In the friend zone

[itullian]

the oooold “let’s be friends trick”.

it ain’t happenin’ man. once that’s said say :sad_bye:

it’s over. :bighanky:

move on to the next adventure.

 

[chevalier]

What is this “friend zone”, you may ask? It’s being rejected by one’s love interest. After that, they become friends. And yes, it’s soul-crushing.
I’m a guy who has experienced being friend-zoned for so long that it has become a cliche of sorts, and not a funny one.
So, I have a few questions.

1. How on earth does one live through the soul-crushing experience where your romantic advances get spurned with the words “Let’s just be friends”?
2. How does one get past the depression caused by it?
3. Why is it that none love me, for who I am? (Irrelevant question on the outside, relevant question in context to the discussion.)

You just live. And I’m saying this as someone who knows the entire LJBF diatribe by heart. I almost recited it from memory for the last woman who gave it to me. Sun still goes up, food still has taste, friends are still there. Pretty much everything is still there. On the other hand if you suffer a real psychic trauma from a bad break-up, which can happen, you need to talk to a professional counsellor, especially if it mounts up. Don’t underestimate the effect it can have on you and the quality of your life.

Also, how about a thought or two from Saint Francis?

Also, what’s a DH?

‘Dear Husband’.

 

[Crescentinus]

You just live. And I’m saying this as someone who knows the entire LJBF diatribe by heart. I almost recited it from memory for the last woman who gave it to me. Sun still goes up, food still has taste, friends are still there. Pretty much everything is still there. On the other hand if you suffer a real psychic trauma from a bad break-up, which can happen, you need to talk to a professional counsellor, especially if it mounts up. Don’t underestimate the effect it can have on you and the quality of your life.

Also, how about a thought or two from Saint Francis?

‘Dear Husband’.

I somewhat don’t get it. o:

Not sure if I can live like a Franciscan. o:

 

[chevalier]

I somewhat don’t get it. o:

Not sure if I can live like a Franciscan. o:

Sorry, I should’ve been more specific. I’ve recently been looking at the Prayer of Saint Francis. It has some lines that get me thinking. Particularly those about thinking of other people instead of ourselves (seeking to love rather than be loved, understand rather than be understood etc.). At the same time, Saint Francis was a very positive person, with a lot of joy in him. I like that and even though I couldn’t accept the Franciscan view as my own to the point of joining the Third Order or something like that, I think I can still find spiritual benefit in it. Maybe so could you?

Incidentally, men tend to be defined by the contribution they make to the society. It’s natural for us to desire to be respected, admired etc. — not like a narcissistic person but as in we’d like to be deserving of it — and then the best way to start feeling like that is to become deserving of it, in our own eyes, in the eyes of others, obviously the eyes of God being the most important here. It’s like finish education, get a job, man up, do army service if required and able (I was neither, myself). A man also makes things happen, so if something’s distressing him, he just needs to set out to fix it and fight his battles, work and fight for the things he wants, whether it’s a degree or a 20’’ bicep. (As in, if we’re feeling bad about something, we go out and fix the cause rather than focusing on te feeling.) One thing he can’t do is sit on his rear end waiting as life flies past him (because he won’t become any younger in the future). I think we have this natural instinct to go out and make a difference, regardless what feminazis think about it. Unused energy causes a lot of frustration, we need to unload it somewhere. Preferably something we won’t be jailed for.

So no time to think about romantic misfortunes, women that didn’t want us or were mean to us. Better spend that time doing our job, whatever our job is (from cleaning the streets to running the country). And if you do it, don’t do it for women, do it for God, for yourself, maybe for your family and friends, for other people, even for your future wife (and kids). Heck, even if you won’t actually have married (which may well happen), you’ll at least have had an interesting, fulfilling, productive life! (And a man’s life can’t really be fulfilling without being productive.)

 

[Crescentinus]

Sorry, I should’ve been more specific. I’ve recently been looking at the Prayer of Saint Francis. It has some lines that get me thinking. Particularly those about thinking of other people instead of ourselves (seeking to love rather than be loved, understand rather than be understood etc.). At the same time, Saint Francis was a very positive person, with a lot of joy in him. I like that and even though I couldn’t accept the Franciscan view as my own to the point of joining the Third Order or something like that, I think I can still find spiritual benefit in it. Maybe so could you?

Incidentally, men tend to be defined by the contribution they make to the society. It’s natural for us to desire to be respected, admired etc. — not like a narcissistic person but as in we’d like to be deserving of it — and then the best way to start feeling like that is to become deserving of it, in our own eyes, in the eyes of others, obviously the eyes of God being the most important here. It’s like finish education, get a job, man up, do army service if required and able (I was neither, myself). A man also makes things happen, so if something’s distressing him, he just needs to set out to fix it and fight his battles, work and fight for the things he wants, whether it’s a degree or a 20’’ bicep. (As in, if we’re feeling bad about something, we go out and fix the cause rather than focusing on te feeling.) One thing he can’t do is sit on his rear end waiting as life flies past him (because he won’t become any younger in the future). I think we have this natural instinct to go out and make a difference, regardless what feminazis think about it. Unused energy causes a lot of frustration, we need to unload it somewhere. Preferably something we won’t be jailed for.

So no time to think about romantic misfortunes, women that didn’t want us or were mean to us. Better spend that time doing our job, whatever our job is (from cleaning the streets to running the country). And if you do it, don’t do it for women, do it for God, for yourself, maybe for your family and friends, for other people, even for your future wife (and kids). Heck, even if you won’t actually have married (which may well happen), you’ll at least have had an interesting, fulfilling, productive life! (And a man’s life can’t really be fulfilling without being productive.)

Well, I can see the spiritual benefit of it and all. o:

That’s true, and femifascists hated that. Should I do good productive things to spite them?

I do not even have a job. I am still a student. A very frustrated one at that.
Also, I prefer to get married. /runs

 

[chevalier]

Well, I can see the spiritual benefit of it and all. o:

Yeah.

That’s true, and femifascists hated that. Should I do good productive things to spite them?

1. Don’t run.
2. Everything in its due course. Student relationships are fickle and students, including the girls, change personalities and outlooks under the influence of their school, college or university experience. What doesn’t change is the knowledge and experience that you gain from giving yourself to your studies, spending evenings at the library, publishing papers, participating in research projects if you’re allowed etc. Girls can wait, especially if you don’t have anybody particular in sight.

 

[Crescentinus]

Lol. As much as I’m inclined to act on that motivation myself, it’s not a good one. And it costs me very much to say so because I’d like to spite them too. Let’s just say, well, you use what male power you have to show them the error of their ways and bring them to light. And they’ll thank you for it.

Talk to me. As a law grad, I was a very jobless person in a three-piece suit with silver cufflinks and needing to cast an impression of confidence and success. I worked for less than most physical workers. In the end, I also wished I had worked as a student but I hadn’t wanted to play gopher back then. My bad, I guess. Or maybe not. It’s hard to say, nor is it really relevant right now. I’d say you need to focus on your studies the first thing and then if you really have some spare time (even including extracurriculars), you might think about finding some kind of work (preferably in your field, even if it’s an entry-level job) or joining an initiative. But it’s a very sensible thing to do to focus on getting the most out of your studies as opposed to insisting on having a typical student job, as long as you don’t absolutely need that job. Besides, everything in its due course. You are studying now so that you can do an advanced job when you’re done. It’s understandable that right now you’re studying. And don’t be impatient.

1. Don’t run.
2. Everything in its due course. Student relationships are fickle and students, including the girls, change personalities and outlooks under the influence of their school, college or university experience. What doesn’t change is the knowledge and experience that you gain from giving yourself to your studies, spending evenings at the library, publishing papers, participating in research projects if you’re allowed etc. Girls can wait, especially if you don’t have anybody particular in sight.

Is a sword needed?

What do you mean by joining an initiative? o:
I’m frustrated because I’m single and no woman in their right (or wrong) mind would try and want me.
As for jobs, I have already found a few that could take a guy like yours truly.

Girls can wait!? I’m tired of waiting for “Ms. Perfect Wife” to show up. If she exists, then why the heck does she not show up already!?

 

[chevalier]

Is a sword needed?

No. Maturity is, however. Maturity, courage, resourcefulness.

What do you mean by joining an initiative? o:

Because you’re a guy, you’re not supposed to sit in a tower waiting to be saved by a woman riding there in shining armour to pull you out! You’ve got to go out, explore some, conquer some, which are natural urges in a man, they’re supposed to give us energy to do whatever we need to do. At least in human terms. In more Christian terms, I guess it’d be making yourself useful to God and to people, doing whatever your vocation is and trusting God about it. At any rate, you can’t wait passively, it’s up to you to do the searching. On the other hand she may well pop up when you’re occupied with important things, e.g. ones that benefit the society as a whole (which any work does, especially when performed with dedication).

 

[Crescentinus]

No. Maturity is, however. Maturity, courage, resourcefulness.

Signing up with a group that promotes something Catholic, e.g. pro-life.

You don’t know that. And if you keep regarding yourself as miserable, you’ll just be making yourself miserable and a woman won’t like that. But that won’t be your biggest problem then because you’ll have made your life miserable all-round. You might even actually find a woman but then doubt her dedication to you because you’ll feel like you don’t deserve her so maybe she isn’t really committed to you? This is how people end up behaving if they go down that route, so don’t. Instead try to make the best of your life. Trust me, it’s worth it! Even if you’re single and it sucks.

Sounds good!

Because you’re a guy, you’re not supposed to sit in a tower waiting to be saved by a woman riding there in shining armour to pull you out! You’ve got to go out, explore some, conquer some, which are natural urges in a man, they’re supposed to give us energy to do whatever we need to do. At least in human terms. In more Christian terms, I guess it’d be making yourself useful to God and to people, doing whatever your vocation is and trusting God about it. At any rate, you can’t wait passively, it’s up to you to do the searching. On the other hand she may well pop up when you’re occupied with important things, e.g. ones that benefit the society as a whole (which any work does, especially when performed with dedication).

No weapons!? Noooooooo!

Looking for one is not very easy either. o:

Thanks. :

I’m happy that I looked. :

I have had plenty of disappointments in finding that woman. D:
Now, if I decide to fight again, then I should be able to fight with various weapons and not just some abstractions.

 

[SgtSchultz]

To the OP: I’ve been there too, bro. Strangely though, several of the girls that “friend zoned” me are now actually good friends. Looking back, I realise that I wasn’t even in a position to enter into a real relationship with anybody at the time, let alone with them. I was in a point in my life when I couldn’t make any long-term commitments. Since this is a Catholic site, the commitment aspect is very important. If you want the kind of “relationships” that most people have these days, in which the sexual trumps, and even pre-empts, the friendship aspect, then it would indeed “stink to be in your situation”. But given that the Catholic position is a lifelong commitment, you must view your situation in a different light.

Do you want to be like the guys on Jersey Shore who “pick-up girls”? Or do you want to meet someone who will be the mother of your children and stay with you until death? The latter takes time, and these days many women don’t want to get married so early. You’ve got plenty of time. Finish school, if you’re in it, get a job, and get financially secure. Her dad won’t have to worry about how you’re going to support his daughter that way. Most women are approaching life with the same plan.

Also, when you’re a bit older, you’ll be able to have a girlfriend that’s a few years younger, yet is exponentially more mature than someone with the same age difference now.

Good luck!

 

[Crescentinus]

To the OP: I’ve been there too, bro. Strangely though, several of the girls that “friend zoned” me are now actually good friends. Looking back, I realise that I wasn’t even in a position to enter into a real relationship with anybody at the time, let alone with them. I was in a point in my life when I couldn’t make any long-term commitments. Since this is a Catholic site, the commitment aspect is very important. If you want the kind of “relationships” that most people have these days, in which the sexual trumps, and even pre-empts, the friendship aspect, then it would indeed “stink to be in your situation”. But given that the Catholic position is a lifelong commitment, you must view your situation in a different light.

Do you want to be like the guys on Jersey Shore who “pick-up girls”? Or do you want to meet someone who will be the mother of your children and stay with you until death? The latter takes time, and these days many women don’t want to get married so early. You’ve got plenty of time. Finish school, if you’re in it, get a job, and get financially secure. Her dad won’t have to worry about how you’re going to support his daughter that way. Most women are approaching life with the same plan.

Also, when you’re a bit older, you’ll be able to have a girlfriend that’s a few years younger, yet is exponentially more mature than someone with the same age difference now.

Good luck!

I never really planned to be in relationships which involved pre-marital sex.

I really object to the idea that I should be like one of those “Jersey Shore” kind of guys. Why? As you said, there is no commitment.

I sincerely hope that I don’t run into any cougars.

 

[SgtSchultz]

I never really planned to be in relationships which involved pre-marital sex.

I really object to the idea that I should be like one of those “Jersey Shore” kind of guys. Why? As you said, there is no commitment.

I sincerely hope that I don’t run into any cougars.

I’m so sorry you took my response with the view that I thought you were into fornication or being like Jersey Shore guys. The thought had never crossed my mind. I was merely being rhetorical. I was only trying to say that the way culture has programmed us men to think is that it’s easy to find women who will like us. This is only true for people in the “pick-up” culture (although obviously not everyone who wishes to do this will succeed. I have a feeling that, in reality, only a small percentage actually do this or even want to. They feel it’s expected and normal.)

So I was trying to say that real quality relationships take time to develop and that you’re still young! I would never accuse anyone of being a Jersey Shore type!

As for your worry about older women, when you’re older you’ll have a greater pool of marriage-aged younger women. As it stands now, at 22 the availability of potential partners, from a numbers perspective, is higher older women than it is with younger women. As you age that balance will shift.

I’m 30, and feel that 26 is a good age, but I could theoretically go for a very mature, has her life together 22 without being completely out of line. For you, you can’t really go below 20, as everyone else is still in secondary school, if not technically then mentally.

 

[Crescentinus]

I’m so sorry you took my response with the view that I thought you were into fornication or being like Jersey Shore guys. The thought had never crossed my mind. I was merely being rhetorical. I was only trying to say that the way culture has programmed us men to think is that it’s easy to find women who will like us. This is only true for people in the “pick-up” culture (although obviously not everyone who wishes to do this will succeed. I have a feeling that, in reality, only a small percentage actually do this or even want to. They feel it’s expected and normal.)

So I was trying to say that real quality relationships take time to develop and that you’re still young! I would never accuse anyone of being a Jersey Shore type!

As for your worry about older women, when you’re older you’ll have a greater pool of marriage-aged younger women. As it stands now, at 22 the availability of potential partners, from a numbers perspective, is higher older women than it is with younger women. As you age that balance will shift.

I’m 30, and feel that 26 is a good age, but I could theoretically go for a very mature, has her life together 22 without being completely out of line. For you, you can’t really go below 20, as everyone else is still in secondary school, if not technically then mentally.

It’s not that. It’s just that, picking up random women these days is fast becoming a trend among young men here in Manila. D: I am disgusted at that trend.

Here in Manila, if you’re 20, you are typically either in college or you had just finished college. Hence, seeing people around my age getting jobs and marrying is normal.

 

[SgtSchultz]

It’s not that. It’s just that, picking up random women these days is fast becoming a trend among young men here in Manila. D: I am disgusted at that trend.

This has been a trend for some time all over the world my friend.

Here in Manila, if you’re 20, you are typically either in college or you had just finished college. Hence, seeing people around my age getting jobs and marrying is normal.

Hmm… I didn’t know that. I guess that puts a different perspective on the situation. Is it not true, though, that it’s normal for men to marry younger women? I know this is the case in Japan, Korea, and China. We men have a much larger time frame to work with even in those cultures. Think of how much harder it will be for women! In Korea, if a woman isn’t married by around, she’s considered “day old Christmas cake”. It’s sad that people think that, but there are many Korean women I know that are 27 or older, and I’d happily date them. I can only assume the same thing happens in the Philippines.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you have at least one advantage.

 

[Crescentinus]

This has been a trend for some time all over the world my friend.
Hmm… I didn’t know that. I guess that puts a different perspective on the situation. Is it not true, though, that it’s normal for men to marry younger women? I know this is the case in Japan, Korea, and China. We men have a much larger time frame to work with even in those cultures. Think of how much harder it will be for women! In Korea, if a woman isn’t married by around, she’s considered “day old Christmas cake”. It’s sad that people think that, but there are many Korean women I know that are 27 or older, and I’d happily date them. I can only assume the same thing happens in the Philippines.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you have at least one advantage.

Indeed. I am disgusted that the trend had spread even here in the Far East.

Yes, it is normal even here in the Philippines. However, age gaps of a few years either way is not unheard of and are not looked down upon. It is also normal for couples to have the same age here in the Philippines. In the case of cougars, dating one is frowned at.

 

[LouiseHine]

What is this “friend zone”, you may ask? It’s being rejected by one’s love interest. After that, they become friends. And yes, it’s soul-crushing.
I’m a guy who has experienced being friend-zoned for so long that it has become a cliche of sorts, and not a funny one.
So, I have a few questions.

1. How on earth does one live through the soul-crushing experience where your romantic advances get spurned with the words “Let’s just be friends”?
2. How does one get past the depression caused by it?
3. Why is it that none love me, for who I am? (Irrelevant question on the outside, relevant question in context to the discussion.)

If you find out the answers to any … ANY … of these questions, please let me know.

 

[EasterJoy]

If you find out the answers to any … ANY … of these questions, please let me know.

The thread was started in early 2012…maybe time to start a new one.

 

[LouiseHine]

It’s ok … I’m not sure even if I knew the answers it would help me any lol

 

[Luvz2travel]

@Veritas: Well, my first “girlfriend” was when I was 17 and my last one (had a total of 9) was when I was 19 going on 20. Rush dating was my attempt to try and solve the fact that I get rejected by women so many times that it’s not even funny.

@John: Really? You’ve been there and done that?
I tried just about everything to have a stable relationship. Sadly, it never happened.
Also, I’ve had times where I got friend-zoned and was being used.

Not alone there it’s the story of my life if I really like a guy he’s not interested and if I’m not interested they won’t leave me alone. I only seem to attract users so I pretty much stopped dating because it was more probablematic than it was worth. I am dating someone now but it’s far to early to tell he seems ok but then so did the last one and a few months in he showed his true colors as a manipulitvie user controller type. I believe in giving people a chance though and have to belive that somewhere out there is a guy who might be nice. This isn’t meant to be male bashing this is just my experience and I do have many guys who are great friends but let me know I was thoroughly friend zoned.

 

[joshvanrad]

The friendzone isn’t so bad. And contrary to popular belief, friends can sometimes grow into relationships.