In need of advise

[Anna_s_Mom]

Hi everyone,
I recently found out that my husband has been on drugs for the past 2 months he has been gone. I had suspected as much but wasn’t for certain. He has lost a lot of weight and is not eating or sleeping well. I confronted him and he said it was true. He also said he wasn’t going to do them anymore. I sure hope not. When I met him years back he was recovering from this problem. He always said I saved him. At least he hasn’t been around the baby very much during this time.
I’m not trying to make excuses here, but do you think that is why he has been so angry and confused lately?? I’m thinking that since we were having problems in our relationship and he didn’t know how to deal that he turned to drugs. I’m thinking he has been using so he doesn’t have to feel any pain or think about things. He has been angry at everyone, not just me.I wish I could do something so he wouldn’t do them anymore. What do you think??
I’m feeling both sad and angry now. Angry that he left us. Angry that he left me alone to care for the baby with no support. Do you think the drugs made him not care? even after all this I still love him and want him back. Am I a fool??? I want to help him. I would do anything for him.

 

[MParedon]

He also said he wasn’t going to do them anymore.

If he promises to get off drugs, then part of that promise would be for him to go to a rehab clinic. If he refuses then he really doesn’t want to make the effort to get off.

It is not wrong to want him back, but like other posts mentioned, you have a child. Her safety is your primary importance.

This must be really hard on you, you have this large burden and is seems like nowhere to turn but you can turn to Christ always. You need strength to face this, so as suggested you need to get counseling for yourself, get a priest, get a counselor. We on the internet can only do so much.

Prayers for you.

 

[Anna_s_Mom]

I mean he said that he won’t do them anymore as of last friday. I wish I knew for certain. I know drugs are addictive. How could he just stop??
As for him loving me- I don’t think that it is because I’m not attractive since the baby. I’m 5 ft 3in and weigh 115. granted I weigh 10 lbs more than I did pre baby, however I still think I’m pretty slim. I take care to groom my hair and make-up so he is proud of me.
I just want to have the passion back in our relationship.

 

[WICatholic]

I recently found out that my husband has been on drugs for the past 2 months he has been gone.  I had suspected as much but wasn't for certain.  He has lost a lot of weight and is not eating or sleeping well.  I confronted him and he said it was true.  He also said he wasn't going to do them anymore.  I sure hope not.  When I met him years back he was recovering from this problem.  He always said I saved him.  At least he hasn't been around the baby very much during this time.

As the family member of several who are alcoholics and /or drug addicts let me tell you that you did not save him last time. We don’t have that much power.

Second, you are in love with someone using. Alanon would be one of the best things you could do for yourself and your baby…and maybe for hubby. You cannot do anything to get him to stop other than change yourself and how you react. Period.

I’m not trying to make excuses here, but do you think that is why he has been so angry and confused lately?? I’m thinking that since we were having problems in our relationship and he didn’t know how to deal that he turned to drugs.

Baloney. He chose to use again because he chose to use again. Perhaps, and we cannot know for certain, as we cannot get into his head… but PERHAPS the reason you were having problems is because he was using already. Just as possible is that he was causing the problems because he was fighting off the urge to use known as a ‘dry drunk’ in recovery lingo.

I’m thinking he has been using so he doesn’t have to feel any pain or think about things.

One of a myriad excuses for using drugs. Could also be someone self medicating for psych problems without a diagnosis (like severe depression, bi polar, etc where no MD has made any diagnosis). Regardless, the why isn’t important. He is using drugs, you are reacting. And drugs cause behaviors. Those behaviors cause problems.

He has been angry at everyone, not just me.I wish I could do something so he wouldn’t do them anymore. What do you think??

Of course he is angry at everyone! It is a very good way of keeping everyone away from him and from finding out (he thinks) that he is using. A very good way of blaming everyone but himself for his behavior. A good way that everyone will look at themselves and wonder what they did, etc… while not looking at HIM and his using.

He has to be angry at everyone, because he is MOST angry with himself. If he admits that, he has to change. So right now… YOU have to change.

You have to stop blaming yourself, you have to stop begging. You have to stop reacting to what he is doing, and take action. That means honesty with yourself and others. That means calling the local priest to get back to the Church.

That may mean Alanon or Narcanon. It definitely means working the 12 Step program yourself so that you stop ‘changing’ things that do not need to be changed…

I’m feeling both sad and angry now. Angry that he left us. Angry that he left me alone to care for the baby with no support. Do you think the drugs made him not care?

Betrayed. He told you that you were his savior last time, and he went back to the drugs.

Only God can save him, not us, no matter how hard we try. And WE go crazy trying. And we accept the blame for failure.

It was his choice. Period. His choice to use again.

even after all this I still love him and want him back. Am I a fool??? I want to help him. I would do anything for him.

No. You are probably in love with an addict, and that makes us do crazy things. Now, start taking the wise advice of those who have written in already, summarized well in a very recent one, and add Alanon to that list.

At this point, do not listen to anyone suggesting divorce, as it is not the answer to anything. You need help to learn how to deal with (and not enable) drug and alcohol users. You need to learn to accept blame only for things you have done, not what he would like to project on you so that he can continue to use. You need to learn how to let HIM feel the responsibility for his own actions.

As to his having left. MAYBE (again, we cannot get into his head/thoughts)… but MAYBE he was protecting his daughter by not being around while using.

Get help now.
**
God,
Grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to Change the things I can,
and the WISDOM to know the difference!
**

 

[WICatholic]

Anna's Mom:

I mean he said that he won’t do them anymore as of last friday. I wish I knew for certain. I know drugs are addictive. How could he just stop??
As for him loving me- I don’t think that it is because I’m not attractive since the baby. I’m 5 ft 3in and weigh 115. granted I weigh 10 lbs more than I did pre baby, however I still think I’m pretty slim. I take care to groom my hair and make-up so he is proud of me.
I just want to have the passion back in our relationship.

He may say MANY times that he won’t use again, and mean it many times.

Then you go right back into wondering/denying that it is your looks that is causing this whole thing.

It is his problem, he chose to use it, you did not force the drugs down his throat nor into his veins or up his nose, did you? You have not tied him up and forced him to drink beer or other alcohol while taking those drugs, have you?

He chose. Now you choose. Take the steps that others have given you and begin today for your daughter’s sake, as well as yours. You can only take care of you and your reactions to his using.
Accepting blame for something you did not cause, pity pot sitting, trying to change things that won’t touch the real problem… etc.

He needs to undergo an alcohol/drug assessment before any more decisions can be made.
And then, he needs to follow through on their recommendations.

I speak from experience. It is possible to love an alcoholic/drug addict ONLY with the help of God and others who are doing it. It is MUCH EASIER to love him if both of you are in real recovery.

God bless.

 

[masondoggy]

WICatholic:

As the family member of several who are alcoholics and /or drug addicts let me tell you that you did not save him last time. We don’t have that much power.

Second, you are in love with someone using. Alanon would be one of the best things you could do for yourself and your baby…and maybe for hubby. You cannot do anything to get him to stop other than change yourself and how you react. Period.

Baloney. He chose to use again because he chose to use again. Perhaps, and we cannot know for certain, as we cannot get into his head… but PERHAPS the reason you were having problems is because he was using already. Just as possible is that he was causing the problems because he was fighting off the urge to use known as a ‘dry drunk’ in recovery lingo.

One of a myriad excuses for using drugs. Could also be someone self medicating for psych problems without a diagnosis (like severe depression, bi polar, etc where no MD has made any diagnosis). Regardless, the why isn’t important. He is using drugs, you are reacting. And drugs cause behaviors. Those behaviors cause problems.

Of course he is angry at everyone! It is a very good way of keeping everyone away from him and from finding out (he thinks) that he is using. A very good way of blaming everyone but himself for his behavior. A good way that everyone will look at themselves and wonder what they did, etc… while not looking at HIM and his using.

He has to be angry at everyone, because he is MOST angry with himself. If he admits that, he has to change. So right now… YOU have to change.

You have to stop blaming yourself, you have to stop begging. You have to stop reacting to what he is doing, and take action. That means honesty with yourself and others. That means calling the local priest to get back to the Church.

That may mean Alanon or Narcanon. It definitely means working the 12 Step program yourself so that you stop ‘changing’ things that do not need to be changed…

Betrayed. He told you that you were his savior last time, and he went back to the drugs.

Only God can save him, not us, no matter how hard we try. And WE go crazy trying. And we accept the blame for failure.

It was his choice. Period. His choice to use again.

No. You are probably in love with an addict, and that makes us do crazy things. Now, start taking the wise advice of those who have written in already, summarized well in a very recent one, and add Alanon to that list.

At this point, do not listen to anyone suggesting divorce, as it is not the answer to anything. You need help to learn how to deal with (and not enable) drug and alcohol users. You need to learn to accept blame only for things you have done, not what he would like to project on you so that he can continue to use. You need to learn how to let HIM feel the responsibility for his own actions.

As to his having left. MAYBE (again, we cannot get into his head/thoughts)… but MAYBE he was protecting his daughter by not being around while using.

Get help now.

**God, **
**Grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to Change the things I can, **
and the WISDOM to know the difference!

Excellent post.

 

[Anna_s_Mom]

Saturday My husband left me a message saying that he is ok, He was at a friends farm a few hours from home. He said he wanted to stay there for another day and clear his head. He said he wasn’t currently on drugs and he wasn’t going to do them anymore. He said that he loves mewith all of his heart and he wanted to be there forever for me and baby. He said he was sorry for the drug use and he would see me on sunday.
Now (sunday) he came for dinner and didn’t want to talk about anything important. He just wanted to visit and play with the baby. He stayed about 2 hours and then left without saying goodbye. I’m so confused. I love him so much, but not sure if I should. Saturday I was soooo happy, now I feel crushed again.

 

[Anna_s_Mom]

WICATHOLIC -
you say we both need to seek help. How do you get drug treatment for someone who doesn’t want drug treatment?? I know he would never go. Should I consult with treatment on my own to learn how to deal with him and help him?

I love him so much, but I still want what is best for baby. I don’t want him alone with her. I know he would never intentionally hurt her. I fear of him trying to drive with her in the car and that sort of thing. He says he stopped using and he is eating and sleeping again… How do I know??? Why are his emotions still so conflicting??

 

[Robaynne]

Why do you keep hurting yourself. Yes, you love him but you keep setting yourself up to get hurt. He is not the see all, be all and end all of life. There is more to life than pondering about him and his issues. WHAT ABOUT YOU AND WHAT YOU ARE FEELING. WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST. He is selfish and spiteful and only cares about himself and his own needs. You have a little baby to care about and that baby feels what you feel. STOP AND THINK ABOUT YOU, you are hurting so much. I know what you are feeling but you need to wake up and smell the coffee leave him, he has issues to sort out and he needs to sort it out. You are not his mother but his wife and you cannot keep picking up the pieces he also needs to play his part. Start looking for something else to concentrate on go to church, light a candle and sit there and just take a time out, get a novena and say the pray for the next 10 days, read Psalm and Proverbs everyday. Look to God and pray for guidance and assistance. Am not been harsh just concerned and it is not nice to hear another women in pain. You are not alone and never forget that you are worth something and you deserve better than what you are getting now. HE NEEDS TO GROW UP AND STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO HIM BUT TO WORRY ABOUT HIS FAMILY. WHEN HE MADE THOSE VOWS TO YOU HE DID IT WITH HIS EYES WIDE OPEN. Here is something for you to read.

It is enough
It is enough that you are alive and able to experience this beautiful day. It is enough that you can choose to live with joy and thankfulness in your heart.
Much of life’s anguish comes from the empty pursuit of more, more and more. The way to truly grow is to let go of your needs.
Much of what you think you need, you don’t. Much of what you cling to holds you back.
When your thoughts are filled with envy, resentment, want and desperation, it becomes nearly impossible to get anything done. By contrast, when you know you have enough, you become amazingly creative, effective and productive.
To experience abundance is simply a matter of knowing that it is yours. Remind yourself that what you are is enough, that what you have is enough for this moment, and you’ll find yourself immersed in abundance.
It is enough that you are here now and able to move forward with positive intention. With a joyful heart, live fully the real treasure that is already yours.

 

[Anna_s_Mom]

I know what you say is true, however my love for him is soooo strong! Lately it seems I would rather have him out running around, but knowing that eventually he will come home to me at night loving me, than not have him at all. I would settle for the little bits and pieces of him that I can get. I know that this is not healthy, but I can’t help it. I will forever sheild my baby from the drugs. If those things ever enter my home, then it would be too much and I would call it quits.

 

[WICatholic]

=Anna’s Mom]WICATHOLIC -
you say we both need to seek help. How do you get drug treatment for someone who doesn’t want drug treatment?? I know he would never go.

You can’t do it on your own, you must have an alcohol/drug treatment counselor to help you. AND you must work your own program. You cannot work his.

Should I consult with treatment on my own to learn how to deal with him and help him?

YES, that is what everyone was telling you before the drugs even were mentioned, and it is imperative now that they have been mentioned.

You cannot do it alone. You have been affected already by his use. It is affecting your child even as young as she is. It will continue to affect you without help.

I love him so much, but I still want what is best for baby. I don’t want him alone with her. I know he would never intentionally hurt her. I fear of him trying to drive with her in the car and that sort of thing. He says he stopped using and he is eating and sleeping again… How do I know??? Why are his emotions still so conflicting??

You can get the answers to those questions in Alanon or Narcanon. You can get the answer to those questions in counseling. You cannot get the answer to those questions here, because you are not doing anything to make changes other than relieving ‘pressure’.

You DON’T know, that is the point. His emotions are based on the action of whatever drug he is using at the moment, or the lack thereof.

He may not intentionally harm your daughter, but emotionally, he is harming both of you, and himself. Driving is dangerous, yes. But so is daily living with someone using UNLESS you have the support you need to get healthy, to stop enabling, to stop taking blame, to stop the pity party, to let God be God, to give HIM the control of your life, and to let dh face the consequences of his own actions/choices.

He will never get well as long as you support the addiction. Again, this does not mean that you must divorce. Millions of people have lived very productive happy lives in spite of the addiction of relatives/spouses. Bill W and Lois never divorced, nor did many of the early AA old timers. Nor have many today. But recovery begins with YOU. Someone has to start it. And the one with the baby owes it to the child to learn how to live healthy. Serenity is wonderful once you learn the secret.

The secret is in the 12 Steps ( I can’t, He can, I will let Him… Examine conscience, Confession, Restitution and Amends, Letting Him take our faults and lead us to holiness, and then, daily taking inventory of good and bad we have done, and taking care of it asap… living and carrying the message of Good News to others.

Call a priest, get back to the Church, take your daughter to Mass, teach her. Find a good marriage saving counselor who also knows alcohol/drug abuse (they ARE out there)… get to Alanon and get well.

God will work on dh. You work on you with God, and let Him take care of dh.

God bless.

 

[WICatholic]

Anna's Mom:

I know what you say is true, however my love for him is soooo strong! Lately it seems I would rather have him out running around, but knowing that eventually he will come home to me at night loving me, than not have him at all. I would settle for the little bits and pieces of him that I can get. I know that this is not healthy, but I can’t help it. I will forever sheild my baby from the drugs. If those things ever enter my home, then it would be too much and I would call it quits.

The addict is addicted to his/her drug of choice, and we are addicted to the addict.

The drugs have entered your home, even if he never brings the substance into the building.

Your daughter is being affected by watching the two of you.

This is not love. Love does not need to settle nor to beg. This is NOT healthy, and even you know it.

Again, let NO one tell you that you need to divorce him. That is not a decision that is made lightly, and it won’t help anyway. Until you learn how to stop reacting to the button pushing, etc, the behaviors and emotions that you have now will follow you into ANY other relationship.

HE is not the problem. He is HIS problem. But you also have one that needs to be addressed, because you are co-dependent. And your daughter is learning that by watching you. They are smart. They see much more than we give them credit for.

Make the call to the Church tomorrow. Nov 1 is All Saint’s Day, and is a good day to get to Mass.

Talk to a priest, get a counselor, show your love for dh and daughter by standing firm and getting the help that has already been suggested to you.

I can’t, He Can, So… I will let Him. My life has gotten to be nuts, and I can’t fix it. He can. So I will give it all to Him and let it go, and LET Him fix it.

Step One, Two and Three. Next is examine your conscience and fifth is to tell God and another Human being the exact nature of your wrongs (and good points) … that is Confession! Go.

God bless
**
God,
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. **

 

[Anna_s_Mom]

I have been going to counseling. I have looked at all the suggested web sites. I’m trying to listen to your advise. I just can’t get hubby to go with me. At first counseling was his idea, now he “can’t find the time” I still see a therapist by myself.
Earlier I meant should I see a drug counsler on my own to learn about ways to encourage hubby to seek drug counseling? Sorry for not being clear on that.
I still can’t help being afraid to talk to a preist. I live in a small town and I’m afraid of people finding out about hubby’s “habit” since he works for himself I fear that would not help our financial difficulties. I’m also just afraid in general to speak with a preist face to face. Feeling ashamed of my lack of knowledge on religion.

 

[WICatholic]

Anna's Mom:

I have been going to counseling. I have looked at all the suggested web sites. I’m trying to listen to your advise. I just can’t get hubby to go with me. At first counseling was his idea, now he “can’t find the time” I still see a therapist by myself.
Earlier I meant should I see a drug counsler on my own to learn about ways to encourage hubby to seek drug counseling? Sorry for not being clear on that.
I still can’t help being afraid to talk to a preist. I live in a small town and I’m afraid of people finding out about hubby’s “habit” since he works for himself I fear that would not help our financial difficulties. I’m also just afraid in general to speak with a preist face to face. Feeling ashamed of my lack of knowledge on religion.

Alanon and all programs associated with the 12 Steps are anonymous. YES go by yourself. Learn how you aid his use, learn how you might help him to see his problem by letting him face the consequences of his own actions, etc. Yes, go.

The reason we have RCIA is because many do not know about our religion, even many who go to Church all the time. Lack of knowledge is nothing to ever be ashamed of. Not asking, not learning, however, is.

As to his own business… customers will see it long before you do, believe me. And if he keeps using, he eventually won’t have any business.

Fear keeps us from acting. Shame does the same.
Time to act. Time to get help for you, not for him. Later there may be time for him to get help.

Right now, you need to get close to God. You need to get a support group that understands what you are going through. The miracle in my life when my husband left me with three tiny kids to raise was the Church and a prayer group/Bible study I found, and Alanon. I am sane today, and raised three good kids to adulthood alone because I got well myself. Four members of the family have stopped drinking/drugs as a result of what we went through.

Stop living in fear and shame, and step out into the Light. You cannot control dh, but you can learn to change how you react to this. You do not need to stay paralyzed.

Dial the number tomorrow, and go to Church on All Saint’s Day, Tuesday, Nov 1. You can’t go to Communion, but you can let Him into your life again.

God bless.

 

[Zooey]

Sweetie, God loves you very much! He wants you to come to Him for help. He has been waiting for you all your life. There is nothing that you could ever do to make God not love you any more.

Remember that Jesus died on the cross because He loves ordinary people so very much!! Talk to Him, tell Him everything.

You have got some wonderful resources from people here. We are going to be praying for you!!
God bless you, & God bless your beautiful Anna.

 

[antiaphrodite]

as Zooey said, God loves you.

a lot of people have given great advice. as someone who’s also going through tough times, i say hang in there. and talk to your priest!

we’re praying for you and your whole family.

 

[ncjohn]

*Father, we bring our prayers to you this day for our sister who is in pain and needs to know your love and comfort.

We know that the loving union between spouses is in your will and of your design. We pray that you will bring your healing to this union and help their love for each other to grow.

We know that we are imperfect and sinful, and given to a lack of charity with each other in our lack of understanding of your perfect love. Lord, bring some clarity to this couple that they might find a more perfect love both for each other and for you. Help them to heal those hurts that are dividing them that together they might journey toward the Truth that is your love.

We ask all of this in Jesus’ name.

Amen.*

 

[Anna_s_Mom]

Saturday dear hubby was acting like he was sooo sorry. He said how much he loved me and baby and wanted to be with us forever. Now he acts like he is doing me a big favor by wanting to work this out and give me another chance. I know he is the type of person who has a hard time saying he is sorry. He said it once. should that be enough?? Should I let it go?? I know I have done a lot of things wrong too, but I have apoligized like crazy and it never seemed like I could say I’m sorry enough. I still don’t think he forgives me for pushing him away and nagging him all these years. Saturday he said he realized that his thinking had been really twisted, now he doesn’t want to talk about it. Could it be because he realizes that he has done things wrong, said he was sorry and now doesn’t want to think about it anymore?? He said he wants the past to be past, and yet at the same time he says working things out will take a very long time. What do you think??

 

[marymol]

Dear Anna’s mom,

Plenty of good advice …good and humble of you to have shared the truth of your husband’s addiction to drugs /good feelings …which has become the idol/false god for him… …and the good feeling of feeling loved by him etc: ?has it become your idol…

See your husband at the feet of The Lord - asking Him and you for forgiveness , every single time …and trust that The Lord can bring him to repentance …

…
One very painless way to get the love, even the good feelings you are craving after would be Eucharistic Adoration…hope you do know it is The Presence of The Living Lord…infinite Love for you, for Anna , for your husband …
Invite your husband ( even all three of you ) - and be in the Presence, with all of heaven …forgetting about what he did or said but how The Father loves you …drink it up… and use the Power of praise - to break off bondages …
Scriptures would enhance your faith in how God intervene …and can be a way to break off the idolatrous bondage of husband’s words and deeds being the only focus …and ask the Lord to use you both ’ to strenghten your brethren when you have turned back’ .
St Monica pray for us …God bless!

 

[allhers]

marymol:

Dear Anna’s mom,

Plenty of good advice …good and humble of you to have shared the truth of your husband’s addiction to drugs /good feelings …which has become the idol/false god for him… …and the good feeling of feeling loved by him etc: ?has it become your idol…

See your husband at the feet of The Lord - asking Him and you for forgiveness , every single time …and trust that The Lord can bring him to repentance …

…
One very painless way to get the love, even the good feelings you are craving after would be Eucharistic Adoration…hope you do know it is The Presence of The Living Lord…infinite Love for you, for Anna , for your husband …
Invite your husband ( even all three of you ) - and be in the Presence, with all of heaven …forgetting about what he did or said but how The Father loves you …drink it up… and use the Power of praise - to break off bondages …
Scriptures would enhance your faith in how God intervene …and can be a way to break off the idolatrous bondage of husband’s words and deeds being the only focus …and ask the Lord to use you both ’ to strenghten your brethren when you have turned back’ .
St Monica pray for us …God bless!

Excellent advice, and I would go to the confessional and speak with a Priest about your part. Your Parish bulletin would probably have the confession times. If not, call them and ask. You could make an appointment with the Priest. We’ll keep praying for you and your family.