Incident at Mass recently - how to handle if it happens again

[PietroPaolo]

Give him a break, he’s mentally challenged what do you expect from him? Remember, “as you do to the least of these my brethren you do unto me” Being hostile to this young man is being hostile to Christ, whom you are about to receive in the Holy Sacrament. Don’t eat unto condemnation, but smile at this man and eat unto life.

God bless.

 

[10gr8kids]

It is not a problem for me more of a dilemma. I do not mind sharing a sign of peace at the appropriate time with him & others but I prefer the silent reflection time in line then in my seat during Communion. There are other children in my parish that have Downs that remain seated at Communion quietly unless they receive. Another young lady who has Downs like the young man receives Communion very reverently, sits quietly most of the time during Mass, and does not reach out for others the way he did to me and others in the line.

I understand wanting to stay focused on Jesus in the Eucharist when in line to recieve Him. I see many adults when in line shaking hands and don’t believe it’s appropriate. However, we have to remember to also see Jesus in others, especially a young child with disabilities. Remember when Jesus rebuked His disciples for hindering the young children from coming to Him. They were just trying to keep them from disturbing Him, but that is not how Jesus viewed them.

 

[captainrick]

That sums it up. Being kind to the boy is far more important than your personal comfort zone, your prayers, and your definition of “appropriate.”

 

[ServusHumilis]

 

[Blue_Goose]

MissRose73 asked a question and a lot of people here are beating her up about her ‘attitude’. The situation MissRose73 describes obviously bothers her and I can understand why. Many people (myself included) do not like to be touched or grabbed by other human beings, no matter what the situation.

MissRose73 - You have a couple of options. 1. You might consider attending Mass at another time (e.g. Saturday vigil Mass, early morning Mass). 2. Sit in another section of the church were you are in a communion line that does not pass by the section the young man is sitting in, or just join a communion line that does not pass by him.

I recommend that you not address the issue with the mother or anyone else in the church. You risk the chance of being criticized as mean spirited although you have every right to expect to be left alone to worship in your own manner in your own comfort zone.

Before anyone out there takes me to task be aware that I have a 40+ year old niece whose emotional age is between 10 and 12. I know all about the hardships involved in raising and nurturing a family member that has both physical and mental health limitations. Yes, many such people are very loving, but they can also be very obnoxious at the most inappropriate time. Please show some charity and cut MissRose73 some slack.

 

[TRH1292]

What do you think Pope Francis would do in that situation? Just shake the kids hand.

 

[maryjk]

Before anyone out there takes me to task be aware that I have a 40+ year old niece whose emotional age is between 10 and 12. I know all about the hardships involved in raising and nurturing a family member that has both physical and mental health limitations. Yes, many such people are very loving, but they can also be very obnoxious at the most inappropriate time. Please show some charity and cut MissRose73 some slack.

That would make sense if this was a one time event. But it isn’t.

It sounds to me like MissRose needs to find an adults only Mass.

Heck, just a few months ago, she was upset because an entire family attended Mass. Her opinion was that children shouldn’t attend unless they know how to be quiet.

Behind me where I was seated with my parents were about 3 or 4 kids all between age 3 to 7. They kept getting up, running around, talking loud at times, making noises etc and there were 2 adults with them. I turned around several times and placed my finger against my mouth as a signal for them to be quiet. I know I should have not done so but I wanted to hear the service/ceremony as I was also doing non flash photography in the front row of the balcony to capture my aunt’s important day (as her husband was in the choir and could not do so).

I would say all of them were too young to be there for a service that long. ** I say unless a child knows better to stay seated and reasonably quiet, they should not be there** (unless a parent cannot make arrangements for child care). I am not against kids but an important event that my aunt was a part of, it was important for others in the same area to be able to hear and see things without much interruption.

My best guess is for a child about 6 or 7 years can behave decently at something that long even if they have a quiet toy and/or book to entertain them at times. The few babies that were there I rarely heard them as they were either removed at the first sign of being fussy or were already in the cry room.

Please keep in mind, I am not against children, and that Jesus welcomed the youngsters when they were brought to them & He said we should welcome them. But I am sure they did their best to be quiet when he told them a story too.

This is an ongoing theme for Miss Rose.

 

[Boswell]

It is not a problem for me more of a dilemma. I do not mind sharing a sign of peace at the appropriate time with him & others but I prefer the silent reflection time in line then in my seat during Communion. There are other children in my parish that have Downs that remain seated at Communion quietly unless they receive. Another young lady who has Downs like the young man receives Communion very reverently, sits quietly most of the time during Mass, and does not reach out for others the way he did to me and others in the line.

Perhaps not so much of a dilemma as an opportunity to do what Jesus did when poor unfortunate people tugged at the hem of his garment as he was on his way from here to there: He stopped and ministered to them…

 

[LotsOfHope]

This is a different incident at Communion that I would appreciate advice concerning. There were two girls in the pew behind me, one of whom seemed cognitively impaired in some way. They seemed to be around 18/19 years of age. Just before Communion, I heard one girl say to the other, Just do what I do. The other girl then asked a mumbled question and the first girl said, Don’t worry. They will just put it in your mouth and you come back here. Then we went up to receive Communion and both girls did receive as well. I was concerned, but didn’t know what I could do about the situation.

I could not figure out how to start a new thread, so that is why I posted as a reply here.
Thank you.

 

[trevorhall]

Instead of shaking his hand, give him a hug! That is what I am learning from Pope Francis’ example.

 

[KrazyKat]

That would make sense if this was a one time event. But it isn’t.

It sounds to me like MissRose needs to find an adults only Mass.

Heck, just a few months ago, she was upset because an entire family attended Mass. Her opinion was that children shouldn’t attend unless they know how to be quiet.

This is an ongoing theme for Miss Rose.

Thanks for this. Nothing I can say will help this individual.

 

[babochka]

Perhaps not so much of a dilemma as an opportunity to do what Jesus did when poor unfortunate people tugged at the hem of his garment as he was on his way from here to there: He stopped and ministered to them…

 

[InspiritCarol]

You did nothing wrong. And you certainly did nothing wrong in posting this.
Here’s a completely different approach to help you grow:
-Sit next to this individual during Mass. You wouldn’t need to pass him in the communion line.
-Hand him a rosary (with his mother’s permission).
-Talk to the priest, in a charitable way about this.

I can see what you’re getting at: if others had not shaken his hand, he might have learned to stop shaking hands at this point and isn’t it more charitable to assist a disabled person in learning to fit in better?

Please look for the most empathetic/loving person in your church community to help you solve this dilemma. That should be the pastor but maybe a deacon? There have always been “mothers” in communities that I felt safe (no gossip) talking to about my personal issues.

This is really something that can not be “fixed” here on-line. I offer you my prayers and ask that you not flee from this challenge. Grow from it!

 

[paperwight66]

Instead of shaking his hand, give him a hug! That is what I am learning from Pope Francis’ example.

I think this advice, although well-meant, is problematic. I learnt this from a similar experience I had at Mass, when a young boy with Downs hugged me. His mother was quite distressed and cross with him because ,as she explained, for his own safety she had to teach him not to get himself so physically close and affectionate with all and sundry.
A handshake is OK - a hug? Alas, in this sad world, not a good idea.

 

[Cider]

This is a different incident at Communion that I would appreciate advice concerning. There were two girls in the pew behind me, one of whom seemed cognitively impaired in some way. They seemed to be around 18/19 years of age. Just before Communion, I heard one girl say to the other, Just do what I do. The other girl then asked a mumbled question and the first girl said, Don’t worry. They will just put it in your mouth and you come back here. Then we went up to receive Communion and both girls did receive as well. I was concerned, but didn’t know what I could do about the situation.

I could not figure out how to start a new thread, so that is why I posted as a reply here.
Thank you.

I don’t think there is anything to do. It just sounds like one of the girls was reminding the other what to do. Maybe she needs this reminder every week? Or maybe she usually goes to mass where the eucharist is given in the hand and receiving on the tongue is a new experience?

 

[runningdude]

Really??? What are you suggesting the ushers do if it continues? Through him and his mother out?
…

Only if necessary for the safety of parishioners and the teen in question.

 

[LisaA]

MissRose73 asked a question and a lot of people here are beating her up about her ‘attitude’. The situation MissRose73 describes obviously bothers her and I can understand why. Many people (myself included) do not like to be touched or grabbed by other human beings, no matter what the situation.

MissRose73 - You have a couple of options. 1. You might consider attending Mass at another time (e.g. Saturday vigil Mass, early morning Mass). 2. Sit in another section of the church were you are in a communion line that does not pass by the section the young man is sitting in, or just join a communion line that does not pass by him.

I recommend that you not address the issue with the mother or anyone else in the church. You risk the chance of being criticized as mean spirited although you have every right to expect to be left alone to worship in your own manner in your own comfort zone.

Before anyone out there takes me to task be aware that I have a 40+ year old niece whose emotional age is between 10 and 12. I know all about the hardships involved in raising and nurturing a family member that has both physical and mental health limitations. Yes, many such people are very loving, but they can also be very obnoxious at the most inappropriate time. Please show some charity and cut MissRose73 some slack.

I think avoiding the situation as you noted above is probably the best way to deal with it. In our Parish we have several communion lines and chances are the mother and child sit in the same place every week. Just avoid being in the line that passes by his pew.

We have a parish member who is very “dramatic” and rather disruptive during Mass… She also according to her family members suffers from a mental illness. She is frequently disruptive and rather distracting to sit near so I just avoid sitting in the section where she usually parks. She has been spoken to by our Deacon and Priest. Not much we can do about it if she’s in one of her “diva” phases so we mostly just ignore it.

Again if you want quiet go to Adoration or find a time when the church is open and you can pray without distractions.

Lisa

 

[HB11]

:thumbsup:beautiful answer, . Some of you guys bring tears of joy to me with your great response(and I am a tough old Italian lady). I am glad the mother brings the kid to Mass. We always attend a Special Mass with my little nephew who is special needs. I hope someday when I take him to a Mass I have folks like you sitting nearby.

Give him a break, he’s mentally challenged what do you expect from him? Remember, “as you do to the least of these my brethren you do unto me” Being hostile to this young man is being hostile to Christ, whom you are about to receive in the Holy Sacrament. Don’t eat unto condemnation, but smile at this man and eat unto life.

God bless.

 

[SMHW]

Y

I went to Mass yesterday morning. As I was going for Holy Communion, a teenage boy with a mental disability (Downs) kept trying to grab my arm - he was sitting in an aisle seat and was alone while his mother received Communion.
.
.
.
How should I handle it if it happens again? Should I approach his mother who certainly does her best to make him behave himself at Mass and let her know?

I think you really have two issues here. Actually three. Your best bet is to handle them individually.

You are wondering what, if anything, to do about the past event.

You are wondering what, if anything, to do to prevent this from happening again.

And you are wondering what to do if it happens again (perhaps in spite of any steps you or others take to prevent it.)

I don’t know if you should approach the mother. How old is this boy? He evidently is old enough/rational enough to leave in the pew but does not go up for communion with everyone else. You say the mother does her best to make him behave himself. Have you specifically seen her correct his attempts to interact with others at the incorrect time?

If you wish not to be accosted by this boy again then the only sure way to do so is never to be within arm’s reach of him. You can address it with the mother. You can address it with the pastor. You can address it with the ushers. They may or may not do anything. And even if they do it will be no guarantee, short of banning the the young man from Mass.

If he ever should reach out and shake your hand again… My suggestion is to shake back. Perhaps this isn’t ideal but as you’ve seen from this thread, sometimes the cost of a specific battle is just too great.

 

[Oneofthewomen]

I went to Mass yesterday morning. As I was going for Holy Communion, a teenage boy with a mental disability (Downs) kept trying to grab my arm - he was sitting in an aisle seat and was alone while his mother received Communion. ** I thought he would have known my posture of head down and hands folded meaning to not disturb me (which is my normal way of going up to receive Communion). The young man then tried to grab my right arm several times to get me to shake hands with him like he was able to do with several others in the line. I gently pushed his arm away several times before I was out of his reach to go receive Communion.**

How should I handle it if it happens again? Should I approach his mother who certainly does her best to make him behave himself at Mass and let her know?

The bolded part is what bothers me the most. This young man tried, more than once to give you the sing of peace, and more than once you pushed him away. If you knew he was “special needs”, why were you holding him to an expectation that he could not meet. Yes, it can be jarring, or even annoying, but to be perfectly frank, Mass is not all about you. It is the communal worship of the people of God, and this young man is just as much a part of the body of Christ as you are. What you showed him with your “brush off”, was that he was less important, and that is very sad.

This is not about the child at all, MissRose, this is all about you, and your attitudes and ideas of what Mass should or should not be like. I urge you to do nothing about this incident except to discuss your feelings about what happened with a priest, as there seem to be much bigger issues going on here.