Inclusiveness in children

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I just found out a child in our family was in a group of children that did not allow another child to play with them because of their skin color. The parents of the child that was in the group are upset and looking for ways to deal with this.
How do you think the parents should address this (other than talking)?
I was trying to suggest something the child could do for the child that had been rejected, in reparation of the harm… but I couldn’t think of anything. I know the child that was in the group does have friends that have the same skin color as the child that was rejected (just not at the location where this happened).
 
12345678 said:
I just found out a child in our family was in a group of children that did not allow another child to play with them because of their skin color. The parents of the child that was in the group are upset and looking for ways to deal with this.
How do you think the parents should address this (other than talking)?
I was trying to suggest something the child could do for the child that had been rejected, in reparation of the harm… but I couldn’t think of anything. I know the child that was in the group does have friends that have the same skin color as the child that was rejected (just not at the location where this happened).
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A one-on-one playdate or a family outing with the other family to some place or event everybody will enjoy.

You don’t need to make an afterschool special out of it, but give your child a chance to have fun with the injured child.
 
If they have friends with the same coloring, how do you know for certain this is why the child was excluded?

If your child was in the group that excluded the other child, you could do something with that child and yours. If it was one “queen bee” that did the excluding and everyone else went along with it, you may want to speak to the queens parents. And also, have a conversation with your own child about not excluding friends.

I think you have not really given enough detail for people to be more helpful.
 
How old is the child? Is this a situation where there are other adults are present and should be supervising (like a school?) Is this attitude prevalent among adults where you live? (There are racists everywhere, but it’s definitely more commonly accepted in some places than others.)
 
Age: around 5-6 yrs old
Setting: School Playground
Reason: Skin color was confirmed to be the reason by the children
We do suspect there was a “Queen Bee” type personality involved and the child went along with it, because the child does have good friends outside of school that have the same skin color and the child likes being with them and has never had this issue before.
I was looking for the something like the outing idea, except to the best of my knowledge the families do not know each other and the school has kids from many different areas that live far from the school in different directions. I could suggest it, but I think it could place a burden on the family of the other child.
The school has a high percentage of minorities and I do not believe racism is prevalent in the area/environment of the child.
 
I would suggest setting up a meeting between the injured child and the kids who were exclusive. I suggest the child should be prompted to tell the kids, “I feel ________________________ when you ________________________________. I want you to __________________________.” Then I would moderate a discussion between the parties, looking for common ground.

This would do 4 things:
  1. Allow the victim to stick up for themselves and take control of the situation, asserting their dignity.
  2. Allow the perpetrators to understand they have injured someone.
  3. Hopefully this would instigate remorse and a sincere apology.
  4. With the help of an adult, they children may be steered to see that they both like Frozen, dolls, etc. Being alike on the inside matters more in friendship than what we look like on the outside.
 
Perhaps you could require your child to think up something nice to give to or do for the injured child. I know a parent who required her seventh grade son to buy flowers for a girl he had made fun of and deliver them to her house as an apology. If you know where the child lives, perhaps you could make a special trip to her house to drop off a batch of cookies or a homemade card or a cherished toy. If you have to rearrange your schedule to drive across town with the offending child, all the better. It will demonstrate to your child how important you consider it to be inclusive of everyone regardless of skin color.

Let us know what happens.
 
First, this is getting really confusing so I am going to call the ‘child in your family’ Sally and the kid with a different skin colour Annie.

And I was Sally often enough to tell you exactly what is going on in Sally’s mind. Here it goes.

Sally is at school playing with a bunch of kids. Annie comes to join the group and no where out of the blue, Queen Bee tells Annie to go away because of her skin colour. Sally freezes out of shock and does nothing because she can’t imagine why anyone would be so cruel (and possibly is experiencing/witnessing racism for the first time). Sally immediately becomes scared and does not want to do anything to possibly upset Queen Bee so that Queen Bee will not turn on Sally and bully Sally.

Sally’s parents find out what happens and orders Sally to make amends. Sally feels unjustly treated because Queen Bee did it and Sally does NOT think she should be held accountable for Queen Bees actions since six year olds don’t understand guilty by association. (I am assuming Sally did not get on board and did not do anything nasty). Sally’s parents still insist that Sally will make amends. Guess who Sally becomes mad at … Annie. So, Sally no longer appreciates being Annie’s protector and wants Annie out of her life. Sally also knows how to get rid of Annie since she saw how well it worked for Queen Bee. So, being the smart cookie Sally is, when she is SURE her parents will never find out, she makes fun of Annie’s skin colour. The result, Annie is further hurt and after a while, Sally is WAY too humiliated to confess. Since Annie will no longer play with Sally, the only choice Sally has is to play with Queen Bee and pick up more bad habits.

This is how I think Sally’s parents should handle it. (ie how I wished my parents would have handled it). Some night at supper casually ask Sally ‘How is Annie doing’. Doesn’t matter what Sally answers. Then say ‘I keep thinking about how Queen Bee made fun of her skin colour, poor Annie that must have hurt. I remember how bad it hurt when people made fun of me for being fat (or insert whatever)’. Talk about how it hurts to be made fun of for things we don’t control. Talk about how there was this one nice girl Jane who one day when I was playing alone asked if I liked hopscotch. All the time, making it clear Sally did not do anything wrong.

Hopefully Sally will come to see her parents as allies. Hopefully Sally will eventually be able to say to her parents ‘You know, when Queen Bee made fun of Annie, I wanted Annie to play with us but I was too scared to stand up for her’. Then the parents can help Sally think of ways to handle the situation (which hopefully will be don’t go near Queen Bee and stick with Annie).

The whole point is Sally needs to feel like she never did anything wrong and she needs to learn techniques to do what is right. Does this make sense?

Angie
 
12345678 said:
I just found out a child in our family was in a group of children that did not allow another child to play with them because of their skin color. The parents of the child that was in the group are upset and looking for ways to deal with this.
How do you think the parents should address this (other than talking)?
I was trying to suggest something the child could do for the child that had been rejected, in reparation of the harm… but I couldn’t think of anything. I know the child that was in the group does have friends that have the same skin color as the child that was rejected (just not at the location where this happened).
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Oh my heart hurts for you! Praying that God grants you the wisdom you need to work through this.

When my oldest dd was 5, she did the same thing at a family wedding. To a friend she’d had since the day she was born. I have never felt so heartbroken in my life. We certainly didn’t raise her to behave that way! I apologized profusely to her mom (one of my closest friends), and we got through it but I can only imagine that her hurt was even worse than mine. I just didn’t know what to do. Years later, we learned that this child has aspergers and had likely learned this behavior at her preschool, although the exclusion there was never based on race. She thought that was how she was supposed to act.

The best part of the story, though, is that was a one-time incident and today she is lovely young woman who has even dated a young man who is of a different race. Now she looks at character, not color. There is hope!
 
12345678 said:
I just found out a child in our family was in a group of children that did not allow another child to play with them because of their skin color. The parents of the child that was in the group are upset and looking for ways to deal with this.
How do you think the parents should address this (other than talking)?
I was trying to suggest something the child could do for the child that had been rejected, in reparation of the harm… but I couldn’t think of anything. I know the child that was in the group does have friends that have the same skin color as the child that was rejected (just not at the location where this happened).
Click to expand...
I’d say you talk to your child, explain the situation in a way that will show you expect the child to empathize with others, regardless of skin color, and in any event to practice the Golden Rule whether they can imagine how the victim of their callousness feels or not.

This is not necessarily about skin color–that is, the coincidence of the rejection and the physical difference. The child may have been shunned for equally arbitrary but less visibly obvious reasons, because we all have seen it and been in groups that did it. I mean that the group or the leader(s) of the group decided to shun the child and made it about skin color in order to make the rejection more hurtful. This may have been a power trip more than anything else.

The child under your authority or under the authority of the person you are advising ought to tell the rejected child that he/she has reflected and admits that what was happened was wrong, regrets that it happened, regrets his/her participation, knows the rejected child does not deserve to be treated like that, and promises to stick up for the rejected child if anyone ever tries that again, even if it means sharing the rejection. The chances are that the rejected child will accept this as an apology, although he/she might not believe it until the child promising to oppose anything like that actually shows courage and follows through.
 
Elmo had a play date with Mila … The word of the day was “include”. It may break the ice in a way the child could understand. Here is the clip: m.youtube.com/watch?v=bTXzYX0rrPE. It doesn’t address color … But teaches what it feels like to be excluded. Sometimes with kids, we have to keep it simple.
 
Giggly_Giraffe said:
Elmo had a play date with Mila … The word of the day was “include”. It may break the ice in a way the child could understand. Here is the clip: m.youtube.com/watch?v=bTXzYX0rrPE. It doesn’t address color … But teaches what it feels like to be excluded. Sometimes with kids, we have to keep it simple.
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This is especially true since kids sometimes exclude one another for utterly arbitrary reasons. They just decide to dislike someone at some time for some reason, maybe someone they were crazy about two weeks ago (and maybe because it was someone they were crazy about two weeks ago), and maybe with so little reason that they put this poor soul back in their good graces two weeks after that. The very arbitrariness of it can be precisely what is so hurtful about it. It can totally blindside the victims. The “perpetrator,” meanwhile, can be blithely unaware of how hurt the excluded person might feel. They do not all have that sort of maturity or sensitivity. Some seem born with it; others do not get it until later in life, if they ever do. Most of the time, though, it is transitory thoughtlessness that does not realize it is being so mean. I would assume this is that sort of situation until proven otherwise.
 
Since this happened in the schoolyard during school hours, I would also involve the school. There is a “queen bee”. Another name is a bully.

I would aslo ask the child how they would feel if someone did not play with them because they had a different eye color or haircolor and so on…then I would have the child make a “let’s be friends” card and give it to the excluded child.
 
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