In need of some advice

[Jay28]

I recently ended a relationship with my boyfriend because I got in trouble with my parents. And my mother doesn’t want me to go back into that relationship because she found that he was too demanding and possessive. I still talk to him and I believe he loves me and will change so that if we were to go back into relationship things would be different. I really would like to try again but my mom won’t hear of it. I know that it’s important to listen to your parents but you see I don’t know in this case if my mom is right. My parent’s marriage isn’t going well, and it’s possible divorce may happen soon. I would try to explain how I felt to my mom about my ex-boyfriend but she doesn’t believe in the concept of love. I asked her if she believed in the bible verse about love.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

She doesn’t believe in it…She says it’s fantasy. Is it fair that my mom should intervene like this in my relationship when she doesn’t even believe in love and her marriage is going down the drain? I mean, I know she wants the best for me but I love him and I trust him. I want to do the right thing but I don’t know if it means I must listen to my parents.

 

[holly_potter]

Do you have a trusted friend or other relative who also knows you and your ex-boyfriend and your relationship with each other? If so, ask them their honest opinion of him. Don’t explain that your mom thinks such and such ,and you think the opposite–you want their honest opinion and that might cause them to be biased. Stay open minded (this is hard ) and let them say whatever. And if they don’t mention his demanding and possessive behavior, ask them point blank. “Do you think he was/is demanding or possessive?” (or even controlling).

If your friends/relatives say the same thing your mom does, then your mom has a point. If they’re surprised at the suggestion of his alleged demanding behavior, then you will know if your mom is a bit biased by an unhappy marriage.

It’s quite possible she was trying to protect you from having to experience an unhappy marriage herself, especially if she sees qualities your dad has in your ex-boyfriend.

hope this helps

 

[1ke]

Until you are an adult and out on your own, you should respect and obey your parents.

It is unlikely a teenage boy who has traits of being possessive and demanding is going to mature overnight and become this wonderful person you want him to be. If you are still a teen, you are too young to be in a serious romantic relationship and thinking of the type of love a marriage is founded on.

Wait until you are older for such emotional investments in boys.

Whether it is fair or not, your parents have decided you should not date this boy. You need to respect their authority.

 

[kevinsgirl]

My answer depends on your age.

If you’re under 18 and living with your parents, you have to follow the rules.

If you’re over 18 and on your own, your parents may be wrong but they may also be right. Think long and hard before going back into a relationship that had problems. Don’t go in expecting changes–you should be able to see changes outside of the relationship–and those changes should be obvious for awhile.

It also sounds like your mom is letting her personal disillusionment cloud her judgment somewhat with regards to teaching you about the beauty of a loving, giving relationship too.

 

[Jay28]

Well as far as I’m concerned I have to figure out and learn about the beauty of a loving, giving relationship on my own. I really can’t depend on my parents for that one. I was trying to accomplish that with my ex when we were together.

And my mom keeps telling me people don’t change. But isn’t love supposed to always trust and persevere? So I trust that he would change gradually and things would get better between us.

Does anyone know if that verse about love is true?

 

[kevinsgirl]

Well as far as I’m concerned I have to figure out and learn about the beauty of a loving, giving relationship on my own. I really can’t depend on my parents for that one. I was trying to accomplish that with my ex when we were together.

And my mom keeps telling me people don’t change. But isn’t love supposed to always trust and persevere? So I trust that he would change gradually and things would get better between us.

Does anyone know if that verse about love is true?

Yes, the verse about love is true.

But you don’t know that you and your boyfriend really have the love for each other that is described in the verse. It’s not meant to be a verse to make people stay in an abusive relationship. It’s not meant to make you ignore faults in someone.

Healthy relationships don’t start off with someone needing to change. They start off with two people trying to love each other as they should–generously and unselfishly. And their commitment to loving each other keeps that love going strong.

Don’t use the verse to justify trying to “save” a guy.

 

[Jay28]

Well I wasn’t using it to “save” a guy. I was just using it as a guide so that I would sort of know what love is all about. And our previous relationship didn’t start of with someone needing to change, we were trying to love each other generously and unselfishly like you said. And I know we did have commitment to each other.

I know he cares about me because in this time when my parents are possibly going to divorce he’s there for me. I can confide in him.

 

[Blade_and_Blood]

Men don’t change. And to think you can actually change a man is foolish in, like, five different ways.

Just move on, there are so many different men who will treat you with love and respect. That Bible verse of yours has a bit of a flaw: Love takes two.

Ironically Yours, Blade and Blood

 

[lumenorientale]

That Bible verse of yours has a bit of a flaw: Love takes two.

Ironically Yours, Blade and Blood

Now, now B&B… It isn’t flawed, it just doesn’t spell EVERYTHING out completely and exhaustively, bludgeoning everything to death with too much wordiness. Aye carumba!

To the OP, what our friend B&B is saying about men is true. They don’t change–well, they can’t be changed by us. They have to grow, and change on their own.

Big red flag is you saying that he is possessive. I heard somewhere that 1/3 of all teenage girls will be in an abusive relationship before she turns 18. If he is showing signs of controlling behavior, you need to get out before it’s too late. I think your mom knows what she’s talking about. It’s not that she stopped believing in love because of the impending divorce, and therefore wants to interfere in your relationships. She wants to protect you.

Take care, and God Bless (you too, B&B).

 

[_wifey]

Now, now B&B… It isn’t flawed, it just doesn’t spell EVERYTHING out completely and exhaustively, bludgeoning everything to death with too much wordiness. Aye carumba!

To the OP, what our friend B&B is saying about men is true. They don’t change–well, they can’t be changed by us. They have to grow, and change on their own.

Big red flag is you saying that he is possessive. I heard somewhere that 1/3 of all teenage girls will be in an abusive relationship before she turns 18. If he is showing signs of controlling behavior, you need to get out before it’s too late. I think your mom knows what she’s talking about. It’s not that she stopped believing in love because of the impending divorce, and therefore wants to interfere in your relationships. She wants to protect you.

Take care, and God Bless (you too, B&B).

I have to agree…especially as a girl who has been in abusive relationships as a teenager.

1 Corinthians 13 is true…it is talking about God’s perfect love for us, the kind that the sacrament of marriage should emulate. This kind of love only exists when God is the center of your relationship with yourself and with your spouse. And it doesn’t happen overnight.

Honor your mother, if the relationship is truly about love, it will last (because God knows what is best for us) even through a time of friendship only or a time of complete separation.

God bless.

 

[TLM08]

I recently ended a relationship with my boyfriend because I got in trouble with my parents. And my mother doesn’t want me to go back into that relationship because she found that he was too demanding and possessive. I still talk to him and I believe he loves me and will change so that if we were to go back into relationship things would be different. I really would like to try again but my mom won’t hear of it. I know that it’s important to listen to your parents but you see I don’t know in this case if my mom is right. My parent’s marriage isn’t going well, and it’s possible divorce may happen soon. I would try to explain how I felt to my mom about my ex-boyfriend but she doesn’t believe in the concept of love. I asked her if she believed in the bible verse about love.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

She doesn’t believe in it…She says it’s fantasy. Is it fair that my mom should intervene like this in my relationship when she doesn’t even believe in love and her marriage is going down the drain? I mean, I know she wants the best for me but I love him and I trust him. I want to do the right thing but I don’t know if it means I must listen to my parents.

Young people experience their feelings of attraction much more intensely than older people. Your mom can’t relate to those feelings anymore. But you have got to trust your mom’s instincts. What happens as people get older, they can see further down the road of life. Your mom knows where the pot holes in that road are. She has hit a lot of them!

She knows you are right behind her on the road of life and she’s yelling back to you… calling out: “POT HOLE ON THE RIGHT… POT HOLE ON THE LEFT!”

Talk to other people who are older that you can trust. They will probably tell you to steer away from guys like this too.

Look at a young man’s family history. If his parents are in a good marriage, then he might be a good husband and father some day. Boys who come from violent or troubled homes are usually ticking time bombs.

 

[TLM08]

And my mom keeps telling me people don’t change. But isn’t love supposed to always trust and persevere? So I trust that he would change gradually and things would get better between us.

Marrige magnifies character defects. Whatever his flaws are not will certainly become stronger after the wedding. If there is even the sightest hint of abuse right now, run!

If you don’t, you will be absolutely miserable and so will any children you have with an abuser.

 

[idrum677]

she found that he was too demanding and possessive.

   ****Big warning sign there! Get away while you can!****

If this is how he is, I agree with your mother. I don’t know you but what you are saying concerns me. Believe me, you are not the first who hopes a guy will change. I’ve seen too many examples of this and it always turns out badly.

St. Paul is correct when talking about love, but he is writing about the Love of Christ- much greater than romantic love. Love is not demanding and it certainly not possesive. Love is supposed to raise you up, not bring you down. You will discover real love…in God’s time. It will seem perfectly clear to you and others will see it too.

Remember, no matter what your parents are going thorugh in their marriage, they still love you. That doesn’t change. Turn to God to help you through this time. I am praying for you.

 

[Highwayhound]

I recently ended a relationship with my boyfriend because I got in trouble with my parents. And my mother doesn’t want me to go back into that relationship because she found that he was too demanding and possessive. I still talk to him and I believe he loves me and will change so that if we were to go back into relationship things would be different. I really would like to try again but my mom won’t hear of it. I know that it’s important to listen to your parents but you see I don’t know in this case if my mom is right. My parent’s marriage isn’t going well, and it’s possible divorce may happen soon. I would try to explain how I felt to my mom about my ex-boyfriend but she doesn’t believe in the concept of love. I asked her if she believed in the bible verse about love.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

She doesn’t believe in it…She says it’s fantasy. Is it fair that my mom should intervene like this in my relationship when she doesn’t even believe in love and her marriage is going down the drain? I mean, I know she wants the best for me but I love him and I trust him. I want to do the right thing but I don’t know if it means I must listen to my parents.

You never mentioned the reason you got in trouble with your parents. Are you willing to share that information? I think it would be helpful when people are deciding what sort of advice to offer you? Were you staying out too late with this boy? Were you dabbling in stuff that is bad or illegal? Please give us some idea as to what lead to getting in trouble and the break up with this boy.

God bless

 

[1ke]

And my mom keeps telling me people don’t change. But isn’t love supposed to always trust and persevere? So I trust that he would change gradually and things would get better between us.

You are mixing up a few things. First, your mother is right that people often do not change. They **can **change, but many times choose not to, don’t believe they need to, or fall back into old habits.

You should never enter a relationship with the intent or hope that someone will change to be more like what you want, expect, or need.

A relationship with a future includes two people who *already *have good qualities, attributes, and character. A relationship without a future consists of one person dating another who lacks character, qualities, and attributes desired/needed with the *hopes *of changing that person.

Does anyone know if that verse about love is true?

\

St. Paul is referring to the theological virtue of charity. What is translated into English as “love” has a more specific meaning in the Scriptures. He is talking about the type of love we have for God and for our neighbor because of our love for God.

Romantic love is only one type of love. When the verse talks about love bearing all things, believing all things, being patient, etc it is NOT talking about choosing a mate who has flaws and bad character traits and then sticking with them and hoping they will change. No, we are called to discern carefully our vocation to marriage.

Marriage is a *joint vocation *of husband and wife to raise up children to be saints and to help one another get to heaven. One must choose carefully a spouse that one can entrust your soul to and that of your children. If, in the *dating *process, you find characteristics that are NOT compatible with a life-long vocation to serving each other and the Lord then dating has done what it is supposed to do: weed out those you are not called to join together in the Sacrament of Marriage with.

 

[Jay28]

You are mixing up a few things. First, your mother is right that people often do not change. They **can **change, but many times choose not to, don’t believe they need to, or fall back into old habits.

You should never enter a relationship with the intent or hope that someone will change to be more like what you want, expect, or need.

A relationship with a future includes two people who *already *have good qualities, attributes, and character. A relationship without a future consists of one person dating another who lacks character, qualities, and attributes desired/needed with the *hopes *of changing that person.

Actually I never expected him to change but it turns out that he genuinely seemed that he wanted to change after we separated. And that is what gave me hope. I really don’t recall asking him to change. And also I agree that we both have good qualities and character, he’s also a roman catholic. Even though he did stray to being possessive and demanding I forgive him for all that because nobody’s perfect. I know he has a good heart, he’s not a bad person. After we broke up, I was really angry with him but now as the anger has faded I realise that my feelings for him are still the same. I believe I still love the boy.

Oh and the reason we got into trouble was kinda silly. I met him without my parents knowing and while we were hanging out he was trying to hug me and be close and I told him no because if someone saw it would have caused trouble. He didn’t really listen and well someone did see and called my dad…

 

[perfectpeach]

So he was hugging you and you told him to stop and he wouldn’t listen? Your mom is right… please listen to her.

If this boy loved you like the bible verse mentions, he would never have done that to you.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Please listen to your mother. What you see as bitterness and forgetting what love is is something else. Your mother has learned things the hard painful way. She wants to spare you the pain. You do not say why they are divorcing. But maybe long ago she fell in love with someone and made excuses for his faults and his behavior and hoped he would change. And she thought her perfect love could change him too. And it didn’t. And now she is divorcing. Maybe you could talk to her more about this. Sometimes girls are attracted to people very much like their father. Your dad may love you, and dads often treat their daughters differently than everyone else. But your mom’s experience with your dad is something you cannot understand. Your mom may see the downside of this.

Demanding possessive boyfriends do not change. They become husbands who smack you around. I know. Take it from someone who fell in love with a boy’s potential, not his reality. We’ve all been there… as soon as you leave they put on an act of being remorseful and willing to change. That’s how they reel you into a dramatic cycle of breaking up and making up. Going through that will harden your heart at too young an age.

Listen to your mother. No one in the world will ever love you like she does. I’m saying that as a mother.

Love really is blind. Deaf. And Dumb.

Your mom’s vision of your ex isn’t clouded by feelings of love or infatuation.

Love may be patient and kind, but it doesn’t sit around to be abused.

And if he loved you, he wouldn’t have gotten you in trouble with your family. Some boys only want what they can’t have, or like to live on the edge.

You are young. There are many other people out there. Your mom isn’t trying to make you lonely and unloved. She’s looking out for you. That’s a mom’s job.

 

[idrum677]

Actually I never expected him to change but it turns out that he genuinely seemed that he wanted to change after we separated. And that is what gave me hope.

Many women who are in toxic relationships end up saying the same thing. After they tried to get out of the relationship, the man states an intention to change in an attempt to get her back. Its actually another way of controlling the woman by luring them back with false promises.

The example you give with him not listening to you pretty much backs up what others here are telling you. Love is mutual giving of self…not taking what we want.

I really can’t say it better than 1ke

Marriage is a joint vocation of husband and wife to raise up children to be saints and to help one another get to heaven. One must choose carefully a spouse that one can entrust your soul to and that of your children. If, in the dating process, you find characteristics that are NOT compatible with a life-long vocation to serving each other and the Lord then dating has done what it is supposed to do: weed out those you are not called to join together in the Sacrament of Marriage with.

We have such a short time being young- enjoy it. Get together with friends, get involved in your parish, or take the time to do things that are difficult once you are off on your own. Use this time in oyur life to get closer to God and not get strapped down in a relationship that causes so much worry.

 

[Jay28]

Many women who are in toxic relationships end up saying the same thing. After they tried to get out of the relationship, the man states an intention to change in an attempt to get her back. Its actually another way of controlling the woman by luring them back with false promises.

The example you give with him not listening to you pretty much backs up what others here are telling you. Love is mutual giving of self…not taking what we want.

Well at least he did apologise for not listening. He keeps telling me I’m the one. Honestly it’s hard to move on, I’m still very attached. He thinks I’m making a mistake by breaking up, he thinks we would be able to work everything out. Hearing him talk like that makes it tough to move along…as I still feel strongly about him.