Incident at Mass recently - how to handle if it happens again

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Oneofthewomen said:
The bolded part is what bothers me the most. This young man tried, more than once to give you the sing of peace, and more than once you pushed him away. If you knew he was “special needs”, why were you holding him to an expectation that he could not meet. Yes, it can be jarring, or even annoying, but to be perfectly frank, Mass is not all about you. It is the communal worship of the people of God, and this young man is just as much a part of the body of Christ as you are. What you showed him with your “brush off”, was that he was less important, and that is very sad.

This is not about the child at all, MissRose, this is all about you, and your attitudes and ideas of what Mass should or should not be like. I urge you to do nothing about this incident except to discuss your feelings about what happened with a priest, as there seem to be much bigger issues going on here.
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Totally agree.

To the OP, I think you should “handle this” by being ashamed of the way you “handled it” this time and be MUCH more charitable next time.

As others said, remember why you are there. How would Christ have responded to the child? You mentioned he is a special needs teenager. So he likely functions at the level of a very young child and exhibits much more innocence than you ever will.
 
I agree that perhaps she could have shaken his hand and moved on, but your tone leaves a grievous amount to be desired. Don’t be rude.
 
A great line that someone told me one time to put times like these in perspective:

“The sound of a child crying in Mass is the sound of a pro-life decision.”

Considering that almost 90% of Down’s syndrome children are aborted, be thankful that his mother didn’t have him killed, and enjoy the opportunity to encounter him.
 
Children with disabilities form a very wide spectrum. They can have mild or severe disabilities or anything inbetween. I’ve seen kids with autism who don’t speak a single word, while another functions, like a completely normal kid. You would not even realize she’s autistic, until you deal with her on a daily basis. One kid will react by screaming while another by hugging.

The parents have a heavy cross to carry. These kids cannot bring in perfect A’s, medals or even have friends, play simple games etc. What they do bring in, is stares, rebuttals embarrassment, sadness, simply because we live in our perfect little worlds and are ignorant of theirs. My friend has an autistic daughter, not a single kid wants her on their team because they will loose. Only two kids out of 20 showed up for her birthday party. It’s sad.

No two kids, especially with disabilities, would react the same way. The parents have a lot to deal with, besides trying to get some normalcy in their lives.
I would say go ahead and hug that kid if the opportunity presents itself again. I’m absolutely sure that this kid will be an angel in heaven at the end of his life. Wouldn’t you like to think I once hugged an angel ? Be kinder than necessary, especially in situations like that.
 
I really, really don’t like the tar-and-feathering that I see being perpetrated here by a lot of posters. There are ways to suggest your ideas to the OP without sounding like a pack of snarling hounds, to be quite frank.
 
I would just shake the boy’s hand. It will only take a few seconds. Even if there are other children with Down’s Syndrome who behave better, not all Down’s children have the same capabilities. Some are much higher functioning than others.
 
Lochias said:
I really, really don’t like the tar-and-feathering that I see being perpetrated here by a lot of posters.
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I agree. If you’re going to suggest “being charitable,” be charitable in your response–lest you undermine your message completely.
 
Lochias said:
I really, really don’t like the tar-and-feathering that I see being perpetrated here by a lot of posters. There are ways to suggest your ideas to the OP without sounding like a pack of snarling hounds, to be quite frank.
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I agree. From the original post, it sounds like the OP was genuinely unsure of how to handle the situation, and perhaps just looking for some practical advice. (Maybe along the lines of, “This happened, and I’m not sure what I should do. What do you think?”)

I work with students who have disabilities–autism, Down syndrome, those affected by brain injuries, etc etc. A very common phrase that is used in school settings and other settings is “Hands down” in a pleasant but firm voice. Maybe you could try that. It’s a commonly used phrase to set boundaries, and it may be that this young man you encountered has heard it before. It benefits everyone–from teachers and aides who need to set limits on being touched throughout the day, to the students themselves who need to be reminded of boundaries, of what they should and shouldn’t do when they are outside of school.

Also, I would not recommend hugging the teenager, because that could inadvertently reinforce his grabbing behavior. That is, he will then learn that when he grabs people in line, there is the possibility that he will be hugged. If he enjoys being hugged, then he could start to grab more frequently.
 
zz912 said:
A great line that someone told me one time to put times like these in perspective:

“The sound of a child crying in Mass is the sound of a pro-life decision.”

Considering that almost 90% of Down’s syndrome children are aborted, be thankful that his mother didn’t have him killed, and enjoy the opportunity to encounter him.
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👍👍👍

This is true. We used to staff a pediatric cardiac clinic and many children with Down’s Syndrome have heart issues. We noticed a tremendous drop off of children coming to the clinic for this surgery and realized that now the children are often aborted rather than being born.

I will definitely remember the comment that a crying baby is a pro-life song 🙂
Lisa
 
WOW. Just WOW. There is a boy at my parish who is severely autistic. He sticks out his hand for high fives during Holy Communion. I always give him a high five. Why? Because it makes him smile. It is showing this child, who through no fault of his own, who has severe handicaps a bit of LOVE.

Just this past Sunday, I felt a pair of eyes looking at me. I was kneeling at my pew when I looked up to see a little boy, about 5 or so just looking at me. I gave him a big smile and he smiled the biggest smile. I have no problem with showing love to little ones, I wouldn’t think anyone would, actually.
 
Lochias said:
I really, really don’t like the tar-and-feathering that I see being perpetrated here by a lot of posters. There are ways to suggest your ideas to the OP without sounding like a pack of snarling hounds, to be quite frank.
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👍 Best post in this thread. Also could spply to some of the other threads.
 
Lochias said:
I agree that perhaps she could have shaken his hand and moved on, but your tone leaves a grievous amount to be desired. Don’t be rude.
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This isn’t rude, it’s just direct and probably something the OP needs to see for dealing with such “incidents.”
 
daisybee said:
From the original post, it sounds like the OP was genuinely unsure of how to handle the situation, and perhaps just looking for some practical advice. (Maybe along the lines of, “This happened, and I’m not sure what I should do. What do you think?”)

I work with students who have disabilities–autism, Down syndrome, those affected by brain injuries, etc etc. A very common phrase that is used in school settings and other settings is “Hands down” in a pleasant but firm voice. Maybe you could try that. It’s a commonly used phrase to set boundaries, and it may be that this young man you encountered has heard it before. It benefits everyone–from teachers and aides who need to set limits on being touched throughout the day, to the students themselves who need to be reminded of boundaries, of what they should and shouldn’t do when they are outside of school.

Also, I would not recommend hugging the teenager, because that could inadvertently reinforce his grabbing behavior. That is, he will then learn that when he grabs people in line, there is the possibility that he will be hugged. If he enjoys being hugged, then he could start to grab more frequently.
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👍 Great advice! Very helpful and understanding of the situation.
 
Lapey said:
Since when does a person with Downs wanting to shake hands cause injury???
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I never said it was necessary to expel him from mass, or that he would cause injury; I said the ushers should be aware there is a problem and monitor it.

You suggested the extreme action of expelling him; that would only be necessary if there is a risk of injury or other severe problem.
 
runningdude said:
I never said it was necessary to expel him from mass, or that he would cause injury; I said the ushers should be aware there is a problem and monitor it.

You suggested the extreme action of expelling him; that would only be necessary if there is a risk of injury or other severe problem.
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I understand, but why would ushers be needed to “monitor” the situation, and how is it a “problem?”

It’s a child/adult with Downs Syndrome. It’s not contagious, nor is a hand shake a detriment to receiving communion.

What needs to be done is to take the time to sit with this person after Mass, maybe meet and get to know the parents; and then offer help. A precious gift from God is in your midst and we want to have ushers monitor the problem. I’m at a loss on this one, I’m sorry but there is nothing to monitor nor is there a problem.
 
Miss Rose,
Have you discussed this with your therapist?

Reb Levi
 
Lapey said:
I understand, but why would ushers be needed to “monitor” the situation, and how is it a “problem?”

It’s a child/adult with Downs Syndrome. It’s not contagious, nor is a hand shake a detriment to receiving communion.
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Children need to learn appropriate behavior. Children with disabilities want desperately to fit it. It doesn’t help to indulge their minor faux pas (nor dwell on them).
What needs to be done is to take the time to sit with this person after Mass, maybe meet and get to know the parents; and then offer help. A precious gift from God is in your midst and we want to have ushers monitor the problem. I’m at a loss on this one, I’m sorry but there is nothing to monitor nor is there a problem.
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Speaking to the ushers does not preclude this, but parents can be extremely defensive of their children. The ushers need not intervene as long as nothing inappropriate occurs, but they are aware that there may be a problem.
 
MissRose, I would advise you not to post any question on CAF that could require a modicum of sympathy from the respondents. This forum is an excellent place to learn about Catholic doctrine, but there is a deep and troubling lack of charity in this community.
 
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