my mind. I know I am not always going to be around people who are the same level my husband and I are however I don’t know what to do. I cannot get myself to invite her anywhere or have a get together. It is not in me and will not be genuine. This is something that I am really struggling with and it breaks my heart because my husband is good friends with them. They see him as family but not my children and I. I am stuck and I truly want to be charitable however it is simply not in me.
 
The times we have gone to their home, they do not greet me they only greet my husband. My husband says because they have been friends for a long time, they do not see the reason to greet anyone. They are not hospitable or great hostess.
 
Well, how do you know they are drinkers if you have never seen them drink? Someone told you so? Perhaps they sense your slight elitism even if you may be unaware of it. What is a “drinker” to you…someone who has a glass of wine, a bottle of wine, the hard stuff on a regular or semi-reg. basis? On rare occasion I will accept the offer of a glass of wine, but never the hard stuff. Even my own niece was scandalized that I had a glass of wine and exploded, "I didn’t know you drank, Aunt ###. Jesus associated with the hard core of his people, but reserved judgment in many cases as He knew that His Father would be the judge in the finality of time. I guess we need to do the same. BTW, we all suffer from the same ailment of judgment-prejudgment and a slight bit of elitism, so don’t feel bad, but try to rise above it. Peace.
 
Mary_Estelle said:
Well, how do you know they are drinkers if you have never seen them drink? Someone told you so? Perhaps they sense your slight elitism even if you may be unaware of it. What is a “drinker” to you…someone who has a glass of wine, a bottle of wine, the hard stuff on a regular or semi-reg. basis? On rare occasion I will accept the offer of a glass of wine, but never the hard stuff. Even my own niece was scandalized that I had a glass of wine and exploded, "I didn’t know you drank, Aunt ###. Jesus associated with the hard core of his people, but reserved judgment in many cases as He knew that His Father would be the judge in the finality of time. I guess we need to do the same. BTW, we all suffer from the same ailment of judgment-prejudgment and a slight bit of elitism, so don’t feel bad, but try to rise above it. Peace.
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I have seen them get buzzed.
 
Bonnie said:
It’s OK to have separate friends - it’s not necessary to do everything as a couple. My husband & I have some separate friends because of different interests.
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This. 👍

My wife and I both have separate friends. Her best friend’s husband and I are like oil and water. No shared interests, nothing in common, no reason to be around each other. I get the impression that he’s a nice guy, but not everyone is going to like everyone else. Consequently, the ladies do their thing while I have some “me” time. I assume that Best Friend’s hubby does the same. Works out for everyone.
 
ymartinez1015 said:
The times we have gone to their home, they do not greet me they only greet my husband. My husband says because they have been friends for a long time, they do not see the reason to greet anyone. They are not hospitable or great hostess.
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In view of 14-15, and re-reading 1, I say this is of concern.

The defect is not in you at all.

I’ve said an Our Father for all of you.

The priest is wrong to burden you.

Please pray for them and for your husband and ask your husband to join you in praying that they will be civil to you and your children.

Pray secretly that if they seriously don’t want to do the latter, that they will “go off” your husband (but don’t tell him that part).

That way you can look to God to put the situation right either way.
 
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