In need of advise

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Anna’s Mom,

You are in my prayers. Turn “everything” in your life toward God and give it all to him. Pray constantly and he will show you the way. You have many brothers and sisters here on this forum that are praying for you. Count on me to pray for you as well. God Bless you and your family during this trying time.
 
Anna's Mom:
I have been going to counseling. I have looked at all the suggested web sites. I’m trying to listen to your advise. I just can’t get hubby to go with me. At first counseling was his idea, now he “can’t find the time” I still see a therapist by myself.
Earlier I meant should I see a drug counsler on my own to learn about ways to encourage hubby to seek drug counseling? Sorry for not being clear on that.
I still can’t help being afraid to talk to a preist. I live in a small town and I’m afraid of people finding out about hubby’s “habit” since he works for himself I fear that would not help our financial difficulties. I’m also just afraid in general to speak with a preist face to face. Feeling ashamed of my lack of knowledge on religion.
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Sweetheart- go to confession (you should still be able to go behind a grill) and ask the priest about your problems there- he is forbidden from discussing anything that happens in a confession. He is even forbidden from saying who went to confession! The church penalties if he were to break the “seal of the confessional” are tremendious!!! You just tell him hoe long it’s been, (and if you don’t remember what to do) and he will guide you through. You can ask for his advise in the middle of confession.
 
I have been praying 3 - 8 times a day for approx. 15 min at a time. T have been doing this since september 1st. I don’t know if this is considered a lot or a little, but things just seem to be getting harder and harder. When am I going to be shown the way??
My husband leaves me messages saying that he wants to be there for me and the baby forever, then he doesn’t even give me any help with her care. I know he loves her and is very busy, but I’m busy too. I’m starting to get very angry about everything. I know my nagging drove him away, but he still has responsibilities toward his child!! The only time I get any help is when I’m at work and it isn’t from him. It is from his mother!!
 
Anna's Mom:
I have been praying 3 - 8 times a day for approx. 15 min at a time. T have been doing this since september 1st. I don’t know if this is considered a lot or a little, but things just seem to be getting harder and harder. When am I going to be shown the way??
My husband leaves me messages saying that he wants to be there for me and the baby forever, then he doesn’t even give me any help with her care. I know he loves her and is very busy, but I’m busy too. I’m starting to get very angry about everything. I know my nagging drove him away, but he still has responsibilities toward his child!! The only time I get any help is when I’m at work and it isn’t from him. It is from his mother!!
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Why don’t you stop waiting to be shown the way, and start doing some walking, for heaven’s sake!? I’ve read through all your posts, and you just seem to be blaming everything on “not knowing enough abour religion”…“I wasn’t good enough”…“I’m scared”…“I love him so much”…blah blah blah. My stars! Seems like you need to focus on yourself and your daughter, and not spend so much time fretting over how “You’ve done everything wrong”. I’ve heard of guilt trips, but man, you’re headed around the world on this one! “I know my nagging drove him away”…What??? Are you nuts? I’ve tried for years to drive my husband away…still here. Your hubby walked off because he’s too much of a selfish child to take your marriage seriously…you didn’t do anything. Stop blaming yourself, stop worrying about your husband, focus on your own well-being and that of your daughter. Go to Church…talk to a priest…believe me, no one out there’s perfect so if you’re embarassed then you’re just being silly and childish.
 
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Robaynne:
Why do we women do that BLAME OURSELVES THAT THINGS DID NOT WORK OUT. We always say it is because we did not do this or that. If we did things that way maybe he would have stayed etc etc.

That is so foolish there are two people in a marriage not one. They must have contributed towards us acting the way we do. I am so tired of blaming myself for the reason why my husband of 11years with 2 young children me that is 31 and him 32 decided to cheat on me with his 19 year old temporary worker, who is a drug addict etc etc. He made the mistake not me he decided to betray our vows not me.

Ladies please do not blame yourself there are two of you and we all make mistakes nobody is perfect but men should also except the blame for the things that they do. Not put all the blame at our doorstep.
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Robaynne, I couldn’t have said it better. It took me a long time, abusive relationships and a failed marriage to stop taking all the blame and guilt upon my shoulders.
 
Anna's Mom:
I mean he said that he won’t do them anymore as of last friday. I wish I knew for certain. I know drugs are addictive. How could he just stop??
As for him loving me- I don’t think that it is because I’m not attractive since the baby. I’m 5 ft 3in and weigh 115. granted I weigh 10 lbs more than I did pre baby, however I still think I’m pretty slim. I take care to groom my hair and make-up so he is proud of me.
I just want to have the passion back in our relationship.
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A man who loves a woman and vice versa sees more than just the external appearance. I don’t remember the last time I weighed 115, actually I’m overweight and my husband still loves me and never harps on the weight issue. He, of course is balding and has a pot belly but so what. That is life, we all change, we get old, some of us get fat, have a disfiguring accident, loose our hair, etc. But we are all made in the image of God. We are more than our external appearances.
 
Anna(name removed by moderator), my heart goes out to you.

As a man, your husband needs to be taught how to be a man.

He is acting like a teenager. Sending mixed signals to you is a game. Text messages saying one thing, and only acting culpable for his drug behavior when called on it. A contrite person would not do this. This is a very immature game, and one that is usually found being played by men who are really boys deep down.

You mentioned your looks, I don’t care if you were 5’1", 415 lbs, his behavior is despicable. Despicable.

It isn’t about your looks. They are inconsequential when the behavior is like this. Your husband is acting like a baby, and needs to be treated as such. You deserve better than this, and the more you tolerate it, the more it will continue.

As the saying goes, when we raise the bar, those around us rise to meet it. When we lower the bar, the stoop to get under it. Don’t lower the bar.

The advice here is a start. But the work will largely be his as well. Do not give up hope. Do not try and avoid working things out. But DO NOT allow yourself to be a punching bag, or be abused by his games. The easiest way to promulgate bad behavior is to tolerate it. It is often amazing how quickly respond to the statement “I am not going to accept this any more. Period.”

Remember, HIS LOSS IS JUST AS GREAT AS YOURS. This isn’t one sided.

Our prayers our with you, and please don’ be afraid to vent on here; sometimes, just typing your feelings can be therapy in and of itself. But take positive steps right now (as posted by many other wonderful people) to help you and your beautiful baby.
 
Today i’ve been trying to not call him. It is so hard! He has sent me 2 text messages and called me once. I have not responded to any of them. I’ve decided that I will only respond once in a while. If it is something important he can leave a message. He doesn’t answer his phone why should I. Is this stooping to his immature level? I’m don’t want to play games here, but I don’t want to be the one waiting around all day for him either.
Earlier someone mentioned that some men don’t want to be with someone so needy. That they want someone a little more self sufficient. Well I don’t need him!!! I want him but I don’t need him. I do need some help with the baby though…
Last night he said he wants to continue to try to work things out. He also said he was very busy with work for the next few weeks and then after that he wanted to work on us. After that?? I would think that his family would be more important.
I’m not sure if it is healthy for me to continue this relationship with him. I love him soooo much, however sometimes I feel that he is literaly driving me crazy. He says he is stressed, well I am too! I want things to work, but…
 
Anna's Mom:
Today i’ve been trying to not call him. It is so hard! He has sent me 2 text messages and called me once. I have not responded to any of them. I’ve decided that I will only respond once in a while. If it is something important he can leave a message. He doesn’t answer his phone why should I. Is this stooping to his immature level? I’m don’t want to play games here, but I don’t want to be the one waiting around all day for him either.
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Yes, Anna’s mom, it is playing the same game. If you decided that you were going to go and get the suggested help, and then took the same action because you were beginning to do healthy things for you and your daughter, with a definite plan of what needs to be done for him to come home (alcohol/drug assessment and follow through, for instance)… then it would be an action. But this way, you are doing it simply to get even. Read what you have written above… if he doesn’t answer, then I don’t want to answer… it is a reaction, not an action. If you are not waiting for him to call or text, then what are you doing? And how often will you answer the phone, etc? What is the criteria you are using to decide which call to answer, which not to answer?
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Earlier someone mentioned that some men don't want to be with someone so needy.  That they want someone a little more self sufficient.  Well I don't need him!!!  I want him but I don't need him.  I do need some help with the baby though...
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This is anger. So what are you going to do? Ditch him instead of doing something constructive and getting help that has been suggested? That means no change in your own behavior, which is, again, reacting, not acting…

And what will you do about help with the baby then? I had three under seven when mine left and began playing games. Had I not reached out and gotten help (Church, counseling and Alanon) I would still be sitting in the pity pot, begging him to help. I had to do it for the sake of my kids.

I never planned on being a single parent to one, much less three. But you do it, because they need you.

You are paralyzed with indecision and self pity right now. And the only way out of that is to make a move, take a step toward health. Did you go to Mass today? (All Saint’s Day) Have you called a priest today? Looked into Alanon? Worked on your program?
Last night he said he wants to continue to try to work things out. He also said he was very busy with work for the next few weeks and then after that he wanted to work on us. After that?? I would think that his family would be more important.
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Not if he is addicted. (And actually, you are doing the same thing he is by not making a move to help yourself and Anna. If your family is most important to you, then you need to get help to learn how to make it healthier, asap.)
I’m not sure if it is healthy for me to continue this relationship with him. I love him soooo much, however sometimes I feel that he is literaly driving me crazy. He says he is stressed, well I am too! I want things to work, but…
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But what? But I don’t want to change? Then believe me, nothing will change. Even if you ditch him, and find another … you take you with you into that relationship, and you will find another like him (even if you think he is NOT ONE BIT like him. The world is filled with examples of this.)

Please make those moves toward health that ARE healthy. They have been outlined several times in this list for you. Pick one and start there. (and if it were me, getting closest to God would be my first priority, then Alanon. I would call a priest and get back to Church.)

Jesus said Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
 
Anna's Mom:
Today i’ve been trying to not call him. It is so hard! He has sent me 2 text messages and called me once. I have not responded to any of them. *good. * I’ve decided that I will only respond once in a while. If it is something important he can leave a message. He doesn’t answer his phone why should I. Is this stooping to his immature level? *no! *I’m don’t want to play games here,he is the one playing games but I don’t want to be the one waiting around all day for him either.
Earlier someone mentioned that some men don’t want to be with someone so needy. That they want someone a little more self sufficient. Well I don’t need him!!! I want him but I don’t need him. I do need some help with the baby though…
Last night he said he wants to continue to try to work things out. He also said he was very busy with work for the next few weeks and then after that he wanted to work on us. *-stall tactic to keep you stringing along *After that?? I would think that his family would be more important.
I’m not sure if it is healthy for me to continue this relationship with him. *it’s not *I love him soooo much, however sometimes I feel that he is literaly driving me crazy. He says he is stressed, well I am too! I want things to work, but…
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AM- Remember my mom? This is the type of stuff that drove her to attemp suicide. His “games”. He “tried” to work on their marriage for 6 mos.- all the while still seing his girlfriend.

She thought if she was “gone”, maybe then he would step up to the plate and be a better dad. He didn’t care she tried to kill herself, and didn’t concern himself with the 5 of us, either. After that she realized HE WAS NOT GOING TO CHANGE!!! The only person she could work on was herself.

Her self esteem was so low at the time- he would come over and be sweet (while we were at school) and have sex with her, then go shower and leave- coldly. He only wanted to “work on things” when he wanted to have sex with her. He still plays his mind games with her to this day, (10 yrs divorced) he will try calling mom up (he married his affair) and talking about how sad he is, it’s not the what he thought it would be- etc. BUT NONE OF IT IS AUTHENTIC. IT IS HIS ATTEMPT TO CONTROL HER. BY CONTROLING HER MOOD, HER EMOTIONS. IT HELPS HIM FEEL BIG AND POWERFUL. IT IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

DO NOT ALLOW YOUR DH TO VICTIMIZE YOU! SET LIMITS ON VISITING THE BABY. ONLY AGREE TO SEE HIM IF YOU ARE ACTIVLY IN COUNCILING. ONLY ALLOW EITHER IF HE ENROLLS IN A DRUG PROGRAM. DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO COME INTO YOUR HOME AND PRETEND TO PLAY DADDY (badly, I see) IN ORDER TO MAKE HIMSELF FELL BETTER. IF HE DIVORCES YOU- HE WILL NOT HAVE THIS LUXURY- THE COURTS WILL DECIDE WHEN HE SEES HER. MAKE HIM GET USED TO THE HARSH REALITIES NOW.

BE STRONG -YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS!!!
 
Yes, I went to mass today. I go every morning as long as I don’t have to be at work. I can’t on wednesdays becuse mass is at 9;oo am and I have to leave for work at 9:30. I work a few other mornings here and there. the rest of the time I work at night.
My next appointment with my therapist is this comming monday.
Praying all the time. I still have not spoken with a preist. very afraid…
I have been thinking that I need some schooling, although I’m not sure how I would manage with work, baby and finances. Just thinking about baby’s future. I would also like whatever I choose to go into be a short amount of schooling. I have no idea what!!!
 
Anna's Mom:
Yes, I went to mass today. I go every morning as long as I don’t have to be at work. I can’t on wednesdays becuse mass is at 9;oo am and I have to leave for work at 9:30. I work a few other mornings here and there. the rest of the time I work at night.
My next appointment with my therapist is this comming monday.
Praying all the time. I still have not spoken with a preist. very afraid…
I have been thinking that I need some schooling, although I’m not sure how I would manage with work, baby and finances. Just thinking about baby’s future. I would also like whatever I choose to go into be a short amount of schooling. I have no idea what!!!
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Don’t be scared about talking to a priest. I used to be afraid, but then I thought about how I would talk to people I just met about the junk going on in my life. Why wouldn’t I go talk to someone who could give me constructive critism and who was more qualified to give me council anyway!?
 
Anna's Mom:
Yes, I went to mass today. I go every morning as long as I don’t have to be at work. I can’t on wednesdays becuse mass is at 9;oo am and I have to leave for work at 9:30. I work a few other mornings here and there. the rest of the time I work at night.
My next appointment with my therapist is this comming monday.
Praying all the time. I still have not spoken with a preist. very afraid…
I have been thinking that I need some schooling, although I’m not sure how I would manage with work, baby and finances. Just thinking about baby’s future. I would also like whatever I choose to go into be a short amount of schooling. I have no idea what!!!
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Good for you. Don’t be afraid to see the priest, even if, as someone suggested, it is in the Confessional. There, nothing can be repeated to anyone ever.

As for schooling. What are your interests?

An LPN or LVN is only one year of schooling but has many benefits. An Associate Degree RN is two years. Both are compact courses, but often can be done part time. Check local vocational schools or community colleges.

There are many business kinds of courses. There is one profession that a classmate of mine has done for 35 years, court stenographer. I have NO idea how to become one, however.

There are interest tests that you can take to help make decisions about careers.

Again, call someone at the nearest school for information. It often takes a bit of time to get INTO those programs. But while waiting, you can take some of the general ed courses to lessen the load when you are actually taking the main ones.

I did it with three kids. I was an LPN for years, and returned to become an RDH. You can do it, married (as I did when I became an LPN) and with a child. There is financial help out there.

Talk to the counselor about the fact that drugs are involved here and ask if he/she has any experience working with possible addictions. (You don’t know until assessments are done if there IS an actual problem … but it sounds like it big time. I worked Alcohol/Drug Program for four years. Red flags have popped out here, but we cannot tell from this kind of forum for sure. Our counselor made the diagnosis based on MY behavior, without even knowing the extent of his drinking until we tried an ‘intervention’ and I prepared my letter).

Keep taking those steps. Keep moving to change what only you can change–yourself. And put him into God’s hands.

God bless!
 
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Siena:
SET LIMITS ON VISITING THE BABY. ONLY AGREE TO SEE HIM IF YOU ARE ACTIVLY IN COUNCILING. ONLY ALLOW EITHER IF HE ENROLLS IN A DRUG PROGRAM. DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO COME INTO YOUR HOME AND PRETEND TO PLAY DADDY (badly, I see) IN ORDER TO MAKE HIMSELF FELL BETTER. IF HE DIVORCES YOU- HE WILL NOT HAVE THIS LUXURY- THE COURTS WILL DECIDE WHEN HE SEES HER. MAKE HIM GET USED TO THE HARSH REALITIES NOW.
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I cannot agree with you about her actions being different from his. See my post in response to hers.

However, I also have to correct the above.

First, neither has mentioned divorce, and even if one has, it does not need to happen.

Second, the courts are not just going to tell HIM when he can see his child, but will also tell HER.

Most ‘grant’ joint custody today, regardless of the circumstances. And in more and more states, that joint custody means one week at my house one week at his house for the child. Or, minimally, every other weekend split between the two houses.

The child is ‘divided’ along with the property.

She cannot deny him seeing his child unless there is a restraining order, and that, for the child, is hard to get. AND it introduces an aspect to this that you do not want until all else has been exhausted. The courts.

Once the courts enter a marriage, any control she may have in getting help will be gone. Period. The child will become a pawn.

The courts do not play games. But they also do not get things right in marriage.The business that they are in does not deal with healing. All that they know how to do is try to END what God says cannot be ended.

Divorce is called ‘Grave Sin’ in the Catechism. Civil divorce is hell on earth, and it does not end with the final decree when there are minor children involved. And even then, it still does not end when those adult children begin to marry and have children of their own.

Want to find out how fast you have no control in your life? Disobey a court order as respondent.

Want to find out how much control you have about when he sees the child? Look around and see the myriads of kids with suitcases going back and forth by court order today.

Never threaten something unless you are VERY certain you can live with the consequences.

And don’t ever use the child or children as part of those threats.
 
I’m really really going to try not to call my husband. It’s so hard!!! I love and miss him so much. I think maybe if I didn’t talk to him for a few days he would realize how much he misses me. What do you think?? I’m going to really try to stay busy so i’m not just waiting around for him when he calls or comes by.
Oh, my daughter held her own bottle today!! My husband missed it. He is missing out on so much. I’m so blessed to have her.
 
Anna’s mom something to boost you today!!!

11/4/05
Encouragement for Today

Key Verse:
Philippians 4:13, “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” (NIV)

Devotion:
I have hair issues. My hair tends toward silky and straight regardless of the current style. Do you remember when “big hair” was in style? My tresses didn’t cooperate. They went for the flat look. Or what about the new trend of cute flips outward and backward? Ha! Not my locks. They stubbornly hang downward obeying the command of gravity. As I said, I have hair issues.
Now don’t get me wrong. I am very grateful for my hair. Although, it doesn’t always oblige my daydreams of high-fashion hairdos, I wouldn’t trade my hair with anyone else. Why, because I have found that “hair products” give it strength to be what it isn’t. When I infuse it with an outside resource, it can literally stand up and do anything. Each morning as I rub, squirt, and spray my head, it reminds me of my Christian walk of faith. When I attempt to perform on my own, I fall flat. But when I allow the Holy Spirit to infuse me with power, I move in strength. Even the Apostle Paul relied on the power, of Christ when he felt defeated. He wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (NIV)

A Biblical example of hair issues, weakness and the power of God is Samson. Do you recall his story? If not, let me give you the cliff note version of a guy with major hair problems. Samson was this hunky strong dude in the Old Testament. The Spirit of God rested on him from his birth. His mother was told not to cut his hair. Ever! He had great physical strength, which produced a big ego and lots of testosterone. Sadly, the guy held a penchant for attractive, but ungodly women. His romantic encounters created continuous havoc for many people. Finally, he fell in love with Delilah. His enemies bribed Delilah into finding out the secret of his strength so they could capture him. After much whining and manipulating, she discovered the secret to his mighty power; his hair had never been cut. Ah ha! The enemies cut his hair while he lay asleep on her lap. His strength vanished. His adversaries captured him, and then they gouged out his eyes and took him to grind their grain in a dank prison. Nice story so far, huh?

Scripture gives us a glimpse of Samson’s thoughts in Judges 16:20, “…He awoke from his sleep and thought, ‘I’ll go out as before and shake myself free.’ But he did not know that the Lord had left him.” (NIV)

Fortunately, the story doesn’t end there. Samson’s hair not only grew back, but he realized where to obtain true strength. The Bible concludes this story with Samson praying, “O Sovereign Lord, remember me. O God, please strengthen me just once more, and let me with one blow get revenge on the Philistines for my two eyes." (Judges 16:28, NIV) After this prayer, the Lord graciously fulfilled Samson’s prayer.

Just like Samson, sometimes we falsely believe we can do life on our own terms. When we try to survive in our power and strength, we fail. If we are to thrive, we must let Christ permeate us with His power. Then we can say along with the Apostle Paul, “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:13, NIV)

So, if you are like me and have “hair issues,” let your morning beauty routine become a time of prayer for strength for the day. As you coat your hair with mousse, gel and hairspray, allow God to pour His Holy Spirit into your soul. You’ll be amazed at the staying power of your tresses, but also at the power of God in your life each day.

My Prayer for Today:
O Sovereign Lord, remember me. Give me the spiritual strength I need for today. Each morning as I get ready for the day, remind me to ask you to fill me with your Holy Spirit. I know that it is only through Your power, that I can do all things. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Application Steps:
Take a moment to count how many hair products you possess. Include shampoo, conditioner, gel, mousse, hairspray, etc. Think about what each product does for your hair and why? Now ask God to do the same thing within you. Ask Him to clean, soften, straighten, and strengthen you, so that you may say, “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

Reflection Points:
What type of issues do I carry around each day?

What are my weaknesses?

Do I believe I can live my life without the help of Christ?

Am I willing to show my weaknesses and to ask God for help?
 
Anna’s Mom,
I don’t know if you have a good support system near by of friends and family, but I might suggest going to the library for storytime with your daughter and perhaps joining a Mom’s group in the area so you can build a strong support system. I did that when I moved to the town I am in now and I have made wonderful friends that I can call anytime and volunteering for various organizations in my community with MOMS Club international keeps me plenty busy. When I served on the board at my MOMS Club it actually made my husband proud of me to be spending my time with our daughter helping the community.
There is a saying that tells us when we are lacking, we should give. It will fill you with gratitude and give you more purpose.

here are two that are nondenom
mops.org/
momsclub.org/welcome.html
and I like this website for Catholic mom stuff…
catholicmom.com/

–Rebecca
 
anytime my husband is around other people he acts like he hates me. His tone is really hateful. This really hurts my feelings. If he says he wants to work things out why does he do this? Should I just move away and try to heal myself?? I could never forget about him, I’ll always love him, but he is hurting me more and more everyday. He says “my crying b******t has got to stop.” I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I cry because he hurts my feelings. I love him but right now I also hate him!
He is also telling people lies about me.
 
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