In need of advice

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ymartinez1015

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We are a military family. There is a lot of pressure on my husband and as a leader. My husband is struggling with balancing family life and the needs of the military. He doesn’t want me to feel neglected. I have offered options however we keep on running into a wall. In some ways I do feel neglected however I do know he needs to meet the needs of the military. How can I support my husband to meet the needs of the military without me feeling neglected?
 
We are a military family. There is a lot of pressure on my husband and as a leader. My husband is struggling with balancing family life and the needs of the military. He doesn’t want me to feel neglected. I have offered options however we keep on running into a wall. In some ways I do feel neglected however I do know he needs to meet the needs of the military. How can I support my husband to meet the needs of the military without me feeling neglected?
What is the brick wall? Is it your husband or the military?
 
My husband is in the military. The brick wall is not coming to a common ground.
 
He has the option to do what he needs to do in the morning and or in the afternoon before our family dinner. . I suggested he could do it for about 2 hours. He said, he doesn’t know how long it will take him since the days will vary from day to day. I don’t want our time together as a family and couple to be taken away.
 
Even in the white collar world, a good professional job tends to be pretty demanding in terms of time commitment. My husband has (as family stuff goes) a very good job, but we have the following stuff:

–round the clock emails that have to be dealt with quickly
–evening events
–weekend events
–a week of business travel from time to time
–lots of working on “vacations”

If I were you, I think I’d try harder to produce family and daddy-with-kids time, rather than to roll back military time, if you know what I mean. For instance, I try to enforce rules like no phone during dinner with some success (but sometimes it really is that important). I have attempted to establish the idea that (barring some special circumstance), my husband is in charge of the 3-year-old for the hour after dinner, so I can go grocery shopping by myself, take a bath, do some emails and paperwork, work on laundry by myself, etc. (The big kids are just fine left to their own devices.) We also both work on trying to make Sunday sacrosanct, so we try to knock out school work, work work, and household maintenance on Saturday and then spend Sunday doing Mass and family fun. Saturday morning is devoted to home projects and we almost always stop by lunchtime.

So, rather than asking him to work during particular times, perhaps you could ask for dibs on certain time slots?

bitterhope, over to you.
 
What Xantippe said is really good. Depending on what is going on with his unit he may not have many options in what his free time is. If you’re talking about when he is off work he’s still not around because he chooses not to be, that’s a little different.

Not knowing his unit, MOS or rank (please don’t post them here!) it’s very hard to know really what is a basic schedule. What a lower enlisted cook in HQ is tied up with will be very different than a field grade NCO in infantry is tied up with. Special units and officers are going to have more leeway with actual scheduled times but will be more likely to need 24 hr contact/report than MPs. PM me if you need support. I’ve been a military wife 12 years. My husband has been in regular army units as well as on special assignments, and numerous deployments and humanitarian missions. MFLC and chaplains are your best bet for in person help. Make use of them. They can help you determine if it’s simply a scheduling conflict or something deeper.

You may need to get creative about family time and activities. Meet up at the MWR or USO for lunch or dinner on days he’s got CQ/staff duty. Have a picnic in the motor pool if his unit allows it. Some units preach family and others want you to forget you’ve got one unfortunately. I’ll say a prayer for you and your family. If you need resources for in person support I can find them for you. There’s a lot out there for military families.
 
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