In need of prayers please

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dancergal

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This is mostly for me to vent, and to ask for some prayers. I’ve been married to my husband for 3 and a half years, and we’re hitting some rocky ground. All my life, I’ve been very timid, and I’ve never really been able to stand up for myself. Now I’m starting to see that I haven’t even been standing up to my husband. He’s been the one in control, so to speak, of our family. He goes to work every day while I stay home with the kids. When he gets home, I cook dinner and serve it to him. I wash up the kids and get them seated at the table. Once he’s finished eating, he leaves the table, often times leaving me still eating while also feeding our two toddlers. I clean up dinner and then entertain the children for most of the evening until bedtime. At bedtime, I bathe the kids and get them ready for bed. My husband usually meets me in our son’s room for bedtime prayers. During this entire time, my husband has been either on his computer, watching TV, or playing video games. I don’t even hang up pictures on the walls of our home without asking his approval first, because he says he wants to be there to see how it all looks first. (Now if he were an interior designer, this might be a legit request, but he’s not.) I don’t think it all started this way, and I’m even surprised at how bad this all sounds now that I’ve written it down.

A few months ago, we had a chat about him spending more time taking care of the children when he’s home. He has improved some, but it still seems like he’s only willing to help out when he knows someone else will be watching. For example, we took a week long trip to visit his brother, and my husband was more than willing to change diapers and pour sippy cups. As soon as we had driven out of his brother’s driveway, it was my “turn,” as if I had been doing nothing but relaxing the whole week.

This week he started a new job. He really loves it, but he’s coming home with this shauvenistic attitude, like women are just dumb little fragile things who really don’t know what’s going on in the world. And he’s being even more disrespectful with the way he addresses me. Something finally clicked and I decided enough was enough, so I started standing up for myself little by little. Now my husband complains all the time that I’m nitpicking him for not being perfect. Everytime I ask him not to interrupt me when I’m talking, for example, he brings up something that I don’t do adequetly. When I mentioned that we should have more of an equal share of caring for the kids when he’s home, he completely took over. He was changing every diaper, playing with the kids, and feeding them, all while pushing me out of the way everytime I started doing something with them. I felt like he was just saying, “see? I can do my job and your job too.” I’m trying my best just to ask him to show me the respect I deserve as a wife, and it’s so difficult. I really don’t want to pick on him, but I do want to feel respected and loved.

Every time I bring up something that he does that makes me feel bad, he somehow finds a way to turn it on me and tell me that it’s something I’m doing wrong that is causing him to act out. And at the time, I actually can’t think of any reasons why it’s not my fault. When I think about things later, I can think straighter, and I know it’s not all my fault, but I can’t find a way to explain it. I feel bad that I’ve never stood up for myself until now, and I feel like it’s partially my fault for not standing up earlier and letting it get to this point. And I feel like I don’t want to just pick on my husband all the time. I want to be able to improve myself so I can stand up for myself, but I don’t want to turn into someone who is just overly critical of others.

Thanks for listening to me vent, and please pray for me and my husband to be able to work through this.
 
Sounds like your husband is a spoiled you know what! You helped create this monster by letting him get away with it in the first place.Unless u both go for help now u might be an-
other statistic.Also try praying the Rosary together as a FAMILY! 😉
 
I was married to a man much like that for 21 years. He will never change. The question for you is: Can I live with this?
It will only get worse not better. UNless he would go to therapy and his type don’t want that.
Do you want your kids to end up being like him and being disrespectful towards you ? I am sorry to say, they will be no matter what you do…NO MATTER what YOU DO! Because it IS HIM!!! I made the mistake in thinking I could protect my children from him. Now that they are adults they are like him in the worst of ways and it is so extremely painful to me that If I would of known this I would of divorced him and got an annulment way before 21 yrs.
Time goes so fast and before you know it this could happen to you. Get out now! It is not a marriage. He is another child not adult.
God help you!
 
Counseling immediately. Both as a couple and individually as well. Even he should seek individual therapy. It’s a family issue that hasn’t been addressed. Is there anywhere you can go for a few days? I’m not saying a big separation, just enough to let him do it all himself for real. Oh, don’t leave the kids behind. Maybe then he can see how much work you really have to do. I say this because it seems to me like you’re sitting on a time bomb.
 
How does his father treat his mother? How does HE treat his mother? How does he treat service people (waitstaff, clerks in stores, etc.)? This is a very good indicator of how he will treat YOU.

Is he Catholic? Practicing? Were you married in the Church? - these help to know if you can tap into the graces of a Sacramental marriage.

Counseling is best, now, soon!
 
I went to good counseling and my x did for a yr. When a person doesn’t want to change he just won’t. I do not know all the facts, but the controlling manlipulation is a very hard one for a husband to change. With alot of pray and GOOD therapy it is possible. But there are ALOT of idot therapists out there ,so you MUST find the best.
 
The question about how he treats his mother and other people is a good idea to think on. Also think about discussions you had while dating and engaged about how you thought your lives would be as a married couple. For example, did you discuss staying home with the kids? Did he perhaps expect that that meant you would be the 24/7 parent? Also, how much did his own father interact when the kids were in the diapers and sippy cup ages? It could be that he just doesn’t understand that he needs to be involved when they are so young.

Please do seek out counseling and speak to your priest also. At this point, thinking about divorce I hope is premature. Do all you can to salvage your marrige. That will mean learning to stand up for yourself, but also start to think about the things your husband does do to contribute to your family and home life beyond his paycheck. Think about his positive attributes so that you maintain a good relationship and don’t always focus on the smaller negatives.

I will be praying for you and your family.
 
I think it is a little late to be thinking about how he treats his mom and other women at this point. You are already with the man and have kids. But if you ever break up, do think about this before getting serious with another. But good manlipulators fool the best of us and you really often can not tell about the man until it is too late. Often men that are domineering and controling seek out good big heart women as yourself. It is an old story,and a sad one. I went through it and many many women have and do still as you are. Think about you and your kids first.
I am usually an optimist,but after many relationships with the wrong guy, not my "luck’ picking good men,therefore, I have learned a lifetime of things about this type.
It still comes down to, can you live with this? and take care YOU and your children first.
 
This all sounds very familar to me, having been in a long term marriage like that.

You should be able to ask your husband for help or tell him that you don’t like the way that he is talking to you, without him developing a punishing and blaming attitude. What he is doing is totally unacceptable.

I think counseling is what you need. I would recommend starting with individual counseling first. It will give you the strength that you will need to see this through in the direction it needs to go. Marriage counseling would be good too, but watch out for manipulation.

Once you really do learn to stand your ground, you will get a more clear picture of how your husband will respond to that and whether he wants you as a partner in life or if he preferred a door mat.

Praying for you. I know that this is tough, but it is a really, really good thing that you can see this for what it is.
 
Don’t worry. All marriages go through tough times especially early on. No one said it would be easy. It sounds like he wants to be better. You both need to work on communication and respect.

Don’t listen to the posters here who are telling you he won’t change, or that your marriage is doomed. They don’t know him and you do.

That said, get some help…maybe talk to a trusted priest…both alone and together.

Remember, you’ve only been together 3 1/2 years and you have 2 small kids - you are both still learning how this all works!

Always pray together! Even if it’s just a Hail Mary before you fall asleep.
 
Thanks for all the replies and prayers.

As far as his parents go, his father is wonderful. My father in law works hard at his day job, and he’s incredibly devoted as a husband. He does everything he can for his wife, and it’s very clear that he did most of the raising of the children. My mother in law, on the other hand, is lazy and selfish. She didn’t have much interest in actually raising the kids when they were young. Even now, she often makes comments about all her boys, trying to excuse herself for not teaching them things. She’ll just shrug and say something like, “I don’t know where they learned to be so lazy, their dad isn’t lilke that.” My husband frequently says that he looks up to his father and aspires to be like him, but he actually behaves more like his mother.

We are both Catholic, and we were married in the church. We go to church every week as a family, but I don’t think my husband would go if I didn’t make a point of it. When the kids are sick and we have to go to church on our own, for example, he just chooses to sleep in and skip church. We do make it a point to pray as a family with the kids, but we don’t pray alone as a couple, which I know we should.

Someone mentioned being wary of idiot counselors. This is the main reason I haven’t sought out marriage counseling prior to now. We’ve just moved back to the town where my husband and I grew up, and unfortunately, it’s full of that type. I know there’s got to be someone good around here, but it’s not something that I would just walk up to someone and ask about. (It’s not the same as asking for a good pediatrician, for example.) It’s just been about a week since I’ve had this revalation about my marriage, so I know it’s going to be difficult breaking these habits that we’ve made. I’m thinking of having my parents take the kids for the weekend so that my husband and I can just have some time to have some long talks about this on our own.
 
dancergal said:
Thanks for all the replies and prayers.

As far as his parents go, his father is wonderful. My father in law works hard at his day job, and he’s incredibly devoted as a husband. He does everything he can for his wife, and it’s very clear that he did most of the raising of the children. My mother in law, on the other hand, is lazy and selfish. She didn’t have much interest in actually raising the kids when they were young. Even now, she often makes comments about all her boys, trying to excuse herself for not teaching them things. She’ll just shrug and say something like, “I don’t know where they learned to be so lazy, their dad isn’t lilke that.” My husband frequently says that he looks up to his father and aspires to be like him, but he actually behaves more like his mother.

We are both Catholic, and we were married in the church. We go to church every week as a family, but I don’t think my husband would go if I didn’t make a point of it. When the kids are sick and we have to go to church on our own, for example, he just chooses to sleep in and skip church. We do make it a point to pray as a family with the kids, but we don’t pray alone as a couple, which I know we should.

Someone mentioned being wary of idiot counselors. This is the main reason I haven’t sought out marriage counseling prior to now. We’ve just moved back to the town where my husband and I grew up, and unfortunately, it’s full of that type. I know there’s got to be someone good around here, but it’s not something that I would just walk up to someone and ask about. (It’s not the same as asking for a good pediatrician, for example.) It’s just been about a week since I’ve had this revalation about my marriage, so I know it’s going to be difficult breaking these habits that we’ve made. I’m thinking of having my parents take the kids for the weekend so that my husband and I can just have some time to have some long talks about this on our own.
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*I’m sorry dangergal. I think this hits it on the head, personally. He probably doesn’t respect his mother…for how she was sort of ‘not there’ mentally,emotionally, etc for him growing up…and thus, treats you with little regard, misplacing his anger towards his mother onto you. Also, you doing everything domestic and parental, he has a mother who wasn’t a great role model, and again, it is how he copes with his anger, by bowing out of taking care of the kids, etc and putting it all on you. This said, I think there’s hope here still. I would ask him to get into couples counseling with you. He needs to improve, you’re not his maid and servant, you’re his WIFE. He isn’t your master, he is your HUSBAND.

I would consult your priest also, and ask him for advice on finding a good Catholic counselor if in anyway possible. Good luck, and I’ll be praying for your marriage. :gopray:*
 
I’m a little bit wary of what you are saying about your husband’s parents. If his father had such a hand in raising him, why is the mother the one being blamed for how he turned out?

Do you think his mother might be depressed and has given up after being put down and blamed?

And you say that your husband acts involved and helps out when others are around and probably seems like a model dad. Do you think it is possible he learned that from his own father?

The above is all just speculation, but history has a way of repeating itself in family disfunction.

I also want to say that there is absolutely NO SHAME in seeking a counselor. The real shame is in not seeking help when there is a problem. I would not hesitate to ask people. Your priest, school counselors, your physician are all good sources for seeking out a competent marriage and family therapist.

Trust me, you do not want to end up in your mother in law’s shoes. In my former marriage I found it shocking to one day realize just how hard my ex was trying to get be to be like his mother. Men often marry women that are like their mothers and/or treat their wives the way they saw their father treat their mother, which often yields the same result.
 
God Bless you. Your husband sounds like my wife. Perfect every where but behind our door was that is until she left. The way I look at it only God’s divine intervention will change my wife and I’m not counting on that, but I still pray. Good luck!
 
I don’t know if this will help at all or just make things worse - but here goes-

I went to visit my best friend in August - she had not had a break over 12 hours in over 7 - almost 8 years. Her husband works and she stays at home. He does help some, but he also can get very - _issy when the kids don’t snap to it (which is difficult to do with a 22 month old) - anyway, I went up and tried to give her a break - I wanted to take her to the beach but she was afraid of being too far away from her kids if her husband couldn’t handle it. So we had a hotel room in a city about an hour away. Within 24 hours he couldn’t handle the 3 kids. It was a REAL wake up call to him. I know since then he has gotten much more respectful of my friend and helps out more. He needed to k now exactly what it would be like if my friend left and he had to take care of the kids - or if she went back to work how it would be. Your husband needs a reality check! I almost wish you could talk to your father in law - but I know that could cause some cross tie problems between the fmaily. Can you write him a letter- let him know you’re serious - this way he can’t interrupt you?

I feel badly for you - you’re so lucky to have the kids - just out of curiosity, how long were you married before you had kids? I just was curious how long you were married and both working or whatever prior to having your first blessing. I would try the letter but beyond that, I might consider going to a friends house with the kids for a while to let hiim know your serious about the situation. Men often seem to think when we “spout off” that we’re just talking a bit and it isn’t important.

Good luck and God Bless. I know we’ll all be praying for you and your husband.

Rye
 
The only person you can change is yourself. You’ve discovered some areas you need to change, so do it.

Find a good book (Christian if not Catholic) about setting healthy boundaries in a relationship and start doing it. Your husband WILL NOT like it, but do it anyway. You deserve to be treated with respect.
 
ryecroft said:
I don’t know if this will help at all or just make things worse - but here goes-

I went to visit my best friend in August - she had not had a break over 12 hours in over 7 - almost 8 years. Her husband works and she stays at home. He does help some, but he also can get very - _issy when the kids don’t snap to it (which is difficult to do with a 22 month old) - anyway, I went up and tried to give her a break - I wanted to take her to the beach but she was afraid of being too far away from her kids if her husband couldn’t handle it. So we had a hotel room in a city about an hour away. Within 24 hours he couldn’t handle the 3 kids. It was a REAL wake up call to him. I know since then he has gotten much more respectful of my friend and helps out more. He needed to k now exactly what it would be like if my friend left and he had to take care of the kids - or if she went back to work how it would be. Your husband needs a reality check! I almost wish you could talk to your father in law - but I know that could cause some cross tie problems between the fmaily. Can you write him a letter- let him know you’re serious - this way he can’t interrupt you?

I feel badly for you - you’re so lucky to have the kids - just out of curiosity, how long were you married before you had kids? I just was curious how long you were married and both working or whatever prior to having your first blessing. I would try the letter but beyond that, I might consider going to a friends house with the kids for a while to let hiim know your serious about the situation. Men often seem to think when we “spout off” that we’re just talking a bit and it isn’t important.

Good luck and God Bless. I know we’ll all be praying for you and your husband.

Rye
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I’ve actually been advised by a few people to just leave my husband alone with the kids more often. I haven’t recently because everytime I do leave him alone with them, he just sits in front of the TV the whole time. I come home to the house being just torn apart, the kids not having been fed, and both sitting in very full diapers. So I have been avoiding leaving him with the kids because of this, but now I’m seeing that this is exactly what he wanted.

About speaking with my father in law, I’ve seriously considered it. Mostly because I think his attitude has gotten significantly worse since starting his new job, and I believe it’s because of one of his superiors. On my husband’s first day, this guy pulled my husband into his office and said about one of the female workers, “watch your back around this girl. I say hi to her every morning and she never answers me.” Then later on in the week, he tells my husband that he’s doing a better job than a female new hire, because the female is having to go home and take care of her children. Because she focuses on her family, she won’t have as much work put on her as my husband will, and as a result of this my husband will get farther in his job… To me, those comments have no place in the workplace, and this guy should not be mentioning all of this to the new guy. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe it’s a form of sexual harrassment. I advised my husband to be wary of this guy and to not get caught in those conversations with him if they could be avoided, but my husband actually defends this guy! My husband says this guy is entitled to his opinion, and he’s not actually putting down the women. My husband says this guy has a psychology degree, so it’s just natural for him to watch interactions and draw conclusions about people, and that’s just how this guy forms opinions. That may be the case, but I don’t feel this guy has the right to voice those types of opinions in the workplace. (Again, correct me if I’m wrong.) My husband even said, “and anyways, if this guy was really a problem he’d have been fired before now.” Sorry, but that’s just not the way things work sometimes… from what I’ve seen, problem guys can hang around for years before anything is ever done. I really would like my father in law’s take on that particular situation, just to see if I can’t find a way to talk some sense into my husband on at least that issue.

We got pregnant right away, so I was never working during our marriage. We actually got married when we each had one more year left of college, so for a while I was going to school and doing the homemaker thing while he was working.
 
dancergal said:
I’ve actually been advised by a few people to just leave my husband alone with the kids more often. I haven’t recently because everytime I do leave him alone with them, he just sits in front of the TV the whole time. I come home to the house being just torn apart, the kids not having been fed, and both sitting in very full diapers. So I have been avoiding leaving him with the kids because of this, but now I’m seeing that this is exactly what he wanted.

About speaking with my father in law, I’ve seriously considered it. Mostly because I think his attitude has gotten significantly worse since starting his new job, and I believe it’s because of one of his superiors. On my husband’s first day, this guy pulled my husband into his office and said about one of the female workers, “watch your back around this girl. I say hi to her every morning and she never answers me.” Then later on in the week, he tells my husband that he’s doing a better job than a female new hire, because the female is having to go home and take care of her children. Because she focuses on her family, she won’t have as much work put on her as my husband will, and as a result of this my husband will get farther in his job… To me, those comments have no place in the workplace, and this guy should not be mentioning all of this to the new guy. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe it’s a form of sexual harrassment. I advised my husband to be wary of this guy and to not get caught in those conversations with him if they could be avoided, but my husband actually defends this guy! My husband says this guy is entitled to his opinion, and he’s not actually putting down the women. My husband says this guy has a psychology degree, so it’s just natural for him to watch interactions and draw conclusions about people, and that’s just how this guy forms opinions. That may be the case, but I don’t feel this guy has the right to voice those types of opinions in the workplace. (Again, correct me if I’m wrong.) My husband even said, “and anyways, if this guy was really a problem he’d have been fired before now.” Sorry, but that’s just not the way things work sometimes… from what I’ve seen, problem guys can hang around for years before anything is ever done. I really would like my father in law’s take on that particular situation, just to see if I can’t find a way to talk some sense into my husband on at least that issue.

We got pregnant right away, so I was never working during our marriage. We actually got married when we each had one more year left of college, so for a while I was going to school and doing the homemaker thing while he was working.
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WOW - I’m amazed that you were able to get through college with a year to go and the way your husband has seemed to get. May I as what your degree is in? I guess I’m just trying to think of a way where you might be able to do some work as well where he would have to watch the kids- then you would both be working and both have the responsibility of the kids. Saying that, I fear (and believe you do as well) how far he would let the kids go as far as diapers and feedings-to try to prove his point to you. I would say leave him for twelve hours but I bet you would fear as much as I would that your kids wouldn’t be fed, stimulated or changed for 11 of those 12 hours. Also if the work is a possibility, he would see that you can be self sufficient - and that if you did decide to leave him, it wuld be a possibility. I fear for your kids but I fear for you almost more because I know you’ll put your kids first. The truth is, you may have to leave him on his own and let him realize that you’re capable of doing this with or without him - I know that is a terribly scarry though, but it’s one you need to think about. There is absolutely no reason - not even a church reason that says you have to stay and take his **** (for want of a better word) Good luck with this.
God Bless
Annie

p.s. feel free to pm me
 
You are correct. You don’t have it wrong. What this man is saying is professionally and legally unacceptable. It also seems to be something that holds an appeal to your husband. I find it strange and alarming that he seems to like the idea of putting his career in front of his family. That’s some pretty disordered thinking. I’m happy to say that no one I work for has this mindset.
 
I would like to recommend a Catholic radio program called Heart, Mind and Strength. It is great and they were just last week talking about a scenario just like yours. They have a website and the hosts are a married Catholic couple. If you don’t have a local Catholic radio station just Google catholic radio stations and you should be able to find one to listen too online. My family will pray for you. Pray to God for strength and guidance and he will lead you to the right path.

May God be with you.
 
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