Inappropriate behavior of teenaged sister-in-law

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birdsall1153

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I hope this is the correct place to post this. I’m looking for advice and insight into an ongoing issue regarding my 15 year old sister in law. My husband and I have been married for 10 years and we have 3 children, ages 8,6, and 2. My husband’s family lives across the road from us: his parents and younger sister. My children go to their house once a week for dinner. Sometimes they go more often if my mother in law is watching them for me. I have known my husband and his family since I was 14. I’ve known from the beginning that my mother in law is very controlling. She also has some strong fears about her kids leaving home and not needing her anymore. I consider these things aggravating but she has some wonderful qualities as well.
My sister in law, over the past year, has become increasingly flirtatious with my husband, her brother. My husband and I were seniors in high school when she was born, so they didn’t grow up together. The things she does include walking around in her underwear (sometimes a thong!), rubbing herself against my husband, pinching him, hanging off of him, and pointing out whether or not she’s wearing a bra and if her nipples are hard. (I’m not kidding.) I believe she wants him to look at her body. She also walks around her house without pants on when my kids are visiting and talks about sexual things in front of them. My father in law is an old hippie stoner who really doesn’t pay attention and has never once, as far as I can remember, told her no or had any meaningful discussions with her. My mother in law likes to brag that she taught my sister in law to be free with her body and comfortable when she’s home. She encourages the behavior as far as I can tell. My husband is horrified. He has repeatedly told his sister to knock it off. I’d like him to speak privately with my mother in law, but I know that would lead to a huge fight. She’s the kind of person who cannot take criticism or have a calm discussion about things. I cannot tolerate this any longer, though. I can hardly bring myself to say it, but could she have incestuous feelings for my husband? Or is this about practicing with a male she feels safe with? Or about control? Or maybe she is doing it to hurt me? I would truly be grateful for any insight or advice. I’m really upset about this. I don’t want my children exposed to this behavior.
 
I think it is more likely that there has been some sort of abuse or exploitation of this young woman.

As the queen of “forgive people”, for me to say that I would NOT send my children to that house alone is a big thing, but, find another babysitter. Your sister in law needs professional help.
 
I would probably call CPS, and I don’t say that lightly. This is a teenage girl who believes that the way to win love and approval from men, even blood relatives, is through sex. It’s likely she believes this because someone has been explicitly teaching it for years. I’d probably look first to the parents who encourage her to wear next to nothing and to rub up against people sexually.

I know you’re horrified because he’s your husband, but this isn’t a threat to your marriage. This young woman has probably been a repeated victim of something awful, and she needs help.
 
You’re right. I will certainly not be allowing my children there anymore. I do have a trusted sitter outside of the family. My mother in law is just always offering to help.
 
It sounds as though she’s experienced some sort of abuse. Inappropirate sexual behavior and over sexualization are signs. I would speak to authorities and ask them what to do.
 
“No” is a complete sentence. “We’ve got it covered, thank you. [Change of subject]” That’s all you need to say.
 
In response to my mother in law offering to babysit? Yes, I will do that.
 
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birdsall1153 said:
My husband’s family lives across the road from us
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Time to move. I’m serious.
birdsall1153 said:
The things she does include walking around in her underwear (sometimes a thong!), rubbing herself against my husband, pinching him, hanging off of him, and pointing out whether or not she’s wearing a bra and if her nipples are hard. (I’m not kidding.)
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She needs a psychological evaluation.
birdsall1153 said:
My father in law is an old hippie stoner who really doesn’t pay attention and has never once, as far as I can remember, told her no or had any meaningful discussions with her. My mother in law likes to brag that she taught my sister in law to be free with her body and comfortable when she’s home. She encourages the behavior as far as I can tell.
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Then you need to tell them your children will no longer be visiting unsupervised and if this continues not at all.
 
I am considering the possibility that we should move. Her behavior is way outside of normal…
 
Does her father know about this? Doesn’t he say anything? If not, it’s highly inappropriate, and a red flag. Does she go anywhere alone with him…or any adult friends/relatives? You should tell your mil. This is not normal behavior for a 15-year-old. You should definitely call child protective services! Even if she’s not being abused, she is growing up with a very warped idea of sexuality:!
 
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Both my father in law and mother in law are aware of this. My mother in law encourages the behavior. My father in law has not, to my knowledge, seen how she behaves towards my husband, though. He does know that she walks around in her underwear at home because she does it in front of him. He also knows how she dresses. Yesterday (mother’s day!) we were gathered at my husband’s grandparent’s house, and she wore a black dress, with no bra. It was backless, had cut out pieces on her stomach, and you could nearly see her entire chest. At one point, she intentionally pulled up the back of her dress and tucked it into her underwear, leaving her backside exposed. She said this was because she was tripping on the dress. We left after that happened. My father in law would probably never say anything to her or my mother in law anyway. He’s really very disconnected because of his marijuana use. There are some serious issues within my in-laws family. I’ve spoken to my husband this afternoon about this, and he is going to talk to his mother. If she won’t put a stop to the behavior while our kids are around, then they won’t see them anymore. And, of course, my husband won’t see his sister anymore until she behaves appropriately.
 
What in the heck!? I don’t even know what to say! There’s no way on God’s green earth I would take my kids over there. If they don’t want to deal with it, then that’s their prerogative. I sure wouldn’t be exposing my kids to it! And if you husband has told her he doesn’t like her rubbing herself on him and she still does it, then he shouldn’t be around her either. They live across the street? Then they can come over for dinner at your house, on your terms. That being said, your husband is probably concerned for the well-being of his little sister. I’m usually the last person to say this, but I think hotlining this may be in order. I would not let the parents into my home as long as they were doing this to their daughter. And alone with my own kids? Heck no!
 
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I’m sure your husband is concerned for his sister. It sounds like she may be trying to reach out to him in her own way. Has he tried reaching out to her to see if everything is okay? If there is something there, it sounds like she’s having a hard time dealing with it, whatever it may be.
 
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birdsall1153 said:
myself
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If I had to guess, and without knowing the parties involved, I would say she is doing it for the shock value. Especially if her dad doesn’t seem bothered by it one way or another and mom doesn’t have a problem with it either.

If I were in your situation, I would sit her down with me and my husband and let her know what was going to happen. I would very graphically tell her what is and isn’t allowed around your family, and let her know what the consequences are going to be. The consequences will be you won’t be spending any time whatsoever at their house as long as the behavior continues. Then follow-through. After you have that conversation, you sit your MIL and FIL down (together with husband) and the two of you let them know what you have done, and that you mean it.

You can’t control what happens under their roof, so don’t go there if it is objectionable behavior.

ETA: I don’t disagree with the other posters that it may be this child has been sexually abused or exploited in one way or another. However, it also may just be that she is looking for attention. Sometimes kids who are immature see something that gets another person attention, and then the wires get crossed when they try to execute the same behavior. So, for example, if she is at school she may see other girls behaving this way in front of their male peers and it is paying off in that they receive attention. If your SIL is craving attention becasue of a defecit at home, she may be getting the wires crossed and thinking her behavior is appropriate. Does she have any emotional develoment issues (documented) that you know of?
 
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To be honest, I would just prevent my kids from spending time there, big fight or no.

If it was possible, maybe consider moving slightly farther away. Across the street is a bit too close for in-laws IMHO. I mean, I love my own family, but no way would I move to across the street from them. It’s nice to be close…but a 20 minute car ride is close enough for me.

I agree with the poster that said there could possibly be abuse in this girl’s past. That is not normal behaviour for a young lady at all. Maybe you could try to build a relationship with her and get her to open up to you. Though I’d lay out some boundaries for behaviour in your own home.
 
QwertyGirl said:
I don’t disagree with the other posters that it may be this child has been sexually abused or exploited in one way or another. However, it also may just be that she is looking for attention
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Yeah, especially if her own father was very disinterested in her or doesn’t pay her enough attention.
 
I have a friend who came from a highly disfunctional family. His youngest sister behaves similarly to this girl. In my opinion, there’s mental illness involved.
 
I knew a girl when I was a teenager who literally had sex with as many men as she could. Usually a lot older. She’d always have new handbags worth $$$ and other stuff, bought by her “sugar daddies”.

Turns out her dad abandoned her and mom when she was a child.

Sad really.
 
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