Incorrect Life Choices

[kerebos]

Here’s some random food for thought I’ve been mulling over.

Has anybody here NOT been told at some time that some general life choice they made was incorrect or non-ideal?

By this, I mean major choices that people make that often define them as people, but that there really is no right or wrong answer. For example, getting married vs. staying single, staying close to home vs. moving out on your own, marrying at 18 vs. waiting till 35, choosing a job you love vs. a job that pays better, having 2 children vs. having 12, planning a family meticulously vs. intentionally not planning and rolling with what happens. Obviously these are not exclusive options (some, like the job, may be possible to choose both), nor are they the only possible choices, and there are many other examples.

It seems to me that there are a lot moral ways to live your life and everybody is free to make their own choices. However, the one thing in common we all have is that somebody, somewhere who made a different choice, is likely to “tsk tsk” you for not making the same choices that they made. The derision seems to stem from Person A thinking that Person B’s choice was wrong for Person A – not that it was wrong for Person B or wrong in a general sense. Since it is a common human flaw to see the world through your own eyes first before you recognize that other people may see things differently, it would stand to reason that we’ve all been Person B at some point as well.

Thoughts?

 

[chevalier]

Sometimes people have a calling they resist and that’s a wrong choice, e.g. Jonas in the Bible (initially).

At other times, people choose to disregard the moral law, which is a wrong choice. All sins, including venial, are wrong choices.

Generally, a wrong choice would involve (result from) at least some measure of moral failure (regardless of the degree of the failure or of culpability for it), e.g. lack of prudence, insufficient learning, not paying attention one should be paying (insufficient diligence or care) etc. Which is not to burden somewhat culpably naive people with a whole load of responsibility.

Then there’s a lot of things like incorrect methodology (means unfit for achieving the intended purpose), decisions based on incorrect information, decisions resulting from a process fraught with logical errors. Whether or not involving a moral fault. We make a lot of such choices all the time.

Example of wrong choice: sitting on CAF while work is waiting. I gotta be correcting that wrong choice right now.

 

[nickybr38]

Here’s some random food for thought I’ve been mulling over.

Has anybody here NOT been told at some time that some general life choice they made was incorrect or non-ideal?

By this, I mean major choices that people make that often define them as people, but that there really is no right or wrong answer. For example, getting married vs. staying single, staying close to home vs. moving out on your own, marrying at 18 vs. waiting till 35, choosing a job you love vs. a job that pays better, having 2 children vs. having 12, planning a family meticulously vs. intentionally not planning and rolling with what happens. Obviously these are not exclusive options (some, like the job, may be possible to choose both), nor are they the only possible choices, and there are many other examples.

It seems to me that there are a lot moral ways to live your life and everybody is free to make their own choices. However, the one thing in common we all have is that somebody, somewhere who made a different choice, is likely to “tsk tsk” you for not making the same choices that they made. The derision seems to stem from Person A thinking that Person B’s choice was wrong for Person A – not that it was wrong for Person B or wrong in a general sense. Since it is a common human flaw to see the world through your own eyes first before you recognize that other people may see things differently, it would stand to reason that we’ve all been Person B at some point as well.

Thoughts?

It took me some time to move out of my parents home. I lived with my parents until just before I turned 25. There were many reasons for this. I wasn’t healthy (mentally or physically - I suffered from major anxiety). I wasn’t ready.

People were constantly ridiculing me and pressuring me to move out. It was ENDLESS and it made things worse because I felt like I was somehow a horrible person for choosing to remain with my parents until I was ready to move on.

When I was ready to move out things went very smoothly. I never regretted leaving. But then people had to judge the fact that I wasn’t in a relationship. Now, I’m sure, everyone thinks I’m some weird recluse who will never get married.

Because of all the hurtful things that were done to me I strive not to judge people’s life choices. EVER. It’s their life… and what may be right for me may not be right for them.

 

[EasterJoy]

There is no way to live your life so that some Sister Bertha Better-Than-You isn’t going to have a problem with it. If your choices aren’t immoral, other people need to butt out:

It has always been like this:
We hear that some are conducting themselves among you in a disorderly way, by not keeping busy but minding the business ofothers. Such people we instruct and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to work quietly and to eat their own food. 2 Thes. 3:11-12

 

[Nec5]

There is no way to live your life so that some Sister Bertha Better-Than-You isn’t going to have a problem with it.

This true statement needs to be framed somewhere. I would also add that comparing your life to the lives of others has its uses but is extremely problematic. It’s just not an apples to apples comparison.

 

[AMD10]

This true statement needs to be framed somewhere. ** I would also add that comparing your life to the lives of others has its uses but is extremely problematic. It’s just not an apples to apples comparison**.

So incredibly true. In the last year, I experienced some dramatic changes in my life, and I could not help comparing my experiences with the perceived experiences of others. Friends, don’t do it!

 

[dedo]

I have wondered if it is possible to optimize our ability to have Spiritual direction, and make better choices in life.

I think that going to Mass, and the Sacraments help. However, daily time with scripture and prayer may also be very important. The Book of Proverbs talks a lot about Wisdom. Once I heard a sermon that advised reading the chapter in Proverbs that corresponds to the day of the month on a daily basis.

I try to follow that advice.

 

[heart4home]

There is no way to live your life so that some Sister Bertha Better-Than-You isn’t going to have a problem with it. If your choices aren’t immoral, other people need to butt out:

It has always been like this:
We hear that some are conducting themselves among you in a disorderly way, by not keeping busy but minding the business ofothers. Such people we instruct and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to work quietly and to eat their own food. 2 Thes. 3:11-12

Aww, but the problem is that Sister Bertha Better and Brother Bart Best can’t agree on what exactly immoral is, so they feel the need to let the other know…

You read these forums often enough to know that…

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

See… but we can make incorrect choices in a lot of those examples… We need to try to figure out what God wants of us, make choices based on this and on trying to do our best wherever we are, trying to follow our calling for sanctity… (I agree with chevalier and dedo.) Now… I also agree with EasterJoy (lol, Sister Bertha Better-Than-You)… We have no way to see what God is asking of our Brothers and Sisters, we don’t know why they make the choices they do, or how they ended up in whatever situation they are in. We still have the responsibility to share the Truth with others, help others that haven’t found the Truth, but we also have the responsibility to be charitable and humble.
More will be expected of those who have been blessed with more… A widow giving her last coins was being more generous than the rich person giving a larger amount of money.

 

[CroCatholic]

My DH and I are being told every. single. day…

I would like some advice on what we should do. Quick back story, we are building a house and are currently living with my inlaws (we’ve been here since March and will probably be here until March.) I understand that they are older and aren’t used to all the noise of 4 grandkids running around and this may be causing them significant stress, although they’ll vener admit it. The problem is that they are constantly berating us and “correcting” our parenting “blunders”. In their opinion, we too harsh on our oldest (5), #2 gets away with murder (3 year old ). We aren’t allowed to discipline #3 because he’s only 2. And the baby, well, I just don’t know how to feed her, when to feed her or even what spoon to use. Tomorrow the story will be the opposite, we’re too lax, we don’t bathe them often enough, we bathe them too much. We raise our voices too much, we should spank them… It never ends. I can take the well intended “direction” from them but am coming to my wits end with my MIL. She’s constantly bad mouthing my husband (her own son!!!) to me, calling him lazy, telling me he overspends, saying he tries to avoid responsibility with the kids, claiming that his business partner is more important to him than me or the kids… All of which I know is not true. I didn’t marry no fool… I need some advice on how to handle the situation without blowing my top and lots and lots of prayers. My DH fears that this experience will have ruined his (previously) good relationship with his parents permanently!

FYI they knew we were going to be here a while. and we do as much as we can to help with upkeep of the house, just so you know we’re not free loading…we also payed a years rent…UPFRONT before we even moved in… HELP ME!

 

[chevalier]

It took me some time to move out of my parents home. I lived with my parents until just before I turned 25. There were many reasons for this. I wasn’t healthy (mentally or physically - I suffered from major anxiety). I wasn’t ready.

Same, except longer than 25. University (here, you don’t go to college and then university/law school, university covers everything past high school) was in the same city, which is a capital city and renting a flat would’ve cost more than a student could earn when not studying, not to mention it would have been a useless expense. After Master’s, I stayed for PhD/SJD, which cost money, at some point did another post-Master’s concurrently that I needed for a different job, and had to start a business under my name to get a decent employment. All the while renting anything semi-decent would’ve cost 3-4 times the handling fees for my mother’s flat, where I had a room since I was 10. In fact, I still live there and if I were to spend that kind of money every month, I’d prefer to spend it on family needs rather than on getting a separate address to appear cooler (and spend my time alone, without any family, in a neighbourhood where I don’t know anybody). If I were to marry, that’d be a different thing. In fact, if I were to develop a big income, I’d probably prefer to put it in savings and just take all the bills here in me for the time being, rather than paying rent for a “bachelor suite” below my current standard of living but at several times the cost (irrational decision as far as I go, though I won’t say a bad word of people’s need of a separate address, I too seem to feel it sometimes). I’ll probably end up getting a real office before getting a housing space. Somebody could call my choice a bad choice, some people already have. I don’t have 100% certainty but I’ll stick with what I have.

Another example: I don’t drive, can’t, don’t have a licence. I live in a metropolitan area, there’s never parking space, busses, let alone the underground or trams, move faster. Petrol (gas), taxes, driver’s liability insurance, theft insurance, parking space near home, all of this costs money even before we consider pit stops and periodic repairs. And you just can’t drive while you haven’t had a good night’s sleep and are erratic, which is more often than not in my case. Can’t drive safely enough if you’re tired after work and can’t unload it. Plus, locomotive illness. And, I can read on the bus, or think about anything I want, as opposed to when driving. And I can call a cab anyway. Plus, all the traffic signage, speeding laws etc. is off my chest. Decision: I don’t need to prove anything. Somebody could still claim I should at least learn to drive (several months), take the exam (several attempts) and get the licence, or even get a car actually (that I feel freer without). Possibly a bad choice but in my view a good choice. Time will show eventually.

Above you have two controversial choices that are more than capable of attracting flak from people or even ridicule, I guess, or doubts in my male aptitude, so to say, figuratively. I am prepared to tell my side of the story to anybody who actually wants to talk about the subject, and ignore those who just want to criticise. Still, I can possibly have made two big wrong choices. The possibility is there.

 

[chevalier]

FYI they knew we were going to be here a while. and we do as much as we can to help with upkeep of the house, just so you know we’re not free loading…we also payed a years rent…UPFRONT before we even moved in… HELP ME!

If you pay rent on market terms and otherwise participate in all the applicable burdens, then that’s hardly like living under parental roof. The in-laws have no business trying to set the rules, let alone micromanage your family, although you need to understand that relatives always have offered and always will offer their (name removed by moderator)ut, regardless how unwelcome or inaccurate it is (or both). If you can afford it financially, it may be better to find a different place until you’re done building your house, since your psychic health and well-being isn’t worth putting up with being berated every day and having your parental actions overridden by the grandparents. Incidentally, the grandparents, as grumpy and annoying as they are, may in fact be right on a couple of issues, despite the “suboptimal” manner of interfering, so it doesn’t hurt giving a little thought to what they say when the dust has settled (without giving in to their attemps at just running your lives for you), although from what you say, it seems more likely they are just in a habit of commenting and trying to change things no matter which way things currently are.

Sometimes it takes a, “thank you for your help but we can manage.” Or a, “we know you disagree but we really want to do it this way.” Or something of the kind. Basically, being somewhat assertive. Unwanted feedback and overriding attempts won’t stop when we just wait them out, let alone capitulate to them a couple of times. Then the person offering this kind of “feedback” thinks it is just what he or she is supposed or even forced to be doing.

 

[Cat]

I think people need to consider deeply and with mercilous honesty the possible consequences of their life choices.

E.g., a lot of people go to college, spend a huge amount of money, often taking out loans, and they major in something like “Mesopotamian Art.”

And then they wonder why they can’t find a job.

One of my daughters majored in Physical Therapy. It was six and a half years of hard work and she was required to earn a Doctoral Degree.

But she and all 70 people in her PT class had work within a week after graduating. And now that she is out in the working world, she sees that the shortage of PTs is critical. She and her co-workers are offered daily overtime. In addition, there is plenty of registry work for those who want to earn even more money.

OTOH, my other daughter not only earned a Bachelor’s Degree in Theater, but also a Master’s Degree. BUT…she works constantly and earns enough money to live on her own in a far-away state.

What one of her professors told her is that, “If there is anything you can do other than theater, do it, and make theater your hobby. But if theater is the ONLY thing you can do, then stick with theater.”

I think this is a good guideline for any of the “arts” majors. All too often, people decide to major in something that really should be a hobby for them, and then by the time they realize this, they are already in horrible debt, and it is obvious that they have made an unwise life choice.

For our daughter, it has always been theater, since she was a toddler. She is good at it (stage management), and more importantly, she learned early (as a teen intern in several professoinal theaters) how to network and make contacts, and turn those contacts into gigs.

My husband and I knew that our daughter was taking a huge risk to major in a field that is not known for giving great jobs. But we also knew that our daughter had these networking skills and was willing to work hard. So we made the choice to encourage her to major in theater.

One other thing we did is to make sure that she had another means of making a living JIC the theater stream dried up for her. She grew up figure skating, and as soon as it was possible to get her involved with Junior Coaching in our city, we did so. She was a coaching assistant at age 13, and I was as proud of that as I was of any competition accomplishments. She coached all the way through college and still coaches a little.

In case anyone is wondering, coaching figure skating can earn a pretty good hourly rate, minimum of $10.00/hour for Learn To Skate, and around $24-$36/ hour for singles or synchro. The more experience a coach has, the higher their hourly rate.

So in college, our older daughter was making $20/hour coaching figure skating, while her friends earned $5.25/hour working in the school cafeteria!

If she needed to, our older daughter could turn what is now part-time work in coaching into full-time work, and this would earn her enough money to pay her bills.

So in summary, I think that everyone should be careful to consequences of any big life choice. Talk to those who know and ask them to be brutally honest.

 

[vera_dicere]

I’m not really bothered by what other people think of me and my life choices. Especially since my life choices haven’t killed anyone or left me with some hideous disease. My father’s mistress seems to love telling everyone about how wrong they are with their life choices. Something about rocks in glass houses comes to mind…

 

[Bob_Crowley]

Here’s some random food for thought I’ve been mulling over.

Has anybody here NOT been told at some time that some general life choice they made was incorrect or non-ideal?

By this, I mean major choices that people make that often define them as people, but that there really is no right or wrong answer. For example, getting married vs. staying single, staying close to home vs. moving out on your own, marrying at 18 vs. waiting till 35, choosing a job you love vs. a job that pays better, having 2 children vs. having 12, planning a family meticulously vs. intentionally not planning and rolling with what happens. Obviously these are not exclusive options (some, like the job, may be possible to choose both), nor are they the only possible choices, and there are many other examples.

It seems to me that there are a lot moral ways to live your life and everybody is free to make their own choices. However, the one thing in common we all have is that somebody, somewhere who made a different choice, is likely to “tsk tsk” you for not making the same choices that they made. The derision seems to stem from Person A thinking that Person B’s choice was wrong for Person A – not that it was wrong for Person B or wrong in a general sense. Since it is a common human flaw to see the world through your own eyes first before you recognize that other people may see things differently, it would stand to reason that we’ve all been Person B at some point as well.

Thoughts?

I think we’ve all been there, and I think you’ve summed it up pretty well. None of us live in the shoes of others. Others don’t know what I’ve been through, and I don’t know what they’ve been through.

Emotions come into it. People can be emotionally scarred, and this influences their decisions. People may come from bad backgrounds. Some may come from very advantageous backgrounds. Some people will be seen as very successful by the world, but God would call them absolute failures (eg. Joseph Stalin was a Communist Tsar, but when he went to judgement, I wonder what God thought of his “success”).

We all tend to judge, and we all make mistakes. I often hear “if it is to be, it’s up to me”. Personally I think there’s some truth in it, but other people can wreck things as well.

The fact is we just don’t know the full story about anyone.

 

[CroCatholic]

If you pay rent on market terms and otherwise participate in all the applicable burdens, then that’s hardly like living under parental roof. The in-laws have no business trying to set the rules, let alone micromanage your family, although you need to understand that relatives always have offered and always will offer their (name removed by moderator)ut, regardless how unwelcome or inaccurate it is (or both). If you can afford it financially, it may be better to find a different place until you’re done building your house, since your psychic health and well-being isn’t worth putting up with being berated every day and having your parental actions overridden by the grandparents. Incidentally, the grandparents, as grumpy and annoying as they are, may in fact be right on a couple of issues, despite the “suboptimal” manner of interfering, so it doesn’t hurt giving a little thought to what they say when the dust has settled (without giving in to their attemps at just running your lives for you), although from what you say, it seems more likely they are just in a habit of commenting and trying to change things no matter which way things currently are.

Sometimes it takes a, “thank you for your help but we can manage.” Or a, “we know you disagree but we really want to do it this way.” Or something of the kind. Basically, being somewhat assertive. Unwanted feedback and overriding attempts won’t stop when we just wait them out, let alone capitulate to them a couple of times. Then the person offering this kind of “feedback” thinks it is just what he or she is supposed or even forced to be doing.

The unsolicited advice was expected, mostly because it started as soon as our first was born. It’s been a constant yet mild annoyance that’s been amplified only because it’s happening 24/7 now… I can deal, I can let it go in one ear and out the other. I’m even prepared to deal with the aftermath of “reprogramming” (for lack of a better word) our kids when we’re back in our own house. What really gets me is all the badmouthing. My husband just can’t seem to do anything to make his mother happy for more than an hour. I guess that he’s bearing the brunt of it because my MIL can’t take it out on the kids or me becuase then she would be a bad granny or the evil MIL. I guess because she gave birth to my husband, he’s fair game. When she complains about him to me, I say nothing. Not a word… I need some prayers for patience because I don’t know how much longer I can hold out without tearing her the proverbial “new one” Any advice on how to difuse this one before it goes off?

Thanks

 

[chevalier]

The unsolicited advice was expected, mostly because it started as soon as our first was born. It’s been a constant yet mild annoyance that’s been amplified only because it’s happening 24/7 now… I can deal, I can let it go in one ear and out the other. I’m even prepared to deal with the aftermath of “reprogramming” (for lack of a better word) our kids when we’re back in our own house. What really gets me is all the badmouthing. My husband just can’t seem to do anything to make his mother happy for more than an hour. I guess that he’s bearing the brunt of it because my MIL can’t take it out on the kids or me becuase then she would be a bad granny or the evil MIL. I guess because she gave birth to my husband, he’s fair game. When she complains about him to me, I say nothing. Not a word… I need some prayers for patience because I don’t know how much longer I can hold out without tearing her the proverbial “new one” Any advice on how to difuse this one before it goes off?

Thanks

In such situations, I’d try to talk to people patiently and non-aggressively, inviting them to look at the good things about the person or thing they’re complaining about. Patiently, cheerfully, it’s important to try to get them to catch the contagious mood without doing or saying anything to provoke them (and they may be “looking” for such a thing or rather use anything as an opportunity). You might even try, “oh, not at all, he’s totally awesome. You have no idea how I love the man/how lucky I feel to have him. He [insert a long stream of good things to say about him].” This might either actually work or get her to take the complaining elsewhere.

I’d hate to take guessing too far but I can think of two things: 1. She may be going through hormonal changes or something similar. 2. She may have some feelings of guilt (which could perhaps be assuaged by praising the person she thinks she didn’t manage to bring up properly). 3. Some people don’t know how not to be negative, due to some kind of traumatic experience(s), those need professional aid.