In need of advise

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Robaynne:
Anna’s mom something to boost you today!!!

Key Verse:
Philippians 4:13, “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” (NIV)

Devotion:
I have hair issues. My hair tends toward silky and straight regardless of the current style. Do you remember when “big hair” was in style? My tresses didn’t cooperate. They went for the flat look. Or what about the new trend of cute flips outward and backward? Ha! Not my locks. They stubbornly hang downward obeying the command of gravity. As I said, I have hair issues.
Now don’t get me wrong. I am very grateful for my hair. Although, it doesn’t always oblige my daydreams of high-fashion hairdos, I wouldn’t trade my hair with anyone else. Why, because I have found that “hair products” give it strength to be what it isn’t.

Reflection Points:
What type of issues do I carry around each day?

What are my weaknesses?

Do I believe I can live my life without the help of Christ?

Am I willing to show my weaknesses and to ask God for help?
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That was perfect! The reflections … the ability to do anything when He is added. Perfect.

(And I can relate to the hair, as mine is fine and straight with a mind of its own, also…grin. )

This was perfect, thank you. I needed it today, too.

God bless!
 
Anna's Mom:
anytime my husband is around other people he acts like he hates me. His tone is really hateful. This really hurts my feelings. If he says he wants to work things out why does he do this? Should I just move away and try to heal myself?? I could never forget about him, I’ll always love him, but he is hurting me more and more everyday. He says “my crying b******t has got to stop.” I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I cry because he hurts my feelings. I love him but right now I also hate him!
He is also telling people lies about me.
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Too early to make major decisions of any kind other than getting help, Confession, possible Alanon, etc. Tooooo soon to make any kinds of permanent changes.

IF he is using, he will continue to make you the focus. You can choose not to let that affect you by learning to take what you need and leave the rest. No one can make you ‘feel’ any way, if you learn the triggers to the buttons he is pushing and how to deal with them.

You take things one day at a time. You are probably ‘in withdrawal’ … of a co-dependency.

I went through that. Not fun. But you can make it, and you can get healthy without moving, etc. One day at a time.

(When we run to avoid hurts… we go with us. If we are hurting, depressed, etc… when we get where we run to, we will still be there, ‘feeling’ the same way we did in the old place, but perhaps lonelier for not having any support group… reach out to those around you… like the priest. He won’t bite. )
 
I’m going to try really really hard not to call him. I’m going to try really really hard to keep busy. Tomorrow my day is full. My friend is comming for brunch, then I go to a baby shower, then work. That will help me stay away from him.
I think he does love me and if i can have the will power to stay away from him he will start to miss me.
 
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WICatholic:
Too early to make major decisions of any kind other than getting help, Confession, possible Alanon, etc. Tooooo soon to make any kinds of permanent changes.

IF he is using, he will continue to make you the focus. You can choose not to let that affect you by learning to take what you need and leave the rest. No one can make you ‘feel’ any way, if you learn the triggers to the buttons he is pushing and how to deal with them.

You take things one day at a time. You are probably ‘in withdrawal’ … of a co-dependency.

I went through that. Not fun. But you can make it, and you can get healthy without moving, etc. One day at a time.

(When we run to avoid hurts… we go with us. If we are hurting, depressed, etc… when we get where we run to, we will still be there, ‘feeling’ the same way we did in the old place, but perhaps lonelier for not having any support group… reach out to those around you… like the priest. He won’t bite. )
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thanks fo saying it is to early to make any major changes. People tell me to leave and get out of the situation. I hear that I should be mad and this has gone on long enough. I get my feelings hurt so much!

the trouble is I don’t want to get out. I love him. I want him back.
someone please send him home.

Lord please give me the strength!
 
Hello everyone. Still missing my dear hubby like crazy. I just love him so much.
Yesterday I was hanging out with my friend in the am. We were just gabbing and messing around. Later she went to a weenie roast with her family. She sent me a text message telling me to be strong and giving me confidence and moral support. we started texting back and forth. At the time I was frying some chicken for my dear hubby. My friend was telling me not to do those kind of “wife” things since we are separated. We began joking around and I sent a message saying that my husband was in the shower so I was doing dishes, laundry and flushing toilets, only I accidently sent the message to my husband instead of my friend!!! While I was doing laundry and dishes while he was in the shower, it was because I had to. I needed to leave for work soon, so the things had to be done asap. (I was making up bottles and stuff for the sitter)
My husband became irate when he saw this message. I was only venting to my friend. He now thinks we were conspiring against him. (we have all been friends for a few years) My friend and my hubby got into a big fight (verbally) all because of my carelessness!!! I don’t go around spouting bad things to my friends, but now he thinks I do. Also she has never said bad stuff about him. She is just trying to support me emotionally.
 
Anna's Mom:
Hello everyone. Still missing my dear hubby like crazy. I just love him so much.
Yesterday I was hanging out with my friend in the am. We were just gabbing and messing around. Later she went to a weenie roast with her family. She sent me a text message telling me to be strong and giving me confidence and moral support. we started texting back and forth. At the time I was frying some chicken for my dear hubby. My friend was telling me not to do those kind of “wife” things since we are separated. **We began joking around and I sent a message saying that my husband was in the shower so I was doing dishes, laundry and flushing toilets, **only I accidently sent the message to my husband instead of my friend!!! While I was doing laundry and dishes while he was in the shower, it was because I had to. I needed to leave for work soon, so the things had to be done asap. (I was making up bottles and stuff for the sitter)
My husband became irate when he saw this message. I was only venting to my friend. He now thinks we were conspiring against him. (we have all been friends for a few years) My friend and my hubby got into a big fight (verbally) all because of my carelessness!!! I don’t go around spouting bad things to my friends, but now he thinks I do. Also she has never said bad stuff about him. She is just trying to support me emotionally.
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He got mad about that?! Geez. I think this guy is playing mind games on you. He’s using every chance he gets to put a guilt trip on you and make you feel like your the one causing problems. Don’t let him get away with it.

I know you miss him and you love him, but often times in these situations, the person won’t change their behavior until we stop allowing them to manipulate us.

I’ve been through this with my husband. He did the same stuff to me. Ya know what turned his butt around? When he realized I was fed up, cut my feelings off, and was ready to file for divorce. (he knew I had already met with an attorney and was serious).

I’m not saying you should file for divorce to scare him, or even that you should file for divorce. What you NEED to do is get FED UP and put your foot down and be done with his games. Cut him out of your life, close the door to you , and make it clear to him that you are finished with him until he is ready to change his behavior. And follow through. If you don’t do this, he’s only going to prolong this situation and your misery.
 
Anna's Mom:
Hello everyone. Still missing my dear hubby like crazy. I just love him so much.
Yesterday I was hanging out with my friend in the am. We were just gabbing and messing around. Later she went to a weenie roast with her family. She sent me a text message telling me to be strong and giving me confidence and moral support. we started texting back and forth. At the time I was frying some chicken for my dear hubby. My friend was telling me not to do those kind of “wife” things since we are separated. We began joking around and I sent a message saying that my husband was in the shower so I was doing dishes, laundry and flushing toilets, only I accidently sent the message to my husband instead of my friend!!! While I was doing laundry and dishes while he was in the shower, it was because I had to. I needed to leave for work soon, so the things had to be done asap. (I was making up bottles and stuff for the sitter)
My husband became irate when he saw this message. I was only venting to my friend. He now thinks we were conspiring against him. (we have all been friends for a few years) My friend and my hubby got into a big fight (verbally) all because of my carelessness!!! I don’t go around spouting bad things to my friends, but now he thinks I do. Also she has never said bad stuff about him. She is just trying to support me emotionally.
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My husband just stopped by angrier than ever. He is still mad about the message I sent him by mistake. I was just being stupid and venting.
It seems like he only comes around anymore unless he has to. The otherday he came here to meet a guy about business. Last night he came to do his laundry. Tonight he came to see If I would drive him back to where he was staying. ( I couldn’t. It’s too late and baby has been in bed for hours. I’m not going to wake her because her dad doesn’t want to stay in the same house as us.)
I don’t know what to do anymore!!! just when I stop crying for a bit, it all happens again. I’m not sure if I can handle this.
 
You can’t. No one handles games. And you don’t need to justify why you did not give him a ride late at night.
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It is called working our own program, and stopping the enabling. But we have already shown you the way to learn how to handle it with help. Only you can make those calls, take those steps.
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My life has become unmanageable, I can’t do it, He can and so I will let Him. …
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God bless!
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it is all just so hard.
I promise myself everyday that I will be strong. I make promises to myself of things I wont do. I won’t cry ect.
I end up breaking those promises.

Lord please give me the strenght.
 
Anna's Mom:
it is all just so hard.
I promise myself everyday that I will be strong. I make promises to myself of things I wont do. I won’t cry ect.
I end up breaking those promises.

Lord please give me the strenght.
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S T O P giving the man permission to use you.
~ Kathy ~
 
Anna's Mom:
it is all just so hard.
I promise myself everyday that I will be strong. I make promises to myself of things I wont do. I won’t cry ect.
I end up breaking those promises.

Lord please give me the strenght.
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It is OK for you to let yourself cry. In fact, don’t hold your grief in like that. But it’s necessary for you to stand up to your husband…and then go cry when your alone and he’s not around.

Be strong in front of him…cry after he leaves. 😉
 
sometimes it seems like we are getting along so well. Then suddenly he is very mad at me, for something like a phone call at the wrong time. I don’t get it.
 
Anna's Mom:
sometimes it seems like we are getting along so well. Then suddenly he is very mad at me, for something like a phone call at the wrong time. I don’t get it.
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It’s called CONTROL. He is controlling you, and you are allowing him to do it.
~ Kathy ~
 
Anna, have you seen a counselor yet? I think you should print this thread out and take it to a counselor so he/she can get a good idea what’s going on in your head.

What I see is you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and you are not going to be able to break this cycle on your own. You need a qualified counselor/therapist to help you get out of this.

Today is as good a day as any to make that phone call to your local priest. Pick up the phone. Your local parish should be able to get you hooked up with a good Christian counselor. This is so important. We can only help you so much here, you have to do the rest.
 
I noticed you are still referring to your evidently abusive husband as “my dear hubby”. By now you’ve perhaps viewed scores if not hundreds of posts from people giving you advice on what to do about this abusive relationship. We’ve yet have anything to see thats “dear” about your hubby. You are clearly being a masochist by trying to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. Why not take the first steps and see a therapist and decide how to change YOUR life? If you can’t afford the mortgage on the house you may have to move out and get a small apartment. You mention that you work so I assume you have some money of your own coming in. Or you can change the locks on your house and prevent him from coming in at any time he pleases. You’re basicly living on your own right now so why do you need him?
 
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Celeste88:
I noticed you are still referring to your evidently abusive husband as “my dear hubby”. By now you’ve perhaps viewed scores if not hundreds of posts from people giving you advice on what to do about this abusive relationship. We’ve yet have anything to see thats “dear” about your hubby. You are clearly being a masochist by trying to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. Why not take the first steps and see a therapist and decide how to change YOUR life? If you can’t afford the mortgage on the house you may have to move out and get a small apartment. You mention that you work so I assume you have some money of your own coming in. Or you can change the locks on your house and prevent him from coming in at any time he pleases. You’re basicly living on your own right now so why do you need him?
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He is very "dear " to me. I’ll always love him.
I have seen a therapist. I do have money comming in, although it is not nearly enough. I’m struggling to just maintain being behind in my bills.
As for the abuse, it is my fault. I was the one constantly nagging and telling him to leave. I was the one who threatened divorce. I’m so sorry I did all those things. I love him so much!!!
 
Anna's Mom:
He is very "dear " to me. I’ll always love him.
I have seen a therapist. I do have money comming in, although it is not nearly enough. I’m struggling to just maintain being behind in my bills.
As for the abuse, it is my fault. I was the one constantly nagging and telling him to leave. I was the one who threatened divorce. I’m so sorry I did all those things. I love him so much!!!
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Your marriage sounds rocky at best. Why did you tell him to leave in the first place if you love him so much?
Now you want him back? Do you think he’ll change for you and you’ll live happily ever after? If by some slim chance he does come back both of you will be at each other’s throats again. Do you want your daughter to live in such a home?
When I was growing up my parents fought like cats and dogs. My father was verbally and physically abusive to my mother and us kids. How often I wished they’d separate you don’t know. But they didn’t, because as Catholics they considered divorce a sin. Hitting, slapping and name calling I guess were no sins. As much as I hate to say it, your daughter may be better off without seeing all the abuse.
 
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Celeste88:
… As much as I hate to say it, your daughter may be better off without seeing all the abuse.
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I have to agree with you Celeste. Because what her child will learn is that it’s OK to bahave badly to say the least . But Anna won’t get help unless Anna wants it. Anna needs to stop making excuses for her “dear hubby” . Until she does that, no amount of counseling will help.
~ Kathy ~
 
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Celeste88:
Your marriage sounds rocky at best. Why did you tell him to leave in the first place if you love him so much?
Now you want him back? Do you think he’ll change for you and you’ll live happily ever after? If by some slim chance he does come back both of you will be at each other’s throats again. Do you want your daughter to live in such a home?
When I was growing up my parents fought like cats and dogs. My father was verbally and physically abusive to my mother and us kids. How often I wished they’d separate you don’t know. But they didn’t, because as Catholics they considered divorce a sin. Hitting, slapping and name calling I guess were no sins. As much as I hate to say it, your daughter may be better off without seeing all the abuse.
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I think I told him to leave all the time looking for attention from him. He works all hours of the day and night. It was kinda like I could tell him to leave and I wanted a divorce and be unsupportive of him, then when he loved me anyway it was like, WOW if I can act like that and he still loves me, he must REALLY love me.
There is absolutely no physical abuse on either side. He says he still loves me 10 different ways. I know how much I love him. Shouldn’t our love prevail???
Maybe we just need to work on communication skills. We have discovered that I feel neglected when he works so much. He has said he feels like he isn’t providing for his family if he doesn’t work that much. There is also tons of other pressures in our life right now…

More than anything I want him back. not just for the baby. I truly miss him!!
 
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