Inappropriate Family and Friends

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NightFisher

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I am curious, how do you deal with friends and family that are often inappropriate? I have family members and very good friends (and general interactions with other people) that are sometimes (or often) inappropriate in various ways. Some might tell dirty or racial jokes (they aren’t sexist or racist), others might talk about something they did that was wrong, others might talk about sexual exploits, etc. If it was a few years ago, I probably would have just laughed or even joined in on conversations, but now I have a different understanding and faith. Most of the time now I just look at them with an odd expression and try to change the subject. The problem is that sometimes my mind starts to go back to how it was before and I have to actively stop it. I know that I could just ask some of my friends to not talk about these things, but other friends or family members might take this as an insult to them or their faith, which could create negative feelings with them and ruin a relationship. Does anyone have any advice?
 
It depends on the person, our relationship with them, how bad what they say is and whether kids are involved. With some I’ve told them I don’t care to hear about those things. Others, I’ve had to pretty sternly tell not to talk about those things since kids are around. Some are bad enough that we no longer take our kids around them. Some have crossed the line to the point that we’ve written them off entirely.
 
So many variables in how I would handle it–depending on who you are with, where, etc. I agree if kids are around, I would definitely say “oh my, not in front of the kids!” and if they didn’t stop, would remove myself and my kids.

If a joke is a bad one, don’t laugh, maybe just a shake of your head. Sometimes you can just change the subject and most will “get it” and go along with that. Sometimes you might have to physically get up and move away and start talking to someone else.

If it is a 1-on-1 conversation with someone, I would change the subject…if the person kept coming back to the inappropriate stuff I’d make an excuse and leave.

I don’t think coming across as preaching to them is going to be very effective…a kind and quiet response that shows you aren’t interested in inappropriate conversation will have more of an impact, I would think.
 
Ah. Great thread. Dealing with this myself. My in-laws moved down and as they grow more comfortable they say more and more things around us, including the kids. I pick my battles. Hubby just lets them have it; he’s been in the South for a while (they’re from New York) so this coarse language and racist talk assaults his ears. He’s the bad guy for me. :knight1:

I look forward to reading everyone’s answers! 👍
 
Every family has them. On the bright side, it’s not you… or is it???

 
At every family gathering (no matter what & where it is), 2 of my brother-in-laws always make sexual jokes about objectifying women, even though their wives are sitting near them, & on occasion I sit near them to try to find something in common to talk about.

In my case, I’d rather pray for them to put God at the center of their lives & rid the distractions than be upfront with them…they intimidate me & can quickly be verbally abusive. Since I’m younger than them, when I do speak my mind, to them it goes one ear & out the other. I will also pray for myself to have the courage to one day stand up to them…it’s so uncomfortable to clearly see what’s on their minds. It makes me wonder what my sister’s saw in them that they fell in love with.
^I pray daily for my brother-in-laws that they find God- for there is no greater adventure, seek God- for there is no greater achievement, & learn to love God- for there is no greater romance. If anyone could pray for them, that would be helpful.

To all those who know people that can be inappropriate with their words & actions, know that you’re not alone & that I will also pray for your family, friend, etc. experiences.
 
Dacinom said:
When and where this is happening and who is doing it and under what circumstances have much bearing:
  • If it is one-on-one gently change the subject
  • If it is in a crowd I would excuse myself and leave the room
  • If you know the person well you can always confide in them and tell them you are uncomfortable
  • If you do not know the person well you should probably just ignore the behavior and walk away
  • If your children are present, it would be appropriate to politely ask not to say such things in front of children
  • If this behavior is taking place in YOUR home you have more authority to (kindly) ask for it to stop
  • If this behavior is taking place in someone else’s home I would just walk away or try and ignore as best I could
It will become clear to others that you are not laughing at the jokes. If you sit there with a polite look on your face but are not laughing that still sends a message. This happens to me all the time, not always with sexual jokes either but sometimes people joke about the Pope or priests and I don’t find those funny either. Hope this helps a little, God bless you.
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I honestly want to print this and put this on my fridge! 👍
 
I think everything suggested here is solid.

As a person who has been witness to (and party to at time unfortunately) the best thing we can do is be a witness to our faith by showing it through action.

Keep fightin’ the good fight.
 
Thanks everyone, I agree, most of the advice is pretty good. I have not had any troubles recently. There might have been some difference of opinions, but nothing that negatively affected the relationship between myself and one of my family members.

Now let me change the situation a little bit. I am about to be unemployed (end of an academic [ish] contract) and am desperately seeking employment. I recently had an “interview.” Instead of an actual interview, I went and worked for an employer for a day. It is a small (2-3 person) crew that is normally pretty isolated from the public. And the work is not terrible and the pay is decent, and I don’t have a large number of other prospects at the moment. But I tell you… I have never been around more profane and inappropriate comments and behavior in my life. They covered the whole spectrum. I was mostly quiet and just did my work, which I think put the employer off, but I must have done good work because he asked me to come back. What would you do in this kind of situation? How do you deal with this? I mostly just had a funny look on my face whenever they looked at me and were expecting laughter, etc… which again, I think caused some… ill feelings. If I had many other options, I would just avoid the situation altogether, but I’m not sure I have a choice at the moment. Any advice?
 
NightFisher said:
I am curious, how do you deal with friends and family that are often inappropriate? I have family members and very good friends (and general interactions with other people) that are sometimes (or often) inappropriate in various ways. Some might tell dirty or racial jokes (they aren’t sexist or racist), others might talk about something they did that was wrong, others might talk about sexual exploits, etc. If it was a few years ago, I probably would have just laughed or even joined in on conversations, but now I have a different understanding and faith. Most of the time now I just look at them with an odd expression and try to change the subject. The problem is that sometimes my mind starts to go back to how it was before and I have to actively stop it. I know that I could just ask some of my friends to not talk about these things, but other friends or family members might take this as an insult to them or their faith, which could create negative feelings with them and ruin a relationship. Does anyone have any advice?
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I don’t think that you can attempt to be a moral monitor. But stand for your own values. No one ever told me that following Christ would be easy… Hang in groups that share your values when possible.
 
NightFisher said:
Thanks everyone, I agree, most of the advice is pretty good. I have not had any troubles recently. There might have been some difference of opinions, but nothing that negatively affected the relationship between myself and one of my family members.

Now let me change the situation a little bit. I am about to be unemployed (end of an academic [ish] contract) and am desperately seeking employment. I recently had an “interview.” Instead of an actual interview, I went and worked for an employer for a day. It is a small (2-3 person) crew that is normally pretty isolated from the public. And the work is not terrible and the pay is decent, and I don’t have a large number of other prospects at the moment. But I tell you… I have never been around more profane and inappropriate comments and behavior in my life. They covered the whole spectrum. I was mostly quiet and just did my work, which I think put the employer off, but I must have done good work because he asked me to come back. What would you do in this kind of situation? How do you deal with this? I mostly just had a funny look on my face whenever they looked at me and were expecting laughter, etc… which again, I think caused some… ill feelings. If I had many other options, I would just avoid the situation altogether, but I’m not sure I have a choice at the moment. Any advice?
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I used to work in an environment with a lot of the same type of people. When conversation got uncomfortable for me I would leave the situation if possible, if not I would just not participate. Fortunately for me I worked for a government agency and telling a co-worker their behavior was inappropriate was not difficult to do. It would be nice if all empoyers could be like this.
 
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