In need of relationship advice

[JustinK]

First off, let me apologize for this post. It will most likely be long and confusing as my thoughts tend to jump around a lot.

I am currently in my first relationship ever and I’m a little bit late to the game since I am 26.

We have always had a very confusing friendship. We had been talking for 4 years and I’ve pretty much been solely talking with her and my other close friend.

The relationship began with us meeting online. We continued to talk for about 2 years before she came down to visit.

Now, I have always been an over-thinker and I tend to find myself in trouble a lot of times because of it.

I have also had loads of trouble becoming infatuated easily.

But with her, we have a history. We have literally talked every day since the time I’ve known her.

I wasn’t even really planning on dating her but it just came about one night when I told her that she was constantly on my mind. And a part of me knew, with this relationship, it was either going to have to be all-in or all-out. I guess I just wasn’t ready to let her go.

Fast forward to some trying times: I remember praying one night and all I asked for was her to be happy. The next day, she said she still loved me and wanted to work through it.

The next prayer I said was during another hard time. This time, I asked for both of us to be happy. The same thing happened, she said she loved me.

I took this to mean that God wanted her in my life for some reason. So, I continued on.

But lately, there have been feelings of difference. To be honest, there has always been feelings of difference.

She’s always been needy. That hasn’t really bothered me so much because I guess I just liked having someone there. There’s a comfort in that. It has started to annoy me a bit, though.

If I work late, or am not able to talk to her, she gets upset.

And I’ve always felt like I couldn’t do things I wanted to. Because then it would make her sad I’m not there.

If I’m wanting to hang out with friends or go somewhere, she’s upset because I don’t want to spend time with her.

A big issue is that I feel like I can’t change who I am if I wanted to because she’s happy with who I am. But who I am to her is someone who does what she asks without question. That’s good, but it’s exhausting when you just want to be your own individual person and you can’t ever be.

Another big issue is she doesn’t agree with a lot of my views. For instance, she asked me if I would have sex with her when she visits me again. My initial answer in my mind was no. I don’t really know her like that. And I’m saving it for someone I’m sure I love. We’ve met twice. It’s not that I don’t care for her, I don’t want to ‘rush’ into it like a lot of people do now.

I told her maybe to not make her upset. She said it’s a yes or no. I told her that I don’t want us to feel bad for doing it. Her response was that it would be my fault if I felt that way.

She also doesn’t really agree on some religious views that I share. But I feel like I might be able to share them with her in the future if we stay together.

A part of me feels like I am in love with the relationship and not always in love with her/the things she does. Which, I don’t know, it might be normal for a first relationship.

But I can’t help thinking there’s someone else out there who can be compatible with me. And that’s what’s hard. I get random thoughts of other people in my life who I could be with. But I have someone and we’re working through it. But are we always going to be ‘working through it’?

A bunch of people also bring up the point that I could date someone closer. Or just go out to a movie with someone. What’s the point if I’m already with someone?

I miss talking with other people. I miss playing games and hanging out. I want to be happy when I talk to someone and not constantly have to worry about saying the wrong thing or upsetting them. It feels like I’m not really living right now, just existing.

But that’s what love is, right? Love is patient. I feel like there could be hope if I wait long enough to see her in person. Love is also kind. I don’t want to hurt her. And breaking up with her would devastate her. It would also make her think like she’s not good enough and I can’t do that. But maybe by me holding on, I’m holding her back from someone who can love her for everything that she is.

In the end, I know we’d both find ways to move on and all of the drama we both have caused each other will be over.

That seems nice on the surface. A fresh start. But I can’t do that to her. It just feels incredibly selfish.

I guess what I’m asking for is prayer. I am in need of understanding and peace. I am tired of being a doormat, but I also don’t want to hurt her or miss out on something good like what love can be with her.

I apologize for the length of this post. I can type so much more, but this is more than enough for now. Thank you to all who read this. I appreciate it more than you know.

 

[JimR-OCDS]

Justin, hello and I’ll pray for you.

Your story reminds me of my wife and myself who have been married over 43 years. We knew each other when we were five years old, and later met on a CYC trip. We had gone out during our teens and broke off for various reasons, then got back together, only to break up again. We didn’t see each other for almost 5 years until I came home on leave from the Marines, and we met at a dance. When we saw each other, that was it, we danced and I took her home. Long story-short, Easter, I came home on leave and gave her a diamond.

In all, love is giving of yourself to the other person. You commit yourself entirely, while at the same time receive their commitment to you. But it also means helping each other to grow, personally and spiritually.

Yeah, you often have to give up hanging out with friends, and I’ve found that my friends wives put an end to that anyway, so it wasn’t my wife’s doing.

You also have to give up doing a lot of things on your own, i…e traveling or getting involved with things that might not involve her, but you both have to be open to allowing each other to have hobbies that you enjoy, but never at the expense of your relationship with each other.

However you’re willing to commit yourself to her, because you love her and can’t imagine living the rest of your life without her.

If you’re not willing to make this level of commitment, then do her the favor of breaking it off, but realize, she’ll move on without you and she’ll find some one else and make a life with him. If this is fine with you, then you’re love is probably not deep enough to spend the rest of your life with her.

From all this, only you can decide and I would strongly suggest that you meet with her and talk about your feelings, and listen to hers as well. Be patient and open to each other.

Lastly, a marriage isn’t a 50/50 preposition, its 100/100 commitment to each other. Whatever you own is now hers, whatever she owns, is now yours. Less then this, you’ll struggle in your relationship.

Hope this helps.

God Bless
Jim

 

[Monica4316]

Well the first thoughts I had were these… In our faith, being in a relationship only has one purpose - to discern marriage with that person. If you don’t see yourself marrying her, it may be best to move on. Also, sex has to be saved for marriage to avoid mortal sin, same with anything that might tempt like passionate kissing. These things are mortal sins for the unmarried and its been defined by the Church.

 

[JustinK]

Jim, thanks for the reply. That’s a long time!

I agree with what you said about committing to them entirely. This is what a relationship with someone is about. Being there for them. However, it’s rough when you feel like they’re using that against you if you know what I mean. Like, I feel like she expects me to drop everything I’m doing at the moment for her. I understand it. She feels like she should be more important than whatever it is I’m doing, and she should be. It’s just annoying a lot of the time.

I also agree with stopping doing things on your own. But when it’s long distance, that’s also rough. I totally understand if we were in person, yea I’d want to hang out with her or do what I can do with her in person while I have the chance. But for what it is right now, it’s kind of like feeling obligated to spend 4-5 hours with her on the phone every night which tends to get to me if I have things going on or places to be. If I bring it up, she gets defensive and tells me something like, ‘Oh, I’m sorry I’m taking all your time.’ It’s not that, it’s just that I don’t fully agree with being on the phone with her when she’s sleeping. Again, I understand where she’s coming from. She wants me to be there for her. I’ve told her that my phone is always on me and she knows she can text me whenever.

As far as spending the rest of my life with her. There have been times I have seen that in the future, for sure. Then again, this is my first relationship and I have nothing else to compare it to if that makes sense. Like, how will I truly know if she’s the one if she’s the only one I’ve tried to have a deeper relationship with?

I am trying to have a deeper commitment to her. Again, with distance it’s hard. I’ve never been a fan of change and the thought of uprooting my life for someone I don’t KNOW know is a little scary and a big risk. We have spoken about moving closer to each other. We both agree that we NEED to see each other a lot more often than once a year for this to work. The times we have spent together have been enjoyable, though.

As far as me seeing her with somebody else, that’s actually what led me to tell her my feelings about her. She was with somebody else while we were still in the ‘friend’ stage of our relationship. She had seen other people, but she always would come back to me so I wasn’t too worried about it. However, something felt like she was about to be ‘stolen’ from me and I feared it was too late. I told her how I felt and how much she had been on my mind and the next day we started dating. Still, I feel like she deserves someone else sometimes.

I mean, I don’t know if I’m ready to make that kind of commitment yet. We haven’t even really been on a date. I don’t really know what she’s like in person yet. However, we have gone through so much that I doubt a lot will phase us.

The biggest concern I have is we have a lot of trouble understanding each other. I feel like this is a necessity in a relationship. Of course, people are raised differently and such. But, some of the things we disagree with are a big deal for me. My problem is I don’t know when too much is going to be too much.

I agree meeting and talking with her is the best option. Communication is key in any relationship if it’s going to develop. I have brought some things up with her though and all she says is, ‘You have your opinion and I have mine.’ And that can be so frustrating when your opinions don’t jive with theirs.

I will keep at it for now. Thank you for your reply and prayers.

Best wishes.

-Justin

 

[JimR-OCDS]

Justin
long distant relationships, I have little experience except when I was stationed away from my fiance, for 6 months. However, we didn’t have computers and cell phones back then, so the bill we rang up for $140, hurt and we both knew we had to restrict our phone conversations.

My son began a long range relationship with a woman down in Texas. We’re in MA. Eventually, she came up here for a week and we got to meet her. He immediately made plans to go down there. However, after she left, the long distance communication caused problems and suddenly, they broke up. That only lasted a few days before they started communicating again and now, he lives with her down in Texas. Yeah, they’re not married, and they’re both divorced, but that’s their choice. They seem very happy from what I can see, but I told my son before he left, if it doesn’t work out, you find your own way back home.

I think the distance between you too is having an impact.

One thing women want is security in a relationship. If she’s feeling insecure, its because of her not knowing what your doing or up to.

As far as never having dated anyone else, it doesn’t matter. Love isn’t a game of comparisons, but this is where I’m coming from, others may have better advice.

In all, pray and ask God for guidance.

If you get a chance to be with her, tell her how your faith in God is important to you.

I’ve seen marriages dissolve as one person became very religious while the other did not.

If you draw a triangle on a piece of paper, write God at the top of the triangle and then your name on the bottom left at the base, and your girlfriend’s name across the base on the bottom right. Then, move the base up the triangle. If you are both together in your faith in God, your names will move closer together as you both move up the triangle toward’s God. If you grow and she doesn’t, the base will become lopsided as your name moves up along the triangle to God, while your girlfriend’s stays behind below you.

Hope this makes sense, but it’s an example that was given to me by a minister some years ago.

From here, I think talking with others who have experience in long-range relationships would be good.

However, I think if you’re both serious about getting to know each other better, you’ll have no choice but move closer to each other.

Jim

 

[JustinK]

Monica, thanks for your reply.

I agree with you when you say the goal of dating is marriage. My sister does, too.

However, whenever we tell my mom that, she tells us that the goal of dating is to find out who you enjoy spending time with.

I think these two conflicting ideas lead to confusion. On one hand, you want to spend time dating to decide who fits best with you and cut it off if you don’t complement each other. But on the other hand, you find someone and work through things to the point of developing a deeper love with them thus ending in marriage.

I also agree with you on the sex issue. That was a tough road in college to go down, but I learned that just because something is normal doesn’t make it okay. I have saved myself for 26 years and plan to save it. This is why it was so difficult for me to answer her question about us having sex. You don’t want to disappoint the person you’re trying to love as much as you can, but you also don’t want to compromise your values.

These are just a few of the things that me and her disagree on. And they are big deals for me. But to her, she can’t understand why it’s such a big deal and I have a feeling she won’t understand my point of view on the topic.

I’d hate to have her think I don’t love her just because I won’t have sex with her. But, I’m not sure how to approach it in a way she’ll understand with the upbringing and influences she has had in her life.

I’d like to stay in her life as long as she is happy with me in her life. But I fear it’s going to come to a point where we just don’t agree on the deeper stuff that really should matter.

At the same time though, I feel like knowing someone is there for you and ready with a loving embrace is good enough. Even if they don’t fully understand you.

That’s what we do with God. We will never fully understand Him. But we welcome Him because we know He is there for us no matter what with a loving embrace. And He understands us completely, while we are content with knowing the love He radiates.

Thanks again for replying.

Kind regards.

-Justin

 

[LethalMouse]

This sounds a bit complicated as there are always many ins and outs. You like the other poster said should love entirely to love properly, but then there is other issues. Obviously 4-5 hours a night for phone can be an issue…

But also, we get used to things. I am in a LD relationship and we phone alot, but also sensible for the most part. I call on my drives etc. And we spend time on the phone at night. Now we slowly evolved into so much that it cut into sleep and such and was habit forming. I had to be an adult and cap it a bit. Now given habit and my lady’s enjoyment of such she didn’t exactly jump for joy, but also didn’t say “no be sleep deprived or I am leaving” lol because that would be loco.

So perhaps since this is your first you are a bit too afraid to throw some pants on and adult in these kinds of regards?

Also, on the sex… well CAF the stock answer is no.

But as to her desire, is she like you and just in love with her first and wanting to try? Or is she experienced(which you mentioned dating soo…i am leaning toward that one)? These are two different mentalities possibly, and one would be of love and the other more part of how she lives and possibly one of conquest/manipulation of the goody virgin boy… yes women do that. Also, if she values the no sex perhaps it is just a struggle? I mean I am a practicing catholic and value chastity pre marriage… but it is also the sin that I am most inclined to cave on so I could see that from her perspective.

Now with the sex thing mixed in, you said you differ on religious views? That can be a loaded bit of commentary, because what she wants, values, and is about can bary greatly without that info.

On your side there is value of noting your inexperience and such but also of not overduing a need for “comparison”. Especially if you all but negate everything you experience by wondering if it “counts” or “could be better” etc…

Think of it like this:

In a sense you could have 2 types of crab cakes good/not as good.

If you have wonderful delicious crab cakes then why question if they are delicious by comparison to other people etc…

For me I don’t like crab cakes at all… so why worry about what I like?

And more so, I actually did have crab cakes I liked… they were the worst cheapest weakest crab cakes prepackaged garbage… and I liked them bc I could not taste nothing of the crab meat.

So for me in my case if I were inexperienced and I got the prepackaged ones and gave them up for “better ones” note I would be sorely disappointed

If that makes sense, I have talked to someone often worried about “this is my first is this actually good/bad” and I am condening much thought lol

 

[JustinK]

Well the first thoughts I had were these… In our faith, being in a relationship only has one purpose - to discern marriage with that person. If you don’t see yourself marrying her, it may be best to move on.

Monica, I read this wrong the first time. Of course the only purpose of a relationship is to lead to marriage. I apologize, I feel foolish for my comment now.

Also, I don’t see myself marrying her YET. But only because we haven’t really seen much of each other in person at all for me to think about that kind of a thing yet.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned. You don’t truly know a person until you are with them in person for awhile.

Best.

-Justin

 

[LethalMouse]

I also agree with you on the sex issue. That was a tough road in college to go down, but I learned that just because something is normal doesn’t make it okay. I have saved myself for 26 years and plan to save it. This is why it was so difficult for me to answer her question about us having sex. You don’t want to disappoint the person you’re trying to love as much as you can, but you also don’t want to compromise your values.

I’d hate to have her think I don’t love her just because I won’t have sex with her. But, I’m not sure how to approach it in a way she’ll understand with the upbringing and influences she has had in her life.

First not telling is a no-no. Honesty and see where it goes. You are by way of fear being manipulative and creating more harm than good.

Ever notice that people who do things to avoid conflict create more?

People who try to get out of work do more work trying to get out of it?

Etc… bad stuff.

With that on the second, “I believe in not having sex until married take it or leave it, it is my faith”

Or

“Maybe we could have sex”…“nah nevermind, NO SEX FOR YOU”

Which one feels like no sex is a result of whims and feelings?

I would say the second, the longer you drag lies the worse they become.

 

[JustinK]

Jim,

A lot of people have told me that long distance is hard. I’d like to think I’m strong enough for it, though. I’m used to not really having much physical contact, so it doesn’t matter as much to me as other people.

I agree with the security issue. I’d imagine anybody wants to know that they can’t be replaced. I’m working on finding things that make her irreplaceable.

I liked the triangle idea. I know she isn’t really into religion so much. She used to go to Church but stopped going awhile back. But again, maybe I can teach her a few things. I know it’s tough because I basically have my whole life of ‘religious knowledge’ so there is bound to be some issues between us with that.

Love shouldn’t be a game of comparisons. When you find ‘the one’, I suppose you just know. But for me, it’s more of a matter of making something work because you want that love. It’s also tough because I can’t help but think there are other people who can have similar views about important things in my life just naturally without me having to explain them.

I will continue to pray for this relationship.

Thanks.

-Justin

 

[JustinK]

Lethal,

I agree I am a bit afraid because this is my first relationship and I don’t want to miss out on something good.

I am not her first relationship, but I do know how much I mean to her which is why I’m trying to work for it as much as I can.

She differs in most views. But that will be anyone. My best hope is to try to teach her or help her understand where I am coming from with my views.

Maybe one day we’ll click.

Best wishes.

-Justin

 

[JustinK]

First not telling is a no-no. Honesty and see where it goes. You are by way of fear being manipulative and creating more harm than good.

Ever notice that people who do things to avoid conflict create more?

People who try to get out of work do more work trying to get out of it?

Etc… bad stuff.

I would say the second, the longer you drag lies the worse they become.

Lethal,

I agree honesty is best and that trying too hard to manipulate a situation results in more work than it’s worth.

I will try to be as straight-forward as I can be without hurting her feelings.

I need to learn to understand her as a person before I can love her fully.

Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut.

-Justin

 

[Monica4316]

Justin, thanks for the reply. What if you spoke to her about the reason for saving oneself for marriage, not just as a rule, but the reasons? Because if she saw that much more love is expressed within marriage, and that its a type of self giving together with total commitment, she may not feel unloved like how you describe. Its sad in our culture that people feel unloved because of this, when its the reverse. Love is wishing someone the best. Maybe letting her know that could help? Like “I wish the best for you, and that’s why…” Just an idea! This website has many resources: chastity.com

 

[Catholic1954]

First off, let me apologize for this post. It will most likely be long and confusing as my thoughts tend to jump around a lot.

I am currently in my first relationship ever and I’m a little bit late to the game since I am 26.

We have always had a very confusing friendship. We had been talking for 4 years and I’ve pretty much been solely talking with her and my other close friend.

The relationship began with us meeting online. We continued to talk for about 2 years before she came down to visit.

Now, I have always been an over-thinker and I tend to find myself in trouble a lot of times because of it.

I have also had loads of trouble becoming infatuated easily.

But with her, we have a history. We have literally talked every day since the time I’ve known her.

I wasn’t even really planning on dating her but it just came about one night when I told her that she was constantly on my mind. And a part of me knew, with this relationship, it was either going to have to be all-in or all-out. I guess I just wasn’t ready to let her go.

Fast forward to some trying times: I remember praying one night and all I asked for was her to be happy. The next day, she said she still loved me and wanted to work through it.

The next prayer I said was during another hard time. This time, I asked for both of us to be happy. The same thing happened, she said she loved me.

I took this to mean that God wanted her in my life for some reason. So, I continued on.

But lately, there have been feelings of difference. To be honest, there has always been feelings of difference.

She’s always been needy. That hasn’t really bothered me so much because I guess I just liked having someone there. There’s a comfort in that. It has started to annoy me a bit, though.

If I work late, or am not able to talk to her, she gets upset.

And I’ve always felt like I couldn’t do things I wanted to. Because then it would make her sad I’m not there.

If I’m wanting to hang out with friends or go somewhere, she’s upset because I don’t want to spend time with her.

A big issue is that I feel like I can’t change who I am if I wanted to because she’s happy with who I am. But who I am to her is someone who does what she asks without question. That’s good, but it’s exhausting when you just want to be your own individual person and you can’t ever be.

Another big issue is she doesn’t agree with a lot of my views. For instance, she asked me if I would have sex with her when she visits me again. My initial answer in my mind was no. I don’t really know her like that. And I’m saving it for someone I’m sure I love. We’ve met twice. It’s not that I don’t care for her, I don’t want to ‘rush’ into it like a lot of people do now.

I told her maybe to not make her upset. She said it’s a yes or no. I told her that I don’t want us to feel bad for doing it. Her response was that it would be my fault if I felt that way.

She also doesn’t really agree on some religious views that I share. But I feel like I might be able to share them with her in the future if we stay together.

A part of me feels like I am in love with the relationship and not always in love with her/the things she does. Which, I don’t know, it might be normal for a first relationship.

But I can’t help thinking there’s someone else out there who can be compatible with me. And that’s what’s hard. I get random thoughts of other people in my life who I could be with. But I have someone and we’re working through it. But are we always going to be ‘working through it’?

A bunch of people also bring up the point that I could date someone closer. Or just go out to a movie with someone. What’s the point if I’m already with someone?

I miss talking with other people. I miss playing games and hanging out. I want to be happy when I talk to someone and not constantly have to worry about saying the wrong thing or upsetting them. It feels like I’m not really living right now, just existing.

But that’s what love is, right? Love is patient. I feel like there could be hope if I wait long enough to see her in person. Love is also kind. I don’t want to hurt her. And breaking up with her would devastate her. It would also make her think like she’s not good enough and I can’t do that. But maybe by me holding on, I’m holding her back from someone who can love her for everything that she is.

In the end, I know we’d both find ways to move on and all of the drama we both have caused each other will be over.

That seems nice on the surface. A fresh start. But I can’t do that to her. It just feels incredibly selfish.

I guess what I’m asking for is prayer. I am in need of understanding and peace. I am tired of being a doormat, but I also don’t want to hurt her or miss out on something good like what love can be with her.

I apologize for the length of this post. I can type so much more, but this is more than enough for now. Thank you to all who read this. I appreciate it more than you know.

You don’t really need prayers for God to “fix” this relationship. You need the courage to do the right thing and break up with her. She sounds quite immature and manipulative and you are already unhappy with her controlling the time you spend with other people; a lifetime living like that will make you more miserable than you can imagine. It is more selfish to lead her on, eventually marry her and bring children into an unhappy, loveless household. She will be hurt at first, but after a time she will get over it, learn a few life’s lessons, and move on to find someone else.

 

[JimR-OCDS]

JustinK

A lot of people have told me that long distance is hard. I’d like to think I’m strong enough for it, though.

It has more to do with communication than how hard or how strong you are.

People communicate differently in person than they do over email or even via Skype. especially a couple who need intimate time together, which is where they really get to know one another.

Prayer will be your key.

God Bless

Jim

 

[JustinK]

Justin, thanks for the reply. What if you spoke to her about the reason for saving oneself for marriage, not just as a rule, but the reasons? Because if she saw that much more love is expressed within marriage, and that its a type of self giving together with total commitment, she may not feel unloved like how you describe. Its sad in our culture that people feel unloved because of this, when its the reverse. Love is wishing someone the best. Maybe letting her know that could help? Like “I wish the best for you, and that’s why…” Just an idea! This website has many resources: chastity.com

Monica, no problem.

Yea, I could see that being more effective than what I was thinking. The problem there though I could see would be her saying, “So when are we getting married?”

In fact, she has already asked me, “When are we going to be more than boyfriend and girlfriend.”

“Love is wishing someone the best.” I love that.

Thanks so much for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

-Justin

 

[JustinK]

You don’t really need prayers for God to “fix” this relationship. You need the courage to do the right thing and break up with her. She sounds quite immature and manipulative and you are already unhappy with her controlling the time you spend with other people; a lifetime living like that will make you more miserable than you can imagine. It is more selfish to lead her on, eventually marry her and bring children into an unhappy, loveless household. She will be hurt at first, but after a time she will get over it, learn a few life’s lessons, and move on to find someone else.

I believe there has to be a reason for this relationship. Whether it be to gain knowledge about knowing someone on a more personal level, or learning something about yourself.

People have told me the same thing you are telling me, though. She might be immature and manipulative. But she needs someone to love her. Maybe that’s me. Maybe I can’t meet her on the level she needs. But I have to try my best.

I admit, I have thought about breaking up. She has too.

I have also thought I have been leading her on.

But to be honest, we haven’t even really begun to date date yet. To me, dating is spending time with the person in person. I feel I’d be able to make a better judgement of her and the situation in person.

Besides, love is patient. How patient? I’m not sure. But, as long as she’s happy, I’ll keep at it.

At the very least, she has taught me how to love more. So it’s not a total loss.

Thank you for your reply.

Best.

-Justin

 

[JustinK]

I believe there has to be a reason for this relationship. Whether it be to gain knowledge about knowing someone on a more personal level, or learning something about yourself.

People have told me the same thing you are telling me, though. She might be immature and manipulative. But she needs someone to love her. Maybe that’s me. Maybe I can’t meet her on the level she needs. But I have to try my best.

I admit, I have thought about breaking up. She has too.

I have also thought I have been leading her on.

But to be honest, we haven’t even really begun to date date yet. To me, dating is spending time with the person in person. I feel I’d be able to make a better judgement of her and the situation in person.

Besides, love is patient. How patient? I’m not sure. But, as long as she’s happy, I’ll keep at it.

At the very least, she has taught me how to love more. So it’s not a total loss.

Thank you for your reply.

Best.

-Justin

 

[JustinK]

JustinK

It has more to do with communication than how hard or how strong you are.

People communicate differently in person than they do over email or even via Skype. especially a couple who need intimate time together, which is where they really get to know one another.

Prayer will be your key.

God Bless

Jim

I agree. Communication is everything in relationships. I’ve heard it said that these types of relationships are not for the weak, though. Maybe I’m trying to prove something to myself.

Oh, yea. People are definitely different in person. I learned that the hard way with a few old roommates. You get to see the nitty-gritty side of everything that makes them who they are. Especially if you’re a couple, you need that special bonding time together.

Like I said, I have enjoyed the time we’ve spend together so far and I can’t wait to see what more awaits for us together in person.

Thank you again, Jim.

Best.

-Justin

 

[Trident_H]

I believe there has to be a reason for this relationship. Whether it be to gain knowledge about knowing someone on a more personal level, or learning something about yourself.

People have told me the same thing you are telling me, though. She might be immature and manipulative. But she needs someone to love her. Maybe that’s me. Maybe I can’t meet her on the level she needs. But I have to try my best.

I admit, I have thought about breaking up. She has too.

I have also thought I have been leading her on.

But to be honest, we haven’t even really begun to date date yet. To me, dating is spending time with the person in person. I feel I’d be able to make a better judgement of her and the situation in person.

Besides, love is patient. How patient? I’m not sure. But, as long as she’s happy, I’ll keep at it.

At the very least, she has taught me how to love more. So it’s not a total loss.

Thank you for your reply.

Best.

-Justin

What I’m reading here man? You’re bringing a whole lot of nice to the table. But you’ve been holding back on the kind.

I mean you haven’t been fair to her in a bunch of different ways.

Let’s see if we can follow this along:

1. You’ve taught her that you like being enslaved to her needs when you don’t.
2. You’ve withheld your real feelings about sex and marriage.
3. You’ve let her take away all your other interests and haven’t complained

So here’s the cup you’re brewing here. You’re building something of a volcano. At some point the real you is gonna come out of this and blow her world all apart at once.

And she’s going to be shattered in a million pieces.

When what you should be doing is just being honest with her. And setting boundaries. And helping her to cope with these boundaries. And teaching her to think of you as an independent person. Not just an appendage.

So really. You need to start being kind to this girl you like.

And stop letting her misunderstand everything she thinks is true.

Peace.

-Trident