In need of advise

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Anna's Mom:
Earlier in this thread I read something about fasting on wed and fri for family issues. Please excuse my ignorance about religion, how is this done? I have allowed myself only beverages today. I told God I am fasting to help my family with its problems. Was this correct??
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Keep in mind that you can also offer up your sufferings for your intentions along with fasting. 👍

This is my guess, I suspect that God is allowing this situation to happen for the purpose of bringing you back to him. He is calling you through your suffering, and He may also be doing the same thing with your DH. That’s why we always have to be patient and give God the benefit of the doubt. We may be suffering and hopeless, but most likely He is using our suffering for a good purpose. He misses you and decided it was time to bring you to your knees to get you to come back home.
 
Anna’s Mom:

I would urge you to have a complete medical check up, unless you’ve seen your OB/Gyn in the last year. You might be dealing with depression, which would affect every relationship you have, including your precious daughter.

Also, if your husband left the house two months ago, you are now in charge of your finances. I would encourage you to open up a bank account in your name only as soon as you can. Also, close any credit cards that you and your estranged husband share. DO NOT give him PIN numbers, passwords, ATM/Debit cards etc. to your new accounts. Do this as soon as possible, please. For your daughters sake. You may one day stand in court fighting for custody of your child. The more you can prove that you are the responsible parent, the more likely you will receive custody of your daughter.

Your husband has left you. He has decided to put himself first. While reconciliation might be possible, you need to take steps toward protecting your emotions and finances so that if the time comes when you are a single parent, you will need to focus your energy on your daughter and yourself in an emotional sense. You don’t want to have major problems on the financial side of things too.
 
My hudband is still providing for us financially. We are badly in need of money, but he is trying his best to get all of us caught up. These finances are not helping his stress any. Thank you all for your concern of my well being, but I feel confident that my husband will always provide for his daughter. He loves her so and cares for her well being.
 
Hello Anna’s Mom, I hope you are doing a little better. I just wanted to recommend Retrovaille (sp?) to you. From what I understand, it is set up for marriages that are in crisis and really helps both spouses with their issues, especially your husbands issue of not letting go of what he blames you for. I’m sure that there are other Forum members that can tell you plenty about this, or you can start another thread or google it. If you can get your husband to go, I think both of you will be helped. Ask him if he would at the very least make this last ditch effort with you. I think it will be totally different from your experiance with Counselors or Therapists.

I also heartily recommend to you to contact a parish near you, you might find help with a support group or even just a mommie’s group that can just give you some sort of activity so that you don’t eat yourself up with worry all the time, it’s not good for you or your child or the mending of your marriage to run your nerves ragged.

Know that we are right here for any more questions, ventings, or conversations that you may have, but before you go to us, just lay out your heart to Christ, He is your Rock.
 
how can I open my husbands eyes and heart so he can see my love? any ideas?
 
Anna's Mom:
how can I open my husbands eyes and heart so he can see my love? any ideas?
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You can’t.😦

Most of our misery is created because we think we can change/control another’s behavior. Sorry, I wish it worked that way, but it just doesn’t.

I don’t recall if this has been mentioned before, but I highly recommend Dr.Laura’s book called “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”.

It helps women realize what they can and cannot change in their marriages. I borrowed a copy from my local library.

It also explains how men and women view love. So, while you may think you are showing him the love he craves, he may not recognize it.

I will pray that you and your husband can repair your damaged marriage and come together and be great spouses and parents.

Malia
 
here is a letter about the book that you may be interested in:

Saved My Marriage!

Dr. Laura,

I simply must tell you my story singing the praises of “Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands” - you see, it was just over a year ago that you actually read a letter of mine on the air referring to stay at home mothers, and that after leaving my full time job to be a “full time mom”, my biggest struggle was being a, “full time wife”.

After being at home with my 2 boys almost 6 months, my husband approached me as we were browsing a local book store and handed me a copy of “Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands”. I thought he was just joking! After all, I was now what he always wanted, a “stay at home mother and wife”.

However, after a hard, arduous few days my husband finally admitted that he was simply not happy…
drlaura.com/letters/index.html?mode=view&tile=1&id=10358

malia
 
Love is a committment, not a feeling. Your husband left, and that shows that his committment is not strong. I can remember 20 years ago when I was in the same situation as you are. I was in K Mart and it was Chirstmas time. I never have experienced anxiety and loneliness like that. I went to college, got a job, and now I go to K mart at Christmas and sing praise. You know what, when your spouse leaves you, Jesus steps in to fill the gap. I think the Lord is saving you from a lifetime of belittlement. Learn now that God, the Father, Jesus, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are to be first in your life. The Triune God is the head of your household-get the point. If you try to make your husband fill that void, you will never succeed. St. Augustine stated that “Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee, Oh God.” Your husband will keep searching for something to fill that void. It is a basic truth that both of you need to know. That is how successful marriages are built, with God at the top.
 
Anna's Mom:
how can I open my husbands eyes and heart so he can see my love? any ideas?
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You can’t. You do not have that kind of power. Period.

What you CAN do is work on yourself to be the best you can be, the best spouse you can be, and the best MOM you can be, letting God show you what needs to be changed. Those changes made by the Holy Spirit are often the very thing that others see in us that draws them to us.

The only person we have any control over at all is ourselves. And we need to have our priorities in line… God must come first.
 
Anna's Mom:
how can I open my husbands eyes and heart so he can see my love? any ideas?
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As has been said, you can’t, but God can! I suggested above that you pray for this grace:
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jimmytoes:
I’d like to suggest two prayers for you tonight…
First, ask God to let you see your husband’s love for you, and to let your husband see your love for him. You can’t force it on him, but God can open his eyes and heart. It may take some time, but hang in there.
Second, ask God to show you His own love for you. It’s really all around you, but it may be hard to see, especialy now.
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Putting God first in you life may seem like a problem, but it really is a solution. There are a lot of good posts here, but in taking it all in, don’t be overwhelmed. Just pray and let His Spirit lead you. I believe, as most of the other posters do, that God is using this problem in your life to bring you back to Him. He doesn’t cause the problems - we do by our sinfulness - but like a loving father, He reaches out to us when we are hurt.

God Bless,
Jim
 
My husband came for dinner tonight. He says he cares about me, but his refusal to tell me he loves me hurts. He does call and sends me messages. His contact shows me he cares. I just can’t understand that if he loves me and cares about me how can he stay away?? I feel I must love him a great deal more than he loves me, for I am so sad without him. He says our marriage became more like a business arrangement. I may be making excuses here but- I had a difficult pregnancy in and out of the hospital, bed rest ect… I felt like a huge whale and was embarrased of my body so I wasn’t showing him much affection. I was terribly crabby. How do I rekindle our love. I want him to find that “spark” again. What actions can I take to show him my love without shoving it in his face?
 
Please read the book I suggested. At the least you will only waste a little time. At the most you could find all of the answers you are seeking here. Please.

Malia
 
Thanks! I plan to. Looking for all the advice I can get. Taking everyone seriously.
My marriage is definately worth saving.
 
Hi Anna’s Mom! 👋

I’ve been reading your thread ever since you first posted, and my thoughts and prayers are with you! Since I’m not married–yet 🙂 --I’m not speaking from experience, but if your husband seems to think you have a “business arrangement” marriage, maybe you need to be super affectionate. Not in a hugs and kisses way (although hopefully that will come), but in a loving, caring, thoughtful way. For instance, maybe you could rent his favorite movie, cook his favorite dinner, and invite him over “just because.” Or you can write him an e-mail in the morning wishing him a wonderful day and another at night telling him how proud you are of his hard work. Basically the idea is to bowl him over with your thoughtfulness until he can’t help but say he loves you.

Oh, and about the after baby body–spend some time “beautifying” whenever you know you’re going to see him. And it’s not just to make him realize how stunning you are–it’s to make you happy too. 🙂 I’m a much, MUCH nicer person when I’m not mad about the way I look. 😃

God bless and take care,

Marian84
 
Thank you. I’m feeling better about my body now. (only about 8 lbs up) but my tummy is still flabby. I know it is wrong to be vain. I just can’t help it. I didn’t want my husband seeing me as a whale.
 
Anna's Mom:
I didn’t want my husband seeing me as a whale.
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I bet he wasn’t…you were. Most men pay far less attention to our “flaws” than we do. They pay more attention to the rejection they experience when we feel “too fat” to let them see us naked and be affectionate.

I bet he told you you were beautiful to him. (if he didn’t then we have a whole other problem).

Maybe you dismissed his compliments and continued to tell him how fat you felt and that it wasn’t fair to him to have to be with a whale… if that happened, he gave up. What else could he do?

Malia
 
Anna’s Mom,

8 lbs up? And less than a year after having a baby? I know I’m a girl and I’m “supposed” to freak out about weight and all that, but, honestly, I don’t think I’d notice only 8 lbs on a girl friend of mine and, somehow, I don’t think your husband would either. 🙂 He knows you got those pounds from being the mother of your child, and he loves you for giving him a beautiful daughter.

Marian84 🙂
 
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