In the friend zone

[Crescentinus]

What is this “friend zone”, you may ask? It’s being rejected by one’s love interest. After that, they become friends. And yes, it’s soul-crushing.
I’m a guy who has experienced being friend-zoned for so long that it has become a cliche of sorts, and not a funny one.
So, I have a few questions.

1. How on earth does one live through the soul-crushing experience where your romantic advances get spurned with the words “Let’s just be friends”?
2. How does one get past the depression caused by it?
3. Why is it that none love me, for who I am? (Irrelevant question on the outside, relevant question in context to the discussion.)

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

What is this “friend zone”, you may ask? It’s being rejected by one’s love interest. After that, they become friends. And yes, it’s soul-crushing.
I’m a guy who has experienced being friend-zoned for so long that it has become a cliche of sorts, and not a funny one.

So, I have a few questions.

1. How on earth does one live through the soul-crushing experience where your romantic advances get spurned with the words “Let’s just be friends”?
2. How does one get past the depression caused by it?
3. Why is it that none love me, for who I am? (Irrelevant question on the outside, relevant question in context to the discussion.)

Tough to know what to say here. Rejection is a part of life. A painful part of life, but a part of life nevertheless. We experience it socially, in business (or in whatever career you have chosen) and also romantically (if you have that vocation.)

So I would say you deal with one type of rejection the same way you deal with other types. Accept that it is a part of life, understand that having pain associated with this is normal… accept and acknowledge your feelings. Pray. Seek counsel. Acknowledge that the rejection does not necessarily reflect poorly on you, and move on as best you can.

I saw that you said you were 22 years of age. If it helps you to know, I did not meet my wife until I was 25, and wasn’t married until 28. So recognize that you are still quite young, and though it’s natural to feel the impetus to meet the lady of your desires now, it may take some time. That time can be painful, no one knows that better than I… but have faith that God has a plan for your life as he did for mine.

I am very sorry that you feel unloved. I am hoping deep inside that you find the love you are longing for.

 

[Crescentinus]

Tough to know what to say here. Rejection is a part of life. A painful part of life, but a part of life nevertheless. We experience it socially, in business (or in whatever career you have chosen) and also romantically (if you have that vocation.)

So I would say you deal with one type of rejection the same way you deal with other types. Accept that it is a part of life, understand that having pain associated with this is normal… accept and acknowledge your feelings. Pray. Seek counsel. Acknowledge that the rejection does not necessarily reflect poorly on you, and move on as best you can.

I saw that you said you were 22 years of age. If it helps you to know, I did not meet my wife until I was 25, and wasn’t married until 28. So recognize that you are still quite young, and though it’s natural to feel the impetus to meet the lady of your desires now, it may take some time. That time can be painful, no one knows that better than I… but have faith that God has a plan for your life as he did for mine.

I am very sorry that you feel unloved. I am hoping deep inside that you find the love you are longing for.

Here’s a question.
Have you been rejected in romance so many times that one loses count?
/wrote the thread out of pent-up frustration and pent-up depression

 

[john78]

I have been there n done that , and you are going to get many and varied responses.

The rejection part can be the hardest to deal with as it leads to depression and a feeling of not be worth anything to anyone.

It takes some self anylization ( i dont have spell check so please bare with me ) you need to be aware of yourself , and most importantly confident in yourself that you are good person.

take this into consideration also, would you really want to spend months or years with someone who in the end does not really love you ? Or has a casual approach on the matter of " love/ and possibly sex ".

I would say be greatful that at the very least when you are put in this friend zone, that the person has admitted it to you, and doesnt have a cruel heart and uses you.

And guess what, now that you are in this zone, learn from it, you have an opprotunity to ask this person to be honest with you and to really be your friend, and help you develope your strengths and work on your weaknesses.

You will also need to develop good discerning skills, you do not want to leave yourself open to being used or pushed over. But do not be paranoid either !

And dont beat yourself up in this process, if you are not called to live a life in marrage, it doesnt have to be a bad thing, it means that you have opprotunity to share this love by helping others in so many ways that are greatly needed in this world.

But if you are certain you want to live your life in a wonderful Blessed Marrage and have a family, take your time in your search, ask these people who only want to be your friend to go on a practice date with you , it could be fun, ( just make sure it is a dutch date= you are not paying for everything ! )

Develope relationship skills with these friends, it will lead you to be better able to handle a real loving relationship … and lets say these friends dont even want to help you on a practice date or at all…

then that means they are just not interested in you, it has nothing to do with you being a bad person, or weird, or what ever else you can think of, be thankful that they are not using you.

It means you are open for real friends who want you as a friend, value your friendship and want to see you happy, because you make them happy and you are making their world a better place to be in and they want the same for you.

Dont give up.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Here’s a question.
Have you been rejected in romance so many times that one loses count?

Yep, pretty much.

I had my first girlfriend at the age of 16.

I did not have another girlfriend until the age of 25, the woman who became my wife.

That’s 9 whole years without a girlfriend! And believe me, it wasn’t for lack of trying!

So I know. I also know how you have convinced yourself that it will “never” happen for you. I convinced myself that it would never happen for me

 

[PatriceA]

Here’s a question.
Have you been rejected in romance so many times that one loses count?
/wrote the thread out of pent-up frustration and pent-up depression

If you’ve lost count, maybe its time to take a break from dating or even trying to date for awhile. Work on yourself, concentrate on whatever you’re doing right now, be it a job, school or find a hobby to immerse yourself in for a spell.

Have you ever thought its the type of person you’re trying to date that is the problem? Maybe you constantly set yourself up to be put in the friend-zone because you go after the type of person that is too immature to even handle a healthy relationship, perhaps they are already emotionally unavailable.

I too didn’t meet my husband until much later in life, we didn’t get married until I was 31. My early twenties were romatically disasterous with a capital D. I constantly picked immature prospects or people that didn’t even know how to respect other people let alone date them. I did a lot of soul searching AND I became much more actively involved in my Catholic faith. I no longer was just the Sunday Mass only Catholic girl. I joined many activities for younger people in the Church, not to meet any potential men to date, but to deepen my faith. I started going to a prayer group. And I absolutely took my romatic life frustrations to adoration. I discerned if marriage was my vocation before I tried dating again. Have you discerned that yourself?

You have to discern what God wants for you and trust that His timing is better than yours. If marriage is your vocation, God will lead you to the right person to be with, it only takes ONE person, not a string of rejections to find whom God wants for you to be with.

 

[Crescentinus]

@Veritas: Well, my first “girlfriend” was when I was 17 and my last one (had a total of 9) was when I was 19 going on 20. Rush dating was my attempt to try and solve the fact that I get rejected by women so many times that it’s not even funny.

@John: Really? You’ve been there and done that?
I tried just about everything to have a stable relationship. Sadly, it never happened.
Also, I’ve had times where I got friend-zoned and was being used.

 

[Crescentinus]

If you’ve lost count, maybe its time to take a break from dating or even trying to date for awhile. Work on yourself, concentrate on whatever you’re doing right now, be it a job, school or find a hobby to immerse yourself in for a spell.

Have you ever thought its the type of person you’re trying to date that is the problem? Maybe you constantly set yourself up to be put in the friend-zone because you go after the type of person that is too immature to even handle a healthy relationship, perhaps they are already emotionally unavailable.

I too didn’t meet my husband until much later in life, we didn’t get married until I was 31. My early twenties were romatically disasterous with a capital D. I constantly picked immature prospects or people that didn’t even know how to respect other people let alone date them. I did a lot of soul searching AND I became much more actively involved in my Catholic faith. I no longer was just the Sunday Mass only Catholic girl. I joined many activities for younger people in the Church, not to meet any potential men to date, but to deepen my faith. I started going to a prayer group. And I absolutely took my romatic life frustrations to adoration. I discerned if marriage was my vocation before I tried dating again. Have you discerned that yourself?

You have to discern what God wants for you and trust that His timing is better than yours. If marriage is your vocation, God will lead you to the right person to be with, it only takes ONE person, not a string of rejections to find whom God wants for you to be with.

I’m working on myself and yet I have this problem with being stuck in the friend zone.

The last 9 years of my life are a romantic nightmare worthy enough to have an Asian drama quintilogy made out of along with 3 movies. Yes, it’s THAT bad.

I’ve been trying to discern but I never seem to get any signs. I even prayed for signs but those never seem to come.

 

[PatriceA]

I’m working on myself and yet I have this problem with being stuck in the friend zone.

The last 9 years of my life are a romantic nightmare worthy enough to have an Asian drama quintilogy made out of along with 3 movies. Yes, it’s THAT bad.

I’ve been trying to discern but I never seem to get any signs. I even prayed for signs but those never seem to come.

Perhaps seeking out a spiritual director would help. Its not about “signs”, its about your relationship with God and sometimes he does give people “signs”, but its more of an internal “knowing” than an outward expression.

I also wonder if you are subconsiously projecting an attitude that others pick up on without you even being aware of it. You sound already defeated before you even get started and that will be something others will notice before you even say a word. You could be self sabatoging your efforts.

 

[Crescentinus]

Perhaps seeking out a spiritual director would help. Its not about “signs”, its about your relationship with God and sometimes he does give people “signs”, but its more of an internal “knowing” than an outward expression.

I also wonder if you are subconsiously projecting an attitude that others pick up on without you even being aware of it. You sound already defeated before you even get started and that will be something others will notice before you even say a word. You could be self sabatoging your efforts.

I’ve yet to see a spiritual director. o:

In reality, I do not sound defeated before I even tried it, for I’ve tried various approaches.

 

[Pink_Lemonade]

It sounds like you’d benefit from a break from the dating world. Spend some time just trying to make new friends, and forget the romantic stuff for now. If this is having such a bad effect on your life, you should focus on other things.

If you are always trying and always the one rejected, you should be asking yourself some questions, too. Are you trying so hard that women can see your desperation? Are you going after the wrong type of girl? Are you falling for women too soon, before you even really know them? Are you treating a potential relationship as though it will make everything in your life better? Have you tried online dating? Are you doing anything that might be turning people off? Are you more interested in getting to know a woman or in having a relationship?

These aren’t questions you need to answer here. Just things to think about.

 

[dconklin]

Until I was on my own and living my life, I never had a true girlfriend. I would date, socialize and have a nice time. I had no interest in developing a deep relationship until I was “ready”. I went to college and then graduate school. I knew I was there to learn and that serious girlfriends would challenge that. I suppose I may have been a “heart breaker” once or twice, but I had my priorities set.

It just so happened that within a few months of finishing grad school I met who was to be/is my wife.

 

[shainski]

Do you have close male friends?

From what little you have said, it sounds like you are trying to hard - way too hard. You may be scaring off any potential relationships by being so hung up on the numbers.

If you pursue things that you are interested in, then you are more likely to find others that share those interests (assuming, of course, that you have interests that involve other people - and not just playing video games in the basement by yourself). If some of those others are women, then they may see a side of you that isn’t constantly in pursue mode.

I agree with the the others that suggest that perhaps a break from dating altogether may benefit you. Without the pressure of securing a date, you may be able to enjoy yourself - find self-confidence - and you can be fulfilled with or without someone at your side. When you’ve attained that state, you will be more attractive. I think many people find someone when they aren’t looking for that very reason.

 

[joshvanrad]

You need to stop trying so hard. Desperation does not warrant results. Take a step back, unwind, find God’s true love within your heart, then enter back into the dating world (if that is where you believe you are being called).

You need to be in a very spiritually stable place to have a successful relationship.

Ite in pace,
Joshua C.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Oh dear. I always hated the friend zone. And it happened to me A LOT. I have a lot of masculine interests, video games, sci-fi, fantasy, comic books, football, etc. Most of my friends are guys, but of course every now and then I would find one that I had feelings for. It always hurt when we would go to the sports bar and watch the game, only to have him get the bartender’s number. But, as I got a bit older and guys wanted someone to settle down with suddenly the girl with all of the same interests, hobbies, and passions started looking better than the ditzy waitress or the girly girl who was annoyed by football and star wars. But it was too late, by then I’d found a man who saw me as a catch from the start.

Perhaps you’re the same way? I know its pretty common for the guys girls type to be overlooked as “just a friend”.

Regardless you’re 22. Life hasn’t even started yet. I wouldn’t worry about your decade of failed dating because most of it happened when you were a teen.

 

[shainski]

Oh, you are only 22. BlueEyes is right - 22 is hardly even the beginning for most of us nowadays.

 

[Trebor135]

Ending up in the friend zone all the time is extraordinarily distressing–I can relate all too well.

Once I realized that my efforts were failing miserably and came to see that I had to get my spiritual house in order first, my interest in chasing after girls faded quickly. Being single doesn’t bother me at all now–I’m more content than I ever was during my girl-crazy phase.

As others have suggested, go into retirement from the dating world for the time being. Focus on making yourself the best person you can be. After some time, when you’ve seen some significant personal development through involvement in volunteering and other extra-curricular activities, it will make sense to consider going back into the theatre as an actor ready to make some good money, so to speak.

St. Mary, Most Blessed Theotokos, pray for us all to find, court, and marry others who you would give your stamp of approval.

 

[Crescentinus]

It sounds like you’d benefit from a break from the dating world. Spend some time just trying to make new friends, and forget the romantic stuff for now. If this is having such a bad effect on your life, you should focus on other things.

If you are always trying and always the one rejected, you should be asking yourself some questions, too. Are you trying so hard that women can see your desperation? Are you going after the wrong type of girl? Are you falling for women too soon, before you even really know them? Are you treating a potential relationship as though it will make everything in your life better? Have you tried online dating? Are you doing anything that might be turning people off? Are you more interested in getting to know a woman or in having a relationship?

These aren’t questions you need to answer here. Just things to think about.

I’ve already thought about the questions that you gave before I made this thread.

 

[Crescentinus]

Do you have close male friends?

From what little you have said, it sounds like you are trying to hard - way too hard. You may be scaring off any potential relationships by being so hung up on the numbers.

If you pursue things that you are interested in, then you are more likely to find others that share those interests (assuming, of course, that you have interests that involve other people - and not just playing video games in the basement by yourself). If some of those others are women, then they may see a side of you that isn’t constantly in pursue mode.

I agree with the the others that suggest that perhaps a break from dating altogether may benefit you. Without the pressure of securing a date, you may be able to enjoy yourself - find self-confidence - and you can be fulfilled with or without someone at your side. When you’ve attained that state, you will be more attractive. I think many people find someone when they aren’t looking for that very reason.

I do, but I rarely get to meet them. I’m happy that they’re not perverts. Otherwise, they might ask me if I do perverted stuff.

If I don’t try hard enough, I fail. If I try with the proper amount of effort, I still fail. And yes, both situations have applied in my case.

I have many interests. Sadly, my interests are mostly not popular.

I tried doing that around 2 years ago and nothing fruitful came from it.

 

[Crescentinus]

Oh dear. I always hated the friend zone. And it happened to me A LOT. I have a lot of masculine interests, video games, sci-fi, fantasy, comic books, football, etc. Most of my friends are guys, but of course every now and then I would find one that I had feelings for. It always hurt when we would go to the sports bar and watch the game, only to have him get the bartender’s number. But, as I got a bit older and guys wanted someone to settle down with suddenly the girl with all of the same interests, hobbies, and passions started looking better than the ditzy waitress or the girly girl who was annoyed by football and star wars. But it was too late, by then I’d found a man who saw me as a catch from the start.

Perhaps you’re the same way? I know its pretty common for the guys girls type to be overlooked as “just a friend”.

Regardless you’re 22. Life hasn’t even started yet. I wouldn’t worry about your decade of failed dating because most of it happened when you were a teen.

I’m the same way, except that I don’t have feminine interests.

I started dating when I was 13. The disappointments were more than enough for me to contemplate and try suicide.