Incident at Mass recently - how to handle if it happens again

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daisybee said:
I agree. From the original post, it sounds like the OP was genuinely unsure of how to handle the situation, and perhaps just looking for some practical advice. (Maybe along the lines of, “This happened, and I’m not sure what I should do. What do you think?”)

I work with students who have disabilities–autism, Down syndrome, those affected by brain injuries, etc etc. A very common phrase that is used in school settings and other settings is “Hands down” in a pleasant but firm voice. Maybe you could try that. It’s a commonly used phrase to set boundaries, and it may be that this young man you encountered has heard it before. It benefits everyone–from teachers and aides who need to set limits on being touched throughout the day, to the students themselves who need to be reminded of boundaries, of what they should and shouldn’t do when they are outside of school.

Also, I would not recommend hugging the teenager, because that could inadvertently reinforce his grabbing behavior. That is, he will then learn that when he grabs people in line, there is the possibility that he will be hugged. If he enjoys being hugged, then he could start to grab more frequently.
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I agree with Lochais, OP was genuinely asking, a lot of rude comments out there.
Daisybee, thankyou for educating us about the ‘hugging’. I just thought it was a nice thing to do !
 
“there is a deep and troubling lack of charity in this community.”

(Now, that’s an ironic statement.)

As the mom of a special needs kid, I get that sometimes that my kid doesn’t do what’s “proper”. But guess what - neither do most “normal” kids his age. I’m sure our parents could tell us the stories about when we acted up at the wrong time in the wrong place too. None of us are perfect either.

So, how to handle it?
  1. Shake his hand
    or
  2. Sit somewhere else so that you won’t have to deal with him or his parents or have this issue pop up.
This is really a minor issue, which is why a lot of us are just in awe that you’d want the ushers and everyone to watch this kid to make sure that he’s not doing something disruptive. It’s not like he’s sitting in the pew with a handgun pointing it at people! (Seriously?)

Is it really disruptive to try to shake someone’s hand? Or was it annoying because the kid choose to try to shake your hand? Is this something that God really cares about or are you being judgmental towards another person because they are behaving differently than you would in the same situation? I simply don’t buy into a legalistic version of God or Mass. I don’t believe that He’s looking down and recording if we bowed “X” number of times or knelt “X” number of times and said all the prayers and songs correctly, every time. (As a convert, I still screw up some of the prayers/songs, even though I know the Mass. I need extra grace if it’s in Latin or they decide to go with some of the Spanish songs they like to choose.) It is my belief that He’s looking, first and foremost, to see if we showed up to worship Him. This question is really a case of “don’t sweat the small stuff” for a lot of us.
 
MissRose73 said:
I went to Mass yesterday morning. As I was going for Holy Communion, **a teenage boy with a mental disability (Downs) kept trying to grab my arm - he was sitting in an aisle seat and was alone while his mother received Communion. I thought he would have known my posture of head down and hands folded meaning to not disturb me (which is my normal way of going up to receive Communion). **The young man then tried to grab my right arm several times to get me to shake hands with him like he was able to do with several others in the line. I gently pushed his arm away several times before I was out of his reach to go receive Communion.

How should I handle it if it happens again? Should I approach his mother who certainly does her best to make him behave himself at Mass and let her know?
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I didn’t read the thread, but perhaps if you can speak with the parents very kindly and charitably, it might help? They might already be working on him with this. It can take a while. We used to have a man with Downs live in our neighborhood when I was a teen and he would follow me everywhere on his bike and would just sit in my driveway when I was home, waiting for me to come outside. He’d never say anything to me, but it turns out he had a crush on me. He just didn’t know what was appropriate and his mother and my mother had to work with him to let him know what was and was not right. It took a little bit, but when he finally learned, he never did it again and he was nice to be around when I’d go to visit his elderly mother every once in a while.
 
👍 We are called to care and love each other, what better time than in the context of the mass. We are a community, celebrating together.
Dcn Frank
 
A person posts a post about being offended (rude?) by a special needs child on the way to communion. Many people reply to that post in very frank terms (rude?). Then some people post very frank replies calling those people rude (rude?)

Maybe rudeness is in the eye of the beholder.🤷

Maybe frank answers and discussions should be banned from this forum.🤷
 
Lapey said:
I understand, but why would ushers be needed to “monitor” the situation, and how is it a “problem?”

It’s a child/adult with Downs Syndrome. It’s not contagious, nor is a hand shake a detriment to receiving communion.

What needs to be done is to take the time to sit with this person after Mass, maybe meet and get to know the parents; and then offer help. A precious gift from God is in your midst and we want to have ushers monitor the problem. I’m at a loss on this one, I’m sorry but there is nothing to monitor nor is there a problem.
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👍 I fully agree deacon. I have had a number of parishioners with downs syndrome. They are a danger to no one. The very idea that somehow an usher needs to “monitor” the situation send chills down my back. If we are not here to love such these, then why are we a church?
Dcn Frank
 
TARRAT said:
A person posts a post about being offended (rude?) by a special needs child on the way to communion. Many people reply to that post in very frank terms (rude?). Then some people post very frank replies calling those people rude (rude?)

Maybe rudeness is in the eye of the beholder.🤷

Maybe frank answers and discussions should be banned from this forum.🤷
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Maybe I’m reading this wrong, but the OP didn’t say she was offended. She said:
-this this happened unexpectedly
-this is how I reacted
-what should I have done? (I.e. was it okay to shake his hand?)

This is a prime example of someone seeking guidance - not ridicule.

Regardless of past encounters with the OP, we need to read the question as written.

**There is nothing wrong with going to others regarding our uncertainties.
How else can we learn?

As a mother of four little ones, I appreciate it when other people in the congregation step up *CHARITABLY *and help “pitch in”. But that does not mean in any way that *other *mothers feel this way. That is why these things need to be handled on a case by case basis with the parish. If the OP is feeling called to help, why not let that door be opened?
 
teetee said:
I agree with Lochais, OP was genuinely asking, a lot of rude comments out there.
Daisybee, thankyou for educating us about the ‘hugging’. I just thought it was a nice thing to do !
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Now in defense of the rude comments. I have noticed that we (humans) have a tenancy to over-empathize with people we perceive to be wronged. I call it my “mamma bear” instinct and it’s one of the main reasons I tend not to post when I’m pregnant. (It’s in hyper-drive mode then).

SO, I think we should all take a deep breath and focus on daisybee’s wonderful response.
 
InspiritCarol said:
Maybe I’m reading this wrong, but the OP didn’t say she was offended. She said:
-this this happened unexpectedly
-this is how I reacted
-what should I have done? (I.e. was it okay to shake his hand?)

This is a prime example of someone seeking guidance - not ridicule.

Regardless of past encounters with the OP, we need to read the question as written.

**There is *nothing ***wrong with going to others regarding our uncertainties.
How else can we learn?

As a mother of four little ones, I appreciate it when other people in the congregation step up *CHARITABLY *and help “pitch in”. But that does not mean in any way that *other *mothers feel this way. That is why these things need to be handled on a case by case basis with the parish. If the OP is feeling called to help, why not let that door be opened?
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I agree. Regardless of our first reaction after having read the OP, we need to realize that she is asking for guidance for what she should do if this happens again. You never know when you will be in a situation that has taken you by surprise. For example, If you are in church at your adoration time, and a stranger walks into the sanctuary and starts lighting the candles with a cigarette lighter. Do you 1. confront him/her by firmly telling them that they are not supposed to be in the sanctuary (this is often a first reaction among us devout Catholics who are concerned with desecration 2. call the police (when we have some idea that the person has mental issues or it is known that certain individuals have been known to be aggressive at times). 3. Do you keep your cool, ask them their name and politely let them known that we are not supposed to go into the sanctary. 4. do nothing.

It is just good to know what one should do if it happens again and there is nothing wrong with asking questions.
 
zab said:
I agree. Regardless of our first reaction after having read the OP, we need to realize that she is asking for guidance for what she should do if this happens again. You never know when you will be in a situation that has taken you by surprise. For example, If you are in church at your adoration time, and a stranger walks into the sanctuary and starts lighting the candles with a cigarette lighter. Do you 1. confront him/her by firmly telling them that they are not supposed to be in the sanctuary (this is often a first reaction among us devout Catholics who are concerned with desecration 2. call the police (when we have some idea that the person has mental issues or it is known that certain individuals have been known to be aggressive at times). 3. Do you keep your cool, ask them their name and politely let them known that we are not supposed to go into the sanctary. 4. do nothing.

It is just good to know what one should do if it happens again and there is nothing wrong with asking questions.
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Read post 7, which she expressed that she saw this as a dilemma since it wasn’t at the sign of peace but in communion line which should be a time of quite reflection and was caught off guard and disturbed by it. I think what people are reacting to is that she should have brushed it off and considered that this was a special needs child, shake his hands and be done with it and not compared him to other special need children that are quite. The attitude isn’t compassion or asking how to understand someone with special needs but that she was bothered in a time of quite reflection and her reflection was disturbed. I don’t think there isn’t any time that our quite reflection has not been disturbed at Mass. Somehow too many think Mass is about me, myself and I and don’t anyone else bothering me. But Mass is done with others in community and sometimes we disturbed each other or are disturbed by each other. I think if Op was asking for help to understand or have more compassion if and when this situation comes up again would have been better but that isn’t what came across.
 
zab said:
… You never know when you will be in a situation that has taken you by surprise. For example, If you are in church at your adoration time, and a stranger walks into the sanctuary and starts lighting the candles with a cigarette lighter. Do you 1. confront him/her by firmly telling them that they are not supposed to be in the sanctuary (this is often a first reaction among us devout Catholics who are concerned with desecration 2. call the police (when we have some idea that the person has mental issues or it is known that certain individuals have been known to be aggressive at times). 3. Do you keep your cool, ask them their name and politely let them known that we are not supposed to go into the sanctuary. 4. do nothing.

It is just good to know what one should do if it happens again and there is nothing wrong with asking questions.
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This is a prime example of “it depends”. Right? I mean if you are the closest thing to authority around but only a small slip of a thing, #2 is the obvious answer. If, however, you are a big intimidating personality, … well, *I *would still take #2 but that’s because I’ve been attacked at the church and I’ve know people who were *killed *in similar circumstances.

Err on the side of caution. *Charitable *caution. It’s not like they’d get arrested.

…
You know … It occurs to me that maybe some of the people have over-reacted because they are feeling called to “help” too?
 
MissRose73 said:
It is not a problem for me more of a dilemma. I do not mind sharing a sign of peace at the appropriate time with him & others but I prefer the silent reflection time in line then in my seat during Communion. There are other children in my parish that have Downs that remain seated at Communion quietly unless they receive. Another young lady who has Downs like the young man receives Communion very reverently, sits quietly most of the time during Mass, and does not reach out for others the way he did to me and others in the line.
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Here’s post number 7 for reference.

“dilemma” just means “what do I do?” - she can not be more clear: “not a problem”.
She then says what she prefers - not that it must be done.

She points out that her only other reference points behave differently and would like someone to help resolve this seeming inconsistency.
It seems she is trying to help people understand that this is not an issue with Downs per se, it is a question of how she should react to this one individual in only this case.
 
[edited]

I think my point stands. “Do as I say, not as I do” appears to be the rule of the day in this thread. What a steaming crock o’ crud.

Miss Rose, I hope things resolve peacefully next Mass-time.
 
robwar said:
Read post 7, which she expressed that she saw this as a dilemma since it wasn’t at the sign of peace but in communion line which should be a time of quite reflection and was caught off guard and disturbed by it. I think what people are reacting to is that she should have brushed it off and considered that this was a special needs child, shake his hands and be done with it and not compared him to other special need children that are quite. The attitude isn’t compassion or asking how to understand someone with special needs but that she was bothered in a time of quite reflection and her reflection was disturbed. I don’t think there isn’t any time that our quite reflection has not been disturbed at Mass. Somehow too many think Mass is about me, myself and I and don’t anyone else bothering me. But Mass is done with others in community and sometimes we disturbed each other or are disturbed by each other. I think if Op was asking for help to understand or have more compassion if and when this situation comes up again would have been better but that isn’t what came across.
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I don’t think that we can say that the attitude isn’t compassion or asking how to understand someone with special needs. I think that some of us, myself included, overreacted when we read the OP’s post just as she may have initially over reacted by what happened. Now she wants to be prepared. We should take it at that and stop with our own judging. I agree with many of the good suggestions. I do not agree with the unfair criticism of the person asking what to do.
 
The female original poster expressed discomfort because a male teenager grabbed her arm when she did not wish to be touched.

Teens, with or without disabilities, needs to learn proper boundaries. It is entirely appropriate that she inform the ushers that this is an issue, especially if previous efforts to speak to the teen or mother did not end the unwanted touching.
 
MissRose73 said:
…
How should I handle it if it happens again? Should I approach his mother who certainly does her best to make him behave himself at Mass and let her know?
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Rereading your post, speaking to the mother would be an acceptable first step. If you continued to be bothered, then you might bring it to the attention of the ushers.

A very simple intervention might simply be to have someone sit with him while his mother goes up for communion, or to have communion brought to her. The goal shouldn’t be to embarrass or punish, but to work as a community to teach proper manners at all levels.
 
runningdude said:
Rereading your post, speaking to the mother would be an acceptable first step. If you continued to be bothered, then you might bring it to the attention of the ushers.

A very simple intervention might simply be to have someone sit with him while his mother goes up for communion, or to have communion brought to her. The goal shouldn’t be to embarrass or punish, but to work as a community to teach proper manners at all levels.
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Kids with Downs are often affectionate and joyous. We can learn something from them.
 
Sounds like the disabled boy has been trained by a lot of “o-o-ooh-let-me-show-love-to-the-disabled-boy-by-giving-him-a-handshake / hug-on-my-way-up-to-Holy Communion” types.

His mom would probably appreciate it MORE if you did that at the appropriate Greeting Of Peace time in the Mass, or after Mass, and thereby helping the boy learn the correct behaviors for the various parts of the Mass.

How about the people in line for Holy Communion who are suffering from arthritis, rheumatism, shingles, balance problems, vision loss, etc.? Do they need someone who lacks astute judgement, tugging at their arm, possibly throwing them off balance or causing pain? Not to mention people who may have limited tolerance about people unexpectedly startling, grabbing or touching them (autistic spectrum, etc.) ?

I am astounded by the number of so-called Catholics responding Miss Rose73 who immediately had to chastise and berate her, including two who called themselves Deacons! Unbelievable! And the person who cited a previous post in a completely different thread by Miss Rose73 to try to belittle her is just beyond the pale.

As the third-grade teacher used to say, “Go stand in the corner!”:tsktsk:
 
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