W
WICatholic
Guest
To all,
(Not yelling, just emphasizing.)
First of all, if there are drugs involved, you will not see ‘sane behavior’ from Anna’s Mom no matter what you want to see until she gets help by being honest with her counselor.
His behavior, if he is addicted, is impossible to understand. That is WHY our lives become unmanageable. And OUR behavior as spouses gets equally as nutsy. So IF there is drug/alcohol problem here, she needs a Christian counselor who knows how to deal with addicts/almost addicts/binge users, etc.
They need an assessment done, but she has already said she is “afraid” to admit that part to anyone because of his ‘job’…and until she gets honest with any counselor and with herself, there won’t be any done.
Second. No one here has any right to tell her to ditch him completely (which essentially means ‘divorce’ today. ) No one. Regardless of what ‘you’ would or would not do, no one here KNOWS these two, and no one KNOWS what is really going on.
We are getting only bits and pieces here, and some of it is sounding like it is escalating into more and more ‘reasons’ why NOT to get help rather than truly getting help.
In her first post, she said she has been away from the Church for years, later she said she goes to Mass nearly daily. IF this change has taken place. That is a beginning.
For almost a month now, we have encouraged her to:
Long distance counseling like this will not solve her problems, but does enable her to ‘vent’ just enough so that she is apparently not hurting enough to make those steps.
When my husband left us, I was DEVASTATED, and I also ‘loved’ him. But I hurt so badly that I almost immediately called a counselor at the hospital I worked at who was a drug/alcohol counselor as well as a Catholic who fought to do all he could do to save our marriage. He got dh hooked into counseling, too, for a long time.
In the end, it was the decision of my ‘dh’ that involved the Civil Court system, as he was not willing to accept and change the things HE needed to work on. (And I still loved him; even THEN he was still my ‘dear hubby’. HE may not have thought so, but I did. As does Anna. HE may not have ‘acted dear’–that is immaterial.)
And yes, the Church DOES consider divorce to be **‘grave’ ** sin --read the Catechism.
I know many recovering alcoholics/addicts and spouses who have survived what she and her hubby are going through when one got help needed and started the ball rolling by changing their re-actions to his behaviors to ACTIONS.
Anna’s Mom,
This is nearly a month now that we have been ‘discussing and advising’, and I know you are hurting.
But it won’t stop, it won’t go away, it won’t get better until you pick up that phone and make those calls – not the text messaging your friend and ‘accidentally sending’ it to your hubby – but the ones listed above.
Act. Right now, you are simply RE-acting. That will get you nowhere. You will do as I did, and change everything but what needs to be changed.
And unfortunately, the first one that God begins to work on is… You.
Much as I hated learning that, it has been true in my life, and in nearly everyone else that I know who wants a ‘better marriage’ (usually meaning ‘change my spouse’ to be what I want him/her to be).
That becomes, as you take those steps above… Change Me to be what HE needs; and somewhere on the way, God will begin to change him to be what I need.
Whether dh ever changes or not, you need to. None of us can guarantee dh will ever stop the games, grow up and become the man of God he was meant to be. But you have a daughter, and you need to become the woman God intends you to be, regardless! For yourself, as much as for Anna.
God,
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I CAN,
And, the Wisdom to know the difference.
(Not yelling, just emphasizing.)
First of all, if there are drugs involved, you will not see ‘sane behavior’ from Anna’s Mom no matter what you want to see until she gets help by being honest with her counselor.
His behavior, if he is addicted, is impossible to understand. That is WHY our lives become unmanageable. And OUR behavior as spouses gets equally as nutsy. So IF there is drug/alcohol problem here, she needs a Christian counselor who knows how to deal with addicts/almost addicts/binge users, etc.
They need an assessment done, but she has already said she is “afraid” to admit that part to anyone because of his ‘job’…and until she gets honest with any counselor and with herself, there won’t be any done.
Second. No one here has any right to tell her to ditch him completely (which essentially means ‘divorce’ today. ) No one. Regardless of what ‘you’ would or would not do, no one here KNOWS these two, and no one KNOWS what is really going on.
We are getting only bits and pieces here, and some of it is sounding like it is escalating into more and more ‘reasons’ why NOT to get help rather than truly getting help.
In her first post, she said she has been away from the Church for years, later she said she goes to Mass nearly daily. IF this change has taken place. That is a beginning.
For almost a month now, we have encouraged her to:
- Get right with the Church by going to Confession, making an appointment with a priest to talk about returning, & get some advice on who to go to for good counsel, and any Sacrament she may not have missed when they ‘left’ the Church in her childhood.
- Get to a good counselor. One who (since she has told us he is using/promising not to use/ acting out like he may be using…etc… one who KNOWS about addictions, and one who is not going to immediately counsel divorce, but work to heal their relationship.
- Get to Alanon/Narcanon if he is using, because his using IS affecting HER behavior. (And we do not know if Anna’s Mom has used in past, either…)
- To stop enabling him by calling/chasing/letting him in at all hours/driving him where he needs to go, etc etc etc.
Long distance counseling like this will not solve her problems, but does enable her to ‘vent’ just enough so that she is apparently not hurting enough to make those steps.
When my husband left us, I was DEVASTATED, and I also ‘loved’ him. But I hurt so badly that I almost immediately called a counselor at the hospital I worked at who was a drug/alcohol counselor as well as a Catholic who fought to do all he could do to save our marriage. He got dh hooked into counseling, too, for a long time.
In the end, it was the decision of my ‘dh’ that involved the Civil Court system, as he was not willing to accept and change the things HE needed to work on. (And I still loved him; even THEN he was still my ‘dear hubby’. HE may not have thought so, but I did. As does Anna. HE may not have ‘acted dear’–that is immaterial.)
And yes, the Church DOES consider divorce to be **‘grave’ ** sin --read the Catechism.
I know many recovering alcoholics/addicts and spouses who have survived what she and her hubby are going through when one got help needed and started the ball rolling by changing their re-actions to his behaviors to ACTIONS.
Anna’s Mom,
This is nearly a month now that we have been ‘discussing and advising’, and I know you are hurting.
But it won’t stop, it won’t go away, it won’t get better until you pick up that phone and make those calls – not the text messaging your friend and ‘accidentally sending’ it to your hubby – but the ones listed above.
Act. Right now, you are simply RE-acting. That will get you nowhere. You will do as I did, and change everything but what needs to be changed.
And unfortunately, the first one that God begins to work on is… You.
Much as I hated learning that, it has been true in my life, and in nearly everyone else that I know who wants a ‘better marriage’ (usually meaning ‘change my spouse’ to be what I want him/her to be).
That becomes, as you take those steps above… Change Me to be what HE needs; and somewhere on the way, God will begin to change him to be what I need.
Whether dh ever changes or not, you need to. None of us can guarantee dh will ever stop the games, grow up and become the man of God he was meant to be. But you have a daughter, and you need to become the woman God intends you to be, regardless! For yourself, as much as for Anna.
God,
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I CAN,
And, the Wisdom to know the difference.
