Incompatibility and the Wrong "One"?

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LostFalcon

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A decade ago, I met a girl after suffering a devastating heartbreak two years prior. This woman is now my wife of 5 years and have known her for 11-12. However, our relationship was never and easy one as we would fight at least 3-4 times a week since being one month together. Today, after one kid and expecting another, we feel we are incompatible. Honestly, I am not sure how we are still together but I know she had basically picked me up after the most serious heartbreak of my life (so I feel).

Before her, I met a girl who I fell in love with at first sight. This was my first love who I met at age 19. We spent weekends together and attended church regularly. Two years into our relationship I proposed and she had said yes. We decided to consummate prior to the wedding, the ‘first time’ for both of us. However, one unfortunate night when an exgirlfriend sent me a message on social media, it caused a massive rift between us, stimulating her jealousy. She didn’t see the message, but I was honest and open about everything with her. I told my ex to pound sand since I was happy. However, ten days later after no speaking terms, we called the engagement off and broke up. This was catastrophic to me as I entered a massive depression consuming alcohol and plenty of tears.

I met my wife two years later coming out of the depression thanks to friends (not family as they ignored any signs of it). We rushed into a relationship, moved in and consummated before wedding each other. I was her first love and ‘first’. Six years later we married and came back from honeymooning to a FB friend request from my exfiancee. This had thrown me into shock at the time, yet angered me since she basically did what one of my ex’s did to drive us apart in the first place. I denied the request and was blocked by her on FB. I assume this was out of hurt and spite since she wanted to either closure or something else. Today, this same woman is a top suggestion on another form of social media and appears just typing one letter of either her first name or my last. My wife knows this and she suspects she looks at my profile still online as she constantly appears as number one. It could be that we both like and were involved in the same sports, which is how social media creates these suggestions. Ironically she is married now, but why look at an old flame?

My wife has expressed suspicions that I’m trying to reach out to her, but why the heck would I do that? My ex is married now with a kid. My wife has actually researched her, and told me details such as engagement day and date of marriage through use of social media. I have to admit, I am a little jealous I wasn’t the guy but very happy she found someone and settled down. As part of still truly loving someone, you feel happy that they are happy. However, the feelings I have for her still are eating at me, in addition to my wife believing I was more compatible with her.

Need some advice. While we have talked over divorce, I was raised to work problems out, not abandon them. As for my feelings for my ex, I’ll carry them to my grave, but never confront her and express it out of fear of wrecking her family.
 
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I would recommend you go to marriage counselling with your wife, to work on your communication, among other things. I’m going to assume from what you’ve written that either your wife knows how you feel about your ex and wants to test you, or she’s suspicious about how you feel and wants to test you. Either way, I guess it comes from a place of insecurity and jealousy.

Forget your ex. Obviously easier said than done, especially if your wife is giving you information about her, but you’ve got to put her in the past, and don’t dwell on what could have been. You’re married and you have a family with your wife, and that should be your focus.

I don’t believe in “the one” stuff. You’re married to your wife - you make her “the one”. Your focus on your feelings for your ex is preventing you from seeing that, and I bet your wife is picking up on it. I would guess that your wife is jealous over your ex and is looking at her on social media to compare with her. What you need to do is reassure her that she is your wife, the one you love and the one you want to be with. If you haven’t, I would advise you block your ex on social media.

Your ex is your past. Your wife is your future.
 
Lou2U said:
I don’t believe in “the one” stuff. You’re married to your wife - you make her “the one”. Your focus on your feelings for your ex is preventing you from seeing that, and I bet your wife is picking up on it. I would guess that your wife is jealous over your ex and is looking at her on social media to compare with her. What you need to do is reassure her that she is your wife, the one you love and the one you want to be with. If you haven’t, I would advise you block your ex on social media.
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This…
 
Oh man, sounds like highschool drama. You need to let it go. Delete your social media accounts and focus on your wife.
 
Werbenjagermanjensen said:
Oh man, sounds like highschool drama. You need to let it go. Delete your social media accounts and focus on your wife.
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Yeah.

–Everything sounds very dramatic.
–You’ve had a lot of very dramatic relationships and you are the constant in all of these situations.
–Forget the social media, which is bringing this up over and over.
–Ask your wife not to mention the ex.
–The ex is your ex because you weren’t compatible. You broke up because it was broken.
–Do marriage counseling and learn how to have a less volatile relationship with your wife.
–Consider the possibility that either you and/or your wife may have a mental illness that is fueling your conflicts.
–Here are some books to read: How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids, The Explosive Child (good for school age kids, but read it as marriage advice on how to resolve conflict), Don’t Shoot the Dog (positive reinforcement), The Five Love Languages and any marriage book by John Gottman (for example Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work). As time is probably limited, I would suggest first How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids, second The Explosive Child, and third read John Gottman books until you are doing OK.

Good luck!
 
But on the bright side, it’s possible to be compatible with a lot of different people if you behave well enough.

Good luck!
 
Many of you have good points and I appreciate the advice. It is common sense to push the ‘ex’ out of the picture given how much time has gone by. There are more underlying issues than what was said.

In the past I helped her overcome anti-depressants, which brought her closer together, but it was very difficult to deal with her withdrawals. I too also was always compared to her best friend that kept her around, but never wanted to commit to her. Even now she still brings him up, this then spirals into us reminiscing - VERY BAD IDEA. We don’t fight about it, but she has openly wanted to be the ‘first’ for everything. She has even compared our astrological signs and has said I was more compatible with my ex and my last name sounded better tagged to her. Ironically, she even refuses to take my last name. She has even said if my one of my prior ex’s never IM’d me I would have been married to my first love. I don’t think words like that should be coming from my wife.

We weren’t married in a church, but married by a ‘Catholic’ priest who said marriage outside a church was fine. Ideally this was not what I wanted as I believe such a union should be in God’s house. She also doesn’t want to attend church on Sundays.

I can admit I have not been around much to spend time with her as I work 11-12 hours a day and my job takes much of my family time away due to the responsibilities. I hardly see them both at night. I believe this too plays part in the disconnect in our marriage. My wife has turned to ‘after hours’ films to put it lightly.

There is a part of me that really does feel checked out in all of this. But where to go from there if it all ends? Try and go back to an ex who is married. Not in this lifetime. For me, if this all comes crashing down, I would like to live in solitude for some time until I get my ducks back in a row.
 
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LostFalcon said:
I don’t think words like that should be coming from my wife.
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No, they shouldn’t.
LostFalcon said:
There is a part of me that really does feel checked out in all of this. But where to go from there if it all ends? Try and go back to an ex who is married. Not in this lifetime. For me, if this all comes crashing down, I would like to live in solitude for some time until I get my ducks back in a row.
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You are the father of two children with this woman. Don’t make more messes.

There’s a lot of stuff you need to now. (And by the way, consider listening to marriage books on audiotape if you have a long commute.)

Also, why are you even thinking about your ex? Your ex was 12+ years ago. If you two get together, it will be because at least one of you (and probably both) have seriously bad morals and judgment. Any future relationship like that will be just as chaotic and volatile as your past relationships.

Good luck!
 
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I don’t believe in it really, but took interest to what she showed me. I’m not going to dismiss any topics we strike up.

However, as predicted the conversation resumed about my ex again on my lunch break, and she admitted spending last night looking her up.

Why you ask after like 12 years it popped up? I don’t think it ever really went away since she popped her head up on FB right after the wedding. Lately it has been a hot topic of hers given how she’s number one in the ‘suggested’ section of this app.

From her point of view, she knows that I had way more in common with the last one than her. She also insisted I stop participating in the same sport as she did (although we never saw each other - different leagues). With that being said, I sold everything off related to it and kissed it goodbye, as well as the hobby I loved to do.

I have been trying to get back into it lately as part of my project; this may be bringing up her insecurity over the whole thing, but again, I will never see my ex, nor do I have any intention of putting myself in such an awkward position to.
 
I really wish I can talk to our priest about it, but we aren’t assigned to a parish. I moved away from my home town and never settled in a church. I occasionally have went with my father in-law to his, but never joined.

I get along with the in-laws great. Her, not so much…which also is a strain.

Basically the hot topics stressing the marriage:

-in-law
-money
-long days at work
-ex
 
Dear Falcon,
No one is assigned to a parish. You belong in the parish closest to you; that priest is responsible for you, whether you know him or not, You don’t have to join to talk to a priest.
Tell your wife you don’t want to discuss your ex again, ever. Get off Facebook if that’s where the problems arise. Facebook is not essential for life.
See a priest and a marriage counselor. Everyone has problems in their marriage – I won’t bore you with mine. Focus on being the best husband and father you can be, and your marriage will improve, Do it for the sake of your kids.
Do you pray a Rosary together each day? That might help you; Our Lady is a powerful intercessor.
 
Thanks for all the help everyone. End of the day today. I pretty much spilled everything. While I feel like a fool in this, I would prefer to step away from the edge of darkness here.
 
completely agrre. It has been demonstrated that social media can break marriage and family.

It is not real life. It is showing what we want in our life.
 
Everyone on earth lives inside the boundries of a parish.

Google “Catholic Diocese + your town your state” and then call the Diocese. Ask to speak to someone in the Chancery Office. They will take your address and tell you which parish you belong to.
 
Dont’ engage in a bad fight; try to calmly and logically talk about your actual problems when emotions are not high. Be a man and quit thinking about exs or other problems you cannot do anything about. Dont’ talk about the past, even when she tries to do it.

Most of your issues are probably having a little kid and life being hard, and it will get harder when the next one gets out. Just live your life and be happy, don’t worry about problems.

If it bothers you, ask your wife to convalidate your marriage in the church if you think it isn’t. Start taking your kid to church, even just yourself. I doubt she would mind that much if her parents already go.

Dont’ give up on your marriage.
 
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